My Partner | Mumsnet

Eveeythingoknotok · 2025-12-09T18:59:51+00:00

My Partner and I have been together 9 years, we don't live together his choice, I have 3 children, 2 still live at home, my youngest is 14years old. 2 nights ago, he left mine at 11.45pm,he lives 10mins away, I then rang at just gone midnight no answer, I then sent a text asking if he would possibly be able to bring an I phone charger as my daughters wasn't charging her phone, again no answer, so locked up and went to bed, at 2.15am he came in the house and upstairs to my daughters bedroom, had a go at her for being awake, so yesterday I said I didn't think it was appropriate for him to come at that time, he then gave me my keys back and told me I was treating him like a burglar and he should be able to come and go when he pleases. I have not heard off him today. My question is did I over react as I told him he misused his key and should not come at that time.

Sillysoggyspaniel · 09/12/2025 19:02

This whole set up is weird. He leaves at midnight and at that point you realise the phone wasn't charging? Why is she still up? Why did you ask him to come back? I don't think he's unreasonable to pop in at 2am when you keep such an odd schedule with a teenager who needs to get more sleep in order to function at school. You have bigger problems here.

BillieWiper · 09/12/2025 19:06

It's not clear whether you wanted him to come back that night with the charger? If so then he was presumably doing what you asked. Though obviously very late.

If nobody had been awake would he have woken you? He certainly shouldn't have gone in daughters room and had a go at her.

She's got more right to sit awake in her own bed than he does to burst into her personal space at silly o'clock. So that part isn't acceptable.

TheVengaBusIsComingMyBusPassIsForthcoming · 09/12/2025 19:06

Your boyfriend came into the house after 2am and went into your teenage daughters bedroom?

Absolutely not.

I have a boyfriend of 6 years, we don't live together either, and he would never dream of going into my children's bedrooms, let alone at that hour when they could be in any state.

Runrunrudolph · 09/12/2025 19:12

What ever else was going on with your partner OP him letting himself into your home and going straight to your teenage daughters bedroom.in the middle of the night is totally inappropriate. Extremely worrying behaviour.
Yes you did the right taking his key off him. You have to protect your children.

Original poster

Eveeythingoknotok · 09/12/2025 19:37

Sillysoggyspaniel · 09/12/2025 19:02

This whole set up is weird. He leaves at midnight and at that point you realise the phone wasn't charging? Why is she still up? Why did you ask him to come back? I don't think he's unreasonable to pop in at 2am when you keep such an odd schedule with a teenager who needs to get more sleep in order to function at school. You have bigger problems here.

She usually goes to bed at 10.30pm,realised her charger wasn't working and we hunted d the house, then we found one thought that was working but only worked on certain positions. Normally my partner goes home around 10pm but we stopped up later as wanted to catch up and watch I am a celebrity

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TheVengaBusIsComingMyBusPassIsForthcoming · 09/12/2025 19:50

Eveeythingoknotok · 09/12/2025 19:37

She usually goes to bed at 10.30pm,realised her charger wasn't working and we hunted d the house, then we found one thought that was working but only worked on certain positions. Normally my partner goes home around 10pm but we stopped up later as wanted to catch up and watch I am a celebrity

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What's your thoughts about him coming into your dds bedroom unannounced at that time of day?

Original poster

Eveeythingoknotok · 09/12/2025 20:37

BillieWiper · 09/12/2025 19:06

It's not clear whether you wanted him to come back that night with the charger? If so then he was presumably doing what you asked. Though obviously very late.

If nobody had been awake would he have woken you? He certainly shouldn't have gone in daughters room and had a go at her.

She's got more right to sit awake in her own bed than he does to burst into her personal space at silly o'clock. So that part isn't acceptable.

I did want him too like then when I rang and text, when he didn't answer either after 10 mins, I locked up and went to bed, told my daughter she would have to do without a phone, didn't think anymore about until my daughter came in my room at 2.20am to tell me my partner just had a go at her so now we are all awake. So I says to him last night I didn't think it was appropriate and a misuse of his key, he then told me I was treating him like a burglar and he should be able to come and go as he pleases, I said no you don't live here to which he then said he was shocked gave me the key back and not heard off him since

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Original poster

Eveeythingoknotok · 09/12/2025 20:42

TheVengaBusIsComingMyBusPassIsForthcoming · 09/12/2025 19:06

Your boyfriend came into the house after 2am and went into your teenage daughters bedroom?

Absolutely not.

I have a boyfriend of 6 years, we don't live together either, and he would never dream of going into my children's bedrooms, let alone at that hour when they could be in any state.

I just thought he shouldn't of done that, if he really wanted to bring a charger at that time in the morning he could ofbleft it on the side and just sent a text message or leave it till like a more suitable hour in the morning

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Pearlstillsinging · 09/12/2025 20:43

I wouldn't bother chasing him, tbh. His behaviour was appalling and if he does get in touch again, I certainly wouldn't let him have a key again.

Goodness knows what he was thinking going into your daughter's bedroom in the middle of the night! He should, at the very least, have woken you to give you the charger.

Original poster

Eveeythingoknotok · 09/12/2025 20:43

TheVengaBusIsComingMyBusPassIsForthcoming · 09/12/2025 19:06

Your boyfriend came into the house after 2am and went into your teenage daughters bedroom?

Absolutely not.

I have a boyfriend of 6 years, we don't live together either, and he would never dream of going into my children's bedrooms, let alone at that hour when they could be in any state.

I didn't take key off him he handed it back and then went home and got the other key he had for my door came back and gave me that too

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Original poster

Eveeythingoknotok · 09/12/2025 20:46

TheVengaBusIsComingMyBusPassIsForthcoming · 09/12/2025 19:50

What's your thoughts about him coming into your dds bedroom unannounced at that time of day?

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I didn't like it, he said he knocked but my daughter said he didn't he just walked straight in, I told him I don't think it was appropriate to do that, he then gave keys back told me I was out of order and he is shocked, I am treating him like a burglar, I didn't even hear him come in so feel guilty also as I supposed to protect my kids. Have not heard off him since

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Original poster

Eveeythingoknotok · 09/12/2025 20:50

Pearlstillsinging · 09/12/2025 20:43

I wouldn't bother chasing him, tbh. His behaviour was appalling and if he does get in touch again, I certainly wouldn't let him have a key again.

Goodness knows what he was thinking going into your daughter's bedroom in the middle of the night! He should, at the very least, have woken you to give you the charger.

I just didn't like it, now no contact, I have an older child in the house who is normally awake at that time so he could of messaged him, but he didn't even ring me back or message me just turned up 2 hours later.

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Nopersbro · 09/12/2025 20:50

If you asked him to do something and no longer wanted him to do it that night, you should have texted him again saying going to bed, never mind for now. However, he also should not have gone directly to your daughter's room; he should have either realised the household was asleep and either went home or let himself in quietly and left the charger in an obvious place in a common area of the house with a note or woken you up. And you weren't treating him like a burglar, you were treating him like a person lacking in common sense and an understanding of privacy and personal boundaries.

Is there a reason he NEEDS the keys to yours, or did you just exchange keys at some point because it felt like a logical step in the relationship? f he doesn't need them, maybe it's best he doesn't have them.

Original poster

Eveeythingoknotok · 09/12/2025 20:54

I didn't message back because he hadn't replied to the message I sent in the beginning, didn't actually think he would just come in at that time in the morning. We exchanged keys years ago to save him waiting to get into my house if I wasn't there and same for me to his. Yes

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BillieWiper · 09/12/2025 20:54

Eveeythingoknotok · 09/12/2025 20:37

I did want him too like then when I rang and text, when he didn't answer either after 10 mins, I locked up and went to bed, told my daughter she would have to do without a phone, didn't think anymore about until my daughter came in my room at 2.20am to tell me my partner just had a go at her so now we are all awake. So I says to him last night I didn't think it was appropriate and a misuse of his key, he then told me I was treating him like a burglar and he should be able to come and go as he pleases, I said no you don't live here to which he then said he was shocked gave me the key back and not heard off him since

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He shouldn't have had a go at her and she/him shouldn't have woken you. But I guess if he did just come to drop the charger round and then quietly left that would've been fine.

I think 'misuse of the key' is a bit strong. I'd just say it was too late and you woke us up which I don't appreciate.

Do you want to make up with him? Do you love him?

Original poster

Eveeythingoknotok · 09/12/2025 20:55

Nopersbro · 09/12/2025 20:50

If you asked him to do something and no longer wanted him to do it that night, you should have texted him again saying going to bed, never mind for now. However, he also should not have gone directly to your daughter's room; he should have either realised the household was asleep and either went home or let himself in quietly and left the charger in an obvious place in a common area of the house with a note or woken you up. And you weren't treating him like a burglar, you were treating him like a person lacking in common sense and an understanding of privacy and personal boundaries.

Is there a reason he NEEDS the keys to yours, or did you just exchange keys at some point because it felt like a logical step in the relationship? f he doesn't need them, maybe it's best he doesn't have them.

Yes privacy and boundaries. When I lock up I like to think we are secure for the night, being on my own

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TheVengaBusIsComingMyBusPassIsForthcoming · 09/12/2025 21:17

Eveeythingoknotok · 09/12/2025 20:46

I didn't like it, he said he knocked but my daughter said he didn't he just walked straight in, I told him I don't think it was appropriate to do that, he then gave keys back told me I was out of order and he is shocked, I am treating him like a burglar, I didn't even hear him come in so feel guilty also as I supposed to protect my kids. Have not heard off him since

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Why would you want to hear from him honestly?

You seem more concerned with the fact he handed the keys back and hasn't messaged you, than you do about a grown man entering a teenage girls bedroom at 2am unannounced.

NoSoupForU · 09/12/2025 21:21

But you asked him to bring a charger, gone midnight. I don't think that makes you best placed to judge appropriate time keeping really.

IndolentCat · 09/12/2025 21:27

My DP only ever goes into my daughter’s room with her express permission to do something like put a shelf up. And we live together!

Coming into your house in the middle of the night and then into your daughter’s room to scold her rather than into yours to let you know he had brought a charger round as asked, is so far from normal and ok that I’m really baffled that you aren’t sure. Unless he habitually manipulates you to make you doubt what’s normal or reasonable. He has now stropped off presumably hoping you will move this boundary for him. But I would be wondering whether he was on drugs with this caper, it’s really odd and disturbing.

PollyBell · 09/12/2025 21:30

Why on earth did you text him at the time of the night over a charger, why couldnt you or you daughter fix the issue the next day? why did he need to help with this?

ItsDarkNow · 09/12/2025 21:31

So you rang him and texted him at midnight asking him to bring over a charger?

FFSToEverythingSince2020 · 09/12/2025 21:36

Er… Am I the only one wondering what the hell your DP was doing between 12am and gone 2am?

momtoboys · 09/12/2025 21:41

I understand that Mumsnet thinks the worse possible scenario for every situation, but not everyone is a child molester. It doesn't sound as thought he sneaked into the house (used the key he was given) or the daughters bedroom (knocked and made a ruckus). Asking someone who is not your child's parent to turn around at midnight and bring your child a charger was asking a lot. Still he did it. I can understand your being annoyed but please don't jump on the bandwagon that now he is automatically going to be creeping into her room at night.

Original poster

Eveeythingoknotok · 09/12/2025 21:49

TheVengaBusIsComingMyBusPassIsForthcoming · 09/12/2025 21:17

Why would you want to hear from him honestly?

You seem more concerned with the fact he handed the keys back and hasn't messaged you, than you do about a grown man entering a teenage girls bedroom at 2am unannounced.

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I have been with him 9 years, I do trust him with my daughter but obviously she was shocked at him just going into her room at that time, when I say protect my kids I mean because I didn't hear him open the 2 gates I have or coming in the house and I felt guilty about that

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Original poster

Eveeythingoknotok · 09/12/2025 21:50

IndolentCat · 09/12/2025 21:27

My DP only ever goes into my daughter’s room with her express permission to do something like put a shelf up. And we live together!

Coming into your house in the middle of the night and then into your daughter’s room to scold her rather than into yours to let you know he had brought a charger round as asked, is so far from normal and ok that I’m really baffled that you aren’t sure. Unless he habitually manipulates you to make you doubt what’s normal or reasonable. He has now stropped off presumably hoping you will move this boundary for him. But I would be wondering whether he was on drugs with this caper, it’s really odd and disturbing.

I do always question myself as have had years of abuse previously

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