To tell our daughter we can’t manage the childcare anymore?

[five5five]

Our daughter 43 has 3 children the older two are in primary school and when she returned to work I did say I would have the girls while she worked to save with costs.
This was 10 years ago and while I have kept to my promise she now has another baby and I don’t think I am the best person to be looking after a baby.
I will be 80 next year and my husband has mobility difficulties and early onset dementia so I am also caring for him so it’s only me who really looks after them but I know she relies on me as childcare will cripple them.
I was very happy to have them when I offered and I don’t want to sound like I’m dropping her now with a baby but the older girls are in school so I only need to pick them up and have them here a couple of hours but we are older now and I am starting to feel it and really I’m finding it a lot and a baby is a lot more work than a 6 and 10.
I also have other grandchildren I look after although not on a regular basis so more as and when needed so sometimes I have had all 6 in.
AIBU to go back on my offer now there is 3 as I don’t honestly think I am the best choice of care for a baby and I would struggle full time.
I know it doesn’t suit my husband to have a baby around the house all day.

Unless you are well off and won't miss the contribution, why on earth should you..

I am astounded that in her 40's with 2 primary school aged children, she went and had another baby. She is stunningly selfish to expect you to pick up the childcare OP.

I think this thread is pretty much unanimous. Please give notice and spend this time with your DH and on yourself, resting up, pottering around, meeting a friend for lunch etc.

I am 30 years younger than you and I could not look after a 14m old now, not even for a day. You must be exhausted. Tell her and give yourself a break from all this.

You’re nearly 80, of course you shouldn’t be looking after a baby full time plus your DH. What’s going to happen when baby gets mobile and no longer naps?
you need to talk to your daughter and say it can’t continue

Situations and times change what was okay in the beginning isn't working now
I honestly think you have to explain about your own wellbeing and husbands health/dementia telling her that at your age you cannot do it anymore.
I feel that she somehow knows about the unfairness she's inflicted so unless you say she'll turn a blind eye and when you do speak to her she may accuse you of being selfish etc.
So be ready for some possible comeback but stick to your guns
There must be now some subsided nursery/school scheme which she couldve used; she probably knows this but had you instead assuming that you'd always play along
Well she can now,
Put the ball firmly in her court.

Did they discuss having a third with you to see if you’d be okay to help for the next however many years on top of what you already do? It sounds like she just went ahead and assumed which I find very selfish.

I think everyone who works full time is entitled to 30 hours free childcare from 9 month so your daughter can look into that.

At your age, it's crazy for her to expect that much help. She may not have really thought about your age or realised how much more challenging childcare is becoming for you, but she really ought to have discussed it with you before ttc again. A lot changes in ten years, especially between 70 and 80!

It may be difficult for her, but that's life. You deserve a break. If you're able to help financially, that's wonderful, but ultimately it's her own responsibility to see to it that her children are cared for.

I’m sorry, your daughter is being ridiculous if she thinks relying on you to look after a preschooler long term is viable. Just be straight up. Tell her you are in your 9th decade, there’s a reason why women in their 9th decade are not able to have babies. She needs to sort out something more viable than expecting you to run round after a toddler

Childcare won't cost her much. She needs to stop abusing your kindness.

I cannot believe what I'm reading tbh. What selfish mother expects their 80 Yr mother to run around after their baby 5 days a week. I do 2 days and am exhausted by that and am considerably younger than you.

This. You have done so much for her, saved her thousands and thousands of pounds, you have done more than enough. Not only do you not “need” to make a financial contribution, I hope your DD wouldn’t even consider suggesting that you do.

OP, please consider why you are doing so much for your dd and not for your other children? And what it is costing you in time and energy that you can't give to your husband.
It sounds as though this dd is getting a lot of you and therefore other people are getting less. I would be concerned as to what it will do to your relationships with your other children if this dd is always the priority. And (presuming they dont live a long way away) please don't think that they wouldn't want the help because they don't ask for it - I'm sure they just don't want to ask because they can see (as should your dd) you are already doing far too much.

She’s taking you for a mug. I’m 46 and would find it tiring to have a baby / toddler from Monday to Friday. If she can’t afford childcare then she shouldn’t have had another child.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. And I rely on my (much younger) mum for childcare. Your daughter surely won’t have assumed you will care for the baby for the duration that is needed given that you’ll be 90 when the baby will be 10? If you’re in a position to offer financial help with the baby that would be nice, but shouldn’t in any way be expected.

Although I do get you can’t care for the baby full time, if I was in your daughters position I also don’t think I would be comfortable continuing with a grandparent caring for the older two whilst the youngest went to a childcare setting. I would feel I was making a difference between my children and therefore would probably look to move all to childcare.

@five5five She is taking the absolute piss - looking at your previous replies it doesn't seem like she raised the idea of having another with you or bothered to check if you could actually manage at all.. Just landed it on you with the total expectation you'd provide full time free childcare!

Tell her you can't - give her a months notice to find an alternative. Unless you can VERY easily afford to help financially (ie, it will not cause you to need to alter your own budget, won't risk your savings dropping dangerously low) then don't do that either.

You have already saved her tens of thousands of pounds. There is help toward childcare now that she could access if she bothered to look for it and pull her fingure out.

You already have more than enough to be doing and your health and your husbands care HAVE to be a higher priority than minding your daughters children.

You owe her nothing at all.

She and her partner have asked too much of you over the years, or accepted too much at least. You have saved them the hassle of finding care and a fortune in paying for it. They have been selfish and thoughtless just assuming you can start all over again in your late 70s.

I am suprised your other children haven't said something by now as she is has been taking the piss. Have none of them told her it's not on? Or said anything to you?

No way should you be paying towards childcare when you have done it unpaid for them for a decade and saved them money.

I also think, although I know it's not a popular view, you shouldn't commit to payments for one child unless you can for all of them. I mean for your adult children, not your grandchildren. Unless you are prepared to give them all money for years then don't do it for one. How often do we see on here threads like "my parents are giving my sibling money for a house deposit while I get by myself." It's already been uneven the time you have spent with one set of grandchildren over the others and the help you have given one adult daughter over her siblings.

YANBU I think you’ve done more than enough childcare for her but she needs to find some alternative childcare for the baby. I don’t know how you’re managing to look after your husband and a baby. I think now would be a good time to sit your daughter down and just be honest with her and tell her that you can continue to look after the older 2 after school like you have been doing but looking after the baby and your husband is just too much for you on your own.

I am honestly in shock your daughter is leaving her baby all day and week with someone who is nearly 80. You have offered enough help over the years and she needs to put the baby in nursery now she is back at work. Sorry OP but you need to be looking after yourself not a baby at this age!

My mother has never once looked after my son. Never helped me with a school run. Never taken him to the dentist whilst was at work etc.

When I was 13 she said “I don’t want to be a grandmother” so as far as she’s concerned, she isn’t.

You’ve done more than most have done for your daughter. She should have thought about child care before having another child.

The older kids are at school, so only need care for 2 hours in the evening. Whereas the baby needs care all day - so I think it would be fine on this occasion for baby to be in childcare and the older two to go to OP's after school.

No it’s time to think about you. Toddlers are active and you have to think of your husbands needs to. I think your idea of paying towards a childminder is generous and sounds like your daughter could benefit from this plus your grandchild would get to socialise. My parents are in their 70’s and I couldn’t imagine giving them a baby to look after all day they would find it to much.

Wow that is a lot! You are incredible for offering so much childcare for so long. Definitely speak to your daughter this can’t be sustainable for you.

I don't see how you can look after a toddler and a DH with growing dementia. Your DD ought to have considered this. She needs to make new arrangements for the baby because even if you are managing now, how will it be with a 3 year-old? Not safe, apart from anything else.

You sound like a loving grandparent and parent. You must be honest with your daughter, you have done your bit doing childcare for years. I would be absolutely delighted if my mum were so invested in our lives as we pay for childcare. Your daughter is very fortunate.

Same here. The kids are their problem not the grandparents. If you can't afford the child care don't have them. The OP is being used. Time for it to stop.

Sorry I haven’t answered much, it’s been hard to keep up with so many replies.
I have read all the comments and thanks to everyone who’s taken the time to post.
I have asked her if we can have a chat this evening if she’s got time and she has so I will explain it’s not going to work long term and she’s going to have to make alternative plans.

I will happily have the older girls in the holidays and for the two hours after school but that’s all I can offer and my husband agrees that’s doable but not the baby.
I really hope she understands.
I don’t know why they don’t have any contact with his family but it’s been that way a while so I suppose I didn’t want to upset them and our relationship go the same way but I’m sure it won’t come to that as we’ve always been a close family.
Thanks again for your support.

Wow, nope! My parents did a day for us (mum is a bit younger than you) and I was under no illusions that they would do any more than that. Full time is unbelievable!