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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL at Christmas

146 replies

JaffaJen · 10/12/2025 11:59

AIBU for not wanting to host my MIL this Christmas? Since she was widowed 12 years ago she has been included in every Christmas, (apart from one where she went to her sister) even being invited to Christmas lunches at my parents house when we go there. She lives alone about 1.5 hrs away and doesn't drive and won't use public transport. Usually for hosting Christmas at home and DH will collect her on Xmas eve and then take her back the day after boxing day, so she stays 3 nights. She is not evil or mean but is very dull company, no conversation or spark, just drinks endless cups of tea, watches crappy ITV shows and moans about other family members (so probably does the same about us to them). This year has been tricky for my son (15), with some health and anxiety issues, so I want a nice quiet family Christmas where he can relax and just be himself. I also want to try something different this year and have the main Christmas dinner on Xmas eve, then we can have a relaxed morning opening presents, late breakfast/brunch and leftovers/nibbles in the evening. DH works in a school and breaks up this Friday (12th), DS breaks up on the 19th so there is plenty of time to visit her and take her out for a nice lunch etc (whereas i am working up to the 23rd inc). And we could even pop over on Boxing day too, when going to see my parents for a few hours (they live about 30 mins from MIL). I Know that she will be disappointed with this option as it's not 'Christmas day' but i really want a year without pandering to her needs, and to focus on having a happy time with my DS and DH.

OP posts:
BernardButlersBra · 10/12/2025 16:47

BellaBal · 10/12/2025 12:10

You do realise that she is probably still grieving her dh? Grief doesn’t go away just to suit your cosy Christmas plans.

Christmas is a terrible time of year for being alone. I would judge you harshly for cutting her out of Christmas. What a dreadfully hurtful thing to do.

Your dh has WEEKS off work.he could easily collect her on 23rd, then drop her back on 26th if you prefer to have Xmas lunch on 24th.

If your ds can’t relax with her around then he needs to grow up. You don’t desert other family members who are struggling at Christmas, not where I come from.

Does that mean she's needs to be pandered to forever?!

Personally l would do things the way you want them as it's your house, you are paying for it l assume and organising it. Tough if she doesn't like it, she will still be being fed 🤷‍♀️. It's not all about her. She also shouldn't just assume she is going to yours

EsmeArcher · 10/12/2025 16:54

Definitely leave her on her own at Christmas.

After all, she should be over the death of her husband by now, and make sure you show your son exactly how you expect to be treated by his future partner.

Oh and by the way, make sure your husband knows he doesn’t get to decide about hosting his mum.

Oh, and make sure you reflect on what a loving and thoughtful person you really are.

HoskinsChoice · 10/12/2025 18:43

notatinydancer · 10/12/2025 14:08

All these people saying MIL can’t be alone. It’s not the end of the world. We used to fret about making sure my Nan had somewhere to go , in the end she preferred being at home.

But that's a completely different scenario. If someone chooses to spend Christmas alone, that's up to them. Her MIL has never suggested she wants to spend Christmas alone so it's cruel to refuse without giving her time to make other arrangements.

hididdlyho · 10/12/2025 19:02

If you've not discussed plans with her then that's fair enough to go ahead and do your own thing imo. I don't have a great relationship with my Mum and if I hadn't made the effort to travel to see her, it would now be 5 years since we'd seen each other (it's only a 2 hour train journey and she's retired). When someone doesn't help themselves by refusing to learn to drive or use public transport, they need to accept they'll be occasions where they're isolating themselves.

sprigatito · 10/12/2025 22:19

openthewindoweveryday · 10/12/2025 16:38

Can you book her a hotel? Pick her up Xmas Eve, two nights in the nearest hotel to you, drop her back Boxing Day.

A lot of elderly ladies would find it very daunting to stay in a hotel on their own. Both of my grandmothers would really have struggled with that.

thepariscrimefiles · 11/12/2025 07:24

curious79 · 10/12/2025 16:20

I feel your pain. My MIL is entirely inoffensive in one way, but she absolutely adds nothing to the mix. She can be very negative. She’s extremely judgemental, but more with eye rolls and the odd little comment but certainly not through her conversation. And she has no conversation. Unless she’s talking about going back to the shit hole area of a certain city that she grew up in, which not all together ironically is full of the very immigrants she professes to hate.

Nonetheless, I wouldn’t dream of leaving her on her own at Christmas time. I just feel that family is something you just suck up and live with. How would you feel if it was your mother who was the boring pain in the arse? Presume that you would expect your husband to just soak it up for a couple of days.

You don’t have to watch the television with her. You could get a small one and put it in her bedroom, if you are finding the programmes she watches particularly annoying and intrusive given the size of your house, etc.

Personally I feel the solution here is not to leave her out but to instead insist that your DH takes her somewhere, or you arrange things so that you are out of her company for a while.

I wouldn't call her 'hatred of immigrants' entirely inoffensive. I'd call that very offensive and probably racist.

I assume that you don't agree with her views so you are being extremely tolerant to welcome her every Christmas. I wouldn't be so accommodating.

Is there a 'complete freedom from the consequences of any sort of unreasonable behaviour, including racism' age so that older people who have reached that age have carte blanche to be as unpleasant and difficult as they like but can still expect an invitation into other people's homes?

Fernsrus · 11/12/2025 07:47

JaffaJen · 10/12/2025 12:14

DH is an only child and has a complicated relationship with her. She wasn't the best parent growing up, and now he feels like he is responsible for her happiness, especially around Christmas. She is an awful cook, and doesn't have any idea how to cater for a family so we can't even go there to eat and then leave early evening,

Go to gets and cook there? Next year anyway.

CheeseNinja · 11/12/2025 08:18

Another one voting for “it’s a bit too late” I don’t exactly love my MIL but I wouldn’t do that to her.

Maddy70 · 11/12/2025 08:51

I honestly couldn't leave anyone alone Christmas day , which is why I have 16 people to cater for ;) it's your husband's mum ....

rainbowstardrops · 11/12/2025 09:23

Of course you can do what you like but I still think it’s a bit mean to leave her out this year.
You can still have the Christmas Eve dinner and a casual, relaxed Christmas Day. Just tell her that’s what you’re doing!

notatinydancer · 11/12/2025 09:45

HoskinsChoice · 10/12/2025 18:43

But that's a completely different scenario. If someone chooses to spend Christmas alone, that's up to them. Her MIL has never suggested she wants to spend Christmas alone so it's cruel to refuse without giving her time to make other arrangements.

Show quote history

Also the relationship doesn’t sound great , she doesn’t actually sound very nice.

Original poster
JaffaJen · 11/12/2025 10:27

Thank you for all your responses and views, after reading them i decided to call my mum, I haven't spent a Christmas with them for about 4 years, and she knows how awkward and difficult it can be spending time with MIL. It turns out that other family members are visiting from abroad this year, so they have decided to have a big Christmas get together for my side of the family, there will be about 16 of us in total. We are now going to join them for Christmas lunch . We can still have our chill Christmas eve dinner, and go and visit MIL on Christmas morning for a couple of hrs.

OP posts:
Meerkatmanor4 · 11/12/2025 10:29

I pick up my DH drops off. Is that an option?

FollowSpot · 11/12/2025 10:41

Edited: Missed most recent update.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 11/12/2025 10:50

JaffaJen · 11/12/2025 10:27

Thank you for all your responses and views, after reading them i decided to call my mum, I haven't spent a Christmas with them for about 4 years, and she knows how awkward and difficult it can be spending time with MIL. It turns out that other family members are visiting from abroad this year, so they have decided to have a big Christmas get together for my side of the family, there will be about 16 of us in total. We are now going to join them for Christmas lunch . We can still have our chill Christmas eve dinner, and go and visit MIL on Christmas morning for a couple of hrs.

So mil gets to spend the majority of the day alone, not share a Christmas dinner with her family but that's ok because she's a bit dull and your family are having a big get together! And she finds out about this 2 weeks before Christmas! Yay!

sittingonabeach · 11/12/2025 11:09

@Bigearringsbigsmile so what has DH done about his mum?

Original poster
JaffaJen · 11/12/2025 11:10

Well i think it's a good compromise, DH can spend time with her prior to Christmas day, take her out for a nice Christmas pub lunch etc. She will get to see all of us on Christmas day, open presents etc, just not the usual of being hosted for three days. If he wants DH can even go and spend more time with MIL in the evening as it's only about 1/2 hr away from my parents.

OP posts:
Tourmalines · 11/12/2025 11:12

So what happened to the nice quiet Christmas that you wanted to have for your son so he could just relax and be himself? Now he’s going to a great big party! Well , that was just an excuse.

BIossomtoes · 11/12/2025 11:16

Tourmalines · 11/12/2025 11:12

So what happened to the nice quiet Christmas that you wanted to have for your son so he could just relax and be himself? Now he’s going to a great big party! Well , that was just an excuse.

Certainly looks that way. And trying to sell it as a compromise. I hope you get the Dil you deserve @JaffaJen.

SkinnyOatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 11/12/2025 11:19

You guys seriously can’t fit one more in for Christmas lunch at your parents? I really hope you remember this if your son and DIL ever treat you so poorly.

sprigatito · 11/12/2025 11:20

JaffaJen · 11/12/2025 11:10

Well i think it's a good compromise, DH can spend time with her prior to Christmas day, take her out for a nice Christmas pub lunch etc. She will get to see all of us on Christmas day, open presents etc, just not the usual of being hosted for three days. If he wants DH can even go and spend more time with MIL in the evening as it's only about 1/2 hr away from my parents.

Ouch, poor MIL. Two weeks before Christmas and she’s about to find out she’s being ditched for the first time in over a decade. I hope you’ll at least allow her to express her hurt without being arsey.

Fedupmumofadultsons · 11/12/2025 11:31

So you go and ask your mum anything but have mil over you are being nasty and you know it .I am sure you mum wouldn't mind another person .but you are going to leave a perfectly nice but dull widow on her own most of christmas day .you wanted a relaxing day but now you going to mix with 16 other folk .so much for wanting son to have a relaxing day . you obviously moaned to your mummy and she said oh just come here .shame on you and hopefully you won't complain when your son dumps you .with two weeks notice for a better offer .it's two weeks and now you let her know shame on you again .I mean your mum was clearly not inviting you .but after some crying I bet she gave in .. merry Christmas terrible behaviour

Itsnearlymybirthday · 11/12/2025 11:48

I find that update quite sad. I don't have any issue with you not wanting your MIL there but I think 2 weeks before Christmas to just tell her she isn't invited and throw the scraps of a quick visit in quite cruel.
Maybe that's just me though, I couldn't in all consciousness do that and then go on and have a good time.

InlandTaipan · 11/12/2025 11:52

JaffaJen · 11/12/2025 10:27

Thank you for all your responses and views, after reading them i decided to call my mum, I haven't spent a Christmas with them for about 4 years, and she knows how awkward and difficult it can be spending time with MIL. It turns out that other family members are visiting from abroad this year, so they have decided to have a big Christmas get together for my side of the family, there will be about 16 of us in total. We are now going to join them for Christmas lunch . We can still have our chill Christmas eve dinner, and go and visit MIL on Christmas morning for a couple of hrs.

And this is the quiet, relaxed Christmas that your son so desperately needed? You know, the one that meant you couldn't host your MiL at short notice. 🤔

HoskinsChoice · 11/12/2025 12:02

I suppose this is the husband's problem to deal with but, fuck me, this is awful. What happened to Christmas spirit?