MIL at Christmas

[JaffaJen]

AIBU for not wanting to host my MIL this Christmas? Since she was widowed 12 years ago she has been included in every Christmas, (apart from one where she went to her sister) even being invited to Christmas lunches at my parents house when we go there. She lives alone about 1.5 hrs away and doesn't drive and won't use public transport. Usually for hosting Christmas at home and DH will collect her on Xmas eve and then take her back the day after boxing day, so she stays 3 nights. She is not evil or mean but is very dull company, no conversation or spark, just drinks endless cups of tea, watches crappy ITV shows and moans about other family members (so probably does the same about us to them). This year has been tricky for my son (15), with some health and anxiety issues, so I want a nice quiet family Christmas where he can relax and just be himself. I also want to try something different this year and have the main Christmas dinner on Xmas eve, then we can have a relaxed morning opening presents, late breakfast/brunch and leftovers/nibbles in the evening. DH works in a school and breaks up this Friday (12th), DS breaks up on the 19th so there is plenty of time to visit her and take her out for a nice lunch etc (whereas i am working up to the 23rd inc). And we could even pop over on Boxing day too, when going to see my parents for a few hours (they live about 30 mins from MIL). I Know that she will be disappointed with this option as it's not 'Christmas day' but i really want a year without pandering to her needs, and to focus on having a happy time with my DS and DH.

Given she hasn't actually done anything to you and you just find her a bit boring I think it would be outrageously mean to tell her 2 weeks before Christmas that she isn't invited.

It would make more sense to shorten the visit so pick her up xmas eve night and take her home boxing day morning, for example.

How does your husband feel about it?

As someone who has a 15 year old Dd who has been very ill this year I say prioritise your Ds and MIL can make other arrangements. DS needs to know that his needs to chill are more important. It’s not like MIL has nobody else and it’s been tough on you too this year it’s ok to put your nuclear family first sometimes

Obviously going against the grain here, but nothing you've said qould warrant leaving a family member on their own for Christmas.

You've listed quite normal things that she does, but then say you don't want to pander to her needs. But havent indicated you pander to her needs at all, unless you mean your husband collecting her?

If you’ve been doing this for years, it would be beyond cruel to say two weeks before Christmas that she isn’t invited. YANBU to feel fed up about it. I would try and make a change for next year, but start the process very early!

This. I had my in laws for years otherwise they’d be on their own. They moaned, and complained after the event. But there was no way I would have left them on their own.

I couldn’t knowingly allow anyone to spend Christmas Day alone. Think about the example you’re setting your son if you do this - would your husband even agree to it? I’d think a lot less of my OH if he made a suggestion like this.

It’s rather unkind to leave it two weeks before christmas, knowing she’ll be on her own. She might be boring op - but how would you feel in her shoes? Bit shit.

Who would leave their elderly mother on their own at Christmas?

I don’t think you can do that this Christmas, it’s too late. But I think you can probably let her know whilst she’s visiting you that your plans for next year won’t include her, so she has time to arrange something else.

As a child the family hosted the elderly lady down the road from us on Christmas Day. It was painful at times for my DSis and I when we were in our teens but we put up with it. The neighbour was not easy, had no electricity at home so no TV. Her Christmas Day treat apart from all the food was watching the Christmas Morecombe and Wise special at our house. DSis and I would walk her home at the end of what felt a very long day. We would come back home to a much needed drink as neighbour also didn't drink or approve of it. Our solution if it got too much was to go and lie on our beds for a bit of peace. OP, your DS could do that and the rest of you suck it up. Basically even as teens we realised it wasn't all about us and we would not have seen an elderly person spend Christmas Day alone. Neighbour used to go to another neighbour for Boxing Day incidentally so didn't do badly.

I agree with this. If you’ve always hosted she’s just going to expect it, however it doesn’t mean you have to continue hosting her every year. Tell her this will be the last Christmas with guests as next year you’ll be doing Christmas on your own … or tell her you’re going away…

When my (narcissistic, abusive) mother became a widow 16 years ago (sigh), I nipped it right in the bud.
Now at 83, she's quite happy in my country of origin in the company of her similar friends.
If you pandered to your MIL for 12 years, I'm not sure how a change would go down.
Given your reasons, YANBU absolutely.

I'm in a similar situation with my mum, would prefer not to have her here, not have to drive and get her, but no way would I leave her (or anyone else) alone.

I agree. Mind you, my mum even invited the neighbour when she was on her own, and took us to visit a woman who went to the place she worked (as a receptionist) over Christmas because she didn't want her to be alone. They had kids, but they didn't go.

I think offering to pick her up Christmas Eve then dropping her home Boxing Day is probably the best you can do given it’s such late notice.

Tell her you’re going away for Christmas next year so she gets used to the idea of making alternative plans.

OP has had her MIL to stay over Christmas for 11 years running. MIL is dull and self-absorbed and OP's DH has a difficult relationship with her because she didn't give him a good childhood. At what point does the obligation end? Lots of couples will alternate Christmas Day with each of their families. If OP and her DH had done that, MIL would have been alone every other year but OP was kind enough to invite her to OP's parents house on Christmas Day. OP wants one Christmas without her so that she can focus on her son, who is having a difficult time with his mental health.

OP has said that her DH can visit his mum and spend time with her before Christmas as he breaks up early from work.

Absolutely nothing wrong with what you want except that it's two weeks before Christmas. What a mean thing to do. This sort of casual cruelty never fails to take my breath away.

At what point does the obligation end?

Death.

No.
When the adult "child" states so, for whatever reason fitting.

Lol, an adult-adult relationship is a two way thing. Either party gets to end it.

Death. Wow.

Sorry just suck up a shitty thing till they finally die. Then feel bad for being glad you no longer have to do it. Don’t forget make sure you keep the same shitty tradition for your children till death as well so the cycle can continue.

No thank you.

Bucking the trend of over a decade and with two weeks' notice is shit and you know it. I'm all for telling my mother no, but not a mere fortnight ahead of time when she presumably assumes she'll be at yours.

Probably not be a widow

I can see what you mean but I think it woukd be completely heartless to do this and what type of message are you giving your own children here?

it’s your home so be sure to suggest how the family dh it is celebrate the day and set the tone, but don’t exclude her!

Could you shorten the visit, and give DS permission to hole up in his room if he needs space?