To tell our daughter we can’t manage the childcare anymore?

[five5five]

Our daughter 43 has 3 children the older two are in primary school and when she returned to work I did say I would have the girls while she worked to save with costs.
This was 10 years ago and while I have kept to my promise she now has another baby and I don’t think I am the best person to be looking after a baby.
I will be 80 next year and my husband has mobility difficulties and early onset dementia so I am also caring for him so it’s only me who really looks after them but I know she relies on me as childcare will cripple them.
I was very happy to have them when I offered and I don’t want to sound like I’m dropping her now with a baby but the older girls are in school so I only need to pick them up and have them here a couple of hours but we are older now and I am starting to feel it and really I’m finding it a lot and a baby is a lot more work than a 6 and 10.
I also have other grandchildren I look after although not on a regular basis so more as and when needed so sometimes I have had all 6 in.
AIBU to go back on my offer now there is 3 as I don’t honestly think I am the best choice of care for a baby and I would struggle full time.
I know it doesn’t suit my husband to have a baby around the house all day.

Jesus, 5 days a week! I know of lots of grandparents who help out with one or two days and week but this is insane.

I actually feel quite sad as you’ve been robbed of your retirement years. You should have been taking advantage of cheap holidays, travelling around the world. Hobbies and involved in fun community stuff. I know you’ve had enjoyment from spending a lot of time with your grandchildren but I can’t help but think you’ve missed out on so much

Hell no!! Running around after a 14 month old at 80?
Im nearly 65 and I do a few days care in the holidays for a 5 and a 10 year old. They play together well and dont require too much input, but its still exhausting 😴

OP, you're a saint. You have saved your DD and DSIL tens of thousands of pounds over the years in childcare. Back when my DC were young enough to need childcare, I was shelling out a 4 figure amount each month for the both of them. You've done more than enough already. The agreement you had was for the two older DGC, made a decade back when your situation was quite different.

I can't believe your DD didn't check with you first if it was ok for you to look after the youngest. I actually can't believe she didn't stop and think, "my mum is in her late 70's, Dad isn't well and is needing more care...I am going to talk this through and see how Mum is and whether this is not getting too much for her". I am also shocked that she hasn't made future plans about what to do in exactly this situation: i.e. put aside some of the insane amount of money that she has saved over the past decade to deal with this situation.

My lovely parents helped me with my kids - I was the breadwinner, and working FT shifts, so I understand how bloody hard it is (and how expensive). I was so thankful for their offer, but I also insisted that it shouldn't be full time as I didn't want it to end up being too much for my DP (healthy, active and in their 60's/70's) so my two went to nursery and wraparound care FT. DP very kindly picked up any emergency stuff (or if I had to work nights/weekends/bank hols), and if my shifts meant I needed someone to have the kids between shift start/end time and when nursery/wraparound started/finished, they'd step in. I didn't want them to be tied to an arrangement that was hard work for them, and I wanted them to be able to enjoy their well-deserved retirement. There's a nearly 7yr age gap between my eldest and my youngest (I have 2DC) and when youngest was born, I double checked if they would be ok with doing similar. They were fine with it, but IF it wasn't possible, I would have altered hours or found another job. I also paid for them to have a cleaner and a gardener so that they got some help that way (they didn't want me to pay them at all, but I was able to get about it by doing this to show my appreciation). Every so often, I would check with them to see if they were still ok to continue.

The fact that you've had youngest up to this point has saved them ££££s just in past year alone (let alone the previous 10yrs!). Isn't it once babies are over 1yr old, that fees are slightly cheaper? I'm sure that was the case for when my two were young. I think you need to talk to DD and DSIL now and give them the low down. Don't offer to pay for their childcare!! If you want to continue to have the older two, you're still doing them a massive favour and saving them a fortune (I think it was £25 a day for wraparound care just for my eldest), but do what is right for you. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. x

Sorry your daughter behaved like a CF

I can’t quite believe what I’ve read. Who in their right mind would think it was ok for an 80 year old to look after 3 children 5 days a week? I feel so sad you’ve been robbed of your retirement by your DD.

You are not being unreasonable at all - you have been incredibly supportive. If you were my mum I'd like to think I would be proactively suggesting a change given your age and husband's dementia, not waiting until you said you couldn't cope anymore. With the greatest respect it was your daughter's choice to have a third child knowing that she was dependent on an 80-year-old to take care of the baby.

I would echo what others have said. When do you get to enjoy [frankly] what's left of your old age with your husband? You shouldn't be looking after anyone's children by now [except the occasional babysitting or emergency care perhaps] however well you feel.

It's the 9th of December. I would sit her down this evening and tell her that you want her to make alternative arrangements for as soon as possible in the New Year. Don't let her spend too much going into Christmas in blissful ignorance and that's a month to 6 weeks to sort something out. Quite a lot of people go back to work in the new year after maternity leave but equally, quite a lot will be knocking off in the Christmas hols expecting a January baby so a place at a childminder or nursery may be coming free and 14 months is a good age for either.

Personally I'd be asking her to also do wrap around care for the other two at least 2 afternoons a week, ideally 3 and to make arrangements for the school holidays like normal families.

It doesn't sound like the husband is doing much of anything despite his shifts. While it's hectic it also allows for school drop offs and days during the week with the kids. Time the real world landed with him and your daughter.

I would echo what others have said. When do you get to enjoy [frankly] what's left of your old age with your husband? You shouldn't be looking after anyone's children by now [except the occasional babysitting or emergency care perhaps] however well you feel.

It's the 9th of December. I would sit her down this evening and tell her that you want her to make alternative arrangements for as soon as possible in the New Year. Don't let her spend too much going into Christmas in blissful ignorance and that's a month to 6 weeks to sort something out. Quite a lot of people go back to work in the new year after maternity leave but equally, quite a lot will be knocking off in the Christmas hols expecting a January baby so a place at a childminder or nursery may be coming free and 14 months is a good age for either.

Personally I'd be asking her to also do wrap around care for the other two at least 2 afternoons a week, ideally 3 and to make arrangements for the school holidays like normal families.

It doesn't sound like the husband is doing much of anything despite his shifts. While it's hectic it also allows for school drop offs and days during the week with the kids. Time the real world landed with him and your daughter.

You have been so kind providing so much childcare over the years.
I’m astounded you have the baby full-time. Just as with being a SAHM that’s a full-time job you are doing. It’s clear caring for your husband as well would make this level of child-care too much.
It’s also understandable how challenging this might be to raise with your DD. However it needs to be raised asap, for all of your sakes. Please don’t go into any conversation feeling you need to solve this. You don’t. You will just be communicating the situation as it is to guide decision making. Your DD and her DH are adults, the parents with the responsibility. I’d be concerned if they hadn’t already discussed this potentially happening.
Please remember you have to look after yourself first, as if you run out of steam you won’t be able to help anybody the way you wish to.

YANBU at all.
My parents helped me immensely with childcare in their 50s, but I still registered my child in nursery 3 days per week until 3pm, as I didn't want to burden them with all day care.

At 80, there wouldn't even be a consideration of steady childcare, let alone 5 days per week, all day. Your daughter and SIL are unconscionable. They should have known this is a terrible idea at this stage, and made alternative arrangements. Even if you insisted to your detriment, they should've known to make other plans.

Let them know that for all the goodwill, you are just out of your depth now.

You are obviously a fantastic mother and grandmother. If your daughter had a third child assuming you would be able to manage a baby, practically full time, nearly 10 years after you first offered, then she has been very unfair to you. You are older, you have different caring responsibilities, in short, circumstances are wholly different than they were. You have in no way gone back on a promise, nor should she just have assumed things would be the same now. You do not need to offer to pay towards childcare simply because you cannot continue doing her the huge favour you have done before. Obviously if you can afford it and want to do it, that is up to you. But there is absolutely no obligation to.

I hope that you can explain this to her, and she will be as kind and considerate towards you, as you have been towards her.

Your daughter is being incredibly unreasonable!!

What is she thinking asking you to do childcare at your age and with your responsibilities.

Gosh not unreasonable at all. I would be exhausted looking after an 18 month all day, 5 days a week and I’m half your age.

I think your daughter should have thought about the impact it would have on you. Did she ask if you were sure you would cope or did she just assume?

Jesus!!!
You need to tell her, and don't feel bad.

Assume she would be entitled to funded nursery hours anyway so I wouldn't even feel bad about this.

Utter madness to think anyone not being paid would watch a baby for 8/9/10 hours a day, 5 days a week for free, never mind someone in their 80s!!!

But what do you do for your other children/gcs or does your daughter get the lion’s share? I’m so sorry, OP, but think she is using you. She definitely should NOT have made assemptions about your time, or the impact on your frail husband.

I’m sorry op, but your daughter is a disgrace who has been taking advantage of your very generous nature. Enough now. You have done more than your bit, you are nearly 80 with a husband with dementia, her kids are her responsibility. I can’t believe she is just expecting you to keep doing everything you are doing - you need to say it’s time to stop so you can take care of you and your husband. Do not give her money either, good grief, these are her children, she needs to take responsibility and not rely on parents who are getting on in years and frankly, have done way over and above and deserve time to relax!

I have 3 DC the exact same ages it sounds like OP and my mum is also nearly 80. Not unreasonable at all! My DM was early 70s when I had DD1 and she helped with childcare then, which was amazing of her but I never expected it. She actually sort of 'resigned' when DD1 was three and I had DD2 and she was mid 70s which was absolutely fair enough! She is now nearly 80 and I'd never expect her to look after all three! I wouldn't even think it was safe to be honest. She sometimes takes the older two girls for a few hours at the weekend but that's it. We still see her lots. You've done loads for her already I'm sure she will totally understand!

Be honest.

I am not safe or capable of looking after a baby anymore. I'm too old.

My mum had this. 1st grandchild at 50. No problems with childcare.
2nd at 60. Still no problem.
3rd at 70. Not up to looking after a baby although could still supervise the 10 year old.

It's the natural order of things. Your DD must know this really. An 80 year old with a newborn-ish? Common sense.

If you are able and want to, you could offer to make a financial contribution to nursery costs?

YANBU. Your daughter needs sort her own childcare out now; you’ve done your bit ( and more!)

This is a very good point. I should have made it in my first post on the thread but it is too late to edit it now. I've changed my stance on the idea of offering financial assistance.

OP, be wary of offering money. You might need to pay for carers as your husband's health conditions progress, and it is very expensive. Unless you are very wealthy, it could leave you short and unable to afford what you will need.

I'd explain that to your daughter too. If you really do want to offer some financial support then say that it must be time limited and flexible (i.e. you might need to withdraw it at short notice to pay for carers).

I'd set a limit certainly.

You have given her 10 and 6 years of child care - I don't think at 80 you are being unreasonable to say no to a baby when you have someone with dementia in the house. I would say continue with 2 older ones but baby will need to go to nursery as they can better meet baby's needs. 10 yr old will soon be in secondary as well leaving just 6 yr old after school - that is still saving them plenty of money. Other people find ways so she will need to as well - sheesh when do you get time for you!

It's not your responsibility to pay for it, they should have checked before planning.

If he works shifts there is NO WAY he couldn't have the child in the daytime at least some of the weeks.. sounds like they are taking advantage of you to be honest.

I can't imagine expecting my 80 year-old mother to run around looking after my baby full time, let alone alongside caring for my dad with dementia. Forget whether you're putting her in a sticky situation, she and her DH are being breathtakingly selfish. It's not on.

A conversation needs to be had, along the lines of you and your DH have realised you can't cope with the baby. She and her DH have until Easter to find alternative childcare. You're happy (or not) to continue to have the older ones after school. That's as much as you can manage going forward.

Oh my goodness I don’t blame you for now finding this responsibility too much to cope with. Your DD and SIL need to have an urgent rethink and come up with a sustainable childcare plan that doesn’t involve you. I wouldn’t offer money unless you are loaded. It will just encourage further dependence of a different type.

As your daughter & husband works she will be entitled to 30hours of funded childcare per week (as long as they don’t earn over a certain ££) this is from 9months old. Why not suggest she looks into a nursery or childminder and see how much it would actually cost her to put her youngest in? She may also be entitled to a tax free childcare account where for every £8 they put in the government gives you £2 and you use this to pay for the childcare fees.
You have been VERY generous so far but you need to remind your daughter that you are entitled to enjoy your retirement too and SHE had the children not you.