My Partner

[Eveeythingoknotok]

My Partner and I have been together 9 years, we don't live together his choice, I have 3 children, 2 still live at home, my youngest is 14years old. 2 nights ago, he left mine at 11.45pm,he lives 10mins away, I then rang at just gone midnight no answer, I then sent a text asking if he would possibly be able to bring an I phone charger as my daughters wasn't charging her phone, again no answer, so locked up and went to bed, at 2.15am he came in the house and upstairs to my daughters bedroom, had a go at her for being awake, so yesterday I said I didn't think it was appropriate for him to come at that time, he then gave me my keys back and told me I was treating him like a burglar and he should be able to come and go when he pleases. I have not heard off him today. My question is did I over react as I told him he misused his key and should not come at that time.

I did the freedom program and had therapy but as the father of my children was still in my life up I till 18months ago, I was still getting abuse from him and him trying to turn kids against me but he has a new family now and has disowned his kids so now I don't see him, he still occasionally messages my daughter to slag me off but she knows he is a liar.

Thank you.

Was your daughter awake with the light on that he could have seen, although he should still have knocked! I knock on my daughter’s door and she does me! That was very wrong of him and I’d be very pissed off, even if he has been in her life since she was five it does not give him the right to walk straight into her room.

I don’t get the issue either your texting that some people have, the timings mean he had just walked in the door and lives very close by so not unreasonable to ask for help, although I would have text to say don’t worry you’ll sort it tomorrow.

Gee, woken in the middle of the night by her mother’s boyfriend creeping into her room. No wonder she didn’t fare well at school.

unbelievable.

I think the abuse has eroded your boundries to a point where you can't see what's right or wrong anymore.

I'm not saying it to insult you, I've been there, I got out of my abusive marriage a long time ago, and it wasn't until I was fully out of the situation that I looked back and saw how worn down I was, and the amount of crap I put up with. When I was in it, it didn't seem so bad.

I think that's kind of where you're at right now.

What he did is really bad. And he's done the classic DARVO as well.

This adult man came into your home, entered your daughters bedroom unannounced, and then shouted at her. - this is not normal or healthy, and you need to protect your daughter.

He came in and went upstairs and she was awake.

I understand the implications youre making. But OPs DD didnt say she woke up and he was there, creeping in her room. He came round as he was asked (granted i think it was worth waiting till morning) and told OPs DD she shouldn't still be up. Which imo was true when at midnight she needed a charger despite it being 90mins past bedtime.

He came upstairs to DDs room. Not necessarily in it, and may have left it outside the room had she not been awake. So he told her you should be asleep

OP didnt say it was an issue he was in DDs room, but that hed let himself in so late. But then I agree with him, he was asked to go round - she text and called so seems important, and she gave him a key. People with keys generally dont knock. I agree with him as a DP hes trusted or hes not, hes welcome or hes not. And if hes not trusted and only welcome by invitation its best he doesnt have a key. And I think its fine if as a mother you think incidents like that would impact your trust and take the key too.

I didn't like it, he said he knocked but my daughter said he didn't he just walked straight in

He did walk into her room without knocking.

I'm really not sure why you're defending this man's behaviour here.

Would you have liked an unrelated man walking into your room at that hour when you were a teenager?

What is DARVO, I do have problems with knowing if my feelings/reaction are warrented. I usually just stay quiet as he doesn't like talking about feelings but because it was 2 hours after I asked and because he just went in her room I was really angry and had to say something as didn't want him to do that again but he just gave me my key, went home and then came back with my other key, told me he was shocked by my reaction and now have not heard off him at all today, just think it's odd behaviour after 9 years of being together

Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.

So he denied any wrongdoing, then told you that you were treating him as though he was a burglar, gave you your key back, and is acting as though you've done something wrong.

He is deliberately making himself out to be the victim, even though the victim here was your dd.

Many men would be well aware not to enter a teenage girls room at 2am. Many biological fathers wouldn’t do that never mind unrelated men. It doesn’t mean he had bad intentions but it does mean he’s seriously overstepped a major boundary that I am shocked he wouldn’t know was inappropriate at least. He cannot be that clueless. The best thing to do would’ve been to leave the charger outside her room and knock before leaving.

He doesn’t like your reaction because ultimately you’ve called him out on some very bad behaviour. He knows exactly how it looks and he also knows that anyone with two brain cells wouldn’t do that. So he’s distancing himself straight away out of fear, embarrassment or being angry he was called out (or a mix of all 3). Remember what you said to him was right but also serious.

Yes he says he didn't do anything wrong and I have had a massive over reaction, I said I think it was inappropriate, he also said he knocked on daughters door but she is adamant he didn't. But now I am questioning myself over and over but I just didn't like it. Now he didn't ring tonight to see if I needed anything to be picked up or he hasn't come over, not heard anything from him at all, after 9 years of being together do you think this is odd, just to give keys back and not even talked about it properly, seems to end like this is so upsetting

Thank you for explaining DARVO to me. I did freedom project in 2013 so a long time now and have had a couple of breakdowns in that time.

You should be the one ending things, not getting upset because he has.

Your dd deserves better.

Please do it again.

Me and my daughters go over it every year or so and its been invaluable to us.

I do get what you are saying. I do worry how I will cope on my own as I have fibromyalgia and other issues

Unless there is other red flags in the relationship/boundaries, I would assume he went in her room thinking she would be sound asleep so he could plug her phone in for her and leave without waking everyone up?

He obviously didn't get the message straight away so maybe thought it better to creep in instead, obviously not expecting her to be wide awake still.

What did he say about her still being up, she said he 'had a go at her' but does that mean he expressed annoyance that she was still awake at that time when she has school tomorrow, or did he go in there shouting etc??

Everyone jumping to him being a pervert seems a bit harsh, and you being annoyed at him for doing what you asked him to seems a bit extreme, going in her room could have been a bad judgement call on his part, but only you know him OP and know if what he did was innocent, or are there are other red flags that may point to something more sinister?

I would presume he knew daughter needed the charger so went to her room to deliver it, seen she was awake and said you should really be asleep & that is all. I think your language 'misuse of the key' is odd. I'm also not surprised your partner of 9 years who presumably has known your daughter since she was a young child is hurt at your behaviour & accusations towards him. Either way this is not a good relationship- daughter says she is uncomfortable with him, you dont want him using his key. Something isn't right & maybe it's in everyone's best interest for this relationship to end. Regardless, he was actually doing you a favour bringing a spare charger which nobody seems to appreciate.

You will cope, because you have to. Again, I've been there and I know it's not easy, but your kids are all older so you're not totally alone.

You can't let this man do this to your dd, and then make you feel like shit about sticking up for her and simply swan back into your life and home, and, more importantly your daughters life and home.

How often do you let yourself in at his house? In fact how often do you go there?

he walked into your daughter‘s room after 2am to punish you both for asking him for the charger.

why is he now lying about walking straight in?

but also, why are your children awake at that time?

This was also my take.

You asked him to bring the charger, that night, not the next morning. You also mention your daughter goes nowhere without headphones, I assume he knows how essential charging is to her.

He did what you asked, and giving him the benefit of the doubt, thought he’d go quietly into her room and connect the charger.

Instead her found her awake when she shouldn’t have been, and she’s being defensive to deflect from her own transgressions by claiming he shouted at her etc.

If you trust him and he is in fact part of the family, you probably owe him an apology.

If you don’t, it’s better you keep the key and end the relationship.

It was an issue he went into my daughters room at gone 2am and had a go at her, he did not knock the door before he went in her room. I believe he was out of order, he would of known I would not of wanted him to come also as he had a drink, he says only 1,but he drinks a couple every night before he goes to bed, so when he didn't answer me, I was not expecting him to come at that time. My daughters room, I usually knock as I think it's just respectful,but to do that at 2.20am would of shocked her so much to see him in her room let alone at that time, he says because he has a key, he can come and go as he pleases, I don't think this is acceptable either as when I lock up, that's me off to bed, I am the person who is supposed to protect my kids but I didn't hear my 2 gates go or him coming up the stairs so I was also angry with myself for not hearing someone in my house, not that I am saying they need protecting from him, I am saying, I now don't trust myself to protect my kids if anyone did get in the house, it's all on me, my responsibility and now I feel shit as a mum. I don't seem to explain things very well, my head is like 100miles a hour.

eww.. he creeps into your home at that hour of the night and went into your daughter's bedroom??? REALLY??? no thanks that would give me the creeps

having a man you dont trust around your children is not the answer, and I cant beleive you need to be told this, if this true stop dating

I know he wouldn't do anything bad to her, it's just it was gone 2am,he didn't even knock before going in, he never goes in her room, she would of been shocked he was there and then he had a go at her