To tell our daughter we can’t manage the childcare anymore?

[five5five]

Our daughter 43 has 3 children the older two are in primary school and when she returned to work I did say I would have the girls while she worked to save with costs.
This was 10 years ago and while I have kept to my promise she now has another baby and I don’t think I am the best person to be looking after a baby.
I will be 80 next year and my husband has mobility difficulties and early onset dementia so I am also caring for him so it’s only me who really looks after them but I know she relies on me as childcare will cripple them.
I was very happy to have them when I offered and I don’t want to sound like I’m dropping her now with a baby but the older girls are in school so I only need to pick them up and have them here a couple of hours but we are older now and I am starting to feel it and really I’m finding it a lot and a baby is a lot more work than a 6 and 10.
I also have other grandchildren I look after although not on a regular basis so more as and when needed so sometimes I have had all 6 in.
AIBU to go back on my offer now there is 3 as I don’t honestly think I am the best choice of care for a baby and I would struggle full time.
I know it doesn’t suit my husband to have a baby around the house all day.

I haven't read the thread but my first thought is that she absolutely should of known this wasn't going to go on this long. It's silly for her to think you can keep doing this into your 80s, it absolutely needs to be reassessed. Time for a rest x

Your daughter has been selfish and imposed on you far too much already. She needs to take responsibility and sort out paid childcare. I also include the two older children in that because otherwise she’ll use them as examples of why you should be collecting the youngest from school too when you’re almost 90!

Tell your daughter you’re no longer able to do any regular childcare for her. Point her towards the After School Club and a nursery for the baby. You need to look after yourself and your husband now. If you want to ‘outsource’ the decision, tell her your doctor has said you shouldn’t do it, and also tell her that your friends’ daughters use childcare/Wraparound care and it works well. Don’t be swayed. Just keep repeating that you can no longer do it after X date (you could say Jan 31st or earlier).

I've not read the whole thread but you need to start thinking of care for yourself and your husband (and then your DD might get her head out of her arse and realise the situation requires change).

If you've not already had one, ask for a Carer's assessment for you and a Needs assessment for your husband. Get Social Services involved as they can be a great help and also get the house altered for your DH's mobility and cognitive needs.

Start to talk to the entire family about care needs and how things will have to be put in place now or at least, very soon.

Looking after someone with dementia is utterly exhausting, so you need to be ahead of the curve and implement things before they're needed or you will reach breaking point.

If your family are selfish arses, then you're going to be on your own anyway, so best you know sooner than later. If they're just fucking clueless, then this might be a useful wake up call that they will have to sort their OWN childen out now.

Work out what you CAN or WANT do and tell them. That's all you can do, if they kick off that's on them and given the amount of time and money you've saved them over the years, that would be very disappointing.

It isn’t reasonable to expect you to look after her all day every day. Among my friends, we ask our parents to look after a baby/toddler one day a week to keep nursery costs down and to give the baby a break from nursery/bonding time with grandma. You seem very kind and thoughtful, I hope your daughter reacts reasonably when you explain you are finding it hard.

Also to add, my dads girlfriend does this for her daughter. She's about 70 now and utterly exhausted.
All she ever says is how she can't do this anymore and yet she keep going and going. They argue about it but her daughter just says there's nothing she can do as she can't afford childcare.
Unfortunately that's her problem to resolve, she's literally taken her mothers retirement away from her and doesn't even seem grateful.

This is insane and more childcare that I know anyone to get, even people with very supportive parents. We get zero help from grandparents (my mother has to work full time and loves hours away and my in laws are abroad) so my empathy is low for your daughter. How does she think other people cope? We stopped at 2 children as it’s all we can manage between ourselves. She chose to have another baby knowing you are the primary caregiver at 80!! She is taking the piss. So selfish of her honestly and is now for her to sort out.

Yes she should take advantage of the 30 hours free child care. I’m much younger and had grandchildren from two so sons 1,2,3,4. So much easier when they’re bigger. My husband was ill for a lot of this time and I found it really tough going. He’s better and they’re bigger but I’m much younger than you. You are a saint and I hope your appreciated. ❤️

As someone who relies heavily on parental support for childcare, you are not being at all unreasonable. Circumstances change and you have more than done enough! If you can give them some notice to find an alternative situation that would be really helpful but if you can’t manage that don’t feel bad.

This is not fair. My mum is nearly 80 and she has my girls 10 & 12 over for a sleep over twice a year... and that knackers her out! She comes to mine every week and WE LOOK AFTER HER.
I work full time and would never ever have expected my mum to look after my babies full-time. Not even 10 years ago.

YANBU. Time for a full and frank discussion. My aunt who looked after my cousins two sons, told her daughter that she was welcome to have more children but she wouldn’t be looking after them, as it would impact on her health. My cousin stuck to two children even though her husband wanted another (his own mother lived in wales so couldn’t help permanently). They stuck to two children.

When we had ours we had a mix of nursery days to ensure both grandmothers had enough rest time. Then when they were at school and younger I was able to work 30 hours across 5 days a week so I could do most of the drop offs and pick ups myself. We used afterschool
clubs and it was only in the holidays we needed help.

Your daughter is being incredibly unreasonable and tbh not that she needs to ask to have a third baby but should have confirmed (or realised herself!) whether childcare full time would be feasible should she have another.

Don't offer to split costs- welcome to the real world. You can't have as many kids as you want, work whenever you want and benefit from the money to the detriment to your older mother. She's being very unreasonable.

I could offer a financial contribution towards childcare for the youngest until she is at school if that’s a fair compromise

There is no compromise needed in this situation. You don’t owe her anything!

What kind of parent would expect people in their 70/80's to look after babies and toddlers full time. Even if they are "fit and healthy" mumsnet type OAP, looking after a toddler exhausts me in my 30's!!

If shes a single parent she will get childcare heavily subsidised anyway.

And pick up the other kids too.

My 80 year old mum has my dog two days a week and I’m starting to feel bad even though she says she loves it. 5 days a week with a toddler and a sick husband is too much. Presumably your husband is your daughter’s dad and she is aware of the situation.

Tell her, kindly, that you can’t do it any more. Give her ‘notice’ so that she has time to find a solution. What would she do if there was a sudden crisis with your husband and you weren’t able to help at very short notice?

I’m a bit surprised she has to be told this is not right. You’re nearly 80 and your husband is unwell and she wants you to have a baby all day Monday to Friday?! I lost my dear mum at 74 she might have wanted to but she couldn’t have kept up that gruelling schedule. It’s not you that’s putting a spanner in the works I feel really sorry for you.

This 💯

Surely she didn't expect to keep having more children and you just continue to look after them all??

DO NOT GIVE HER ANY MONEY EITHER!!! She will absolutely take the piss out of you again. She’s shown she isn’t reasonable by the unfair expectations of you and you already have a hard time setting boundaries with her. No money! You will need that to help care for her Dad as his illness progresses. She’s also saved thousands upon thousands by having an unpaid full time nanny (you).

Wow! What kind of person fobs a baby off on a 79 year old?

My dad is 79 (same age as Op?) and the last time I left my dog with him for the day he got locked out and crashed his car. So clearly it’s too much for him. Hope that gives the op some perspective.

I can't believe your 43 year old daughter is happy for her EIGHTY year old mother to do full-time childcare for her baby. Disgusting.

I'm sorry but your daughter is extraordinarily selfish! Who on earth just assumes anyone in their 80s would look after a baby Mon-Fri for all those hours?!!!
Christ I am very lucky ky parents have my 2 who are now in primary and secondary, for a few hours 2 days a week after school. I would never ask or assume for more, and ky parents are in their 70s.
Add to the fact that your dh is ill, what is your daughter thinking!

poor lady. its disgusting isn't it.

just expecting elderly parents to provide childcare in perpetuity as if looking after small children all day isn't completely draining. let alone being 70+ years old.

absolutely heartless of them, after they've wrung her dry for 10 years of free childcare. Not like they consulted her before they got pregnant.

Well, when I signed my first child up for nursery I didn't think I could just keeping adding more for the same fee. Same thing here, you need a chat with her or have one of her siblings help you navigate this convo. You do not need to supplement her family planning choices.

Also, if she has been working for 10 years, her income is different now to when she started. Have they bought a house or paid off the mortgage or done anything useful with the HUGE savings you have given her? I was in £2k debt for childcare fee when my kids went to school because I chose not to land my responsabilities on my mum.