To tell our daughter we can’t manage the childcare anymore?

[five5five]

Our daughter 43 has 3 children the older two are in primary school and when she returned to work I did say I would have the girls while she worked to save with costs.
This was 10 years ago and while I have kept to my promise she now has another baby and I don’t think I am the best person to be looking after a baby.
I will be 80 next year and my husband has mobility difficulties and early onset dementia so I am also caring for him so it’s only me who really looks after them but I know she relies on me as childcare will cripple them.
I was very happy to have them when I offered and I don’t want to sound like I’m dropping her now with a baby but the older girls are in school so I only need to pick them up and have them here a couple of hours but we are older now and I am starting to feel it and really I’m finding it a lot and a baby is a lot more work than a 6 and 10.
I also have other grandchildren I look after although not on a regular basis so more as and when needed so sometimes I have had all 6 in.
AIBU to go back on my offer now there is 3 as I don’t honestly think I am the best choice of care for a baby and I would struggle full time.
I know it doesn’t suit my husband to have a baby around the house all day.

Your daughter is being utterly unreasonable if she expects you to look after a baby full time. What was she thinking of, having a third baby without being able to afford childcare?
The whole point of being a grandparent is that you get more of the fun bits and less of the stress.
Stand your ground, OP. You've gone above and beyond!

Given your circumstances, your daughter is taking the piss.

A third child is a massive luxury which most people can’t afford these days.

I have not read all the replies but there is much more help with childcare now compared to when her eldest was born. Children receive funded hours from 9 months and she may also be able to access tax free childcare.

If they both work they will get some free hours

@five5five The more I think about it, the stronger I feel that you need to have an extremely frank conversation with your daughter. My mum is the same age as you (and I have three kids), and I am spending a whole day every week with my mum, helping her, and I also do things remotely (like ordering shopping).

I think not only do you need to reiterate that you will no longer do childcare, but you actually need her (and her other siblings) to step up and help you. I feel there is a moral obligation on your children (who have lived close enough for you to do a mammoth amount of childcare for) to step up and return the favour for you, helping out regularly.

Might be low contact with his family because they got fed up of them taking the piss.

Good luck.

If they do fall out with you over this then really are truly using for childcare & see you as that and nothing else.
I wouldn’t dream of asking my mum or MIL to commit to the kind of childcare you provide.

Yeah my mum is in her 60s and does 1 day for my niece - a while week would be too much and her and my dad are in good health! I think you need to gently remind your daughter that it has been 10 years and things have changed a lot during that time. You sound very loving and kind, I’m sure she will understand (but maybe expect her to be cross initially - go into the conversation expecting a kick back from her as she processes and understands what you’re saying)

I'm glad you're going to have a conversation with your daughter, but be prepared for her to persuade you. Stand your ground!

I would never ever have expected my mum to look after my baby full-time. My mum and dad looked after my DS for 2 days a week and he went to nursery the other 2 days when I worked.

I hope you get things sorted. I hope you do not offer a financial contribution either! They must've worked out that they could afford three children otherwise they wouldn't have had the third!

I'm glad you're having a chat op but please don't back down on your plans. It'll be a scary thought for her no doubt but she needs to find a nursery or child minder now and apply for free hours or tax free childcare. Failing that she needs a job with different hours.
This is coming from someone with zero family help (I have none dp has no one he could ask). We have never had any one have our kids in 11 years, it's tough but we manage and so can they. Good luck.

Good luck with the conversation, Op.

Has she tried applying for the 30h free childcare?
If not, ask her to do this and she can use a nursery or childminder 3 days a week with her funding.
Then you could offer to help out with all 3 kiddies 2 days a week amd let her use after school care the other 3 days.
Or she could pay for an additional 2 days childcare for her baby and you could keep picking up the girls... whatever suits you better?
Either way youre still saving her a lot without over doing it yourself, at 80 its too much (im 46 and a CM amd some days its too much for me already lol)

If her husband works shifts, why isn't he looking after the baby on weekdays when he can?

My mum is 84 and no way could she look after a baby or preschooler! Nor should she have to. You will have to tell your daughter you have to cut back, but don't expect her to take it well!

Jesus wept!!
My mum has never looked after our baby for even 10 minutes, nor has she ever even offered, same for all my siblings. Your daughter is lucky to have you and you have done more than enough x

YANBU at all. Your daughter is being blind to what is really involved here because it suits her. Childcare from grandparents really is a luxury extra, it's a great arrangement and benefits all three generations, but it must never be taken for granted.

You shouldn't need to initiate the chat, but if she won't see what's in front of her then you have to I'm afraid.

She should have thought about this and asked you. It was irresponsible and not on for her to assume you'd continue.

My parents kindly offered a day a week to my DS who is now 7. This means they agreed to have DS, not all my children. I just had DS2 and factored into this decision managing childcare without my parents help as it's now 6 years on from when they offered this. They probably will offer, but no one should assume this. GPs age and situations change.

You've helped her out massively over the years.

However your situation, and more of note has your Husbands, has changed.

I don't think you are in a situation other than to offer occasional and emergency help.

Sadly your husband isn't going to get better and his needs will increase - as will your tiredness.

Thinking about dementia sufferers in my immediate family, my Mum and BIL, their care and needs took over normal life.

The other aspect of this is....... (Not knowing how your husband's dementia is presenting) but is this going to be a suitable environment for a toddler to spend a lot of time in.

My niece (who was a young adult then) experienced things that were disturbing when her Dad, my BIL, was on his dementia journey.

All the best in this difficult situation.

I genuinely had no idea there were grandparents who could and do provide literally full time care. That is crazy - when do you get to enjoy your retirement? See your friends? Travel? Watch television in peace? I cannot believe you've done this for over a decade. You are clearly a loving parent and grandparent but this is enough now.

I just wanted to say you sound like a really lovely Mom - your daughter is so lucky to have had your support over the years. The writing is on the wall, your daughter is not stupid. she needs to make alternative arrangements.

This is outrageous and your daughter is taking advantage. Asking an 80 year old to do full time childcare for a one year old plus after school care is madness. When do you get to have some freedom and a life. You’re effectively playing a sahm role as a grandparent.

You deserve a sainthood!

You're being more than reasonable to be honest if you're going to continue to have the older two after school. She only needs paid childcare for one then which she can claim back from UC if she claims it. Hopefully your daughter will realise and see that it isn't doable forever for you to look after a baby five full days a week