To tell our daughter we can’t manage the childcare anymore?

[five5five]

Our daughter 43 has 3 children the older two are in primary school and when she returned to work I did say I would have the girls while she worked to save with costs.
This was 10 years ago and while I have kept to my promise she now has another baby and I don’t think I am the best person to be looking after a baby.
I will be 80 next year and my husband has mobility difficulties and early onset dementia so I am also caring for him so it’s only me who really looks after them but I know she relies on me as childcare will cripple them.
I was very happy to have them when I offered and I don’t want to sound like I’m dropping her now with a baby but the older girls are in school so I only need to pick them up and have them here a couple of hours but we are older now and I am starting to feel it and really I’m finding it a lot and a baby is a lot more work than a 6 and 10.
I also have other grandchildren I look after although not on a regular basis so more as and when needed so sometimes I have had all 6 in.
AIBU to go back on my offer now there is 3 as I don’t honestly think I am the best choice of care for a baby and I would struggle full time.
I know it doesn’t suit my husband to have a baby around the house all day.

WTF. My mum is 80 and enjoying her life travelling, gardening, going to music performances. I didnt use her for any childcare except in emergencies.
Of course YANBU

Your daughter is coming across very badly in this situation. Has she genuinely no conscience? She assumed a 78 year old woman would take full responsibility for a baby during the week? That's almost unbelieveable.

Under no circumstance offer her money for childcare. She's used you enough.

You have done so much for your DD and her family.
Don't give a financial contribution, treat yourself and enjoy your time.

You have been so kind and generous to do the many years of childcare for your daughter. However you're so right to change the arrangement now. Please absolutely don't feel guilty or offer any funds. As others have said she will get funding towards nursery fees now.

I totally understand how you're feeling and why you feel guilty (although you absolutely shouldn't)!!!!

I'm a granny myself, although younger than you (72). We looked after our little grandson two days a week until he went to school and adored it. But I realised once I turned 70 (so a decade younger than your lovely self!!!) that it would be too much to look after the second child, so I told my daughter my reasons for not being able to do the same as we did for the first child. The main issue I felt was safety, getting a bit older and slightly more frail, looking after a baby, then toddler, then energetic child would have been unsafe.

She understood the reasons why and it has never been an issue between us. You have gone absolutely above and beyond, OP, and your daughter has been so lucky that you have helped her so much. Just let her know - give her a few months to sort out childcare maybe, and don't feel guilty. You owe it to yourself and your husband to focus on yourselves in your later years.

Well my mum catagorically stated she would only do ad hoc emergency childcare. That's the way it has always been. She is younger then you by about 5 years and was a sahm and she doesnt work. She enjoys lots of hobbies, lunches, trips away with friends and family. She spent 2 months in australia last year. Good for her. I love seeing her enjoy life.
I respect her decision as it's her life. She had her children.
I have spent a fortune in childcare and lots of stress picking up kids and runing them around, but they are my children. So thats my responsibilty. We have forgone holidays and I rarely get my hair cut etc as time and money doesn't allow for it. But I am a grown adult who chose to have children. I am not a 16 year old who got pregnant by mistake and needs my mum to help me through.
I would just say no, you can't do it. They should pay for a nursery or childminder , like millions of other families.

Your daughter should have 100% had a conversation with you when she fell pregnant with the third to see what your feelings were on the situation. She should also be regularly checking in with you to see how you’re coping and if you want anything changing.

You need to realise that you have done them a huge favour by offering the free childcare you have and for so long and you would most definitely not be “throwing a spanner in the works” by saying you can no longer offer this to her.

They are her children and this is her and her partners issue to fix. If she says anything other than “Thank you so much for everything you’ve done for us Mum we can’t thank you enough.” When you tell her you’re struggling, that would be unforgivable.

Also to add, you do not need to offer financial help for any childcare arrangements they make going forward. This isn’t on you and you’ve already saved them literally tens of thousands of pounds already.

This. You have done more than enough. Do you think your daughter had the 3rd child assuming you would do the childcare? She should have discussed with you beforehand if that is the case. Prioritise yourself and your husband now.

Absolutely disgraceful that she expects her 80yr old mother to mind her children.
Im gobsmacked. If she was looking for a nanny would she interview an 80yr old? I doubt it. Becus3 she knows thats not realistic.
Of all the cheekyfuckery ive seen on here, this wins.
I am truly truly dumbfounded at the audacity of this couple.
No you would not be unreasonable and I as a mother would be so so so disappointed in my dd if she behaved like this.
Another child with nothing in place. The most irresponsible entitled thing ive heard in a long time.
Ive 3 girls. And thy know while ill help out if they need it, our child rearing days are over. They know any children they have are theirs to sort out. Im emergency care and im fun care if the time comes.
I am NOT the childminder.

I think your daughter's expectations of you are disgraceful. Seeing as you are her children's primary carer, were you involved in the family planning? I doubt it but then she just expects you to raise any children SHE decides to have?! She basically has no consideration for you at all.

YANBU. Please tell your daughter as soon as possible so she can find (and budget for) alternative childcare. Don't carry on with the status quo until you reach breaking point.

this. She keeps churning out babies in the full knowledge that someone else will care of them, free of charge.
No way would I expect my mum or MIL to have our children full time. The deal has always been they do a school pick up each, and they cover all illness. When they were under school age they went to nursery 3 days unless ill and each granny did one day which they wanted to do.

OP I am a single parent with no support from the dad or his side of the family at all.

My family have never once looked after my DC so I can work.
It has never even crossed my mind to ask anyone even.

I think it takes the mick that they went and had another baby and expect you to do all of the hard work.

They either need to use proper childcare or find jobs that means they don’t need childcare.

I couldn’t think of anything worse than raising kids and then finally having freedom to focus on myself, just to then look after my grandkids constantly.

I am surprised it hasn’t caused issues with your other kids and I can imagine they are very resentful.
You are picking favourites which isn’t fair.

Tell her that it needs to stop.

I can't believe your daughter thinks this is ok @five5five

Absolutely this. It was actually pretty inconsiderate of her to assume this was an expiration free offer.
It’ll be a difficult conversation OP but you are not being AT ALL unreasonable. Hope it goes ok

She didn’t think she needed to (think about childcare)as she thought she had me - I could make a financial contribution towards nursery

For the first sentence alone I'd personally do no such thing, and instead remind her of the colossal amount you've saved them already if necessary

Actually I'm hoping this is all some sort of horrible joke, but if not she must be quite mad to expect this of an 80 year old with other caring responsibilities

Goodness. My DM is 78. I can count on one hand the number of times she has looked after any of our 3 (primary age) DC for a couple of hours. Your DD is being totally unreasonable expecting childcare.

Your daughter absolutely should have thought of childcare for her youngest prior to pregnancy, given your age. It's not fair for her to be expecting you to care for a 14 month old child 5 days per week, and care for your husband. It's not sustainable going forward. Looking after your granddaughter's for a couple of hours after school, is vastly different to looking after a baby full-time. Your daughter should have never assumed, but clearly she has. She knows you are older in years and her Dad has dementia, yet never thought to ask. You need to be honest with your daughter. Yes, you can continue having your granddaughter's after school and collecting them but she will need to find alternative childcare for her 3rd child. By all means offer a small financial contribution to help, if you want, it may soften the blow. You need to recognise that you should have told your daughter when she was pregnant that she'd need to make alternative childcare arrangements for the new baby. You'll need to give your daughter time to find a nursery, but she needs to start looking now.

Your daughter is unbelievably selfish.

You are both part of the problem. You for not having the conversation before her youngest child was born. There are not many 80 year olds who could run after a 14 month old. My mum is 59 and struggles. Your dd is the most unreasonable though. She absolutely should have considered your age,ability to do childcare and her father's health needs. If she would find child care for a toddler crippling then her judgement was poor in having a third child. It doesn't matter that you said you would help she should have engaged her brain and realised with your increasing age this might not be the most appropriate solution.

The only solution is to sit down and talk this over. In the mean time look at what you could or are willing to do. So could you manage if 14 month old was in nursery in the mornings and you have them in the afternoons or 2 days a week etc. Figure out what works for you and then propose that. You need to speak about this at the earliest opportunity. You also shouldn't be feeling guilty over this, most of us have to use childcare and that factors into how many children we can have. Offering up a financial contribution is kind of you but I think unnecessary.

Not remotely unreasonable, I would find it too much looking after a baby all day every day and Im not 60 yet.

There's still a level of expectation in your post that I would be pushing against.

Still as long as you don't take it for granted and have a back up plan when they don't want to do childcare then..

No it’s too much. You upheld your side of the deal and looked after her eldest 2 when she went back to work. The 3rd child should have been discussed. In terms of throwing a spanner into the works she did that by having another child without the proper discussions and assumptions on her part.

Irrespective of what was agreed your health and that of your husband could and have changed.

I would simply say that it is too much and your health circumstances have changed so you are giving notice and she needs to secure other childcare for the children. If she kicks off merely state it was not agreed for the 3rd child. Have a date as she sounds cheeky and will probably let it drift on.

This is absolutely shocking. Your daughter should have considered childcare plans with each pregnancy. At your age, even without her DH's dementia, not many would manage a baby or toddler on a regular basis. You must be run ragged.

My DP became gp around age 70 and declared themselves too old to do any childcare - the most they would do is babysit in the evening for a couple of hours, twice a year. By their late 70s they stopped doing that.

You have done an incredible amount for your DD and GC but you must be explicit it can't continue.

You have more than fulfilled your commitment from 10 years ago!
Expecting you to cope full time with a baby is ridiculous and very selfish of your daughter. I’ve backed out of childminding for a relative before now and whilst it was initially difficult I was so relived once a new childminder was sorted. You will not be thanked for what you’ve done already!
However difficult - there are two earners so don’t give your funds to support their decisions; you could well need it for carers. This is a good time for them to find alternative childcare - give notice as soon as you can.

Sorry OP, but your daughter is taking the mickey.

As someone who has two young children and works without family close by to rely on (and skeptical about how much we could/would rely on if they were actually living close by) having family members to offer childcare is SUCH a privilege. It is a privilege not to be taken lightly. I often hear of people who take it for granted and too often push their luck.

You did not offer for a new baby back when you offered for the two other grandchildren. Regardless, as another commenter has said, these things can always be reviewed.

You have far too much on your plate at an age when you should not have too much on your plate.