To tell our daughter we can’t manage the childcare anymore?

[five5five]

Our daughter 43 has 3 children the older two are in primary school and when she returned to work I did say I would have the girls while she worked to save with costs.
This was 10 years ago and while I have kept to my promise she now has another baby and I don’t think I am the best person to be looking after a baby.
I will be 80 next year and my husband has mobility difficulties and early onset dementia so I am also caring for him so it’s only me who really looks after them but I know she relies on me as childcare will cripple them.
I was very happy to have them when I offered and I don’t want to sound like I’m dropping her now with a baby but the older girls are in school so I only need to pick them up and have them here a couple of hours but we are older now and I am starting to feel it and really I’m finding it a lot and a baby is a lot more work than a 6 and 10.
I also have other grandchildren I look after although not on a regular basis so more as and when needed so sometimes I have had all 6 in.
AIBU to go back on my offer now there is 3 as I don’t honestly think I am the best choice of care for a baby and I would struggle full time.
I know it doesn’t suit my husband to have a baby around the house all day.

I think you’ve done more than enough and it’s time to retire gracefully. Don’t feel guilty about it. Time to look after yourself and your husband.

They’ve been very lucky to have your help until now.

I am hoping that this is a joke thread because this is ridiculous.

Yes, if you refused childcare from today then it would make things tricky but if you said that you’re struggling and give them a few weeks to find alternative childcare then that’s fine.

Why would you pay for them to do this?

I feel really sorry for your other kids and grandkids.
Why does this daughter and her kids get preferential treatment?

Bloody hell, that’s insane! Even if I lived near my very capable, involved parents, I would never expect that much childcare from them. 1-2 days a week MAXIMUM to help save on childcare costs. They deserve a life too.

And why the hell is it your responsibility to pay for her childcare!? Most families just suck it up and pay the outrageous nursery fees. She’s had it so good for so long with you taking care of the older two, she can learn how the rest of us do it.

I think your DD was extremely unreasonable to just assume a 78yo would be happy to care for a baby all day. She and her DH are grown ups, and will manage, as we all do. Your offer of financial assistance is unnecessarily generous.

The amount of money she has saved with free childcare will be huge, I had to pay and we live hundreds of miles from family.

Don’t offer her money, tell her that you can’t after Christmas and she needs to put the baby in nursery. My sister looked after her grandchildren in her forties, both her and her DD had children young. When her DS became a Dad she was in her early sixties and life was very different, she cried down the phone how she couldn’t look after her new grandchildren, she felt so guilty, the woman has complex medical problems.

If I get grandchildren I would cover holidays and date nights and some school holidays but no way am I giving up my retirement to do regular week in and week out childcare.

She may not have thought about it all. Maybe ask one of her siblings to feel out the situation with her, I can't imagine she would purposefully put that strain on you. Plus, her salary expectations 10 years ago must be different to now. She had the baby, she shouldn't have assumed that you would pick up the slack (if she has at all)

I am really hoping you are merely anticipating something she wouldn't put on you, consciously!

My mum was kind enough to look after my two for 3 days a week when they were young, she was 60 and must have found it exhausting (I’m 48 and can’t imagine it!). She’s 76 now and there’s no way she would be fit to look after a baby (she’s well and healthy, but it would be too much).

It was reckless and selfish of your daughter to assume you would want to/be able to do this.

@five5five my sister is just a couple of years younger than you and is killing herself, looking after her two grandchildren since they were a few months old. She has various health issues, is in her mid-70s, and the kids are boisterous older toddlers. She has them four days a week from 8.30 to 6pm. She also does overnight care so her daughter and SIL can go away for 'a break'. I have to bite my tongue, but the daughter seems oblivious as to how this is affecting her mother. You have gone above and beyond with your care and help. It's time to step down from the baby care, and think of your husband who you say is unhappy having a baby in the house all day. My niece is so used to the situation that when my sister had to go into hospital for a few days she was outraged and bleating 'but what about me? what shall I do?'

You seem to be wallowing in guilt OP but you are not at fault. You have fulfilled your promise of help with childcare. It was never a lifetime guarantee. Your daughter and son in-law have made choices beyond that promise - another baby and gong no contact (help) with his family. They are turning a blind eye to your age and your DH's early stage dementia and all the work and stress you are under.

They need a massive rethink. They need to explore every avenue - changing jobs, cut down hours, free nursery hours and the like. Do not be pressured into just 4 days, 3 days. Practice saying 'No, not any more's

My late mother had dementia and the decline can be steep. Unless you are wealthy, and I am assuming you are not as you would have helped her already, please do not offer your daughter money for her childcare issues. It's not fair on your other children and you have no idea what monies and help you will need for your DH when the time comes.

I find the 'cover all illness' a strange one.
Not nitpicking. Just genuinely.
Im in my 50s and I couldn't possibly guarantee id be available to pick up the slack for any random illness with kids.
I dont want that in my house apart from anything else and especially not as I get older.
I just dont see how this would work. Have you had much cause to use it?
Genuinely not criticism just scratching my head in relation to the statement.

It's pretty shocking that your daughter is expecting you to look after a baby all week as well as her other children. Did she ask you if you were willing to take on the baby?

Suggest to her that she make alternative arrangements for the baby you can continue to look after the girls after school. I don't see why you should feel you have to make a financial contribution. It was their decision to have a third child!

You are looking after your husband as well you must be exhausted!

OP this is ludicrous and your daughter is taking advantage. Big time.

Think about your other grandchildren who don’t get time with you because you are probably so spent after full time childcare duties in the week.

If he works shifts why are you having the youngest all day? Unless he's on alternating nights/full days he can look after the little one either in the morning or afternoon before or after a shift, and his school age children after an early shift.
I worked shifts until DS left primary school. He went to a childminder when both of us were at work, and post night shifts when he was pre-school age. The added bonus is that it's cheaper than full time childcare, by quite some margin. Don't let that cloud your decisions. And do not feel guilty!

@five5five

That sounds exhausting! So you're child minding all week and caring for your DH, which is a full time job in itself.

When do you get time for you?

I'd think it was a pisstake to expect to have a lurgy riddled child delivered to me every time they're ill. Keep them home ta.

I was thinking that as well!!!!

Sit down and explain that it's untenable now there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and I'm amazed your doing it.

If in England then there is more funding available and she has saved over 15k a year for 10+ years!

My parents were 70 and 66 when my son was born. At no point did I ever expect my parents to look after my son, so I could work. My parents in fairness to them, made it plain to me when I was pregnant that they weren't prepared to look after my son full or even part time. They were honest, in that they felt they were getting on in years, and didn't want the responsibility or the restriction on their lives by doing so. My parents have looked after my son occasionally when he's been off school unwell or if my husband and I have gone out in the evening or even odd days now and then.

Well ya, but I am genuinely baffled.
Id take anyone to a and e but im not minding a chicken pox child.

She can pay for childcare. It's way too much for you having a baby every week day.

Perhaps tell her you're finding it difficult (with age and your husband) and give her 2 months to find alternative childcare.

You could offer to have the baby 1 day a week... which is still a big help.

Good God that is way too much of a burden on you and it’s unreasonable of your daughter not to have recognised this and placed the baby in nursery. 10 years of free childcare is a huge benefit already. In your circumstances you cannot be expected to care for a baby full time Mon-Fri.

My mum used to do after school care for my kids in primary school - I paid her the going rate for a childminder for this. No way would I have expected her to do all the holidays etc, even for payment. It’s too much of an incursion into your own life. Your husband’s needs will only increase and what about you?! Where is your downtime?

I think perhaps, your daughter is not looking at, and seeing you and your husband, as you are here and now, if you know what I mean.

It could be just that you're always there, and she hasn't stood back, and seen that ten years have gone past, you're in your 80's, your husband, her father is not so much another caregiver, as needing you to be caregiver, or it could be a bit of wilful blindness on her part. Or a combination of both!

You have so, so generously, given ten years of childcare gratis, to help them be able to save and get themselves financially stable. At this point, realistically, you are no longer in a position to be able to provide this for a baby, full time, plus the two older girls, plus your husband. She shouldn't be asking you, she shouldn't be assuming you are either willing or able to.

Now she and her husband need to do what so many people do when they choose to have another baby - figure out how to make their lifestyle and their budget work to provide for it - including childcare. This is their responsibility willingly assumed when they chose to have another baby, as parents and adults.

Absolutely this! There is loads of government financial help for working families. She needs to access her funded childcare and look at using tax-free childcare for the rest.

This.
10 years have gone by and it's time to adapt to new circumstances. It sounds as though you're happy to have the older children (at least for the moment) but the youngest is too much and daughter will need to make other arrangements.

You're not unreasonable at all. If you were my mother, I might ask if you could continue to have the 10 and 6 sometimes (if that is currently working well and you can handle it) but there is no way I would expect you to have the new baby as well. It's too much.
My mum is a fit and able 70 year old, but having my toddler for one day every now and then is enough and I wouldn't expect or ask her to do more because I recognise how tiring young kids are. I hope your daughter accepts this gently for you OP. You've gone above and beyond but you do need to look after yourself too.