To do a present-free Christmas for my daughter?

[JoannaTheYodelingCowgirl]

My youngest child, D7 (Id say DD but the way im feeling right now theres nothing dear about her), she has given me nothing but hell the past couple of years.

She had fallen in with a bad crowd of lads and been excluded from school several times for fighting, swearing, refusing to follow instructions, vandalising another childs property... Ive come down like a ton of bricks with her but D just doesnt see the serious side of it at all

After talks with the school in the summer it was obvious that D shouldnt be returning in september, now shes receiving alternative provision that involves tutoring at home while on the camhs waiting list

Shes no longer seeing those nasty old friends, and i thought things would finally calm down but if anything they got worse. Shes been so angry and spiteful, hitting me, attacking her older sisters, refusing to do her work. She had a tantrum yesterday that resulted in her grabbing hold of some of my christmas ornaments from the hearth throwing them and breaking them. I absolutely lost it with her, but its like screaming at a brick. No remorse, nothing. D has been given consequence after consequence but nothing seems to be working she just doesnt care, and ive just about had enough.

So once the kids were in bed i was in tears with DH i just didnt know what to do with her anymore. but he suggested she needed a shock to the system, so we agreed shes not going to get anything for christmas this year.

Mums coming over this weekend with presents but i rang her and explained the situation on the phone and i asked her to keep hold of D's presents for being naughty. But mum told me i was being unfair, and that it would not stop her misbehaving but only make things worse.

Ive spent an absolute fortune on D7 alone (nerf gun, football boots, lego cars and star wars) but it makes me feel sick the thought of giving her these things when shes been completely diabolical, she has no respect for my things why should i treat her to things she wants on christmas morning. Ive kept the receipts for everything of course so its not too late to take them back to the shops. My mum bless her is a softie with the kids but her voice is echoing over and over that it'll only make things worse but i just don't know what to do.

WIBU to give my daughter no christmas presents as a wakeup call?

I wouldn't do that. I'd leave a warning note from Santa.
I feel for you.

I think at 7 she’s old enough to play Minecraft and that might act as virtual Lego the way it did with my son.

But yes, she needs assessing for neurodivergence. Think of the acting out as a form of communication. Keep a notebook handy of what she’s doing during the day and look for patterns in what kicks her off so you can learn to redirect her or head issues off at the pass.

It’s unlikely she’s ’misbehaving’ for the sake of it, so just lobbing punishments around isn’t going to help.

How about sport climbing if you're within sensible distance of an indoor wall? Strength and agility sport that uses your entire body and requires absolute focus and concentration. It's brilliant for completely clearing your mind. Loads of boys do it. Seven is plenty old enough to start and you can hire the gear at the wall.

For a glimpse of sport climbing's rough-edged beginnings check out .

Slightly before my time, but the vibe hasn't changed that much...

Oh I see. Coding.
She's very young, maybe focus on the sporting activities, supporting her learning, boosting her confusing and self esteem and trying to unpack where it all went wrong.

Dial it all down, give her more attention and find more outlets. Her brain is only just forming and growing, she doesn’t have empathy. She’ll just be mirroring and matching your frustration.

Find ways to build up her self esteem and show you’re proud of her and that she can be proud of herself.

In our house and everybody I know still view 7 year olds as young children, they would believe in Santa. They aren’t influenced by peers but influenced by parents and siblings. They Spend time family and family friends. Is your youngest daughter getting a lot of freedom outside the house?

She’s 7, you speak as though she’s 14.

She is acting out for a reason and instead of plotting to punish her with no presents I think you need to be looking to get her help.

How would a seven year old be too old for Santa? I’m sorry for what you’re going through OP and it’s great you’re looking for advice but I’m not sure you appreciate how immature 7 is. She’s just a little girl.

Shes 7 so shes too big for santa,

she really, really isn’t.

This is not naughty, this is am extreme cry for help and by punishing her you are failing.

@JoannaTheYodelingCowgirl how is your husband supporting you, the parenting in this?

You sound at the end of your tether.

Poor kid!!! Are you serious? Poor mum more like.

why are you talking about your 7yo like she's one of her older siblings?

"when they were little" have you forgotten that she is 7!!! She IS still LITTLE.

developmentally she is still barely more than a small child, who should be playing with toys and have a world full of wonder and adventure.

She isn't a teenager... stop treating her like she's older.

in with a bad group of lads at 7??

Whatever is going on outside shouldn't really be affecting her, since presumably she's mostly indoors with her family? Ya know, being 7 and all!

sorry too big for santa at 7? is this a joke post?
I presume its a typo and you mean 17, as what you are describing seems odd for a 7 year old

You don’t need camhs, you need early help. Research NVR courses and see if your early help runs them. Consequences won’t work and neither will ‘losing it’ at her.

I get you've never done santa, and that's obviously your choice and fine, but thinking a 7 year old is too old for santa - in fact a lot of things you've said abut her - it's all like you're talking about a child twice her age. Do you think you possibly just expect too much of her and she's rebelling because she knows she can't meet your expectations so she doesn't even try?

I'm also slightly alarmed about the school situation - yes she's behaved badly, but lots of kids in mainstream have behaviour issues and what you've said doesn't sound like it's off the charts - more something I'd have thought the school would be trying to be work with you on. She's in year 2? Unless she's really hurt someone / tried to and it's a genuine safety issue? Was she actually expelled or did they make you feel like you needed to withdraw her?

Horse riding it really is good for emotional regulation too - maybe there's somewhere she could learn to ride western? Can't get much more 'tom boy' than cowboy!

She’s 7 and she’s too big for Santa?!
Actually?

Just been back and read over your posts.

i suggest you do the same, and actually pay attention to how you're speaking about your smallest, youngest, child, who is only SEVEN.

You're speaking about her like she's a teenager, and seemingly viewing her behaviour through the lens of someone who is parenting teenagers, and not A SMALL CHILD.

You need to reassess yourself, your parenting, and your current attitude and expectations towards her and her behaviour, and her age, and level of maturity.

i agree, its you with the parenting issues here, talkijng about a very young child as if she is a teen..............

Jesus H Christ. How the hell does a 7 year old fall in with a bad crowd?

This obviously isn’t real.

Exactly 7 years old are still young innocent children. They need love and care not left to their own devices and punished.

I agree with the couple of comments I've seen about the way you describe her. You describe her as I would a teenager. She's a very young child. 7 is no age at all and you're giving her very sophisticated motivations that are just not likely to be true.

I agree, a teen can fall in with a 'bad crowd' but 7 year olds?!! what are they doing, stealing each others sweets? come on!