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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL at Christmas

146 replies

JaffaJen · 10/12/2025 11:59

AIBU for not wanting to host my MIL this Christmas? Since she was widowed 12 years ago she has been included in every Christmas, (apart from one where she went to her sister) even being invited to Christmas lunches at my parents house when we go there. She lives alone about 1.5 hrs away and doesn't drive and won't use public transport. Usually for hosting Christmas at home and DH will collect her on Xmas eve and then take her back the day after boxing day, so she stays 3 nights. She is not evil or mean but is very dull company, no conversation or spark, just drinks endless cups of tea, watches crappy ITV shows and moans about other family members (so probably does the same about us to them). This year has been tricky for my son (15), with some health and anxiety issues, so I want a nice quiet family Christmas where he can relax and just be himself. I also want to try something different this year and have the main Christmas dinner on Xmas eve, then we can have a relaxed morning opening presents, late breakfast/brunch and leftovers/nibbles in the evening. DH works in a school and breaks up this Friday (12th), DS breaks up on the 19th so there is plenty of time to visit her and take her out for a nice lunch etc (whereas i am working up to the 23rd inc). And we could even pop over on Boxing day too, when going to see my parents for a few hours (they live about 30 mins from MIL). I Know that she will be disappointed with this option as it's not 'Christmas day' but i really want a year without pandering to her needs, and to focus on having a happy time with my DS and DH.

OP posts:
FuzzyWolf · 10/12/2025 12:04

You can still do what you want even if your MIL visits as she doesn’t get to dictate what the Christmas set up at your house is.

Does MIL have any other places to go for Christmas?

jannier · 10/12/2025 12:05

So why not get her Christmas day for the day i wouldnt leave anyone on their own Christmas day if i could help it....your parents sound to both be together so different. Just let your son do his chilling. You can still eat the night before just tell her...i always try to think how would it feel if i was relegated to a visit a few days before then days on my own? P

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/12/2025 12:06

You don’t include what DH thinks.

Original poster
JaffaJen · 10/12/2025 12:09

The distance makes it bit tricky for seeing her just on Christmas day, as it would be two round trips of 3hrs to collect and then take her back home, DH would not want to do that on Christmas day.

OP posts:
itsmycheese · 10/12/2025 12:10

I don't think you are unreasonable in principle, but it's only two weeks until Christmas! Very late notice if she normally comes to you and will be expecting to do the same this year. Will she be alone if she doesn't come to you?

Isthisforevernow · 10/12/2025 12:10

I think this is a bit late to change the goalposts over something that seems quite minor tbh. I would have her over for Christmas Day and take her back the same day, or Boxing Day morning if doing the trip twice in a day is too much. There’s no need for a long stay when the activities she seems to enjoy can also be done in her own home. Your DS will manage one day, he has the rest of the holidays to lounge about.

BellaBal · 10/12/2025 12:10

You do realise that she is probably still grieving her dh? Grief doesn’t go away just to suit your cosy Christmas plans.

Christmas is a terrible time of year for being alone. I would judge you harshly for cutting her out of Christmas. What a dreadfully hurtful thing to do.

Your dh has WEEKS off work.he could easily collect her on 23rd, then drop her back on 26th if you prefer to have Xmas lunch on 24th.

If your ds can’t relax with her around then he needs to grow up. You don’t desert other family members who are struggling at Christmas, not where I come from.

BellaBal · 10/12/2025 12:11

What did she do at Christmas in “the old days”? Maybe you could make some changes so she is less depressed.

Summeriscumin · 10/12/2025 12:12

I could never leave any family member on their own on Christmas Day.

Original poster
JaffaJen · 10/12/2025 12:14

DH is an only child and has a complicated relationship with her. She wasn't the best parent growing up, and now he feels like he is responsible for her happiness, especially around Christmas. She is an awful cook, and doesn't have any idea how to cater for a family so we can't even go there to eat and then leave early evening,

OP posts:
SkinnyOatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 10/12/2025 12:15

It’s very late in the day to spring this on her. Could your DH pick her up on Christmas morning and then take her back when you are going to visit your parents on Boxing Day?

purpleygrey · 10/12/2025 12:16

it would be very unkind to leave her alone with 2 weeks notice

Ritaskitchen · 10/12/2025 12:17

Maybe have a think about if you were the MIL - albeit a boring, tea drinking, complaining MIL. Would you want to be left out. Or would your feelings be terrible hurt - and so close to Christmas.
We could all be in that position one day.
Maybe she could compromise by coming part of the way by train/coach - as long as she has no disabilities and you have Christmas as you want it with the food/gifts as you have described.

Original poster
JaffaJen · 10/12/2025 12:17

The plans have not been discussed, she hasn't been 'invited' , just the assumption that she won't have made any other plans, such as seeing her sister or friends

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 10/12/2025 12:19

of course you can leave her to sort out somewhere else to go or spend Christmas on her own. There’s no law against it. But more importantly you will be teaching your child that they can do exactly the same when you are old, lonely and dull company.

RowersDelight · 10/12/2025 12:20

Could you really enjoy your day knowing she was alone?

DemelzaandRoss · 10/12/2025 12:23

You can’t always get what you want.
Life is unfair.
Sorry about your DS MH.
However excluding his grandparent & causing angst for your DH isn’t going to improve the situation.
It really is only a few days out of 365.
As other posters have said, to alter arrangements now would be too short notice.
Maybe you’ll all get flu & Xmas will be canx.

frozendaisy · 10/12/2025 12:23

What does H want?
It’s his mum, his son.

We had both of our either side widowed grandparents here every Christmas for 10-14 days each year.

Yes it was stressful, different family dynamic, etc etc
Yes they liked talk of doom and gloom and their neighbours we didn’t know.

We used to stop them them in their tracks “happy stories please”
“it’s Christmas peace and goodwill”

I think it did our children good to see that sometimes you do things because of obligation, and to be honest the obligation wasn’t as bad as the guilt we would have felt if we had asked them to “stay away alone please”

Personally I wouldn’t ask her not to come, I would explain to son that he has the rest of the Christmas break and new year to relax, it’s just x3 nights, only really 2 days

Why would son talking to her about his problems not help? She might have some insights you just haven’t given her a chance to voice. She is the mum of the man you married, and you can make H responsible for her health and wellbeing.

So personally for me I would include her however stressful. You have the rest of the holidays to just be you as a family.

ComtesseDeSpair · 10/12/2025 12:25

With more notice you could have broached the idea of her going to her sister or a friend, but this late in the day both are likely to have made plans of their own already.

If she just likes to sit and watch TV and drink tea, and your DS just wants to chill out, that sounds like fairly agreeable routines? Tell DH that he needs to tell her you don’t want any negativity when she starts moaning about other people, arrange some quiet activities you can all get involved in, and then have the conversation much earlier next year.

sprigatito · 10/12/2025 12:29

JaffaJen · 10/12/2025 12:17

The plans have not been discussed, she hasn't been 'invited' , just the assumption that she won't have made any other plans, such as seeing her sister or friends

If you know full well she’ll be expecting to come to you, and you’ve allowed her to think that, then you have to own that. Of course she hasn’t had the opportunity to make other plans. It’s too close to Christmas now to just pull the rug out from under her. What will she do if you tell her today that she’s not invited? Will she spend Christmas alone? And what does your DH say about it? Frankly my sons as teenagers would have been horrified if I’d done this in their names!

Happyjoe · 10/12/2025 12:32

BellaBal · 10/12/2025 12:10

You do realise that she is probably still grieving her dh? Grief doesn’t go away just to suit your cosy Christmas plans.

Christmas is a terrible time of year for being alone. I would judge you harshly for cutting her out of Christmas. What a dreadfully hurtful thing to do.

Your dh has WEEKS off work.he could easily collect her on 23rd, then drop her back on 26th if you prefer to have Xmas lunch on 24th.

If your ds can’t relax with her around then he needs to grow up. You don’t desert other family members who are struggling at Christmas, not where I come from.

He died 12 years ago... and without sounding harsh, OP's had MIL for 11 of those holidays and has helped and she's not responsible for MIL's grief.

BettysRoasties · 10/12/2025 12:39

I think you’ve left it a little close but I don’t see why you can’t ever have a Christmas without her.

You’ll get lots of it’s just one day or three in your case, be nice, what about when you’re alone.

But if it’s just one (three days) then it’s just that it flys both ways. She doesn’t have to come for those exact days.

Being nice flys both ways why does one always get what they want while the other always has to suck it up and put up.

When I’m alone well ill be alone or hopefully wanted invited not duty calls to the same house every year. More than happy to have a curry or pizza and chill with a bottle of bubbly with no demands. Maybe even book somewhere sunny or snowy.

Hoppinggreen · 10/12/2025 12:41

What does DH want to do?
I think you just have to put up with it this year (but do what YOU want to on the day and let her work around it) but set out your stall early next year if you won't b inviting her

Ophy83 · 10/12/2025 12:43

It's only 2 days. We've got mine for 3 weeks! But to be fair I don't mind endless cups of tea and having a moan about other family members 🤣

Summerunlover · 10/12/2025 12:45

will you be ok in years to come. When your daughter in law doesn’t want you over for Christmas. And you spend Christmas on your own. With 2 weeks notice.