To tell our daughter we can’t manage the childcare anymore?

[five5five]

Our daughter 43 has 3 children the older two are in primary school and when she returned to work I did say I would have the girls while she worked to save with costs.
This was 10 years ago and while I have kept to my promise she now has another baby and I don’t think I am the best person to be looking after a baby.
I will be 80 next year and my husband has mobility difficulties and early onset dementia so I am also caring for him so it’s only me who really looks after them but I know she relies on me as childcare will cripple them.
I was very happy to have them when I offered and I don’t want to sound like I’m dropping her now with a baby but the older girls are in school so I only need to pick them up and have them here a couple of hours but we are older now and I am starting to feel it and really I’m finding it a lot and a baby is a lot more work than a 6 and 10.
I also have other grandchildren I look after although not on a regular basis so more as and when needed so sometimes I have had all 6 in.
AIBU to go back on my offer now there is 3 as I don’t honestly think I am the best choice of care for a baby and I would struggle full time.
I know it doesn’t suit my husband to have a baby around the house all day.

OP. You sound lovely, and I can see you are trying to help them as much as you can, but I think this is the wrong way to go about it. I think you need to be realistic about what you will be able to offer going forward. There's no point having this conversation with your dd and tying yourself into another agreement which wont be suitable in a couple of years. You need to set out how you need to reduce their reliance on you. Maybe you can't take the baby from January. You cut down on evenings with the older 2 at Easter, no holiday care, and no looking after them beyond the end of the school year. It might seem harsh to you now, but ultimately you are doing her a kindness in the long run. At some point you won't be able to care for them, whether due to your husband's dementia or your own health. They need to have things in place before it gets to that point.

Definately not being unreasonable. You could always just say it wont work with your husband having dementia. Then no one can say youre going back on your offer. Not that they should anyway. You are 10 years older now and cant be expected to care for a baby.

You must talk to you daughter and be honest about what you can do. It may be that she is presuming you will care for the new baby - but she may also be seriously considering whether it is too much too. I’m so sorry that you have caring responsibilities from both end - both your Grandchildren and your husband. This must be very draining and challenging.

I have a young daughter, and my mother cares for her once a week. Yes, it is wonderful as they spend time together and yes, we do save some money. However, I would feel awful if she wasn’t up for it and no longer got enjoyment from the experience. You have already raised your children. Anything you can offer in childcare is a favour and a bonus and should be treated as much.

As many other posters have said, free childcare hours have recently expanded. This makes a huge difference to the cost of nurseries/ childminders which would not have been around for the two eldest.

I hope that this can be resolved so you can continue to spend quality time with your grandchild, but at a level which isn’t detrimental to you! And perhaps you could speak to your daughter/ other children about support which you need, especially in caring for your husband.

@five5five no you don’t need to carry on, nor should you be paying her to send the kids elsewhere. You’ve more than done your fair share.

Bloody hell, you are so not being unreasonable. She should have asked before they tried for a third, not just assumed.
Please step right back, and only offer financial help if you really have the money to spare and you don’t have to cut back on anything or deprive yourself of anything.

Your DD is very very unreasonable. If she chooses to have a child at that age then be it on her head to sort the childcare.

You don’t owe her anything, she sounds quite inconsiderate I’m sorry to say.

YANBU at all. You have done so much already – way, way more than any grandparent I know. Now you have your own things to tend to and you also deserve some time to do the things that you want to do and to look after yourself.

I'm also wondering if the 1% who votes against the grain on questions that seem obvious to the rest of us is the same person each time ...

It's not throwing a spanner in the works. It's being honest.

The baby is a toddler, and should be entitled to 30 hours free childcare surely? So just give them 3 months notice (to the end of February) which gives them plenty of time to find a nursery. Perhaps offer to do 1 day a week?

She should have asked before she went ahead and had another knowing full well your age.

You need to be blunt here: you weren't asked, it's long after the fact of the older two children, and you can't do it anymore. She has until X date after the holidays to sort out alternative childcare for the baby. You can do emergencies / sick days on occasion.

Frankly, she's taking the piss and should have asked. She also should have saved up while her childcare was being covered .

It's better for the baby to be in crèche or with a childminder. They are geared towards little ones in a way you cannot manage with your husband's condition. You've gone more than enough.

I'm also wondering if the 1% who votes against the grain on questions that seem obvious to the rest of us is the same person each time ...

There's at least one person who goes around saying, "I voted YABU because YABU to have put up with this for so long" 🙄. And of course, there are those who press the wrong button.

You poor lady enough on your plate with yout husband. Tell your daughter to get someone else explain its taking it out of you and you cannot take on a child.

Think of yourself, you have helped out enormously its time to think of you. Good luck with it all its must be very hard what you going through.

"AIBU to go back on my offer now there is 3 as I don’t honestly think I am the best choice of care for a baby and I would struggle full time."

You are NOT going back on your offer - circumstances have changed, on both sides.

In the past, you and your husband jointly looked after two children, and you were ten years younger. Now, your husband's mobility issues and early dementia means all care is down to just you, plus you are also caring for your husband, and your daughter added a baby to the mix. You never offered to care for four people simultaneously, and it's frankly extremely selfish of your daughter to be so blind to YOUR needs.

Point out to her the change in circumstances since ten years ago - although frankly she shouldn't need it pointed out, she's got eyes - but apparently it does need to be pointed out and you MUST do this.

I might also throw in that you've saved her a fortune over the past decade. She should be thankful for that, not greedily piling on more.

I can't believe she is asking you to look after a baby aged 80! Even at 70 if you have been looking after them for 10 years. It's a lot!

Maybe ask her if she can help with your DH instead!

I hope your talk goes well. I am not sure I would expect my 80 year old mother to look after a baby. Nothing to say an older person can't manage, but to me that is full on especially as they become more active.
Surely your DD should have been more considerate when she had the baby in thinking that it is not ok to expect elderly parents to raise another child.

It’s incredible that she’s expecting you to look after a baby!

If it isnt ok with her frankly that is not your problem. I had lots of help from my mum for childcare and she would happily have continued to have both of mine every day in working hours however even then, and she under 70 so much younger, I still put both of them in childcare for their free hours plus some to limit the strain on her as it is a lot. At one point both of them went every afternoon and she only had them mornings. Now they are at school, we work around drop offs mixing in paid for after school clubs and only ask for her help when really stuck.

I appreciate you are worried about the cost for her but please dont give her any money. You need to have money for yourselves for retirement and the children really arent your responsibility. No sensible intelligent person has kids without thinking about how it will work if whatever plans they think they have fall through. What if you had died, or her partner had, or one of their children had additional needs etc. She really shouldnt have had a third if things are that dire finanically (and if they are, she definitely will get some childcare hours, childcare tax account which makes paid for childcare cheaper, and child benefit that could be used for childcare).

Exactly

Hard disagree. This lively lady agreed to look free two children ten years ago. She can absolutely say no to the baby now.

i would never expect my eighty year old mother to look after a baby! Particularly if she had caring responsibilities for my father.

OP please explain to your daughter it is just too much and you can’t do it: no need to negotiate fewer days - just say no. If your daughter is a normal, decent person she will understand. Her baby is the responsibility of her and her husband. Not you. You can’t still be a sitting granny without providing thousands of pounds worth of free childcare!

I am alarmed that people are suggesting that OP looks after the toddler for a couple of days a week, or continues until alternative childcare is sorted out. How long should that go on for when someone in OPs position is struggling? Those struggles will only get worse.

Some people have not realised how challenging it is looking after a toddler being 79 years old and caring for a husband with dementia (which sadly will only get worse and depending on the type could progress slowly or very quickly). A single full day looking after a toddler can be challenging for grandparents 2 decades younger even when there are two of them looking after the little one. How on earth OP has managed to look after a toddler and older grandchildren as much as she has done and for so long, is beyond me.

It is up to the parents to sort out alternative care. If OP became incapacitated today, they would have to sort something out from tomorrow for all three children.

I really hope that OP’s DD recognises and is grateful for how much support her family have had over the last decade and agrees that now is the time for OP to step back and stop looking after the toddler.

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable. My partner and I are in our late 60s and care for our young grandson 2-3 days (or nights) when his mum works.
It is REALLY hard.
I remembered caring for babies/toddlers was hard with our own but I don't think I really considered how heavy a baby (and all the equipment is to manage when you're older. Or that you often feel too tired to do anything after even 3-4 hours with a little one.
We are hoping to arrange nursery for at least one afternoon (sadly the other days are weekends so no nursery open) and have offered to pay that until her 30 hours free childcare kicks in next year.
I hear what everyone says about your daughter being selfish and must agree given your age/DH diagnosis and caring for the other two children after school.

However, in her defence I think a lot of children don't "see" their parents getting older and unless you tell them, they just assume their parents can do everything they did in their younger years. She is taking it for granted that you are still okay for babycare.
But I honestly don't know how you are coping given your age - especially when your partner can't help.
IF you feel up to it, you could offer to have baby one afternoon each week if you really want to help keep childcare costs down but quite honestly, I think you've done much more than most elderly parents I wouldn't be up to that if I was 10 years older!
As others have said, you are now a lot older than when you made the original agreement and DD definitely needs to arrange childcare.
Please speak to your daughter asap and let her know you are really struggling and although you want to help, your age means you just can't do what you managed in the past..

First of all hats off for all the caring you are doing. Dementia care is 24/7 and draining. You need to cut back. After school care 3-5.30 might still be okay, but a baby as well I do not think can be done.

OP you are being treated so unfairly. At your age and with your husband's needs - I can not fathom how your DD feels comfortable doing this!

I have 4 children - also with little family support. We had 4 knowing our capacity and work flexibility. People should not have kids with the expectation that the grandparent will look after them. It is selfish and entitled.

Don't be railroaded into this - hope the talk goes well.