To tell our daughter we can’t manage the childcare anymore?

[five5five]

Our daughter 43 has 3 children the older two are in primary school and when she returned to work I did say I would have the girls while she worked to save with costs.
This was 10 years ago and while I have kept to my promise she now has another baby and I don’t think I am the best person to be looking after a baby.
I will be 80 next year and my husband has mobility difficulties and early onset dementia so I am also caring for him so it’s only me who really looks after them but I know she relies on me as childcare will cripple them.
I was very happy to have them when I offered and I don’t want to sound like I’m dropping her now with a baby but the older girls are in school so I only need to pick them up and have them here a couple of hours but we are older now and I am starting to feel it and really I’m finding it a lot and a baby is a lot more work than a 6 and 10.
I also have other grandchildren I look after although not on a regular basis so more as and when needed so sometimes I have had all 6 in.
AIBU to go back on my offer now there is 3 as I don’t honestly think I am the best choice of care for a baby and I would struggle full time.
I know it doesn’t suit my husband to have a baby around the house all day.

I told my DC that they'd get 2 days a week pre nursery age, 1 day a week after and same die school age up to 2 children if they have more than 2 it's on them. Ten years and 6 dgc (I have a goddaughter I bring her DC up as my dgc as we lost her mother) later I'm knackered and it's nowhere near as easy with this last one as it was with the first and I'm early 60s. I had to intervene at a M and T group last week after a lady in her late70smaybe early 80s poured hot tea over her toddler grandchild whilst moving a toy. The resultant A and E visit was the mothers fault for entrusting care of a young boisterous child to a very elderly and slightly doddery old lady. The poor woman wasn't aware she was pouring tea on the child, she thought the child was crying because she was moving the toy! Only the week before my husband had said I don't think she should be looking after that child.

I'm a fit and healthy 37 year old. A weekend alone with my 16 month old leaves me totally exhausted!

YANBU. That's just too much. Expecting an elderly mum to care for a toddler full time 5 days a week is selfish as hell.

Did she not ask you? Have you never expressed how much it's taking from you to offer childcare? Did you not raise this when she was pregnant? My parents do some childcare and are in their mid / late 70s and have been muttering about slowing down, being more tired, not being able to to do everything they could 10 years ago for some time now. We discuss with them regularly what they can and want to do and we adjust our expectations accordingly.

Your daughter sounds at best tone deaf to your issues and at worst completely disrespectfully disregarding what you might want / need. You sound lovely but without boundaries. Just tell your daughter the baby needs childcare that isn't you and give her a couple of months to sort it out and don't feel guilty!

I think it’s very unfair for your daughter to assume you’d look after the new baby bearing in mind your age and your husbands health. You must be exhausted.

you need to sit down and have a Frank conversation with her. Can one of your other sons/daughters help support you in talking to her

sorry, why are they having more kids if childcare will cripple them?? why are hey relying on an 80 year for everlasting childcare. selfish, selfish, selfish.

9-5.30 with a 14 month old 5 days a week is too much.

You ned to tell her asap OP, so she can make new arrangements this is unsustainable

you don't even need to offer to pay for childcare

My goodness, did she even consult you or ask you if you'd be happy to provide full time care for the new baby? Even without the large age gap in children it would be wrong to assume you could take on the care of each new baby.

YANBU. Let her know asap so she can organise something else. Better to do now than wait til you are completely overwhelmed. She's been lucky to have your help all these years!

That is alot of childcare your doing OP! My mum only does 1 half day for me each week and shes 59! My partners parents are nearly 70 and early seventies and will have my DD and their other 2 grandchildren for 1 afternoon each week and thats it unless we ask in special circumstances now and again.

Im currently pregnant with 2nd and when my other DD is here iv already said to my partner im not expecting his parents to look after the baby aswell as the 3 others when im back at work as thats not fair on them and thats 4/5 hours a week not 5 days a week like your doing. My mum will also not be looking after both my DDs at the same time for at least a couple of years either.

You are well within your rights to ask to either stop childcare or could you manage one full day a week with the baby instead? That will cut it down significantly at least but you still get to spend time with your grandchild that way.

Do what you like, but you certainly aren't obligated to pay for her childcare. She should know the arrangement that was originally for the older kids could change at any time. She should actually have checked in with you that the arrangement is still working, and you're allowed to stop at any time.

You sound like a wonderful person, but please save your strength for looking after your husband.

I did childcare for grandson when I was considerably younger than yourself OP. It was exhausting, your daughter is incredibly entitled you should stop the arrangement at Christmas. Dd used her entitlement for free hours to place dgs in preschool, it was good for him and me. I made it expressly clear that my offer was a one time offer only and wouldn't be repeated should she choose to have more children as I felt it was too much work when I was getting older. Grandson is si now and I have him occasionally to help dd out, it is much nicer when there is no obligation involved.

No, no. She was too selfish to even consider for a moment that it might be too much for you given your age and her fathers condition.

Keep looking at the votes. I don't know who that 1% is, but they're wrong.

I’d find that exhausting and I’m a lot younger than you. It’s outrageous that she hasn’t talked to you about this. It’s very selfish. Does she and her husband do much for you?

I’m outraged on your behalf. How selfish is your daughter?!

My parents are in their 60s, fit and healthy without any additional caring responsibilities, and they’ve offered to do one day a week with my one year old which is more than generous and I think will be knackering for them!

Absolutely totally unreasonable…of your daughter. She will be entitled to free hours so she should be using them not you.

You offered the years ago. Your daughter has made a decision to have a baby in her 40’s and not organising care. You’re 80 years old. It isn’t safe for you to be caring for your husband with dementia and caring for an infant.

Where is your daughter’s husband in all of this. They should have saved a fortune on child care fees and should have increased their income meaning they should be able to afford to put their baby in daycare.

I had my first baby at 40 and all parents (who are still alive) are elderly. Elderly people have issues with depth perception and many are falls risks.

I have zero expectations for child care. Nor have I ever asked my SIL’s or my own siblings for any help. Your daughter needs to either stay home and look after her children or go to work and pay for after school care + holiday care + daycare.

Your daughter should be looking after you and helping with your husband. Not you looking after your grandkids.

Your daughter is also selfish having any expectation of you.

You've done your fair share. Your daughter is being selfish if she expects you have her baby.

My jaw actually dropped that you’re currently looking after her 14month old full time Mon-Fri. It’s tiring enough doing that as their actual mother in your 30s! I bet she’s noticed the difference herself being 10yrs older than with her first! It’s not reasonable to expect this of even the fittest 80yo.

You’ve been brilliant to help so much for so many years but ynbu now to prioritise yourself and your husband. If you can still have the older kids a couple of days great but if you can’t that’s also perfectly reasonable too. You’ve helped beyond measure and saved your daughter 1000s and given the peace of mind that they’re in safe hands.

Hopefully your daughter and sil are incredibly grateful for all you’ve done. But it’s time they took that responsibility off your shoulders. Let them know this is no longer sustainable for you. There are many fantastic nurseries and childminders out there. They should definitely look into the free hours as others have said.

Some people can be in their own bubble and not think of others much so can understand the comments about selfishness, it feels pretty inconsiderate at best. Trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she doesn’t like to think about you ageing too much or hasn’t fully accepted it? You’ve done so much maybe she thinks of you as a bit of a supermum. (I think women in particular are often put in this box). But everyone has their limits and it’s not fair to expect so much from you.

You sound very caring so I’m sure you’ll find it hard to have this conversation with your daughter but it’ll be a weight off when you do. And you can enjoy your grandparent role rather than it being a 9-5.

That is crazy!! You’re nearly 80 with an unwell husband and looking after a toddler 5 days a week? Your dd is taking the piss. Seriously. I’m in my 50s and not sure I could manage that now (even for a beloved GC).
You really need to be having that chat. Your DD decided to have another child so she needs to take responsibility now.

That is far too much for someone decades younger than you, full time childcare for someone else's child , she has taken advantage of you.
Your husband is going to be your 'care' priority for now but you need a break too!
I hope your daughter realises the reality of her expectations of you and sorts a plan out quickly.

If I was your daughter and my mum was nearing 80 I’d definitely have asked if the arrangement would stand if we had another baby. I think she thought it’s better to ask for forgiveness after rather than permission before (and get a no..)
In your position now, I’d send her a message as a pre cursor to a sit down conversation.
’Dd we need to have a conversation about childcare. It’s becoming overwhelming and is affecting my/our health. I’ve given this important topic a great deal of thought as I know it’ll impact you both greatly. From x date I won’t be able to have the baby for you. I think we’ll still be able to manage the older two after school and holidays. I know this might be hard to read but we need to look after our health and the safety of a toddler. We hope you understand this need for change.

No offence, but given your age, you could die . What would she do then? She's completely taken the piss i feel!!! And I wouldnt be offering a financial contribution either.

Who expects an 80yr old to look after a baby full time???? There's a reason women go through the menopause.

What on earth were you thinking of when you took on the baby for full time care five days a week? It’s far too much for anyone and I don’t know a single grandparent who has been willing, or able to do this as they don’t have the energy. Most of those are a couple of decades younger than you and don’t have a husband with what will be increasing health needs. They also have a life of their own and want to do things without being hindered by a baby.

You have been very generous with your time with your other grandchildren, but it is now time for you to step back. Even a full day with a little one is likely to be too much given your age and circumstances. It’s challenging for people even younger than you.

I am sorry to say that your daughter, at the least has not thought this through and at the worst is selfish and self centred and doesn’t care one jot for you, her father or her baby. It’s more likely to be somewhere in the middle.

You need to clearly advise your daughter that you will no longer be able to look after the baby as the demands are too great for you, but you currently can continue with after school care for the older two. You don’t need to go into any lengthy diatribe about the whys and why nots beyond its too much for you given your age and your husbands health which will decline further.

Why should you contribute to childcare costs unless you have a large disposable income and if you do that with your daughter, you should also offer the same to the rest of your children in the interests of fairness. If you can afford to pay out a few thousand a month go ahead, but you also need to consider if you are straying into the territory of deprivation of assets and any tax implications.

It is up to your daughter and her partner/husband to sort out alternative childcare as fully grown adults and the parents of the little one. If anything happened to you, they would have to find alternative provision.

Show her this thread....no wsy should you be doing this much.

@forrestgreen are you saying that it would have crossed your mind to even ask a nearly 80yo to be childcare, I can't imagine why anyone would think this was something that should be asked. At this age the OP should be enjoying retirement whilst she still can not being tied down to regular childcare

Besides the very real safety issues here of caring for both someone with dementia and a 14 month old, you really shouldn't be offering your daughter money that you are going to require for your husband's care and your own future care. You can't deprive him and yourself to fund your daughter's choice to have another baby. She and her husband have to fund their family.

What if your husband gets angry at the crying baby or he falls on the baby? What if the baby gets into something while you're helping your husband toilet?

Your daughter has to be aware that this setup is not safe and not sustainable. You're going to have to tell her flat out that the childcare can't continue.

What the hell does that matter? Op is 80 and has done way more than her share of helping.
fgs what type of questions are these? Cutting back? She shouldn’t be doing any at all.