My Partner

[Eveeythingoknotok]

My Partner and I have been together 9 years, we don't live together his choice, I have 3 children, 2 still live at home, my youngest is 14years old. 2 nights ago, he left mine at 11.45pm,he lives 10mins away, I then rang at just gone midnight no answer, I then sent a text asking if he would possibly be able to bring an I phone charger as my daughters wasn't charging her phone, again no answer, so locked up and went to bed, at 2.15am he came in the house and upstairs to my daughters bedroom, had a go at her for being awake, so yesterday I said I didn't think it was appropriate for him to come at that time, he then gave me my keys back and told me I was treating him like a burglar and he should be able to come and go when he pleases. I have not heard off him today. My question is did I over react as I told him he misused his key and should not come at that time.

She was shocked

Exactly this. My DH who is my teenage DD’s biological dad would never walk into her room without knocking, regardless of the time of day or night.

OP, I find it really weird that he let himself into your house unannounced at 2am so quietly that it didn’t wake you up and then went straight to your DD14’s room. I also worry that the reason he got angry with her being awake is that he wanted and expected her to be asleep for very disturbing reasons.

You most certainly did not over-react. If anything you have under-reacted. Keep the keys and never speak to him again.

I am upset, how after 9 years of being together, he hasn't even tried to talk things over, like just to do it like this. He maybe in a mood mind and turn up tomorrow. I am not very good on my own, it's a scary thought as don't have anyone

right, so he came back to the house like you asked him to, bringing the charger, albeit later than you assumed he would.

He could hear your daughter talking from outside so knew full well she was awake inside, rang her (to tell her he'd bought the charger over) but she ignored his call/calls.. so he gave up and went to her room, knocked (he says) she didn't answer so he went in, gave her the charger and gave her some guff for not answering her phone and still being awake at that time in the morning.

Was she on her headphones? Who was she talking to at that time in the morning??

I'm really not sure I see what he has done that is so wrong, he did as he was asked, I'd be a bit pissed off too if I'd gone out my way in the middle of the night to bring someone to someone that they'd asked for, and knowing they were fully awake inside, they wouldn't even answer their phone, or their door to come and get it off me so as not wake everyone else up.

Sounds to have been all blown out of proportion, she obviously wasn't expecting him to be coming back, so was shocked to see him, but he assumed that she knew he was coming over to bring her the charger because you had asked him to do just that, and knowing she was still awake took it in to her.

He did do something bad to her.

@Eveeythingoknotok

YANBU!

He said 'we are a family so there was nothing wrong with him entering your DD's bedroom. Listen, my own father started knocking on my bedroom door when I began to 'develop'. He realized that a young person needs privacy, especially from the parent of the opposite sex.

Come and go as he pleases? Oh hell no!! He doesn't live there!! If he can't understand that having a key doesn't entitled one to 'come and go as he pleases' then he doesn't get that privilege!

IMHO, his overreaction is either a his way of trying to control you (and your family) or he has been wanting to break up and is too much of a coward to tell you so used this as the perfect opportunity to end things without a confrontation.

Yes it is the OPs fault but the blinkers are on and a man is more important but will anything come of it now and in the future? no of course not, unless the OP wakes up, and this is brutaly honest

He’s trying to turn it around on you. It’s your home, your kids’ home. It’s their safe haven as well as yours.
i can’t remember if you said it was his choice not to life together? I might have read that elsewhere but even so, he doesn’t have the right to do as he pleases in anyone’s home but his owns. That doesn’t include not respecting his own kids’ boundaries if he has kids.

Well youve buggered up there.

How do you mean

Yes I said that to him by not living here you can't just come and go a you please. He disagreed because we have been together for a long time. What does IMHO mean please

A man would never be more important than my kids

Well they are you are proving this

Your daughter was talking to someone, on the phone I assume, at 2 am.

Your 14 year old daughter.

You’ve said she uses headphones all the time so she was using them, yes?

How would she have heard him knocking?

Coming back with the charger 2 hours later is a bit weird as surely you would be asleep?
Going into your DDs room and having a go at her is completely out of order.

If you forgive this you are condoning him treating your dd this way which he obviously feels he has a right to do.

I’ve read your updates @Eveeythingoknotok and I suspect that you went from one abuser to another, who might have been more on the manipulation end of that scale than the overtly abusive end. But so much about what you’ve said, including the timescale of your relationship and you doing the freedom programme, that he makes you doubt yourself, the trouble you have with words, and that you have fibro, all make me think that you have spent your (adult, or maybe whole?) life in a state of chronic, toxic stress. That could lead to many of the symptoms you describe as well as a sense of needing to be looked after, having someone even if he isn’t very caring or reliable.

please consider being single. Just you and your kids in your home which can be a truly safe place and your nervous system can start to recover. You are stronger than you think and you don’t need these uncaring, manipulative men.

Calling someone after midnight to charge a phone is odd. The guy came back and you had a go at him. I'd advise him to stay away from all of you.

why are you giving creeps access to your kids at nights? They cant even sleep in their own bed at night without knowing if mothers creep bf comes into their room or not

No what you want him to do is be at your back and call and help you raise your kids (I mean you called this guy after midnight to bring a charger to your teen daughter) but he can only be EXACTLY when and where you say.

every supermarket sells chargers, and temu 1.50 a piece, you liferally had no chargers than just 2 faulty ones? Wierd

My husband is our daughter’s father. Neither he nor I would go into our teen daughter’s room in the middle of night without knocking and being sure she was awake before walking in and freaking her out.

Your partner’s behaviour was appalling. Even worse that he drinks at night like that.

You will have to cope without him. Put your daughter first.

Creepy that non related man walzes in even biologically related fathers would knock in that situation to make sure the young girl has time to pull blanket on if in undies etc. kids sleep in all sorts of positions and state of undress why did the op think ever to give some random guy a key to her childrens home and free acceas to their bedrooms

OP please ignore the inflammatory judgmental comments and focus on the supportive ones.

you sound vulnerable and in need of support. You will get that here, and you do not need this man in your life to cope.

Do any of you work or go to school/college?!
I'm baffled.

I hope he's gone for good