MIL at Christmas

[JaffaJen]

AIBU for not wanting to host my MIL this Christmas? Since she was widowed 12 years ago she has been included in every Christmas, (apart from one where she went to her sister) even being invited to Christmas lunches at my parents house when we go there. She lives alone about 1.5 hrs away and doesn't drive and won't use public transport. Usually for hosting Christmas at home and DH will collect her on Xmas eve and then take her back the day after boxing day, so she stays 3 nights. She is not evil or mean but is very dull company, no conversation or spark, just drinks endless cups of tea, watches crappy ITV shows and moans about other family members (so probably does the same about us to them). This year has been tricky for my son (15), with some health and anxiety issues, so I want a nice quiet family Christmas where he can relax and just be himself. I also want to try something different this year and have the main Christmas dinner on Xmas eve, then we can have a relaxed morning opening presents, late breakfast/brunch and leftovers/nibbles in the evening. DH works in a school and breaks up this Friday (12th), DS breaks up on the 19th so there is plenty of time to visit her and take her out for a nice lunch etc (whereas i am working up to the 23rd inc). And we could even pop over on Boxing day too, when going to see my parents for a few hours (they live about 30 mins from MIL). I Know that she will be disappointed with this option as it's not 'Christmas day' but i really want a year without pandering to her needs, and to focus on having a happy time with my DS and DH.

Come on, OP. You know she will be expecting the usual arrangement. She will see right through a faux-naive "Oh, well we hadn't confirmed anything with you this year, MiL."

I bet you're not volunteering to call her and tell her either!

Trip from abroad and you’ve only just heard about it? Ok.

Fail to see how it's OP's problem to solve. If her DH and his Mum haven't had a conversation about Christmas arrangements by now, then they don't appear to be that close.

If it's always on them to travel to see MIL, because she doesn't want to drive or use public transport, she can't be surprised if some years it's not convenient for others to be acting as her taxi service and host. If MIL was bothered about being on her own, she could have asked about plans earlier then still had time to arrange to spend the day with her sister or someone. I couldn't imagine being that rude to just assume I'll be hosted every year indefinitely.

Things don't seem quite right here...

you said you wanted a quiet xmas because of your DS's health issues so you didn't want to host MIL (fair enough) but then all of a sudden there's a massive family xmas being arranged at your DM's where MIL wouldn't be invited (but has been previously)? And this is suddenly perfectly acceptable? What about you wanting a quiet xmas for your son? And all of a sudden you found out about this big family get together 2 weeks before xmas...ok then...

Sounds mean to leave her on her own. Sounds like you just have your DS so remember Christmas of the future you will be her. A daughter in law who decides shes not to keen on you. Doesn't want you for Christmas, she goes to her mum first with the grandkids before you. Sounds mad, but heaven forbid eh!

Not Everyone’s parents get along. My parents and I imagine my in-laws would feel the same would rather be alone than spend Christmas with each other. Nothing worse. Would probably pick shitting in their hands and clapping over it.

I have to have my MIL & she isn’t as easy company. Talks endlessly without breath & doesn’t want a response, over talks everyone, if you say the sky is blue,dictates tv & doesn’t watch it, moans about being bored, will pass the 1,000 comment on how I pre-boil potatoes ready for roasting, will follow that she doesn’t like roasters done that way, will say my veg is to al dente for her taste, will not want to play Christmas games, will want to talk about death & illness & to top it off will try & catch me out on things I’ve said. An example I get travel sick but she finds it odd I don’t get sick on planes & will often bring this up as a gotcha (it’s bizarre). I’m happy to do a swap. I’d quite like a quiet granny happy to drink tea. In all seriousness. Despite this I wouldn’t not have mine as I know her going to her sisters would be a massive disappointment to her & she’d see it as rejection.

Get DH to get her to ask her sister ... saying you all want a change this year and are not doing Xmas day dinner.

This is actually heartbreaking.

If I was your husband, it would make me see you in a different light completely.

Your poor mil

I do not think you are unreasonable OP. Why should you be expected to have another Xmas blighted ? You deserve to be happy and settled in your own home too.

Why do you think so little of yourself to have to endure this ? Its bizaare. Stop being a martyr. I would cancel Xmas all together if thats what I had to look forward to.

I’m not a martyr & I do stick up for myself. I may not say anything about the incessant talking but I have in the past not put the things she moans about on the plate & she’s sat there asking why not. Whilst I reply you don’t like them. My H is also very good & he is quick to tell his mom to pack it in. She always looks silly & then acts all innocent & say it’s not what I meant. In truth my husband doesn’t let anyone show any disrespect towards me & I think that is some of the reason she behaves this way

Why would you ask about something that has happend for 10 years? First few maybe but a decade.
The son was an excuse.

Only shes not shes out partying dragging the poor son who needed a quiet Christmas for his mental health with her to a massive gathering ....much quieter than gran in front of the tv.

Nah, doesnt ring true, so many holes on your logic.

Is your son going to spend a quiet day with your MiL?
Or is he attending the party….

How do you feel that your DM had not invited you to a big family party and worse than that you didn’t know family were visiting from abroad?

Good update

Yeah what a bizarre update.

This is mental. So because you made a thread 2 weeks before Christmas about not wanting your mother in law over you then 'decided to call your mum' and found out she's having a massive family party 'you knew nothing about' so now you are going there instead... 2 weeks before Christmas.
Maybe try talking to your MIL next time. She may have been more than happy to make alternative arrangements but because she's spent the last 11 with you she may have thought by doing so she may hurt your feelings. Although as you say she annoys you so much by drinking tea I can imagine the poor woman would be wrong whatever she did.

I agree with pp. You made a big deal of how your DS needed a quiet, chilled Christmas Day which was fair enough and yet now, you’ve suddenly been made aware that family are visiting from abroad and your mum is hosting a big party? How come she hadn’t mentioned any of this?
All sounds a bit odd to me. I rather hope this is a wind up because otherwise, you sound quite mean.

Its obviously op knew about the big get together and wanted to ditch boaring mil so made a whole storyline to justify it. Nasty.

Yeah your update makes you sound worse. Big family gathering and they can't squeeze in one more?