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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL at Christmas

146 replies

JaffaJen · 10/12/2025 11:59

AIBU for not wanting to host my MIL this Christmas? Since she was widowed 12 years ago she has been included in every Christmas, (apart from one where she went to her sister) even being invited to Christmas lunches at my parents house when we go there. She lives alone about 1.5 hrs away and doesn't drive and won't use public transport. Usually for hosting Christmas at home and DH will collect her on Xmas eve and then take her back the day after boxing day, so she stays 3 nights. She is not evil or mean but is very dull company, no conversation or spark, just drinks endless cups of tea, watches crappy ITV shows and moans about other family members (so probably does the same about us to them). This year has been tricky for my son (15), with some health and anxiety issues, so I want a nice quiet family Christmas where he can relax and just be himself. I also want to try something different this year and have the main Christmas dinner on Xmas eve, then we can have a relaxed morning opening presents, late breakfast/brunch and leftovers/nibbles in the evening. DH works in a school and breaks up this Friday (12th), DS breaks up on the 19th so there is plenty of time to visit her and take her out for a nice lunch etc (whereas i am working up to the 23rd inc). And we could even pop over on Boxing day too, when going to see my parents for a few hours (they live about 30 mins from MIL). I Know that she will be disappointed with this option as it's not 'Christmas day' but i really want a year without pandering to her needs, and to focus on having a happy time with my DS and DH.

OP posts:
sittingonabeach · 10/12/2025 16:02

Everyone getting at the OP as the evil DIL but not seeing her DH doing anything about making sure everything is sorted for Christmas

Itsnearlymybirthday · 10/12/2025 16:04

I do get that it’s hard, but I do think you’ve left it quite late to say she’s not invited. I couldn’t leave her to be on her own.

Youhavemade · 10/12/2025 16:09

sittingonabeach · 10/12/2025 16:02

Everyone getting at the OP as the evil DIL but not seeing her DH doing anything about making sure everything is sorted for Christmas

In my family, my DH spent Christmas with his mum, travelling after Christmas Day breakfast and staying over.

When I shared that arrangement on here, I was lambasted for him not spending enough time with me and my children. (even though the arrangement was carefully considered as the (not perfect) best option for everyone and worked for us).

Sometimes, men can't win!

None of us can split ourselves in two, so compromise is needed.

Christmascaketime · 10/12/2025 16:10

I think you’ve left it too late to uninvite her this year. Appreciate no explicit invitation but it sounds like an unspoken one as she comes every year.
I’d do your new plans eg meal Xmas eve. Tell DH to let her know. Can you cut back a day eg drop her back Boxing Day saying you have plans near where she lives.
Next year summertime say you are hoping to be going away and she’ll need to make plans with her sister.

BettysRoasties · 10/12/2025 16:11

This yeah cut the sleep over time. Like a pp said. Collect late Christmas Eve leaves early Boxing Day.

Could you and ds even do a nice Christmas walk to break up the day and get away for a bit.

Don’t be the tea girl and don’t be afraid to turn over the tv channel or decide you want to listen to music or whatever. If you have a space you could always set mil up with a tv there rather than taking over the whole livingroom.

Make her aware in the new year that you won’t be hosting anyone in 2026. Break the cycle.

EatMoreChocolate44 · 10/12/2025 16:16

It would be unkind to leave her out and if that's been the set up for years then she will be very hurt if you change it. You can do whatever you want of course but you could be alone some day.

Christmascaketime · 10/12/2025 16:18

Age of your son is helpful. Use this Christmas for conversations to sew seed eg DS will be finishing school next year, gosh where does time go. Won’t be 5 mins before he’s off to uni. We are hoping to go to ‘country’ while we still can.

curious79 · 10/12/2025 16:20

I feel your pain. My MIL is entirely inoffensive in one way, but she absolutely adds nothing to the mix. She can be very negative. She’s extremely judgemental, but more with eye rolls and the odd little comment but certainly not through her conversation. And she has no conversation. Unless she’s talking about going back to the shit hole area of a certain city that she grew up in, which not all together ironically is full of the very immigrants she professes to hate.

Nonetheless, I wouldn’t dream of leaving her on her own at Christmas time. I just feel that family is something you just suck up and live with. How would you feel if it was your mother who was the boring pain in the arse? Presume that you would expect your husband to just soak it up for a couple of days.

You don’t have to watch the television with her. You could get a small one and put it in her bedroom, if you are finding the programmes she watches particularly annoying and intrusive given the size of your house, etc.

Personally I feel the solution here is not to leave her out but to instead insist that your DH takes her somewhere, or you arrange things so that you are out of her company for a while.

Wouldhavebeenproficient · 10/12/2025 16:25

just drinks endless cups of tea, watches crappy ITV shows and moans about other family members

O God, this is describing me if you swap out ITV for netflix.

I think you've missed the boat this year as she won't have time to make other plans. Next year bring it up by September.

momtoboys · 10/12/2025 16:27

I think it is very unkind to leave her in the lurch this close to Christmas.

PullTheBricksDown · 10/12/2025 16:29

BellaBal · 10/12/2025 12:10

You do realise that she is probably still grieving her dh? Grief doesn’t go away just to suit your cosy Christmas plans.

Christmas is a terrible time of year for being alone. I would judge you harshly for cutting her out of Christmas. What a dreadfully hurtful thing to do.

Your dh has WEEKS off work.he could easily collect her on 23rd, then drop her back on 26th if you prefer to have Xmas lunch on 24th.

If your ds can’t relax with her around then he needs to grow up. You don’t desert other family members who are struggling at Christmas, not where I come from.

Just pointing out that the DS here is also a struggling family member.

With the TV, does she just get her way with what to watch? Does your husband allow this for a quiet life? I would welcome her in but not allow her to take over something like that.

NET145 · 10/12/2025 16:29

Drinking tea hardly the crime of the century. What is humanity coming to!

NET145 · 10/12/2025 16:29

Drinking tea hardly the crime of the century. What is humanity coming to!

NET145 · 10/12/2025 16:29

Drinking tea hardly the crime of the century. What is humanity coming to!

NET145 · 10/12/2025 16:29

Drinking tea hardly the crime of the century. What is humanity coming to!

NET145 · 10/12/2025 16:29

Drinking tea hardly the crime of the century. What is humanity coming to!

BettysRoasties · 10/12/2025 16:30

You like tea @NET145 😅

amber763 · 10/12/2025 16:31

This would be very mean to tell her 2 weeks before Christmas that she isn't invited and id be furious if my partner wanted to do this to my mum.

DisforDarkChocolate · 10/12/2025 16:32

RowersDelight · 10/12/2025 12:20

Could you really enjoy your day knowing she was alone?

If the choice was between that and the happiness of my son who is having a difficult year, then yes I could. Son comes first.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 10/12/2025 16:33

amber763 · 10/12/2025 16:31

This would be very mean to tell her 2 weeks before Christmas that she isn't invited and id be furious if my partner wanted to do this to my mum.

This!!

TidyCyan · 10/12/2025 16:34

I totally get wanting a year off from hosting but it's really too late.

UninitendedShark · 10/12/2025 16:34

Another voice to the chorus of ‘you’ve left it too late’. I voted YABU because of this.

BlackCatFanClub · 10/12/2025 16:34

I think it’s too late to change it now. Or can she go to her sisters.

Is she bothered though. My MIL ended up spending a Christmas Day alone, I can’t remember why exactly, I think we had all double booked ourselves. She didn’t actually care.
She didn’t actually like Christmas thought, didn’t like presents, didn’t like the food, and would also come and complain for the whole visit. I know she would have been very unhappy at your backwards Christmas idea.

The only thing you can do is pick her up Christmas Eve afternoon and take her back Boxing Day morning and keep it minimal.

openthewindoweveryday · 10/12/2025 16:38

Can you book her a hotel? Pick her up Xmas Eve, two nights in the nearest hotel to you, drop her back Boxing Day.

5128gap · 10/12/2025 16:39

I wouldn't tell someone this close to Christmas they weren't invited for the first time in 15 years, just because they're boring, no. There sounds to be no reason whatsoever your DS can't relax or you can't shift meals around if all the woman does is watch your tele and drink tea. If this is such a problem for you, your H needs to tell her well in advance of next year. Tell her now (what would you even say?) and you're going to cause a lot of upset. Bit unfair for your H being in the middle of that because if he's got any decency he will feel guilty which won't be the perfect Christmas for him you're imagining.