MIL at Christmas

[JaffaJen]

AIBU for not wanting to host my MIL this Christmas? Since she was widowed 12 years ago she has been included in every Christmas, (apart from one where she went to her sister) even being invited to Christmas lunches at my parents house when we go there. She lives alone about 1.5 hrs away and doesn't drive and won't use public transport. Usually for hosting Christmas at home and DH will collect her on Xmas eve and then take her back the day after boxing day, so she stays 3 nights. She is not evil or mean but is very dull company, no conversation or spark, just drinks endless cups of tea, watches crappy ITV shows and moans about other family members (so probably does the same about us to them). This year has been tricky for my son (15), with some health and anxiety issues, so I want a nice quiet family Christmas where he can relax and just be himself. I also want to try something different this year and have the main Christmas dinner on Xmas eve, then we can have a relaxed morning opening presents, late breakfast/brunch and leftovers/nibbles in the evening. DH works in a school and breaks up this Friday (12th), DS breaks up on the 19th so there is plenty of time to visit her and take her out for a nice lunch etc (whereas i am working up to the 23rd inc). And we could even pop over on Boxing day too, when going to see my parents for a few hours (they live about 30 mins from MIL). I Know that she will be disappointed with this option as it's not 'Christmas day' but i really want a year without pandering to her needs, and to focus on having a happy time with my DS and DH.

I have taken pretty much a full Christmas dinner up to my mums and taken over the kitchen in similar circs.

so her standard of cooking wasn’t an issue.

not saying you should do this, just that it is possible

I think it's pretty mean to be honest. I think you should have let her know way earlier than this. Why dont you suggest rather than DH needing to drive a 3hr round journey either way, you all go to hers on Christmas Day but offer to bring the food and cook? Then have your lazy day just you, DH and DS on Boxing Day. You could make some excuse about the 3 hour round drive being a lot for him right now and it would be much easier to go there and back in the same day.

It's almost like some people can't see beyond their own noses.....one day there is a good chance you will be the MIL in the family, remember what you do now teaches your children how to behave with you when you are old and just want to drink tea and chill in front of the TV!
How can you not have a chilled day, park her in front of the telly and make her a brew, if dh and your son also make cups of tea you are all only making one in three brews......so a couple each over the whole day?
I would never leave a perfectly nice (but a bit boring) relative alone on Christmas day.

Tell her to get the train if she wants to come. And let your dh talk to her while you are "busy"..

You will be a mother in law possibly in the future and left out of things, not even thought about in conversations even about Xmas plans. It's extremely upsetting and difficult to accept trust me. Do what you feel is best for you and your family of course. You may not have another xmas with her so.

It’s too late for this year as it doesn’t sound like she has many options, especially at this late stage. Is your DH happy to leave her at home, alone?

I’ve told my daughter if she finds it as hard to visit me as I do with my mother, she has my permission not to bother. She doesn’t owe me her free time when I am older, just as I don’t owe my mother mine. If I become how my mother is, I don’t deserve for my daughter to put up with that.

Seems like a plan. But of course she won’t need your permission. I’m surprised you think she would

I also don’t visit my own parents and that won’t change when one of the dies.

My children know I’m all for them having whatever Christmas they want as adults turn up don’t turn up. Turn up sometimes. No point having a miserable Christmas every year to appease others. Everyone deserves a few christmases they actually enjoy and look forward to.

Noone has to invite anyone for Christmas and there are lots of people who have good reasons why someone isn't invited. But frankly it does seem extremely callous not to invite MIL at this late stage just because she's boring.
I'm sure not inviting her at this stage would be incredibly hurtful to her and in the long run cause more upset for your dh and you all than inviting her as usual. Surely just tell her the new arrangements, drop her back home on Boxing Day and enjoy your time while she's with you by parking her in front of the tv with a glass of Bailey's?

Sure. But pulling the rug out 2 weeks before Christmas is just cruel and totally inappropriate

planning ahead is essential and is what makes the difference between reasonable and callous.

Pretty bloody mean and not at all in the Christmas spirit to tell her you're not hosting her at this late stage.

Somewhat disingenuous to suggest she hasn't been invited already if she has been with you for so many years on the trot.

She seems pretty low maintenance.

Agree.

It's fine to want your own Christmas. But if you haven't told her yet that you want to do it differently, then I don't think two weeks' notice is enough if the last 12 years have involved her.

I think you should have thought about this a lot sooner than a fortnight before Christmas.

Nobody has to host anyone they don't want to, but given that your MIL is simply dull and not actually unpleasant, I thinking telling her she's not welcome on Christmas Day when there's only two weeks to go and it's probably a bit late for her to ask to go anywhere else, would be a bit unkind. If she was utterly obnoxious, that would be different.

You are leaving it a bit late now to change the set up. If you are going to do it there needs to be time for her to organise something else.

do you have more than one TV? Can you get her set up with the tv and kettle for the day while you have a relaxing one?

I can't imagine leaving a family member on their own at Christmas (unless they specified they wanted it). I think it's cruel. Particularly at such short notice. As a nation, we run campaigns about loneliness at Christmas. Would you really be able to forget about her and enjoy your Christmas with no regrets? Please don't do this.

All these people saying MIL can’t be alone. It’s not the end of the world. We used to fret about making sure my Nan had somewhere to go , in the end she preferred being at home.

Exactly this OP.

While you say no firm plans or invites made if it's been like that for a long time then that is the assumption.
It's way to close to change that and it's unfair to do so.

By all means do it next year and start staying it in October!

All op is asking for is one day this year for her to be thought about first. One day. Mil will get over it and she can be visited before or after Xmas by dh

OP, if this was your mum, would you feel the same?
This is your husband's mum and I think you should continue with previous plan.
If you are considering a change for next year, please give several months notice.
Fwiw, being with her son and gs is likely to mean a great deal to your MIL.
It's only for a few days, no biggie

With only 2 weeks until Christmas, I think it would be unfair to expect her to make alternative plans. A compromise would be to invite her until Boxing Day, a trip 1 day shorter than usual.

I think it’s mean spirited to drop this on her a fortnight before Christmas. Had you told her this two or three months ago, she would have had time to make alternative plans. It’s harsh imo because the likelihood is she’ll now spend it alone, unless anyone is willing to shift their plans around to fit her in. With DH being an only child it’s even worse, it isn’t like she has other children to go see. I wouldn’t do this so last minute, especially since she isn’t actually harmful in any way- just a bit drab.

Ahh I totally empathise but tbh if she isn't nasty I think tolerating her is part of the joining of families part of marriage.

We don't pick our family, but as host you can absolutely set expectations about what you'll be doing and invite her to join in (or stay home 🫢)

Given she has been for eleven out of twelve Christmases it’s hardly surprising or indeed unreasonable that she will have assumed.

And you could even gift her a flask! Make use of it on the day! Thoughtful AND practical.