To tell our daughter we can’t manage the childcare anymore?

[five5five]

Our daughter 43 has 3 children the older two are in primary school and when she returned to work I did say I would have the girls while she worked to save with costs.
This was 10 years ago and while I have kept to my promise she now has another baby and I don’t think I am the best person to be looking after a baby.
I will be 80 next year and my husband has mobility difficulties and early onset dementia so I am also caring for him so it’s only me who really looks after them but I know she relies on me as childcare will cripple them.
I was very happy to have them when I offered and I don’t want to sound like I’m dropping her now with a baby but the older girls are in school so I only need to pick them up and have them here a couple of hours but we are older now and I am starting to feel it and really I’m finding it a lot and a baby is a lot more work than a 6 and 10.
I also have other grandchildren I look after although not on a regular basis so more as and when needed so sometimes I have had all 6 in.
AIBU to go back on my offer now there is 3 as I don’t honestly think I am the best choice of care for a baby and I would struggle full time.
I know it doesn’t suit my husband to have a baby around the house all day.

I am a bit shocked that she assumed that she had you to do it all. You have a lot on your plate already and a baby/toddler all day is very different from two older ones after school. You and she had a set up which worked. And would have gone on working as the older ones would have needed less care as your husband might begin to need more.
You didn’t change the situation, your daughter did. You stepped up and have looked after the baby for long enough to realise that that isn’t viable. You have been more than generous.
The first thing you need to do is tell your daughter that you cannot go on caring for the baby. She does need time but equally you need to give a deadline, say the end of February? If you fell and broke your hip for example she would need to find care immediately.
Try to reframe this as you have done what you can and will go on doing what you can rather than seeing it as you letting her down.

Oh me....I am 43 and even as a parent of a baby at that age having them all day would knacker me, so I feel that you are going so above and beyond at your age - and then having the other 2 after school.
Can you say no to the baby and still keep doing school pick up? If you want to that is.

Remember they will; likely get childcare vouchers, and depending on wages there is financial help out there.

You are a wonderful mother to have even gotten this far in caring for them before questioning it!!

My extremely fit at the time and still working offshore dad had my kids a few times in his 60s and I honestly thought it would be the end of him (and my kids were like so well behaved as well, he just couldn't keep up!).

You are in your eighties with all that that can entail, with an increasing ill and disabled husband.

It is unrealistic and unsustainable to be looking after a 14 month old 5 days a week on top of that plus after school care for the older two.

I think you need to have a conversation with your daughter. Point out that you are struggling now because you are much older and your husband's health issues are (presumably) casting you in the role of his full time carer. Say that you cannot safely look after him and the children, it's a potential accident waiting to happen. She will need to set up alternative childcare and you are willing to contribute something towards the cost. That sounds like another kind offer to me.

If she has any sense an is at all observant she might be half expecting this. If she isn't then she should be and you are well within your rights to point it out.

You have been fantastic to your daughter and grandchildren to help as much as you have. I hope your daughter didn’t just assume you’d now look after the baby at nearly 80. You’re not unreasonable at all to say no to this, it’s very understandable. A baby is huge work, and a toddler even more, and I say this as a mum of two small children. I’m sure your daughter will understand.

OP you've done a fantastic job so far and I can only hope to be as able as you when I reach that age (about to become a GF at 53). My surviving parents/in-laws are both 79 and neither would be up to the job of looking after 10 year olds, let alone 14 month.
Your DD is taking the piss quite frankly and she should have thought about the existing arrangement before having more children. As pp have said, if your DD was my child, I'd be very disappointed.

Presumably, she didn't consult you about whether you could take on another child. She's being a bit presumptuous to think that an agreement made 10 years ago, before your DH became unwell, still stands.

NO! Sorry but no....they are adults and they have to sort this themselves. Do not offer to pay - you have already contributed THOUSANDS of pounds worth of free childcare and they should have financially planned and saved around that as well.

There is financial help out there they can apply for if they qualify. If they do not then they should be able to afford it...if they cannot then they need to look at their finances and figure stuff out!

Is there a reason they are not in touch with his side of the family?? I know of people that don't speak to one side as they used them so much they ended up cutting contact.

Your not going back on your offer as you offered to help with her 2 children years ago not a third she chose to have years later. I actually cant believe she thinks ita acceptable to have her nearly 80 year mother running after a toddler and doing school runs 5 days a week. She should have factored in childcare prior to getting pregnant with her 3rd child. Its time to sit her down and tell her straight you cannot look after a toddler 5 days a week as you are physically unable to. If you want to help offer one day a week and tell her you can still get the older 2 kids from school. I am quite shocked your daughter hasn't realised this is to much for you plus its not fair on the toddler who needs constant stimulation.

Wowsers, you have been so kind for so long.Well done. I bet you've established lovely relationships with them from all your loving care. My suggestions are two fold..

1. Explain that you can no longer have the baby because your strength is failing. That you've noticed your core is not as strong and the impact is that you can no longer carry the baby or prevent the wriggling during nappy changes and bath time. And that as the baby starts to toddle, you are weak at getting them up after falls. This way, it's not you letting them down, she'll just take it that old age came and got you and that at some point that was going to be inevitable. It will prompt her to find alternative because the safety of the baby will be paramount to her.
2. My personal opinion is that you should not pay towards nursery. You've contributed 1000s already. What you could do is the leg work of finding and screening local childcare, which childminders have availability in your area and researching nursery spaces and costs. You could gather their Ofsted reports for her and give her a shortlist. You could visit with her. All those are valuable contributions.

Good luck

You sound so lovely, and it’s really kind that you want to help and spend time with your grandchildren too. But it really is such a lot for you to be doing, especially with the caring responsibilities you likely have with your husband. How do you think your daughter will react if you explain you’re finding it all a bit much? I’m sure there is a compromise to be found.

Don’t forget that if (when) you end up getting run down or poorly yourself, there would be three children, you, and your husband that your daughter has to make arrangements to find help with, so taking pre-emptive steps to avoid that happening now is actually of benefit to all of you

It's insane that your daughter didn't factor in your age into the decision to have a baby this late in her life. It's one thing asking grandparents to do childcare if you're having babies in your 20s, but beyond that, you're asking too much.

YANBU your daughter chose to have a third child ultimately it’s her responsibility

I am 60 with a husband who is fit and healthy. I have my grandsons every Monday from 7.15 to 5.15. They are 3 1/2 and 23 months. I absolutely love having them and do lots with them . When they go home I am shattered. In the summer I did Monday and Wednesday a couple of times to cover nursery closures. I deliberately didn't do Mon/ Tues so I had a rest day in between. Mon to Fri with a young child at 80 is a huge ask. I couldn't do it at 60 ,especially if I had caring duties for my husband added on. I can understand having the older 2 after school but it's still a massive commitment of your time . You are completely reasonable to say that you can't have the younger one anymore.

She shouldn’t have had a 3rd child without considering childcare. She can’t really be expecting a lady of nearly 80 with other caring responsibilities to look after a baby all day. You do need to speak to her. You are not unreasonable at all. A lot changes in 10yrs.

I hope this doesn't come across rudely but your daughter at the very least should have asked if you would be OK having a baby. Your circumstances were different ten years ago. To just assume that you'd be fine looking after a baby at 80 with a husband who also requires care is NOT acceptable I suspect your daughter is well aware of this! Also if you are looking after baby 9 till 3.30 she can put the baby in nursery it is likely she would receive 30 hours free childcare anyway.

@five5five
This is nonsense.

I am thinking of asking my mum for 1 day a week for 1 child when he turns 3... she's 72.
She offered to look after.them full time but i declined as it wpuld be incredibly selfish pf me to accept. Also I dont want her breaking her back for me... I care about her health and happiness....

With 2 kids including school hols etc..you've already saved your DD at least 250k net income or so with the childcare you've provided over a decade. That's a conservative estimate.

Im sure you love her but honestly she sounds fucking cheeky.

Also no offence but even if you are sprightly at 80 it likely isnt safe / right to be looking after an 18m old your mobility reflexes and energy levels etc. rightly! won't be as high as they were.

I would say that an 80yo providing full time childcare for a 14 month old, whilst caring for a spouse with dementia is actively dangerous. To all concerned. Perhaps tell it to her like that - and yes if you can offer some financial help for childcare I imagine that would be very useful. She seems to have made a strange decision having another baby under these circumstances. My mum is 78 and I’m doing all the cooking, cleaning and caring for her now. These situations can turn pretty quickly. A few months ago, my mum didn’t need any of that.

Is there a reason they are not in touch with his side of the family?? I know of people that don't speak to one side as they used them so much they ended up cutting contact.

I thought similar. I suspect they cut them off because they grew tired of being taken advantage of. I think it's also likely that when the OP stands up and says no more the same will probably happen to her.

My mum is in good health, turns 71 next year and has my 3 year old DS 1 day a week. I’ve already told her I’m happy to increase his nursery hours as I’m aware she’s getting older, if I had another baby I wouldn’t dream of asking her to take them on as well. Hopefully your daughter will accept with good grace that you can’t provide the childcare you did 10 years ago, don’t let her make you feel guilty.

If the baby is 14 months old then they qualify for “30 hours free” term time, why isn’t she using this?
Gosh, if you’re are doing Mon - Fri with the baby & afterschool for the other two you are saving them £1000’s a year.
Sorry, but they are taking advantage of you, especially as your husband needs care.

You can't be the carer for a mobile baby and an elderly husband with increasing dementia and mobility issues. Both together need more care and supervision than 1 person can safely provide.

You've saved your daughter and her husband thousands and thousands of pounds over the year but you can't continue and she's being extremely unreasonable to expect an 80 year old to do so. She chose to have a baby and she's going to have to provide care for the baby. You've aged out.

The cheeky mare! Who expects their 80 year old mum to do 40 hours of childcare a week 10 years after the first one? I would never.

This. You’ve gone above and beyond.

Please, please do not offer a financial contribution. She will get a significant amount of government assistance for childcare. It will not cost her very much at all. You have more than done your bit.

I would tell her that you cant manage any more and that she will need to find alternative childcare for when the kids go back next term. If you absolutely must you could say that you can still have the eldest after school for three nights a week but that the baby will need to go into nursery. Tell her asap since she will need to find a nursery place. I suspect she will say she can't possibly find a nursery place for the beginning of january (and this may well be true). If she says this then tell her that she will need to take some parental leave whilst she makes arrangements.

You sound absolutely wonderful OP! What an amazing women you are and if she is anything other than absurdly grateful to you for everything you have done so far then she needs a big wake up call.