To tell our daughter we can’t manage the childcare anymore?

[five5five]

Our daughter 43 has 3 children the older two are in primary school and when she returned to work I did say I would have the girls while she worked to save with costs.
This was 10 years ago and while I have kept to my promise she now has another baby and I don’t think I am the best person to be looking after a baby.
I will be 80 next year and my husband has mobility difficulties and early onset dementia so I am also caring for him so it’s only me who really looks after them but I know she relies on me as childcare will cripple them.
I was very happy to have them when I offered and I don’t want to sound like I’m dropping her now with a baby but the older girls are in school so I only need to pick them up and have them here a couple of hours but we are older now and I am starting to feel it and really I’m finding it a lot and a baby is a lot more work than a 6 and 10.
I also have other grandchildren I look after although not on a regular basis so more as and when needed so sometimes I have had all 6 in.
AIBU to go back on my offer now there is 3 as I don’t honestly think I am the best choice of care for a baby and I would struggle full time.
I know it doesn’t suit my husband to have a baby around the house all day.

They have both been taking the piss, if he is on shift work I bet he has had days off in some weeks and they've still sent the baby over to you and he's had the whole day child free.
Good luck with your chat, make sure you don't allow her to guilt you into continuing, give her a date you will no longer be having the baby and stick to it.
You really have been a saint, they should have never assumed you would continue after 10yrs.

When did it become common place to have children and assume or expect the grandparents to have them? You’ve done your bit, you had your kids and looked after them now it their turn to look after their own. Your husband has early onset dementia, time to spend the time as you both wish. Childcare is not your responsibility.

This is way too much and your daughter is the one being unreasonable to expect this much from you. My mother is a similar age and I would not dream of landing a baby on her. She had my children for a few days in the summer holidays once they were old enough (not babies).

You are being entirely reasonable, you've done more than enough. I'd start by saying you can't have the baby but keep on looking after the older children if you can, but only after school. School holidays they will need to sort out between them.

Whoever said you are being unreasonable shame on them! You are entitled to your peace and quiet at your ages. You've been a mum and from what I can gather, A fantastic grandmother. Your daughter will have to sort alternative arrangements. Her children are not your responsibility as much as I can see you love them. I live with my mum who is 82 and my 6 yr old son. Even though I'm living with her, I very rarely ask her to babysit him, as I know she's old now and cannot cope. I would feel bad if I dumped him off onto her all the time. I've always said on the occasions I have left him, that if its too much for you I understand. She is direct with me which I'm happy with. Don't feel bad about not being able to cope anymore. You've done your part ❤️

Definitely not unreasonable. My mum is 66, she looks after my little boy once a week (she started this when he turned one and I went back to work). I regularly check that it’s not too much for her. I’m pregnant again with baby number two and have already said that she can let me knows how she feels about looking after number two. My little boys great grandparents are 80 and I wouldn’t dream of having them look after him.

Be careful about offering for all the holidays going forward. How would that work with the youngest too?

dementia is a progressive illness. You need to all be thinking medium and long term here as well, not just kicking the can down the road.

OP as others have said, you have gone above and beyond for 10 years!!!! My mum would sometimes help out when my DC were little and was always there in an emergency, but I knew how tired I was having DC all day so it didn't occur to me that this might be something she could cope with - I am actually shocked that you've done that many hours for this long and your DD hasn't ever stopped to think that it might be too much.

Do not feel bad for a second. If my mum said to me that she was just too old and tired, I would feel ashamed that I'd pushed her too far. And you are right that at 80, you cannot get on the floor/dance about/go the playground in all weathers/do the things that a younger child-minder can do. Not fair on you, your DH or the baby.

All the holidays sounds so much.

My mum never had any of my children on a regular basis, and I don't intend to either when the time comes. I think you've gone over and above, especially given you have more grandchildren who you don't provide care for. I'm excited to become an as and when needed carer for them, but otherwise just helping out rather than being a nanny.

Ultimately, the childcare isn't your responsibility. You have done your mothering and also another decade of grandmothering too.

I remember feeling upset at the time I had little ones, that my mum never lightened the load. But now, at my age, I can see how much of a responsibility caring for children is. And how hard work it is as being older already has diminished my energy.

Be kind to yourself, you need to look after yourself first, before you can support others including your husband.

I hope she takes the news with grace.

They should get 30 hours free childcare for baby unless they are high earners (£100,000 plus).

My granny is 74 and i would leave my 8&6 year old with her for an hour if needed but would prefer not to as they're hard work and she's raised her kids. She'd tell me exactly where to go if I suggested having them full time🤣

You are being wholly reasonable, if she cannot see that then there is something wrong. Hopefully she is just being cheeky and will see it as good whilst it lasted, most people don't have anything like that support.

@five5five - You have looked after the older two - for free!!! - for many years. Plus the new baby for over a year. And now you are offering to contribute to the cost of nursery for the youngest.

You probably have never worked out how much you have saved them. I am guessing neither have your daughter and son in law. I have no idea of current costs of childcare, but you have saved them a HUGE sum. Thousands and thousands and more thousands!

Please don’t feel guilty. They were presumptuous in assuming you’d look after #3 without even asking. Now start looking after yourself and enjoy whatever time you have left with your husband before the dementia overtakes him.

Op your dd is being unfair expecting you to care for a baby in your 70's.
I'm 68 and dd will not have us help other than a few hours while they go for a meal.
She knows we would be too tired.
We give a small contribution to nursery fees.

The 14 month old would get 30 free hours per week.
They need to be in nursery.

@five5five Please please don’t say you will continue looking after the older ones every day. This has to stop. You need to look after yourself now - it will be a marathon, not a sprint (your dh’s dementia journey)..you need all the time, energy and emotional reserves you can get…

Definitely your doing your best and i really think your daughter should understand the work/stress with you looking after your husband and not to mention how your health is. They need to put a plan inplace where they are splitting the shifts with the new baby between them. Thats all very well having kids but you need to look after them and not depend on other family to do it for them.

@five5five 100% agree with this OP.

my colleague was in a similar position, looked after the first grandchild and then her daughter had another without consulting her and expected her to look after that one too! just unbelievably entitled.

just give her notice. Say as at 9th Jan, I will no longer be looking after the baby. Don’t give a reason as no doubt she will try and talk you round

I’ve always looked after grandchildren and beltthis is a good thing to keep you young and active and to support the next generation etc. BUT. No, a 14 month old is one hell of a responsibility at 79 along with the other two. Sorry but I’d say she needs to make alternate arrangements or go part time.

Oh love, she is taking the proverbial. I have my 14 month old DGD one day a week from 07:30 until around 4PM and no school holidays and it is enough, as I caring responsibilities for my elderlies. You DD should be looking after you at nearly 80 and her dad. Completely out of order.

I'm 41 and would never ask my parents to childcare our brood long term, yes they go for the odd weekend now and then that's it. My parents should be enjoying there 60s. They adore the grandkids but the responsibility is mine.

Wow, this is batshit.
You can simply say, "Darling, I am 80, EIGHTY. Daddy has dementia & he's going to decline. Looking after an active baby is impossible,
You will need to look into the free nursery hours & re jig.
I love you all, but I overstretched & fear baby is not in the best hands".
Don't back down. & obviously there will have to be a space of time when she has to get sorted.
Keep looking after the 2 eldest, only if you want to, especially as it may be a breath of fresh air while you become carer for your H

Babysitting occasionally is one thing……..daily childcare is a whole different ballgame! You need to tell your daughter that, because of your advancing years and her father’s poor health you cannot do as much as she expects and needs to make alternative arrangements. Nothing will change unless you start that conversation.

Looking after a baby when also caring for someone with dementia is just too much.

my dad has dementia, my mum is his full time carer. They are late 70’s. I have a 5 year old and cannot and do not expect my mum to do any childcare at all for us. She babysat a few time when my son was under 1 but my dad was much better then.

You must be utterly exhausted!

I'm sorry and I mean this with so much respect for you, but your DD is either extremely ignorant or extremely self-centered, perhaps both.

Please take care of yourself and good luck for tonight.