To tell our daughter we can’t manage the childcare anymore?

[five5five]

Our daughter 43 has 3 children the older two are in primary school and when she returned to work I did say I would have the girls while she worked to save with costs.
This was 10 years ago and while I have kept to my promise she now has another baby and I don’t think I am the best person to be looking after a baby.
I will be 80 next year and my husband has mobility difficulties and early onset dementia so I am also caring for him so it’s only me who really looks after them but I know she relies on me as childcare will cripple them.
I was very happy to have them when I offered and I don’t want to sound like I’m dropping her now with a baby but the older girls are in school so I only need to pick them up and have them here a couple of hours but we are older now and I am starting to feel it and really I’m finding it a lot and a baby is a lot more work than a 6 and 10.
I also have other grandchildren I look after although not on a regular basis so more as and when needed so sometimes I have had all 6 in.
AIBU to go back on my offer now there is 3 as I don’t honestly think I am the best choice of care for a baby and I would struggle full time.
I know it doesn’t suit my husband to have a baby around the house all day.

I can't believe you're actually doing any child care! Your daughter needs a kick up the backside and a lesson in humanity (as well as contraception). You know she'll run a mile if you and your DH ever need any help. She'll be on Mumsnet talking about entitled parents and "boundaries".

Oh my god. I can not believe that you are being expected to provide this much childcare. You sound like a wonderful grandparent but this is beyond ridiculous on your daughter and her husband's part.

There is no way you should be expected to look after a baby when you have your husband to look after and you're nearly 80! Say I'm very sorry but things have changed, you're older now and it's too much for you. People shouldn't have another child and just assume their parents will take responsibility for them! They should be helping YOU out by now!

Your daughter is ridiculous to expect you to do this, some people are so self absorbed. Most of us consider the cost of childcare prior to having children.

@five5five not unreasonable at all, you have done this for a decade and I hope she is grateful for everything you have done.

Good plan OP. I hope she takes it well. If she doesn’t then show her this thread, perhaps reading it in black and white will let her see how unreasonable the request is.

@five5five just make sure she gets on looking at nurseries/child minder asap. If not she can take some time off work to look after the baby. Enjoy your retirement at long last x

Has she actually voiced that shes expecting you to provide childcare for baby?? If so she needs to have a long hard look at herself

@five5five Reading all these posts about how everyone is agreeing with you, that you should no longer be expected to provide this childcare, is the easy bit. Now you have to put it into practice!

Have that conversation (easier said than done)! Say you’ll do it until end of January (or before) to give them a chance to sort new childcare out. Don’t give any leeway such as’.until they sort something else out’ else there’d be no incentive to find an alternative. Fully expect your daughter to make you feel like the baddie, but if (when) this happens, if yog’re prepared for this reaction, it’s never so bad. Don’t back down. She should be supporting you and your husband at this stage, not the other way round!

the government childcare subsidy will cover a fair amount of the costs if you could manage one or two days a week, would that be an option until September or so when she can arrange full time care, it’s cheaper from 2. Don’t feel guilty, and don’t be afraid to ask if the older dc can use afterschool care or holiday clubs too

I can’t imagine having a third child with such a big gap, then blithely expecting my parents to look after them all, every blooming day AND holidays!

Did your DD even speak to you about the logistics before going back to work ft after mat leave?

Do you feed the kids at yours before they are picked up at 5:30?

Does your DD even ask if you are coping ok? You are actually doing more childcare than either of their parents.

And yes, what’s the dad doing during the day when he’s off shift?

This is unsustainable.

Dear @five5five you're doing far too much and your DD needs to be made aware that you are struggling

My lovely mum retired at 63 to look after my DD so that I could go back to work full time. She took her here there and everywhere and I'm so grateful for the time and input she had - DD is a credit to her!

When the pandemic hit, DM's mobility wasn't great and when schools started back, she found it so difficult walking to school and back every day, she was devastated but we had a heart to heart and I realised she was struggling, so I changed my hours at work and got DH to do the same so we could coordinate childcare so that DM didn't have to do so much.

She now has DD(14) after school 2-3 times a week (DD walks there herself) and the arrangement works great for us.

Unfortunately DM is still needed to collect my Nephew (10) from school, even though she's now 77 and walks with a stick and a terrible limp 😥but she feels awful and refuses to speak to my brother and his wife about cutting back, she wants to wait till DNephew is at high school....

Anyway, what I'm getting at is that your DD is either oblivious to your struggles and is merrily going about her life thinking you are ok with the arrangement OR she knows you are struggling and is hoping you won't bring it up - you need to speak to her and tell her things have to change

Good luck

You have a 14-month-old baby all day in your 80s plus older kids after school - 5 days a week. And you have been doing it for 10 years! My Mum is in her early 70s and I feel bad asking her just to watch my 10 and 14-year-old for an hour or two while I work. I am on my own. I cannot believe someone would ask this of their mother, especially when you are also supporting your husband. Please tell her you cannot do it anymore

This! You've already done so much. Your daughter is talking the piss now. You should really have been enjoying your retirement now.

You're amazing
I have my 18 month old granddaughter one day a week and I LOVE it but she's pretty exhausting and I'm only 60 !
You need to talk to her.
Things change

You must be exhausted having to look after the grandchildren and your husband. What's going to happen if something happens to you because you are burnt out from it all?

I have two kids a 5 yo and a 3 month old.
My parents and in-laws are all in their 60s and I wouldn't ask them to have either kids every day.

Since the eldest has been 3 the grandparents have had her for the odd day out to provide additional childcare when we have needed extra days not already covered by nursery. This has increased since she started school last year and both sets do a few days each half term and over the longer holidays. From October half term last year my mum has done one after school a week. Originally just playing at home but since baby has come along she takes her to her swimming lesson. My dad comes on another day, picks her up from school, brings her home and then looks after the baby whilst I get the eldest changed and fed ready to go out for another club. My dad then takes her there and goes home.
Whenever my in-laws visit they do the school drop off and pick up for me so have a couple of days when I'm not rushing around.

We have made a real concerted effort to minimise grandparent support and identify the times when it has the biggest impact for the children, us and the grandparents. They want to be helpful and to support us but also i know all the grandparents have had health issues. The best childcare is sustainable childcare. You will be no use to anyone if you do too much get unwell yourself and then can't do anything. My mum was a carer for 3 of my grandparents when my eldest was a baby and it was crippling her. She ended up having an significant injury and from that moment she couldn't do anything and there was a mad rush to get support into place because suddenly my grandparents and someone that could be available all of the time to only the paid carers 4 times a day which was not sufficient.

You need to have a frank and honest conversation about what is manageable. How many days a week can you have your older grandchildren? When is your help most effective? And what support does she need for the smallest? It could be something like picking the smallest up from nursery once or twice a week so she could work some compressed hours and reduce her childcare bill that way? Or taking the baby to nursery and the older kids to school so she can start earlier. Or providing back up for illness
There are lots of ways to help that don't involve you providing all of the care, if that is what you want to do.

I’m twenty years younger than you. I absolutely love looking after children and have done it for most of my life.

But- I could not do what you are doing. It would be way too much for me.

I think your daughter needs to find alternative childcare and give you a break now.

I’ve had to sit down just thinking about what you’re doing!

Just NO WAY op!

No way.

A 14 month old is far, far too much for someone in their 80's. Without an ounce of judgment of your abilities - which must be excellent to have managed what you have - it isn't even safe. In a few months you won't have a hope a catching up with her if she runs off at top speed. She's getting faster while you are getting slower, and she is several years from being sensible.

Children that age are EXHAUSTING. Truth be told, even your DD is old enough at 43 that she won't find it as easy as she did with her first and it just isn't reasonable to ask this of you.

I'm actually rather in favour of later parenting. Most of my friends have had babies quite late (and I was in my 30s) and I personally believe there are huge benefits to that: wiser, calmer parents, and usually an opportunity to take time out to care for them, or at least a financial backing to secure paid childcare.

However, with two children already and an inability to fund childcare or stop work, she should have thought about a third child at her stage of life without landing this baby on you.

.

Absolutely. You’ve done it for 10 years!!!!

you are very entitled to live your retirement.

And I just wanted to add op, you sound like an absolutely wonderful mother and grandmother to have done, and be doing, what you have. Really and truly.

So please don't feel an ounce of guilt about raising this. They have been lucky to have you and it is people like you who help make family life richer and healthier for all the generations. But you have earned the right to step back a little.

Awe this is heartbreaking to read..any daughter that would treat her mother/parents like this is just unfair..i really hope you get things sorted with your daughter and there's no fall out over it all..besides all this you are such a special woman..many daughters would only wish for a mam like you ❤️ xx

So I have two girls. They’re teens and my mum would struggle to have them for a day. Let alone a full time job looking after them. They’re also teens! A baby would be a no no no.

I’m 54 and don’t think I could cope with looking after a 14 month old, 5 days a week every week.

Me neither!