My Partner

[Eveeythingoknotok]

My Partner and I have been together 9 years, we don't live together his choice, I have 3 children, 2 still live at home, my youngest is 14years old. 2 nights ago, he left mine at 11.45pm,he lives 10mins away, I then rang at just gone midnight no answer, I then sent a text asking if he would possibly be able to bring an I phone charger as my daughters wasn't charging her phone, again no answer, so locked up and went to bed, at 2.15am he came in the house and upstairs to my daughters bedroom, had a go at her for being awake, so yesterday I said I didn't think it was appropriate for him to come at that time, he then gave me my keys back and told me I was treating him like a burglar and he should be able to come and go when he pleases. I have not heard off him today. My question is did I over react as I told him he misused his key and should not come at that time.

Every stage of this story is bizarre. Texting him when he’s gone home for the night to come back with a charger is odd and disrespectful. Him bringing one around at 2am even more so. And entering your daughter’s bedroom is totally unacceptable. Both of you lack healthy boundaries.

No, this is all sorts of wrong.
Who thinks letting himself in to your house in the darkness at 2pm when he presumably thought you were all asleep is okay?
Then actually going upstairs and going in your teenage daughters bedroom!! I'm actually shocked anyone thinks this is normal acceptable behaviour by a grown man!
And being annoyed she was still awake and scolding her is even more bizarre... did he expect to creep in a sleeping teenage girls bedroom in the middle of the night? How utterly creepy.
And yes, him gaslighting you about treating him like a burgler and giving your keys back and ignoring you now is to punish you for having boundaries.
I would happily let him keep ignoring me tbh.
And when he comes round from sulking do not give him your house keys back. That's your Daughters private space he let himself into, she may not feel okay with him having the keys now.
And what WAS he doing from 12am to 2am?

I did as he left later than normal, he left at 11.45pm so he would of not long got home, thinking he could come back then. My daughter won't go anywhere without headphones. But when he didn't reply, I thought nothing more of it, certainly didn't expect him to come 2 hours later at gone 2am and go into my daughters room and have a go at her. He could of woke me up or talked to my eldest or even just leave charger downstairs and messaged or just not bothered u till the next day

I didn't say he was a paedophile.

I said that a man walking into a teenage girls bedroom at 2am, without knocking, according to the dd, is absolutely inappropriate.

She could have been doing anything in any state of undress, and he thinks its appropriate to walk into her room unannounced in the middle of the night?

He literally did creep into her room in the middle of the night, and then he shouted at her in her own home and bedroom.

I think YABU mainly because your odd schedule.

Dd age 14 usually goes to bed at 10.30, but somehow realised at midnight her charger isnt working. Which at midnight id tell her to live without

You texted and rang BF giving him the impression its urgent so 2am he comes back and realises your DD is still up, gives her the charger and tells her to go to sleep. Sounds reasonable given your odd hours and request.

Although I wouldnt want him coming to mine at 2am, I wouldnt have rang him and asked him to do me a favour at midnight.

He doesn't usually go to bed till around 1am so I thought it would be okay to ask. When he didn't reply, I just locked up and went to bed, did not expect him coming in at gone 2am

Get rid of him. It’s weird going into a teenage girls bedroom. P..vert?

I’m not in a relationship but there’s no way anyone I’ve been with would feel comfortable going into my child’s room like that at any time let alone the middle of the night, except their dad and likely only in an emergency if at night and especially not to have a go at them.
it would be the first and last time he did it .
change the locks. Apologise to your kids and promise them that they’re safe and that he’s gone and that the locks have changed. Also suggest getting a ring doorbell just in case he does try and get back in at anytime

Well he obviously didn’t think it was ok to ask given he stormed into your daughter’s bedroom at 2am. You all need to develop better boundaries, more empathy, and go to bed at a decent time.

He is not your partner he's your shag/usual plus one.

Yes, thank you, you said it so much better than me, I just felt so angry that he did that and now I have been questioning myself all day if I have over reacted. Yes I did text him 15mins after he left but did not think for a second he would come over at gone 2am.

Even if he’s not a perve it’s incredibly inappropriate.
I grew up in a very unsafe environment where this sort of stuff was the norm and those kind of men scared the bejesus out of me and looking back now I think they enjoyed my discomfort.
Your teenage child would have no idea at that time if he had ulterior motives or not @Eveeythingoknotok and it would have been unsettling at the least.

Yes this is what happened, my daughter says he did not knock. He just went straight in

So the answer to your question is that you haven't over reacted at all, you've massively under reacted.

What are you going to do about this man who finds it appropriate to let himself into your daughters bedroom unannounced in the middle of the night?

How's your daughter doing today?

He normally leaves around 10pm but we wanted to catch up on I am a celebrity and the final, so he left not long before midnight. My daughter is usually in bed for 10.30/11pm, we found a charger here but she didn't relise it wasn't working properly until she went to the toilet, as he only just left, I thought it would be OK to ask him thinking he would of just got home. He did not reply to me so we all went to bed, didn't think he would then come 2 hours later

He could of just text me back and said no

My daughter is ok, she had an English exam today which she says didn't go well, but she really didn't like that he just went in her room at that time

But you and your daughter could have fixed the issue the next day, you are both capable of sorting this yourselves

Yes he could. But he didn’t because he lacks empathy and healthy boundaries. He’s not a safe person to keep around you and your children.

I said to him it was inappropriate he says he has been a part of this family for 9 years and should be able to come and go whenever he wants too.

I understand that. But it is a school night, you didnt say to DD, its almost midnight thats a tomorrow problem.

And once he realised you needed it he brought it. You didnt retext and say dont worry im off to bed, he saw and he came to be helpful. Irritating, because he woke you up but he was only trying to help because you text and rang late. Granted not as late as he came back.

Most people wouldnt do that to try and help your daughter, hence I think you're unreasonable if you asked him to come back with a charger and he did.

He thinks because you've dated him for 9 years he's entitled to walk into your daughters bedroom whenever he wants to?

Op I know you've suffered abuse before. What support have you had with that? Have you had help from WA or have you done the freedom programme or had counselling.

Yes we could of and wish now that I didn't ask him,

Does he consider that coming and going whenever he wants includes walking into your teenage daughter’s bedroom at night? That’s appalling.

He let himself in to a teenage girls bedroom at 2 am in the morning!
Dear God have you completely missed the massive problem here?
It's not about the right and wrongs of asking him to bring a bloody charger!
It's the fact he entered her Daughters bedroom at 2am in the morning, unannounced, didn't even knock.
She must have been terrified.