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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Partner

148 replies

Eveeythingoknotok · 09/12/2025 18:59

My Partner and I have been together 9 years, we don't live together his choice, I have 3 children, 2 still live at home, my youngest is 14years old. 2 nights ago, he left mine at 11.45pm,he lives 10mins away, I then rang at just gone midnight no answer, I then sent a text asking if he would possibly be able to bring an I phone charger as my daughters wasn't charging her phone, again no answer, so locked up and went to bed, at 2.15am he came in the house and upstairs to my daughters bedroom, had a go at her for being awake, so yesterday I said I didn't think it was appropriate for him to come at that time, he then gave me my keys back and told me I was treating him like a burglar and he should be able to come and go when he pleases. I have not heard off him today. My question is did I over react as I told him he misused his key and should not come at that time.

OP posts:
Frazzledmummy123 · 09/12/2025 23:31

If he reappears, a few questions need answered before anything else:

  1. (Most important) WHY did he think it was okay to walk into your daughter's bedroom at that time without knocking? Surely he must have known it was inappropriate, even if intentions weren't anything untoward?

  2. Had he been under the influence of anything? (2 hours absent since message sent and to do something so wildly inappropriate suggests a lapse in judgement).

  3. Why was he angry at your daughter? Because she was still up on a school night? (The only plausible answer, though he shouldn't have shouted at her)

  4. Where was he between the hours of midnight and 2am? (Odd that 2 hours lapsed between the message and him appearing).

  5. What's with his overreaction? After 9 years, over one incident, he gives you the keys back and disappears? More to it than that.

He is the one in the wrong here, and everything about it sounds weird. Personally, I'd be rethinking the relationship as he should be the one worrying about why he's not heard from you, not the other way around.

SqishySqashmas · 09/12/2025 23:34

This is really weird OP. My concern would be that he could have been planning to do something to her while she was asleep. Even if he has a key, you were all asleep so he should have just put it through the letter box.

Original poster
Eveeythingoknotok · 09/12/2025 23:36

TheVengaBusIsComingMyBusPassIsForthcoming · 09/12/2025 23:08

Please do it again.

Me and my daughters go over it every year or so and its been invaluable to us.

Show quote history

I didn't know you could do it again, I went to the doctors recently, crying my heart out, it took me 18months to book that appointment and absolutely no help. So it's good to know I can do it again, once I get the courage maybe. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Eveeythingoknotok · 09/12/2025 23:39

Frazzledmummy123 · 09/12/2025 23:31

If he reappears, a few questions need answered before anything else:

  1. (Most important) WHY did he think it was okay to walk into your daughter's bedroom at that time without knocking? Surely he must have known it was inappropriate, even if intentions weren't anything untoward?

  2. Had he been under the influence of anything? (2 hours absent since message sent and to do something so wildly inappropriate suggests a lapse in judgement).

  3. Why was he angry at your daughter? Because she was still up on a school night? (The only plausible answer, though he shouldn't have shouted at her)

  4. Where was he between the hours of midnight and 2am? (Odd that 2 hours lapsed between the message and him appearing).

  5. What's with his overreaction? After 9 years, over one incident, he gives you the keys back and disappears? More to it than that.

He is the one in the wrong here, and everything about it sounds weird. Personally, I'd be rethinking the relationship as he should be the one worrying about why he's not heard from you, not the other way around.

Edited

Thank you so much for this, I struggle to say what I am thinking or feeling, how to actually put into words so people understand me, I think I talk a little bit weird.

OP posts:
TheVengaBusIsComingMyBusPassIsForthcoming · 09/12/2025 23:41

Eveeythingoknotok · 09/12/2025 23:36

I didn't know you could do it again, I went to the doctors recently, crying my heart out, it took me 18months to book that appointment and absolutely no help. So it's good to know I can do it again, once I get the courage maybe. Thank you

Show quote history

You can do it online, and then you have access to it forever, it cost £12 when I bought it, so I can't imagine it's much more now.

Original poster
Eveeythingoknotok · 09/12/2025 23:42

Sorry I also meant to say, I will if he does come back, ask these questions exactly as you have put them so it's worded properly so Thank you so much for this, I have been worrying all day what I was going to say to him, but he didn't show anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eveeythingoknotok · 09/12/2025 23:44

TheVengaBusIsComingMyBusPassIsForthcoming · 09/12/2025 23:41

You can do it online, and then you have access to it forever, it cost £12 when I bought it, so I can't imagine it's much more now.

Show quote history

Oh wow, Thank you so much

OP posts:
sandyhappypeople · 09/12/2025 23:45

Eveeythingoknotok · 09/12/2025 23:26

It was an issue he went into my daughters room at gone 2am and had a go at her, he did not knock the door before he went in her room. I believe he was out of order, he would of known I would not of wanted him to come also as he had a drink, he says only 1,but he drinks a couple every night before he goes to bed, so when he didn't answer me, I was not expecting him to come at that time. My daughters room, I usually knock as I think it's just respectful,but to do that at 2.20am would of shocked her so much to see him in her room let alone at that time, he says because he has a key, he can come and go as he pleases, I don't think this is acceptable either as when I lock up, that's me off to bed, I am the person who is supposed to protect my kids but I didn't hear my 2 gates go or him coming up the stairs so I was also angry with myself for not hearing someone in my house, not that I am saying they need protecting from him, I am saying, I now don't trust myself to protect my kids if anyone did get in the house, it's all on me, my responsibility and now I feel shit as a mum. I don't seem to explain things very well, my head is like 100miles a hour.

Show quote history

I think you should talk to your daughter again about what was actually said.. you keep saying he 'had a go at her', but what does that mean exactly? Did he say 'you should be asleep' etc.

If he got the message after he knew you would be asleep, then he may have thought he was doing you all a favour by sneaking in, plugging in her device and sneaking out again, thinking you would all be asleep so none the wiser, and she would have what she needed in the morning, in hindsight it was a bad judgement call, but if he genuinely thought she would be sound asleep (as she should have been surely!) it may have made sense at the time to do that rather than risk waking everyone up.

Only you know him OP and what his actual intentions were, were they helpful (although misguided) or was he up to no good? It sounds like the whole thing has been blown out of proportion IMO.

Catsbooks345 · 09/12/2025 23:47

I'm confused about him having a go at her because she was awake. Did he want to creep in with charger , leave it then go home. I can't see why her being awake is such a problem. The whole thing is so odd.

Redruby2020 · 09/12/2025 23:48

Runrunrudolph · 09/12/2025 19:12

What ever else was going on with your partner OP him letting himself into your home and going straight to your teenage daughters bedroom.in the middle of the night is totally inappropriate. Extremely worrying behaviour.
Yes you did the right taking his key off him. You have to protect your children.

Edited

He gave the keys back, OP didn’t take them off of him.

Redruby2020 · 09/12/2025 23:50

Eveeythingoknotok · 09/12/2025 20:37

I did want him too like then when I rang and text, when he didn't answer either after 10 mins, I locked up and went to bed, told my daughter she would have to do without a phone, didn't think anymore about until my daughter came in my room at 2.20am to tell me my partner just had a go at her so now we are all awake. So I says to him last night I didn't think it was appropriate and a misuse of his key, he then told me I was treating him like a burglar and he should be able to come and go as he pleases, I said no you don't live here to which he then said he was shocked gave me the key back and not heard off him since

Show quote history

What is it with these men who don’t live in the place but have a key 🤔 they don’t want to live with the woman, but then want to be able to come and go as they please!

PollyBell · 09/12/2025 23:52

Redruby2020 · 09/12/2025 23:50

What is it with these men who don’t live in the place but have a key 🤔 they don’t want to live with the woman, but then want to be able to come and go as they please!

Show quote history

They do it because women put men before their children, and as long as they get attention that is all that matters

Original poster
Eveeythingoknotok · 09/12/2025 23:52

sandyhappypeople · 09/12/2025 23:45

I think you should talk to your daughter again about what was actually said.. you keep saying he 'had a go at her', but what does that mean exactly? Did he say 'you should be asleep' etc.

If he got the message after he knew you would be asleep, then he may have thought he was doing you all a favour by sneaking in, plugging in her device and sneaking out again, thinking you would all be asleep so none the wiser, and she would have what she needed in the morning, in hindsight it was a bad judgement call, but if he genuinely thought she would be sound asleep (as she should have been surely!) it may have made sense at the time to do that rather than risk waking everyone up.

Only you know him OP and what his actual intentions were, were they helpful (although misguided) or was he up to no good? It sounds like the whole thing has been blown out of proportion IMO.

Show quote history

He would know not to try and navigate her room in the dark it's typically a teenagers bedroom, stuff everywhere

OP posts:
Original poster
Eveeythingoknotok · 09/12/2025 23:54

SqishySqashmas · 09/12/2025 23:34

This is really weird OP. My concern would be that he could have been planning to do something to her while she was asleep. Even if he has a key, you were all asleep so he should have just put it through the letter box.

He wouldn't do anything bad to her.

OP posts:
sandyhappypeople · 09/12/2025 23:55

Eveeythingoknotok · 09/12/2025 23:52

He would know not to try and navigate her room in the dark it's typically a teenagers bedroom, stuff everywhere

Show quote history

So why do you think he went in there?

What do YOU think actually happened.

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 09/12/2025 23:56

What did he shout at your daughter about? I don’t think that’s been covered in your responses

Original poster
Eveeythingoknotok · 09/12/2025 23:58

Redruby2020 · 09/12/2025 23:50

What is it with these men who don’t live in the place but have a key 🤔 they don’t want to live with the woman, but then want to be able to come and go as they please!

Show quote history

He chose not to live with us, I did want to for a lojng time, I wanted to be like a proper family, but my feelings have changed now and wouldn't want him moving in with us now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eveeythingoknotok · 10/12/2025 00:02

sandyhappypeople · 09/12/2025 23:55

So why do you think he went in there?

What do YOU think actually happened.

Show quote history

He said he knew she was awake as he heard you talking when he was outside, he rang h we r and she didn't answer, she should of been sleeping, obviously she didn't know he was outside, so he went in without knocking and had a go at her for being awake and not answering her phone

OP posts:
BauhausOfEliott · 10/12/2025 00:02

Laura95167 · 09/12/2025 21:56

I think YABU mainly because your odd schedule.

Dd age 14 usually goes to bed at 10.30, but somehow realised at midnight her charger isnt working. Which at midnight id tell her to live without

You texted and rang BF giving him the impression its urgent so 2am he comes back and realises your DD is still up, gives her the charger and tells her to go to sleep. Sounds reasonable given your odd hours and request.

Although I wouldnt want him coming to mine at 2am, I wouldnt have rang him and asked him to do me a favour at midnight.

Well, no, it doesn’t sound reasonable because he a) walked into a teenage girl’s bedroom and b) had a go at her when he isn’t her parent and doesn’t live with her.

I agree that the OP was being odd to want him to bring a charger over in the middle of the night, but that doesn’t excuse him walking into her child’s room in the early hours of the morning and telling her off.

BauhausOfEliott · 10/12/2025 00:03

Eveeythingoknotok · 09/12/2025 23:54

He wouldn't do anything bad to her.

Show quote history

You don’t know that.

Original poster
Eveeythingoknotok · 10/12/2025 00:04

I was in the middle of talking when he just gave me the key back, he ended the talk as he went home, then he came back 10mins later with my other key and not heard anything since

OP posts:
Original poster
Eveeythingoknotok · 10/12/2025 00:06

Because she was awake and didn't answer her phone

OP posts:
Original poster
Eveeythingoknotok · 10/12/2025 00:08

I do trust him in that regard

OP posts:
Catsbooks345 · 10/12/2025 00:09

Eveeythingoknotok · 10/12/2025 00:02

He said he knew she was awake as he heard you talking when he was outside, he rang h we r and she didn't answer, she should of been sleeping, obviously she didn't know he was outside, so he went in without knocking and had a go at her for being awake and not answering her phone

Show quote history

Who does he think he is? He doesn't live there so why does he think he can just walk in in the middle of the night and have a go ?!

Catsbooks345 · 10/12/2025 00:10

Eveeythingoknotok · 10/12/2025 00:04

I was in the middle of talking when he just gave me the key back, he ended the talk as he went home, then he came back 10mins later with my other key and not heard anything since

I think you're well rid actually. None of this is your fault. You're better off without this stroppy man baby .