AIBU to be fed up of defending my choice to use formula

[Sequinbow]

I just want a bit of a rant, I’m fed up of having to defend formula feeding my little girl. She is 5 months old and thriving 💓 she absolutely loves her bottle and it’s wonderful to feed her she’s happy and content.

but….

I’ve had a stranger tell me (whilst I was feeding my LO) ‘breast is best’ and i should try harder to breast feed. I’ve also had colleagues and other mums pointing out ‘oh you’re not breastfeeding’ when I get her bottle out and asking why im not breast feeding.

There is a lot of chat in the mums WhatsApp group about how they are beside themselves to make the decision to bring in one bottle per day of formula to top up their supply and how they need to come to terms with it etc I find myself wanting to defend formula feeding my baby. And it’s the implication that my little girl is at a disadvantage because of me, her mum.
I wonder what do they think of me if they’re so caught up with adding just one bottle of formula when I exclusively formula fed.

im really fed up of having to defend my choices and having to provide a reason for formula feeding. I feel looked down on for formula feeding my daughter x

Lastly, the UK has one of the lowest rates of breastfeeding in the world - this thread illustrates why. We have a culture that at best does not support breastfeeding and at worst is downright hostile to it, and trades in misinformation that discourages breastfeeding.

Did you know that if somebody gives their baby 1 bottle of formula in the early days but then breastfeeds for 4 years, they’re still recorded as being ‘mix fed’?

The uptake of breastfeeding in the UK has not been reliably recorded for ages now, and the figures are further skewed by the typical pattern of babies initially being given some formula while bfing is being established.

Also the main benefits from breastfeeding are imparted via colostrum. I know many women who breastfed for a few months at least, but as the baby was formula fed by 6 months, this was not recorded or taken into account. They simply record those breastfed in hospital, and those still breastfed at 6 months. It’s not recorded according to exactly when they stopped and there’s a big difference between breastfeeding for 2 days in hospital, and a further 4 months after leaving. Yet they’ll both go into the same box.

In my very average area, out of 9 ladies in my antenatal group, all bar 2 exclusively breastfed. This wasn’t a yummy mummy area, I simply don’t believe it’s as staggeringly low as is often trotted out on here (without statistics, which is ironic given your post!).

I think it’s poorly recorded.

But nobody is telling you not to ff. They're talking about their own journey and feelings. They want to bf, and are finding it hard to make the switch.

You shouldn't consider them telling the truth about this to be an insult against you. It almost seems defensive.

Same as you saying the truth about how you feed isn't an insult against those who bf.

There is no right or wrong way but people are going to talk about what they do and why. That's just healthy conversation and sharing of experience.

It's objectively the case that Mum's breast milk is the better source of nourishment for babies. This isn't something to take personally if you've chosen to use formula instead, you'll have your reasons I'm sure. Personally, I'd never have entertained using formula for my DC, and that's with BF being very tough going at first. People are allowed to talk about their personal experiences, as you are equally allowed to do whatever works for you and your baby x

No please read properly. The medical advice, in this specific case, was to give her baby a bottle of formula, which she didn't follow and then her baby sadly died. It is clearly a very sad and specific case and people should follow medical advice.

So yes obviously "fed is best". But I do personally think is a stupid phrase as literally no one, however they feed, is advocating for starving babies. 🙄

Then we switched to EBF when he was a week old and he completely thrived.

But you didn’t EBF as he had formula. In the statistics, you’re down as ‘mix fed from birth’ but not exclusive breastfeeding. That’s not me doing you down. It’s me showing why the stats are so misleading - if your baby has had a drop of formula, they are not considered ‘EBF’.

The usual comments will be posted soon that a mother who chooses to use formula isn’t putting her baby first and they are a bad mother!

It is a weird way of reporting it and it should be any breastfeeding not ebf. I do think the under reporting of breastfeeding does actually contribute to the idea that it is weird or hard (which is can be or it cannot be) or unusual in some groups.

That said the UK does have low rates even if you take into account these qualifications and there is a more hostile attitude to breastfeeding, especially extended breastfeeding, than in many countries around the world. I personally don't think that is good for society as a whole as it suggests mother's aren't well supported. I'm not talking about people's individual choices and experiences.

I remember meeting a colleague who came for lunch with the team while on maternity leave and brought the baby with her. I couldn’t remember exactly when she’d given birth and I said ‘aww how cute! How old is he now, 2 months old? 3?’ She said 6, I was shocked. He was absolutely tiny, and still had newborn looking legs - very pale and just didn’t look nourished whatsoever. I definitely think at that point I would’ve introduced formula alongside breastfeeding to see if it helped.

I am reading correctly? I'm also very aware of why the fed is best foundation began and it isn't because medical advice was ignored. She followed the advice of the paediatrician and lactation consultant to continue to breastfeed and her baby died.

Formula companies provide ready made bottles to hospitals and my DC had a couple of bottles of formula in hospital as every midwife seemed to have a different opinion, so I suppose my DC wasn’t EBF apart from the subsequent 18 months. It’s irrelevant now, DC is 25.

I bottle fed both my sons, it was a real relief to see them thrive after mastitis, poor milk supply and the fact that the oldest didn’t comprehend what he had to do. They are now 30+ Oxford and Russell group educated, marathon running super healthy adults. Don’t believe that there will be a poorer outcome for individual children, it is just another way to make you feel crap about yourself.

It does have low rates compared to third world countries but then they have no choice do they? Their babies will be recorded as EBF even if they dehydrate or fail to thrive. It’s not a hallmark of success or health necessarily.

Like I said I know very few women who didn’t breastfeed for at least a couple of months, and they’ll also forget that 6 months is generally the first typical date for ‘returning to work’ hence there will be many breastfeeding for 4-5 months then tapering off. Which again is very different to a couple of days in hospital, but they’ll be recorded similarly.

Oh we've already had them!

You'd be sadly surprised. There are people that advocate for ebf, even if a baby is visibly starving. I experienced it myself.

My newborn was hospitalised for 10d due to starvation and associated complications as there wasn't enough milk.

I approached the La Leche League for advice and was told they couldn't under any circumstances 'condone' formula use (even after I explained I was triple feeding and my baby had come very close to brain damage from starvation) as it would increase my baby's chances of cancer, so if I wanted their support I needed to commit to throwing out the formula and ebf. Even though medically speaking, I couldn't sustain his life.

I've also witnessed first hand in feeding groups new mums posting a clearly listless, skinny and poorly baby, expressing they're worried they're not making enough for their baby, and being told to just trust their body and keep going. Avoid formula at all costs. Any voice of reason saying just please give your baby a bottle, you can sort out bf after if possible, but your baby needs feeding immediately, is shouted down as scaremongering.

It's terrifying. I've seen new mums also themselves decline medical advice to give their baby formula as they've become so fixated on 'never a drop' they can't see sense anymore. I was involved with one case where social services had to become involved because the parents were denying anyone seeing their baby to assess after midwives raised the alarm, and continued to fruitlessly ebf.

I'm not having a go btw, and there will be people on this thread that claim these instances are vanishingly rare and everyone can bf with the right support, I'm just sharing that there sadly is a very dark side to infant feeding groups and 'advocates' that genuinely sees formula as a fate worse than death for a baby. And the new parents that refuse to give their baby formula when they're failing to thrive, I don't blame them. After months of having 'breast is best' hammered into your brain, people saying trust your body, everyone can bf with the right support, it's supply and demand, don't keep formula in as you might use it during a 'weak moment', why feed your baby mcdonalds when you could feed them a gourmet meal, mum's milk is best, and so forth... it's no wonder new mums put such a disproportionate amount of pressure on themselves and end up risking their baby's life. It's tragic.

I always think how incredibly lucky we are to have access to formula. It's a literally life-saving invention. For millennia there have been mothers who'd have given anything to have had the ability to feed their baby when their bodies couldn't. Us insufficient supply mothers know first have that all of the support and drugs and pumping regimes in the universe can't get blood from a stone if you're one of the not insignificant percentage that cannot produce enough milk to sustain their baby's life.

Happy mum = happy baby 😊

Lots of women don’t want to breastfeed because after nearly ten months of their body not being their own - they want THEIR body back.

Anybody got a problem with that? surely no one could find that selfish?? Bodily autonomy is a basic human right.

I could not breast feed, I expressed and bottle fed that for about a month then switched to formula. He's 11 now and fine. You are doing wonderfully. You are feeding and nurturing your child. Ignore unsolicited comments from strangers, they don't know you or your child.

Well, actually, it's the definition of selfish because it's all about her and her body and her wants.

But that doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing.

And if anyone makes that decision, not sure they would be bothered by any other comments. You either care or you don't.

I completely agree and I've seen not too dissimilar advice on here. I've seen threads where mums have been advised by trained medical professionals to give up formula top ups for poor weight gain for example. The mum posts on here wracked with guilt over giving formula despite it being needed and there will be some posters with seemingly no medical training or knowledge about babies medical history advising that health professionals know nothing about breastfeeding, not to listen to them and to basically get into bed, skin to skin and constantly feed your baby.

@StrongCoffeeSunshine456

what about what the mother needs? Pregnancy can take a huge toll on both a woman’s physical and mental health. If the mum is fucked by it, she’s not gonna be able to care for the baby well is she?

As requested by PP, the citation for the UKs low breastfeeding rates; as well as subsequent relevant positions of organisations advocating breastfeeding.

http://www.thelancet.com/cms/attachment/2047468706/2057986218/mmc1.pdf

https://www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/about/breastfeeding-in-the-uk/

https://www.rcpch.ac.uk/resources/breastfeeding-uk-position-statement#footnote1_me2am6h

also the NCT holds a pro-breastfeeding position but I couldn’t find this quickly.

there are more of course, but I’m busy 😝

Regarding the issue of unreliable statistics due to varied definitions of EBF versus any breastfeeding - this is highlighted and addressed within the literature, so it does not negate the findings of comparatively and unusually low breastfeeding rates in the UK.

It's frightening. I know first hand that you can do everything right, endlessly, for months, and still not produce enough milk. Nobody even mentioned that was a possibility when I was pregnant. It's very 'magical thinking', if you pretend insufficient supply doesn't exist then it doesn't exist. Every time it happens mothers are told they're imagining it or it's their fault. Then you weave in all of the woo and myth around stuff like 'lactation cookies' and expensive supplements and whatnot and the massive emotional guilt trip to breastfeed and it's no wonder new mums don't know which way is up and which is down.

the day, during my pregnancy, that i decided to formula-feed my baby (instead of breast, which i'd alway imagined i would) was completely liberating and I would not change it for the world. it allowed me to be a relaxed, stressfree mother with my own autonomy and independence. DD now 3 and thriving. literally made zero difference. good luck to ya.

Really??? Upset for the baby? That’s madness! I only feel sad for the mum if I can tell she’s feeling bad or awkward about it.

No, that is projecting again. Some people finds aspects of parenting hard, it is ok to be proud that they have overcome obstacles or achieved something they wanted to achieve. Judging others isn't ok. Neither is taking something nothing to do with you and making it personal, in order to make others feel like shit. That is self centeredness. Discussing your own personal journey is fine.