AIBU to be fed up of defending my choice to use formula

[Sequinbow]

I just want a bit of a rant, I’m fed up of having to defend formula feeding my little girl. She is 5 months old and thriving 💓 she absolutely loves her bottle and it’s wonderful to feed her she’s happy and content.

but….

I’ve had a stranger tell me (whilst I was feeding my LO) ‘breast is best’ and i should try harder to breast feed. I’ve also had colleagues and other mums pointing out ‘oh you’re not breastfeeding’ when I get her bottle out and asking why im not breast feeding.

There is a lot of chat in the mums WhatsApp group about how they are beside themselves to make the decision to bring in one bottle per day of formula to top up their supply and how they need to come to terms with it etc I find myself wanting to defend formula feeding my baby. And it’s the implication that my little girl is at a disadvantage because of me, her mum.
I wonder what do they think of me if they’re so caught up with adding just one bottle of formula when I exclusively formula fed.

im really fed up of having to defend my choices and having to provide a reason for formula feeding. I feel looked down on for formula feeding my daughter x

What? Im not complaining.

If you cant remember your own comment, you can click on "show quote history" to see.

Anyway i think its quite clear its for the best if l stop engaging with you 😂

The science shows that breast is best but that is only if you can do it. I advocate for breastfeeding because it is best for your baby. However, I do understand and know first hand, from friends and family that have wanted to breastfeed, that it is not always possible as they have been unble to breastfeed for a variety of reasons. Mothers like this shouldn't feel bad or be made to feel bad.

What I don't understand is mothers who choose not to breastfeed from the beginning. It would be useful to try and understand their reasoning.

My SIL said she wasn't breastfeeding because she said she thought it was disgusting (said whilst I was discretly breastfeeding). That I don't remotely understand

Agreed. It’s very silly

@Etoile41 you don't have to understand it you just have to accept that it's bigger all to do with you. It makes close to zero difference on an individual level. The benefits have to be multiplied many times before you start to see any difference between breast and bottle fed babies. Your concern would be better placed on things that are actually important to a child's outcomes

I agree it has absolutely bugger all to do with me. Each to their own. That doesn't mean it isnt useful to have insight into their reasoning. Perhaps if ppl made more of an effort to understand each other, the world would be a better place.

To not skirt around the issue you are feeding your baby processed fake milk. Of course people are going to be curious as to that decision.

If you were actually interested then you'd be curious not judgemental. It's really not interesting. Some women can't breast feed, some babies can't breast feed others choose not to. I'm sure that you can imagine scenarios for all these options and more. No one had to share their reasons in the hope you'll feel less pity. Shit like this ruined my mental health when dc was little. Time has proven there have been so many other things that have made so much more difference to her outcomes.

Rubbish. Fed is bed. If there are benefits to bf, they are tiny, and they are never weighed up against the massive and economically heavy burden on the mother, or the toxins in breast milk, or the period of significant and dangerous infant weight loss while the mother is building up her supply.

Fed is best. Every. Single. Time.

Toxins eh? Who knew?

Toxins? Wtf? I can't even.

You do realise "fed is best" (which is a stupid phrase anyway) means you have different options to feed your child? It's not an anti breastfeeding mantra.

There are some very nutty and extreme ideas/ responses on this thread and they mostly seem to be against mother's who choose to breastfeed. It's now moved very far away from supporting the OP to basically women slagging off other women. Because apparently it's "showing off" or "sanctimonious" to say it's good for your baby. Or having to claim breastmilk is "toxic" or doesn't give babies what they need. So
bloody depressing.

I would address it as good for the child. The man should be more understanding. Women know how to treat children better than men most of the time.

There are women who’ve been sexually assaulted who choose not to breastfeed due to the details of their assault. Can you understand that?

It actually doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter one iota whether you ‘understand’ or not; you don’t have to understand the choices other women make about their bodies.

I breastfed. Every other woman’s choice
is hers; none require my understanding or
permission.

Time spent advocating
could be better spent developing
empathy perhaps?

Ermmmm I am empathetic. My post clearly showed I that I empathise with ppl who can't breastfeed. Also by saying it would be useful to understand why ppl choose not to breastfeed, I'm doing exactly what you said I should do ie developing empathy i.e. better understanding to that I can imgaine what it would feel like in somenody else's situation. I never ever said a woman needs permission and everyone is free to make their own choices. No offence was meant but clearly you took offence.

The irony is that my SIL said it was disgusting to breastfeed and she wasnt going to do so. Said whilst I was breastfeeding and clearly implying i was disgusting for doing so. I couldn't understand that.

Quite frankly it had never occurred to me that ppl may choose not to breastfeed due to previous sexual assault. I suppose, thats because I dont view breats in a sexual manner and certainly not when it comes to breastfeeding. However, now that you have said it, I can understand that it could be a trigger for some. So yes, I can understand that. Understanding others goes a long way to make the world a better place

Ermmmm I am empathetic. My post clearly showed I that I empathise with ppl who can't breastfeed. Also by saying it would be useful to understand why ppl choose not to breastfeed, I'm doing exactly what you said I should do ie developing empathy i.e. better understanding to that I can imgaine what it would feel like in somenody else's situation. I never ever said a woman needs permission and everyone is free to make their own choices. No offence was meant but clearly you took offence.

The irony is that my SIL said it was disgusting to breastfeed and she wasnt going to do so. Said whilst I was breastfeeding and clearly implying i was disgusting for doing so. I couldn't understand that.

Quite frankly it had never occurred to me that ppl may choose not to breastfeed due to previous sexual assault. I suppose, thats because I dont view breasts in a sexual manner and certainly not when it comes to breastfeeding. However, now that you have said it, I can understand that it could be a trigger for some. So yes, I can understand that. Understanding others goes a long way to make the world a better place.

I have never nor would I ever make any unsolicited comments about breastfeeding or bottle feeding to anyone. I have only ever advocated for breastfeeding when specifically asked.

I chose not to breastfeed because I didn't want to and after nine months of pregnancy wanted my body back.

That was all there was to understand and I am glad that people generally didn't quiz me on it. Only one person did - a rather overbearing midwife, and she was firmly shut down.

Yep
and the wankiest comment I’ve ever read on it expressed above
‘I wanted more for my children than not dead’. When woman say things like that it brings out a horrible desire in me for their children to turn out as proper wronguns.

I honestly think it's disgusting that people think that others should have to disclose why they choose not to breastfeed. It's absolutely nothing to do with you and could be opening a complete can of worms. There is no hierarchy of bottle fed with 'good' or 'bad' reasons and making new mums feel like shit will do more harm to the first year than bottles ever will.

I was devastated because dd didn't have the strength to breast feed. She was lucky to survive her birth and had to be dragged out of me. I manually squeezed out some colostrum. It was miserable. I tried pumping until my nipples cracked and I was so exhausted I was ill. With a tiny sick baby who needed feeding every 2 hours on top of pumping. My body was broken and I just couldn't carry on.

It impacted my mental health and how I felt about feeding dd for years. It was a dark time and I really don't see why I should revisit it to satisfy anyone's curiosity but there you go. That's my story.

14 years later on I have some perspective and can say that the biggest impact on dd has been treating parenting as a relationship not a job. We both bring different things to the table and working out how to parent her as an individual has been a great journey and one that changes all the time. Turns out the decision that made me so sad wasn't even a blip on the landscape. I will say it again, on an individual scale it makes close to zero difference to your child's outcomes so do what is right for you and strap in for the actual important stuff ahead.

Sorry OP but being a parent means you’re going to have to grow a thicker skin and come up with stock phrases like “we’re happy how we are thank you” or “that doesn’t work for my child”….

It’s breastfeeding now but later on it will be topics like sleep training or potty training or school homework or handing out consequences. Parents have strong opinions about parenting and views differ. You don’t have to defend yourself and your choices, you just need to learn not to feel personally attacked. It’s completely possible to have great friendships whilst also disagreeing on parenting choices.

I never said anybody should disclose their reasons for not breastfeeding. I would never ask why they don't.
Your experience sounds terrifying and no doubt was traumatic. Im glad time has given you perspective, as I you shouldn't feel bad for not being able to bf

I formula fed through choice, never even tried to breastfeed because I didn’t want to, and my 91st percentile roly-poly walking talking smiley joy of a 13-month old is proof that it was absolutely the right decision for me. I was able to share the load at night, he’s always been confident being handed round to people, it’s really been a fantastic experience for us.

All that said, I completely understand how you feel. I was shocked during pregnancy when I realised how puritanical people can still be. I thought society had moved beyond that more than it has, and it was a steep learning curve. And it did make me a bit more sensitive to comments (ohhh the comments when you have a baby, fml), because people do still feel okay with judging it as a choice. And I also received a lot less support with feeding once the midwives realised I wasn’t breastfeeding. Even in the hospital when DS was two hours old I was left to my own devices. He then had appalling silent reflux that was really difficult to manage and no one thought to check if he was tongue tied until he was four months. It was isolating and I did feel sad. So I really do empathise. And some of the comments in this thread have got my back right up, I can’t lie.

However, I do think that the women in the WhatsApp group can feel how they feel without it being a comment on your choices. Having a baby is mental, and it’s so easy to become very emotionally attached to whatever choices we make for our babies, and it is okay for the other women to be disappointed that the journey they chose or imagined isn’t working out how they thought (weaning has felt similar for me. And sleep lol). If they’re making comments about how much worse formula is that’s annoying, and ignorant. But even then I doubt they’re thinking directly about you, it’ll all be about themselves and their own worries.

In your opinion.

I don't. What I object to is other people thinking it's any of their business. Your curiosity about what trauma led to breast feeding decisions led me to go back there. I don't understand why you're curious about what anyone's reasons are and why you need to understand. Its irrelevant to you.

Quoting myself to add (and really set the mumsnet hens clucking) that I also had an elective c section ✌️