To refuse to be a witness against colleague??

[Pukkajones]

Christmas party, a few nights ago. At a hotel, as it was timed with a big sales meeting, so everyone staying over, 200 ish people, free bar as well as a formal dinner.
Drinking very much encouraged. Staff ages ranged from early 20s to the senior staff in their 50s. Everyone VERY merry.
One colleague, let’s call her Jenny, got a bit carried away, throwing shapes on the dance floor, too touchy feely with men and women apparently then groped one older male colleagues testicles at which point friends grabbed hold of her and steered her off up stairs to her room.
She escaped. Came back down - paralytic at this point - and flashed her boobs at a senior male colleague! In the side bar area so fewer people around me being one of them. Another colleague and I intervened and friends got her again and put her to bed, this time someone stayed with her.

Now I’m being asked to come and tell what I saw to her line manager. I’m in training for an event at the moment so it’s common knowledge that I wasn’t drinking and was sober.

I really don’t want to. She’s lovely, usually quiet and sensible, the company got her poleaxed and now want to carpet her. I’m not a bloody snitch plus - why can’t the guy she flashed at say what happened. Why do I need to be involved???

I’ve been working away since the party so have no idea what is being said in office other than the OMG, Jenny! What was she doing??? Messages. But trust me, there’s plenty of stories from that night… so she’s in good company.

YABU - snitch on her. A man doing that would be in so much trouble.

YANBU - deny seeing anything. If the company ply everyone with that much booze there’s bound to be uncouth behaviour and they probably have enough witnesses already.

'Next time a drunken male gropes you or your daughter/ sister / mum / friend make sure you remember this statement'z

Drunkern men can be threatening and predatory. Women are not.

Why do people keep saying what if it was a man? Thr bloke whose balls she allegedly fondled didn't even complain, unsurprisingly.

I'm a woman. If a random woman at a work party grabbed my bits, I would absolutely complain. On what world is that sort of behaviour ok? No one should be touching me without my consent and being drunk is not an excuse!

Sounds like you really belong in that toxic and inappropriate drinking environment.

Perhaps you ought to confirm to your line manager that it was only her bra on show and nothing else. From your original post I actually misunderstood and thought she'd been naked on her top half. You could also confirm that she didn't (hope she didn't) say anything lewd.

You may actually be helping her out

Edited oops sorry hadn't read all the OP's posts

@InveterateWineDrinker

I understand the person who was groped was a member of the executive.

What actions (if any) did he take to ensure there was responsible service of alcohol?

Why didn’t he call an ambulance to ensure Jenny didn’t aspirate on her own vomit?

Finally, what clothing was he wearing during the time of the alleged assault? (This last one is something that women are asked when they are assaulted to determine whether they “asked for it”).

As someone who previously asked colleagues to stand up and say what they'd seen, I'd say that I view those who saw what was going on and lied to claim they hadn't seen it, as guilty as the people who did it.
The people who did it, knew they were doing wrong. But that's who some people are.
They get away with it exactly because people say "oh that's just XXX" or won't speak up to say what they've seen because they don't want to be involved.

The people who witnessed and refused to speak up, lying that they didn't see anything, I find absolutely disgusting.
They had no reason not to say anything except to make life easy for themselves.
They lie to themselves that they're a decent person, that they are "kind" and morally alright. When what they are actually doing is creating an environment where the people who are wrong know they can continue doing it because no one will speak up.
And yes, the people did continue doing it, to me and others.
Even if it had been just one person speaking up, it would have made a huge difference - and I suspect others would have then spoken up too.

There's a special place in hell reserved for people who lie about what they've witnessed.

Just the booze is there doesn't mean anyone has to drink it. I would be looking for a new job if my colleagues were all so lacking in judgement and self-control that they couldn't stop drinking until they passed out or did something so bad they could lose their jobs as a result. The company is not to blame for any individual choosing to drink themselves senseless.

Are all the employees 16 years old? If they don't know how to consume alcohol responsibly without being policed then they're not grown up enough to have a job.

Because they secretly like the idea of another woman being ‘in trouble’ and have to come up with imaginary ‘what if’ scenarios to justify it. Some of their words belie them, eg ‘drunken old slapper’ comment above. Misogyny. Pretending the world is black and white.

Okay. So what exactly is the problem with telling your employer the truth?

There is no reason why you cant give a factual statement confirming what you saw of both parties: the employer irresponsibly plying her with drink and the behaviour from the drunk colleague. They will at least know if you get called to give evidence at an employment tribunal you wont be painting anyone in a good light

I completely agree.

If the behaviour were really no big deal, then the OP should have no problem sharing what she saw. The fact that she's lying proves that she knows it wasn't ok but is helping cover it up anyway.

And to all the posters saying it's no big deal because the aggressor was a woman, how would you feel if a woman grabbed you by the pussy in the middle of a work party? Would you shrug it off as no big deal?

The company didn't get her drunk, she got herself drunk, the responsibility for her behaviour is all on her and she needs a sharp shock. If you are called as a witness simply stick to the facts, where you were, who else was there, what she did, end of, you don't need to say anymore. It might do her good to hear it when she's stone cold sober.

In the op you said she flashed her boobs then in other messages lifted her top showing her bra?

You make an interesting point. Had a man grabbed the OP's privates would she be happy that his mates kept quiet about it?

If you are ever the victim of sexual assault I hope there are witnesses around who are more honest than you.

Isn't this what we've been complaining about? Men protecting men rather than speaking out?

I'd probably say exactly what you said in OP. Yes it happened, but the company has a lot to answer for.

Please can you explain why you think is ok for men to be sexual harassed/ assaulted ?
Would you say the same if it was man on man assault? Or woman on woman ?

She maybe lovely but people who know they behave badly after too much drink should pace themselves, especially at work do’s. I find it unlikely this is the first time she’s gone wild and she has sexually harassed two male colleagues. A man doing similar at a works Xmas do would quite rightly be torn to shreds and hopefully dealt with.

You need to factually state what you saw.

Try asking a man his opinion, I asked DH and he said it absolutely is no different, assault is assault and women need to be called out on it the same as men

The colleague she assaulted and sexually harassed will have given their version of events, or will be asked to.

Bullshit. It's about victims being victims and - in the context of this thread - perfectly capable, cognitive people looking the other way and (for OP) revelling in it.

I think it needs to be unacceptable, but it is different because of the different power dynamic, as PP says.

Well, the poll is 50-50. So, many people here agree with OP are being quiet, in fear of being attacked on this thread.

You have no way of knowing that.

ETA plenty of posters here have been quite vocal in agreeing with the OP that her lies are acceptable.