£100 Christmas budget per teen, I feel awful

[ClypoClimb]

I have 2 DC, DD1 is 17 and DD2 is 15.
We don’t have any family support, we live in a small 2 bedroom house so they are still sharing a room, and tbh I feel like I always feel as though I’m just not doing enough for them. DD1 does have a part time job but it’s one day a week and she’s not making loads.

Anyway their dad had promised he’d contribute £200 per child to the Christmas budget; luckily they don’t need any big items like phones or laptops this year so I have budgeted £100 per child, on top of that. Well today their dad messaged saying he can no longer give anything.

DD1 has asked for a full size digital piano with semi weighted keys and a sustain pedal as she has been teaching herself and the keyboard they have right now is awful. I’ve looked on Amazon and they do seem to have some for £100-£120 but that would be either the entire budget or over budget. She’s also asked for some books which I think I’ll be able to get second hand, a skateboard and some beauty stuff that comes to about £50 total, so would have been fine on £300 but not fine on £100.
DD2 has asked for a vinyl record player, a Polaroid camera, some beauty stuff and a new pair of trainers (which alone quite expensive).

I feel really crappy and totally disengaged from Christmas now. Their dad doesn’t live locally and basically never sees them, so Christmas is all on me. I think for teens their lists were quite reasonable and now knowing I’ll hardly be able to get them anything has just upset me so much.

AIBU to feel like this?

Doubt he will give a toss .

Get them the thing they want most and tell them you'll treat them to some trainers down the line when you can afford.

That’s a fortune! I’ve never spent £100 on my kids and they’re now 18 & 20! When they were little I’d buy 2nd hand eBay and when they started writing to Father Christmas I’d shop around. If they want something expensive I’ll contribute but no way £100! DS 18 this year wants marvel Lego sets and a poster. DS20 wants a new laptop and I’ll contribute. Got them little fun things to open like novelty socks and chocs. One year DS18 had a tv. He was around 15. It cost £60.

I’d be honest. Ask them what thing they’d want the most and you’ll try to get it . You can get a lot second hand.

Have you looked on places like CEX?

This is a digital piano with weighted keys:

https://uk.webuy.com/product-detail/?id=5055888805891B

Their dad is absolutely useless (not for not being rich but for letting them down so suddenly). It's not your job to protect him, though - they're old enough that you can tell them the truth - and it's better to be honest with them than go into debt. They'll be more disappointed that their dad has let them down than about the material stuff, and sadly you can't change that.

As everyone else has said, go second hand.

There is so much stuff out there that is new in box going for a song on eBay and vinted - the Oxfam website is also very good.

As a pianist, I am always getting offered free pianos, both acoustic and electric. People often buy them with the intention of learning and then they sit in a corner gathering dust. Often people will pay you to take them away as they take up so much space and they are desperate to get rid! Go on your local Freecycle or Facebook marketplace and ask if anyone has one going.

I know their is nothing inherently wrong with £100 each, I guess I just know many of their friends will be getting expensive clothes, bikes, tech etc. and feel sad I can’t do what I was hoping too.

We are quite well off, but I don’t think we ever spent much more than £100 on their presents. Instead we spent money on experiences throughout the year.

Most children get so much at Christmas and I wonder whether many of them are a little overwhelmed by it all.

Bake Christmas cookies with them, construct a gingerbread house, make some Christmas tree decorations, take them to a carol service…… things they’ll remember. I know mine do, even though they are now approaching middle age.

For their dad to go from £200 to £0 is incredibly unreasonable. Can he really not contribute anything at all? Even £50 each would make a difference.

You could look on freecycle OP, and even post wanted ads on there. Lots of nice and generous people do use that site so you may have some luck. Also, amazon sell used books from world of books and other sellers. ( apologies if you already know this). Also, if you have any larger charity shops near you such as the ones that have furniture, you may have some luck with a keyboard or record player...good luck!

Tell them the unvarnished truth. And try to figure out a way to get them what they need/want after Christmas, if possible.

As someone who has volunteered with it for years
years and has watched thousands of pounds worth of stuff go into wet storage containers to be held
for future years. I can safely say there is a surplus of stuff and kids receive gifts from it when their parents also have had a small amount to spend on them it’s not exclusively reserved for children with no other presents or gifts. Also £100 per child which is hardly much in the current economy.

Give your head a wobble instead of petty responses on mumsnet will ye?

We only spend about 150 /child and we are wealthy.
It doesn't need to be about massive overspending

Oh good, as you are wealthy and she is a struggling single mother, you can DM her, get her details and send her some money to help her buy the things she can't afford.

All sorted 😘

I always laugh at people who say “but why isn’t he contributing? Can you not ask him for X, Y, Z?”. This man is clearly an enormous shitbag who doesn’t give a toss about his kids. Appealing to his better nature won’t work if he hasn’t got one. You can’t make someone contribute who chooses not to.

OP, I totally get it. And I’m so sorry. Some good ideas on here but I know how it feels, and it’s all compounded by your being so rural, so second-hand stuff will be hard to source. Your girls will truly remember that you did your best, I promise you. Be honest with them. And I hope you all have as merry a Christmas as you can muster.

I don't know op from anyone. I donate a lot of time and money to a local charity that properly checks out grant applicants. I expect I do far far more than most. I was aiming to reassure op that there are plenty of children not getting excessive mounds of gifts.

I've been a struggling single mum and I wouldnt have accepted help if I could afford £100 a child and I imagine op is the same.

Sorry but this is utterly shit from their dad. He cannot contribute anything for his children at Christmas??? I’d be cutting him off tbh he sounds like the most useless toxic father. He’s let you down hugely and them.

Sorry he has proved so unreliable. It’s fine to give them small gifts and buy second hand. Don’t get sucked into loads of money = lovely Xmas. It’s not what it’s about xxxx

Its really hard, isn't it@ClypoClimb

Im in the same position with 2 girls, no maintenance or presents from their dad. Ive used credit cards or klarna in previous years, but then im just struggling with the bills and food for a few months after Christmas.

I have been so stressed about it, but i sat them down a few weeks ago and explained there will be a bit less in the stocking this Christmas as things are a bit tight. Honestly, I feel really bad, but I just haven't got it to give this year. They told me it doesnt matter, its not about the presents, and they're looking forward to the Christmas baking 😊

I still do feel like im letting them down, but im glad we spoke about it. Talk to your girls, im sure they will understand. I hope you all have a really lovely Christmas x

You're a real peach, you know that?

Her budget was $300 each, now it's $120 each, that's not loads of money. If her buget was stil $200 each I daresay she'd manage, based on the things she has listed.

She should tell them the unvarnished truth, see if she can get the presents later, and if not certainly not feel bad, but she sounds like a caring mother so that won't be so easy.

Klarna ?

Oh I do. I give many hours a week and it's highly skilled time due to my professional background. (And that's alongside living with chronic illness).

Its not boasting, it's just a fact. And it was designed to reassure op that £100 is a perfectly reasonable amount to spend on gifts. We don't need to fall for excessive consumption

And what a classless and unintelligent attempt at insulting me

It's like Afterpay I think.

£100 is plenty though.