AIBU to be fed up of defending my choice to use formula

[Sequinbow]

I just want a bit of a rant, I’m fed up of having to defend formula feeding my little girl. She is 5 months old and thriving 💓 she absolutely loves her bottle and it’s wonderful to feed her she’s happy and content.

but….

I’ve had a stranger tell me (whilst I was feeding my LO) ‘breast is best’ and i should try harder to breast feed. I’ve also had colleagues and other mums pointing out ‘oh you’re not breastfeeding’ when I get her bottle out and asking why im not breast feeding.

There is a lot of chat in the mums WhatsApp group about how they are beside themselves to make the decision to bring in one bottle per day of formula to top up their supply and how they need to come to terms with it etc I find myself wanting to defend formula feeding my baby. And it’s the implication that my little girl is at a disadvantage because of me, her mum.
I wonder what do they think of me if they’re so caught up with adding just one bottle of formula when I exclusively formula fed.

im really fed up of having to defend my choices and having to provide a reason for formula feeding. I feel looked down on for formula feeding my daughter x

This thread seems to be making everyone miserable. As a breastfeeding mum I feel sad about some of the horrible comments about breastfeeding (and breastfeeding mums) but I can see some FF mums are also feeling sad about comments on that too.

I’m really proud of breastfeeding both my babies. It is hard work and was really difficult at times but it was so rewarding and feels right for our family. When I say that, I’m not saying that to criticise anyone who FF.

To me, it’s like running a marathon or climbing a mountain - it’s a hard thing to do, but rewarding and makes you feel good (if that’s your thing). I should be allowed to talk about how great it was to climb the mountain, or how hard it was to climb the mountain, or how sad I would be if I got injured and couldn’t climb the mountain, without people who either don’t want to or can’t climb mountains taking it as a massive dig at them.

I've got 3 DC. I exclusively BF DS1 until he self weaned at 16 months. DS2 was born with lots of disabilities, couldn't latch so was bottlefed with top ups of breastmilk and then tube fed. DD1 was exclusively BF until she self weaned.
That's my journey, people can and have commented & judged along the way. At 18, 16 & 14 now no one seems to comment. DS2 is still very disabled and tubefed. DS1 is naturally gifted and DD1 is dyslexic and has to try really hard to study. Sooooo...... BF has not really helped or changed anything other than I saved loads of money and did wash hundreds of bottles.
Stop beating yourself up...it eint matter soon. Tell strangers to mind thier own business!

I think when you actually look at the evidence, they are understated.
There are significant health benefits for mothers, rarely mentioned
They are understated because selling formula is an industry.
No thanks
I decided BF was best, not something flogged by men in suits whos focus was on money, not children's health.

Just ignore it op, two of mine couldn’t latch at all, coincidentally they’re both autistic. The middle child was like a little boob beast, there was no messing around from her !!

They really aren’t understated. They are massively blown up out of all proportion in a way other far more impactful parenting choices aren’t.

I does not make many many mothers and babies feel good.

It nearly killed my daughter who ended up in SCBU seriously ill and dehydrated because of it. I hated it and found every minute horrendous. The day I switched to formula each time my babies and I were significantly happier and more contented.

This myth that it makes mothers and babies feel good needs to stop, it’s not the case for many and actively leads to many not being able to continue. If I had my time again I would never even start doing it Now a parent of adults it’s laughable to see what little impact it has and how other parenting choices are far more important.

An example for you.

I chose not to even try breastfeeding DC2 after having a shit experience trying and failing to breastfeed DC1.

DC1 would never latch. I ended up pumping milk for 5 miserable month including overnight out of ‘guilt’ and i could still never get even half of what he needed.

I decided to take control back and not go through the same shit with DC2. I did try to express colostrum beforehand, but expressing for hours over days couldn’t even cover DC2’s first feed.

I needed c sections both times and it was such a relief for my mental and physical health not to be worrying about breastfeeding while I was in the recovery room after my second c section.

If it doesn’t work really well, breastfeeding is really really shit.

Your post still sounds gloaty.

You seem to not acknowledge that many of did ‘climb mountains’ and still failed with the breastfeeding. You were lucky.

Ignore ignore ignore. Some small-minded people have nothing better to do than look down their nose at how other people’s babies are fed.

I once saw a mum pour a can of Coke into her baby’s bottle (baby maybe 8-10 months) while sitting on the tube - now that I absolutely judge!

Okay so no one who manages to do something difficult is able to be proud of it?

I’m sorry that it didn’t work out for you, but we are separate people. My point was that for many women making breastfeeding work
for them is hard work and they should be able to say so without others taking it as an attack. Which you have taken… as an attack.

I ff all my DC, bf never worked out. I was so upset at the time and like you really struggled with what others thought or said about me ff. My oldest was initially bf however nearly got admitted to hospital due to low weight and passing pink urine. When I expressed I literally had the tiniest drop of milk after around a few hours of pumping so my poor dc was actually starving 😫 at the time. I always remember that during all this the hv still pushing bf.!!! I actually got really angry as felt hv wasn't even thinking about my dc and happy to let him strave.......awful.....everything dramatically improved when i started ff. I actually hhjnk it saved my dc life at the time.

Breast feeding certainly would have been significantly better for the mothers in developing countries where there was no safe drinking water or the ability to sterilise bottles but where companies like Nestle were using aggressive promotion of infant formula and sugary baby cereals, using tactics like free samples, "milk nurses," and targeted digital ads, often leading to accusations of undermining breastfeeding, violating WHO guidelines (the International Code of Marketing Breast-milk Substitutes), and exploiting vulnerable parents by promoting products with high sugar content, unlike those sold in wealthier nations. This led to some avoidable infant deaths.

I'm sure that in a country like the UK, the benefits from breastfeeding are negligible once a child reaches adulthood but that isn't true of babies in the developing world.

Lots of parenting choices are hard work. Not sure why breast feeding should be any different in thinking about who wants to hear about success. My kids all taught themselves to read from 3, should I brag about that? Now they’re adults I know how little any of this matters.

FWIW circumstances , personalities, babies and bodies make the breast feeding experience vary massively, it’s not a one size fits all choice or an equal battle.

I got loads of unsolicited comments for breastfeeding - a woman’s place is in the wrong. People would offer “advice” regardless of what you do, so just do what works for you

The analagy of ‘climbing mountains’ indicates that other people don’t put in the hard work to try and successfully breastfeed. By all means be proud but also know who you are with. It can be a really sensitive subject for women at that time and we know that mums who have tried and failed at breastfeeding are more likely to have poor mental health as a result.

One hundred times this.

I only never used formula - never tried to breastfeed. Thankfully we have a choice. I have perfectly healthy babies and also happy parents for having made a choice which worked best for us. Feeding my babies their bottle was lovely and so easy.

Sure, there’s an element of ‘know your audience’ if you’re discussing things that may be a sensitive topic to others. But I don’t think that means women should never talk about successfully breastfeeding because to even mention being proud of it is gloating.

Its like women who have a positive birth experience feeling like they aren’t allowed to talk about it because of hostility from some of those with bad experiences. We all have different experiences and make the decisions we think are best for us and our children. Talking about those shouldn’t be taken as bashing other women’s choices for themselves.

That was the point I was trying to make. That when people talk about this stuff they’re usually talking about their own choice for themselves, not trying to make digs at others. Ironically, everything I say seems to be being taken as a dig at others.

Sorry you had a really hard time of it.
I tried expressing to make the transition to go back to work when my eldest was only 4 1/2 months old and I was only able to express a very small amount at a time and no where near enough for for feed. So hats off to you for doing it for 5 months, thats impressive

Well, obviously, know your audience when you talk about these things out loud but equally yes, there are plenty of mums who didn't put in the effort, never tried BF or gave up because it was hard or they wanted to share the feeding. I know two women who never even considered BF because they wanted to share the feeds. So they are actively not putting in the effort. Their reasons are valid but yes, they are choosing to not climb that mountain.

I have a cousin who nearly died in birth, bled out, was in hospital for a week and couldn't even hold her baby the first 3 days, so her baby never latched but she was determined so she pumped exclusively. That's some serious effort, many would have given up (myself included) so I think she should be seriously proud. Exclusively pumping is incredibly difficult. If others look at what she did and feel ashamed they didn't put in the same effort, well, that's their problem.

I got more comments when I tried to BF my son as opposed to when I began exclusively formula feeding him. He wouldn’t latch properly and we were in the nicu due to feeding issues, I tried to my hardest to BF and was constantly told to give up, formula is easier, your son clearly doesn’t want to BF, I’m making things harder for myself.

At 9 weeks and lots of trying later I switched to formula and never got comments again

It works both ways xx

Same here, my son ended up NICU with feeding issues. I really felt to blame for trying to bf him and not offer him a bottle. I still live with that guilt . 9 weeks I tried to BF him, so many breast feeding specialists came over to help. In the end one of them agreed with me that he just seemed happier on the bottle formula and that was it for me

But why put yourself on a pedestal, a lot of positive birth experiences are down to luck and I listed all the variants with breastfeeding.

No one here is feeling ‘ashamed’ about any level of effort they put in.

Again, regardless of hard work, a lot of it luck. I also pumped when my DC1 wouldn’t latch but i couldn’t exclusively pump as I couldn’t get enough out.

This thread isn’t about being proud about breastfeeding achievements though. It’s about mums who are formula feeding for whatever reason being put down by family and strangers.

I didn’t say anything about putting myself on a pedestal or that one thing is better or more worthy than another. I said we all have our own experiences and should be able to discuss them.

Here’s another example - I had horrible horrible pregnancies. I was hospitalised numerous times with HG, bed bound for months each time, threw up repeatedly if I did so much as moved. It was horrendous. Do I resent women who had good pregnancy experiences? No. Do I wish I had a better experience? Yes. Do I feel upset or sad or resentful when women who had good pregnancies talk about how great pregnancy is? Not at all. It was their experience. They’re talking about themselves, not me.