My Partner

[Eveeythingoknotok]

My Partner and I have been together 9 years, we don't live together his choice, I have 3 children, 2 still live at home, my youngest is 14years old. 2 nights ago, he left mine at 11.45pm,he lives 10mins away, I then rang at just gone midnight no answer, I then sent a text asking if he would possibly be able to bring an I phone charger as my daughters wasn't charging her phone, again no answer, so locked up and went to bed, at 2.15am he came in the house and upstairs to my daughters bedroom, had a go at her for being awake, so yesterday I said I didn't think it was appropriate for him to come at that time, he then gave me my keys back and told me I was treating him like a burglar and he should be able to come and go when he pleases. I have not heard off him today. My question is did I over react as I told him he misused his key and should not come at that time.

But you are staying with a man who:

a) refuses to live with you
b) although he refuses to live with you, also insists that he has a right to come into your home (and your teenage daughter's room) whenever he wants to
c) invades your child's privacy and shouts at her in the middle of the night, despite him not being her parent
d) refuses to let you talk about your feelings so you just 'stay quiet' instead of expressing yourself when you're upset
e) kicks off and blames you when you ask him to observe a very basic boundary.

Do you really think you're putting your children first? Genuinely? I don't think you are. I think you're just scared to be on your own and I also think you don't actually understand what a healthy relationship is. You sound very vulnerable and I honestly find this thread quite disturbing because you don't really seem able to see all the things that are seriously wrong here.

I'm also wondering how you expect you daughter to manage at school - especially during her exams - when she's up until the early hours on her phone. You need to set some boundaries for her as well.

@Eveeythingoknotok

What does IMHO mean please

"In my humble opinion"

So at this point what are you going to do? Honestly, I think you need to be grateful that he's shown his true colours. Or possibly, you've finally seen his true colours.

The fact that the relationship has lasted 9 years doesn't mean shit. People have stayed in abusive and/or manipulative relationships for 10/20/30 years before their eyes get opened. Count your blessings that it's 'only' been 9 and do NOT contact this man. Or if he contacts you tell him it's over.

I think perhaps you need to take a cold hard look at this relationship, perhaps with a counselor. You've been in an abusive relationship before. It may be that you need help to break that cycle.

OK I should of said she needs headphones when she goes out, and yes she should not have been talking on the phone, obviously now that's another issue

He didn't think he did anything wrong at all, and now silence from him. Didn't finish talking about it as he left. Didn't even try to see it from my point of view

I have read and reread this and I have got upset, I think you maybe right about everything you have said.

Thank you for this, yes some comments are upsetting,like he is not just some random man, I have been with him a long time. Thank you for being supportive

Maybe I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like, some people on here though have said I am in the wrong, this is why I asked on here as I always question myself on what I said and how I said it, but I have done that since I was a child. I feel so messed up.

Thank you, yes I think I do need therapy, someone on here has said I can do it online which I am going to look into. I will be on my own from now on I think it's safer that way.

I am scared to be totally on my own as I have no one but I done it before all be it when children were smaller. So I will do it again.

Your house seems a bit chaotic. Is your daughter just 14 and she was still up at midnight and talking on her phone at 2 am? She needs a proper bedtime and to leave her phone downstairs overnight.

Phoning your boyfriend to come back at midnight with a charger was odd. But him waiting two hours to then enter unannounced was nuts. Nobody would think that was acceptable. Why was he still up at that hour? Does he not work?

I'd get rid of him.

Better to be on your own than with a man who has no respect for your or your children’s boundaries.

Even if this was all just a careless mistake and he was actually trying to be helpful, he should be apologising. Not trying to make out that you or your DD are in the wrong.

I don't think its ever appropriate to go barging into a teens bedroom to scold them at 2am. Massive invasion of privacy and inappropriate to wake them over such a trivial thing.
The fact that this was done by an unrelated person of the opposite sex, who your DD didn't even know was in the house, crosses a lot of boundaries.
If i were you I'd take advantage of him handing back his key in temper, as he clearly can't be trusted with the privilege.
I'm not going to comment on your set up in general. If it works for you, that's your business. But boundary setting where your DC are concerned is important.

Hi OP - just to clarify as I’m one of the posters who said you were wrong to text him asking for a charger at midnight. Yes I think that wasn’t the right thing to do, but him coming into your house at 2am (drunk), phoning your daughter, getting annoyed when she didn’t answer, and then entering her bedroom at 2am is a THOUSAND times worse than what you did. He is utterly and totally in the wrong and shouldn’t be trusted.

Same here. I lurched from one problem relationship to another (including friendships) because I didn’t know how to be boundaried. I didn’t know I was allowed boundaries or even who I was, really. If it’s since childhood it’s probably a result of some aspect of the way you were parented, but it’s not your fault.

I do hope you find a way to be you, yourself. You don’t need anyone else. Therapy could help, I found parts work really useful. There’s a group on Facebook, search for Internal Family Systems.

Absolutely fine for you to message, it wasnt a demand, I have no idea why posters are going on about that.

youre well rid. Hes massively overreacted so I wouldnt be surprised if he has been waiting for an excuse to end it.

He is beyond unreasonable to just walk into your DDs room, id be absolutely furious at him for that alone never mind creeping around your home uninvited.

I do seriously question the motives of a man who just barges into a young female teen's bedroom. Not necessarily anything more sinister than "ill go where I want", but its not even his home. I know you say you have no concerns, but perhaps thats now changed. It would for me.

In hindsight I should not of asked him, yes I am having issues with my daughter regarding school so will need to do something about that. But was so shocked that he came at that time and he very rarely goes upstairs at anytime

Odd? There's nothing odd about it, juat because it's less common.

Thank You, if he had said yeah that was an error of judgement on his behalf, we could of talked it through but it's all my fault for over reacting, now looks like we have split up as no contact since but we can't move forward from this now as he believes he has done nothing wrong and I won't say I was over reacting when I really don't think I was.

Thank you so much for replying again. This is helpful for my head.

Thank you for replying again it has been helpful for my head

Thank you so much, I have read and reread this. I still don't think I have seen him at his worst if you know what I mean. But no can't take him back unless he says he gets why I reacted like he did as otherwise he will think it's still OK to do what he did and then do it again. Yes I will look into therapy.

Thank you, I will a have a look at that

It's concerned me that he doesn't think he did anything wrong and even after 2 days he still thinks this way otherwise he would of been in contact. I am hoping he just stays away now