To do a present-free Christmas for my daughter?

[JoannaTheYodelingCowgirl]

My youngest child, D7 (Id say DD but the way im feeling right now theres nothing dear about her), she has given me nothing but hell the past couple of years.

She had fallen in with a bad crowd of lads and been excluded from school several times for fighting, swearing, refusing to follow instructions, vandalising another childs property... Ive come down like a ton of bricks with her but D just doesnt see the serious side of it at all

After talks with the school in the summer it was obvious that D shouldnt be returning in september, now shes receiving alternative provision that involves tutoring at home while on the camhs waiting list

Shes no longer seeing those nasty old friends, and i thought things would finally calm down but if anything they got worse. Shes been so angry and spiteful, hitting me, attacking her older sisters, refusing to do her work. She had a tantrum yesterday that resulted in her grabbing hold of some of my christmas ornaments from the hearth throwing them and breaking them. I absolutely lost it with her, but its like screaming at a brick. No remorse, nothing. D has been given consequence after consequence but nothing seems to be working she just doesnt care, and ive just about had enough.

So once the kids were in bed i was in tears with DH i just didnt know what to do with her anymore. but he suggested she needed a shock to the system, so we agreed shes not going to get anything for christmas this year.

Mums coming over this weekend with presents but i rang her and explained the situation on the phone and i asked her to keep hold of D's presents for being naughty. But mum told me i was being unfair, and that it would not stop her misbehaving but only make things worse.

Ive spent an absolute fortune on D7 alone (nerf gun, football boots, lego cars and star wars) but it makes me feel sick the thought of giving her these things when shes been completely diabolical, she has no respect for my things why should i treat her to things she wants on christmas morning. Ive kept the receipts for everything of course so its not too late to take them back to the shops. My mum bless her is a softie with the kids but her voice is echoing over and over that it'll only make things worse but i just don't know what to do.

WIBU to give my daughter no christmas presents as a wakeup call?

One of the most depressing comments I have read on social media

This is a 7yo little girl who clearly is very traumatised and possibly unwell. Doing this would further traumatise her.

gosh. That poor little girl.

this family need loads of love and patience and support. Support which is quite hard to find.

maybe granny can help invest some more time in everyone? Less presents and more moving the body?

This genuinely is the funniest thing I’ve read for ages 😂😂😂😂

YABU. It would be bad enough to do this if there were no other children in the family, but to get no presents while seeing her siblings get them would make her feel totallyrejected (and probably behave worse).

You have four children. Statistically, it was more likely than not that one of them was going to end up with additional needs. If DD7 had been your first, she'd have been an only. But she's your fourth, so you have a whole bunch of expectations from the first three she has never been able to meet, and you will never be able to fight as hard to get her the help she needs as you would if you didn't have three others competing for your time and attention.

This sucks, and there's not much that can be done about it. Your main job now is figuring out the cause of your child's unhappiness, whether it's abuse, or being the autistic child of people who don't believe in autism, or not feeling as valued as her nice well-behaved siblings, or thinking she's the wrong gender... there are so many things it could be and it's probably many of them. You just need to remember that she hasn't chosen any of this, any more than you have.

Not the point at all but 7 is not too big for Santa at all…

no need presents won’t help, try play therapy. It’s amazing.

I’d be interested to know ages of the others, whether parents work and whether OP feels like she parents enough or did the other 3 require less input whereas her daughter needs more parenting/thought out responses.

The comment about Santa makes OP sound cold towards her.

Op your little dd at just 7 years old is the product of her environment. The impact of the school she is in, and the children she is surrounded with - given she is ND is having a profound impact on her. I think you will come to see her expulsion as a saving grace.

Had she continued there, feeling angry and unsafe she would have continued into high school with this crowd and she would be lost forever. You have a chance to turn this around.

Put together a proper routine for her home schooling every day. Active Activities every day, get her running around as often as possible. Football, rugby, therapy, swimming and start joining home school groups with play dates whilst you wait on camhs. Don’t mention she was expelled, just say she is happier at home.

Do all the research you can to provide a balanced and careful childhood for her. Conflict management.

Start praising every tiny bit of progress. Give her as much affection as you can. It’s perfectly okay to love her even if she is angry. Anger is just an expression of being sad and upset. Try agreeing with her, and reassuring her. Make her feel safe and hopefully soon you will all have more support once she is fully assessed.

I felt bad for you when I thought your daughter was 17 but realising you actually did mean 7 then I really feel for her.

I like most others, cannot see how a 7 year old falls in with the wrong crowd, they should always be supervised and you as a parent can control who they see and what they do outside of school.

At 7, she should still believe in the magic of Santa, have that innocence and excitement in childhood things.

I hope and pray that you don’t have children or are in a position to influence parents.

Your comment is draconian, cruel and only serves to humiliate, ostracise and cause anguish to a little 7 year old girl who is already suffering.

You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself for suggesting these downright nasty and cruel ideas.

Hi OP.
I just wanted to reply and say you're not alone, my 8 year old was/sometimes is like this. Maybe not to your extreme but he can have pretty severe meltdowns and school is not his happy place at all!

We decided to try out jiu jitsu as it has major discipline and extremely active, a real workout. My son and 7 year old daughter love it so much now they train 6-7 days a week.

we find it's a safe space for my son to work out his anger!

I hope this helps

Anger is sadness turned outwards

YABU.

You've had loads of advice, a lot of it saying that uou need to reflect on your own parenting.

So what are you going to do?

How come you haven't got help for her earlier?

My daughter has a huge amount of energy. I stuck her into football when she was three and still plays now at eight. It has definitely helped.

The point that stands out to me is the expression 'coming down like a ton of bricks' and her having tantrums, which suggests she's very overwhelmed.

John Gottman's raising an emotionally intelligent child is a very good book on emotion coaching children.

This is beyond cruel, you should feel ashamed of yourself @clubsspadesdiamondshearts. Your approach is a fast track to heartbreak, estrangement and therapy.

@JoannaTheYodelingCowgirlI am glad you have calmed down and can see your daughter is displaying ND behaviours and needs help.

Yabu. She needs help op, no 7 year old behaves like that unless there are serious underlying issues at play. I thought you meant she was 17! 😳

Sounds like she has an undiagnosed condition and needs to be shown more love and less punishment so she’ll open up. Wouldn’t have said that years ago but I’ve learned my lesson with one of my kids.

Why is she on camhs waiting list op and what are her diagnoses? You could then mover to sen board ans get more targetted support.

To big for Santa at 7?!!!!! That's peak age surely! My daughter's are 7 and 10 and still love it all. 7yr old definitely still believes in Santa!

Hope you get some support for your daughter

Presumably a 13 year old boy wasn't in your primary school though. It's not so much the done thing these days to let 6-7 year olds wander the streets in small gangs so ops daughter met these kids at school. Honestly just glad I don't live where op lives.

Also, 7 is not too old for Santa. I appreciate people choose not to do Santa for whatever reason but you talk about her in such a weird way. She's a little girl

Why do you think she’s autistic? Because she’s misbehaving and acting out? It’s clearly a parenting issue, op talks as though she’s parenting a 17 year old not a 7 year old, saying she’s too old for Santa, hanging out with a bad crowd (a bad crowd of 7 year olds? WTF?). She’s being treated like she’s older than she is, she’s probably confused, there’s probably very little boundaries in place and she’s expected to behave?

That's really complicated, OP, and I have no real advice, as on the other hand leaving her without gifts kinda feels like a right thing to do given her behaviour, but on the other hand that could trigger even wilder behaviour from her. Maybe get her at least something but put the other gifts on hold?