Should self employed husband be able to care for three kids for a weekend?

[Plasey]

Husband is self employed and I am a SAHM. The division of labour is very clear cut in our marriage. Dh does help with the house/kids when he is not working. Whilst I do my best to make sure husband is supported in his business. I think I am a lot more flexible than many would be in my situation. DH’s business is hugely stressful for him. The industry DH works is in a weird place and he’s feeling it. Especially as he has 50+ staff who rely on him. Luckily I have siblings without children and my parents to help me out.

I want to go on a weekend away with some friends. Normally I would send my two youngest to my sister/BIL and the oldest to my parents. But I’ve thought, “no I want the kids to be with their dad for the two days I am away”. He’s their father after all and they are very well behaved.

its caused a bit of an issue. Dh is worried he will have to go into work and he will be left up shits creek if that were the case. Dh doesn’t often go away for recreation at the weekends but when he does I’m not shipping the kids out.

It has become a matter of principle. Am I being unreasonable?

Dh doesn’t see why we can’t do what we always do ie get help from my family.

I was a doormat for a long time then I grew a pair and started saying no. Then I moved away and he couldn't do it anymore.

Seems like you are trying to prove a point for the sake of it to be honest. You’ve said the business that your family (including your children) rely on is in a tricky industry and your husband needs to work long hours including most weekends to keep it afloat. How do you expect him to have 3 kids alone and do that? What happens if he didn’t go in for the weekend? Would this impact your finances? Impact the ability to pay your bills that month? Are you expecting your family to make no plans that weekend as well in case they are needed? It’s pretty selfish on your part to be honest.

It’s easy to sit there as a SAHM who is supported solely by her husband and say that he needs to pull his weight with the kids. I totally agree to some extent, but you are putting him in a situation that you know he can’t commit too. If you have willing family, the kids need to go there. Or failing that you need to get yourself a job to get some extra income in, so it’s not so imperative your husband goes in every weekend. I’m sure your husband given the choice, would prefer to spend his time with his children. He can’t do that because he is having to support all 3 of them and a perfectly fit and healthy adult (you).

Yeah. Maybe it would be a good idea to get back into full time work at a high earning level so that she can support the family should his business fail!

My parents owned their own business, it’s often a 24/7, we were latch key kids. I don’t think people understand what it’s like if they have never done it. DH has a very busy job that involves calls at stupid hours/ travel. He definitely does what he can, sometimes someone is just not available

Can you work on the assumption he is taking care of them but ask family to step in as back up incase he needs a few hours? Also going away on a weekend with adults means you can step away for a few hours and get on the laptop/phone of you need to. It’s not the same with kids.

I would think the same if it was the wife running a business and dad as SAHP as well.

He has a workforce of 50, he is not a one man band. What if he was in hospital sick for example, if the business could not carry on without him for two days then I think that is very flimsy.

Why doesn’t he lean on his family?

Absolutely. It’s not babysitting or helping out when it’s his own children.

go and have your weekend away, as a sahm you literally never switch off. It’s good for the soul to remember you are an adult in your own right not just mum

I agree the DH relationship with DC will suffer, but what is OP genuinely doing to help DH's relationship with DC improve?

She doesn't contribute financially to alleviate this burden from DH. She has family members that can help out from time to time, but that's them helping out in those situation. And guarantee those family members will help OP have downtime when it suits her.

OP has an easy life. Living a comfortable lifestyle free of the burden of working life due to being married to an absolute grafter. Gets to form strong relationships with DC to the detriment of DH's relationship (yes he is partly to blame but OP's relationship with DC wouldn't be as strong if she was contributing financially).

I think people underestimate the stress and responsibilty DH probably feels and those calling him a crap dad etc are BU. I bet DH would love nothing more than to win the lottery and spend his days with DC, but short of a lottery win or a partner who can contribute financially that's just a dream.

But he goes away himself sometimes ao this isn't the issue

I can't quite believe what I'm reading here...I'm a single mum with a primary-aged child and I'm self-employed in a high pressure role with huge responsibility for clients and contracts...I do both mum and professional roles to the best of my ability at all times, and sometimes have to do both of them at the same time...

So your principle doesn't make sense. You know it is very likely that he will be called into work while you are away. What would be the point of having to change the childcare arrangements at short notice, risking upsetting everyone involved?

Again this is the real world. Do you think the 50 employees he has all have a strong work ethic and a drive for the business to succeed? Many businesses have to make do with the quality of staff they can get and need to manage those staff closely in some cases. Not ideal. Plus businesses eb and flow and can easily fall on hard times and require more of your personal time. How many people support there spouse and family by only doing their contracted hours? I can imagine not many.

I was a SAHM. I think OP is unreasonable.

No wonder he's "stressed" if his business keeps having "emergencies" that not one of his 50 staff can deal with.

If it really is that bad (and he isn't just rushing in at the weekend to refill the photocoper then sit on his arse in a nice quiet office) as. 50-something man he is risking his health. If he suddenly ends up in intensive care after a heart bypass, will the business sink or swim? If it's "sink" then your situation is worryingly brittle. If it's "swim" then he can perfectly well look after the children for a weekend.

No...youve got that wrong OP is supporting DH to be a father without parenting, to eat no doubt without cooking, to have clean clothes etc etc...when added up the services she provides would be very expensive to buy...as it is a mother is asking for a weekend off. That is all

Hard agree. And he's perfectly capable of sorting out childcare in an emergency.

Why can't it be the same rules as with you?
He deals with the children. If he gets called into work/ there's an emergency, he draws upon the usual support structure of your family.

Quite amazing how many think because you have a business you must be rolling in it -people forget business can be a bit up and down too and unless you are constantly hiring and firing requires you to cover off in times that are a bit down.

The business being ‘flimsy’ has nothing to do with anything, it’s completely irrelevant. Maybe it isn’t the most stable business right now but the DH is trying his best and managing to keep a roof over his families head. Wishing it wasn’t a flimsy business isn’t going to change anything is it? Stupid comment.

And she's perfectly capable of going to work and equally financially providing for the family. So...?

Just looking at the weekend a few things to consider- when he has to go in to work is it because of a critical situation? Is there any way of prempting things, or arranging for someone else to cover emergencies for a weekend? Might he be called for in the evening/night, how soon does he have to get there, and would he know how long he'd have to go in for? If your family would need to be available all weekend, possibly provide meals if it falls at a meal time, and they might not know when or how long for, they'll need to be home and on call 24/7 so it might be easier/more fun for everyone if the kids are with your family for the weekend. If he gets a call in the morning, and is able to pop in for an hour in the afternoon to sort it that's a bit different- would give time to sort the kids and make arrangements with your family. If he's not called on overnight/in the evenings, perhaps a compromise could be that he drops the kids to your family or arranges to do something with them in the day? Alternatively if you think work is being used as an excuse to get out of having the kids then maybe that's because he feels out of his depth with it- if you're a SAHM and he's running a business with 50 people employed, then you're going to be the parenting expert, and he's going to be the work expert- that's the choice you've made and that's totally ok, but just as he wouldn't expect you to be able to go into his work and run the busines for 2 days, he may not feel confident handling the kids and everything at home for 2 days. How can you work together to support that- prep food in advance, have the house/washing etc sorted so he can focus on the kids, help plan a day out etc. The third possibility is that you think he's using work as an excuse, that he's great with the kids and has had them on his own before so you know he can do it, and you think he's being lazy to try and get out of having them for the weekend without you, and that's a different conversation that's needed...

I cannot fathom the idea of a man not being able to look after his children for two days.

There is something so wrong with a family set up that one parent ensures they have zero primary responsibility for their children ever alone.

You are right to insist on this.
It's too convenient for him to have his main priorities outside the home.

CEOs ought to be able to parent their children too though. A female CEO would be expected to hold the fort for the weekend 100% - a male equivalent ought to able to do the same. It’s just one weekend and there is a fallback if something blows up at work.

Agree. This sounds perfectly fine - there’s back up if he needs it.