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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell our daughter we can’t manage the childcare anymore?

603 replies

five5five · 09/12/2025 09:53

Our daughter 43 has 3 children the older two are in primary school and when she returned to work I did say I would have the girls while she worked to save with costs.
This was 10 years ago and while I have kept to my promise she now has another baby and I don’t think I am the best person to be looking after a baby.
I will be 80 next year and my husband has mobility difficulties and early onset dementia so I am also caring for him so it’s only me who really looks after them but I know she relies on me as childcare will cripple them.
I was very happy to have them when I offered and I don’t want to sound like I’m dropping her now with a baby but the older girls are in school so I only need to pick them up and have them here a couple of hours but we are older now and I am starting to feel it and really I’m finding it a lot and a baby is a lot more work than a 6 and 10.
I also have other grandchildren I look after although not on a regular basis so more as and when needed so sometimes I have had all 6 in.
AIBU to go back on my offer now there is 3 as I don’t honestly think I am the best choice of care for a baby and I would struggle full time.
I know it doesn’t suit my husband to have a baby around the house all day.

OP posts:
Diarygirlqueen · 09/12/2025 12:13

I think your daughter has been extremely selfish, to even consider making you look after a 14 month toddler in your situation, staggers belief.

Mangelwurzelfortea · 09/12/2025 12:13

Of course you can't look after a baby - outside the occasional babysitting evening anyway. Your daughter is insane if she thinks you're going to be able to step up and offer free childcare so she can go back to work. She'll have to pay a childminder/nursery like everyone else.

Bamfram · 09/12/2025 12:15

My poor neighbour spent her last 20 years doing free childcare for her sons 4 children from 8am , she dropped to school, collected, fed them a dinner, all at her house.
Her DIL collected them and went back to her tidy home, with 4 fed children with homework done.
Obscene.
She had a brain haemorrhage and spent her last days paralysed unable to speak or move.
Son and DIL were nowhere to be seen and it was her daughter who stepped in and cared for her.
Such a lovely kind women, completely used by her son.
Shameful, but she allowed it to happen.
She told me she wished she never said yes from day 1.
A lesson I have never forgotten.

Starlight1984 · 09/12/2025 12:16

budgiegirl · 09/12/2025 10:18

This is totally mad - my MIL is 79, in reasonable health, and we wouldn't even ask her to look after our dog for more than a few hours any more - let alone a baby all day, every day.

You need to be honest with your DD. Did she even check with you that you would be happy to look after the baby, or did she just assume that you would? Who in their right mind thinks that this is ok?? I can't imagine putting any 79 year old in this position.

This. I wouldn't even ask my MIL (who is in her early 60s and very fit and healthy) to look after a baby / toddler all day every day!!

Who on earth thinks that's ok?!

TryingtryingTryingfivetimes · 09/12/2025 12:18

I would tell my daughter to apply for the 30hr free childcare. Get her and her partner to help with the childcare. So what he works shift? Why can't he have his children on his days off?

Giving you a break. I hope they are assisting you with other things. Caring for an adult is a big responsibility. Does she take her father out now and then? You need assistance now.

MissRaspberry · 09/12/2025 12:18

Definitely not unreasonable. Your daughter is old enough to arrange alternative childcare for her kids. She could use a nursery for the baby and after school clubs for the older two. Universal credits pay up to 85% of childcare back. Lots of parents who work have to use it

thebabessavedme · 09/12/2025 12:18

OP, I'm a nana to one DGC, He is 10 now so I look back with rose tinted glasses, I enjoyed having him as a baby, we have a lovely bond even now, I do the odd school run and the occasional overnight stay, I'm 63, he is a wonderful little fella, I love him to pieces BUT, He drains my life force 😂 AND THERE IS ONLY ONE OF HIM! There is no way that at your time of life you should be expected to look after a baby, multiple other children and an ailing husband.

The time has come for a frank conversation with all your family and tell them straight that you simply cannot carry on with all this childcare, you have more than done your bit!

Applesinapie · 09/12/2025 12:18

Your daughter was incredibly selfish to have another baby knowing she’d be given her to you to look after 5 full days a week. Of course yanbu to say no. She will have to put her in nursery or a childminders like most people. I can’t believe the cheek of her- I would never expect this level of childcare from my parents.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 09/12/2025 12:21

Your daughter is quite selfish expecting you to do this.

MovedlikeHarlowinMonteCarlo · 09/12/2025 12:21

This can't be real. Who would expect their mother to provide full time childcare at nearly 80 years old?

Especially when they can use unpaid childcare.

moderate · 09/12/2025 12:23

five5five · 09/12/2025 09:53

Our daughter 43 has 3 children the older two are in primary school and when she returned to work I did say I would have the girls while she worked to save with costs.
This was 10 years ago and while I have kept to my promise she now has another baby and I don’t think I am the best person to be looking after a baby.
I will be 80 next year and my husband has mobility difficulties and early onset dementia so I am also caring for him so it’s only me who really looks after them but I know she relies on me as childcare will cripple them.
I was very happy to have them when I offered and I don’t want to sound like I’m dropping her now with a baby but the older girls are in school so I only need to pick them up and have them here a couple of hours but we are older now and I am starting to feel it and really I’m finding it a lot and a baby is a lot more work than a 6 and 10.
I also have other grandchildren I look after although not on a regular basis so more as and when needed so sometimes I have had all 6 in.
AIBU to go back on my offer now there is 3 as I don’t honestly think I am the best choice of care for a baby and I would struggle full time.
I know it doesn’t suit my husband to have a baby around the house all day.

You're not going back on your offer.

And even if you were to take a step back from what you did offer ten years ago, that isn't reneging, that's changing circumstances.

MissRaspberry · 09/12/2025 12:24

I've never had my parents have my kids whilst I work my dad's 72 now and the three kids I have left at home are 16 11 and 9 so they'd be pretty easy kids to deal with but even then I'd not expect my dad to look after them. For my youngest I use breakfast and after school clubs which my 16year old takes her to/picks her up from to accommodate my shifts. The after school ones finish at 6pm I finish work at 7pm he watches her for all of an hour and a half after school and that's only 5 afternoons a month. The rest of the month I work mornings so he takes her to breakfast club on his way to school. If I work a weekend the younger two go to their dad's. UC pays back most of the childcare fees so it is doable at least

PrettyPickle · 09/12/2025 12:24

Sometimes, adult children don't realise how their parents health is changing and just don't think. And to be blunt, sometimes they don't want to acknowledge it, as its inconvenient.

You are 80, no matter how fit and active, your energy levels and capabilities will have changed and your daughter has been a little selfish and blinkered here and you should have spoken up. That's before we look at caring for your husband.

You need to have a sit down chat with your daughter and her husband. Just explain that wanting to look after your baby grandchild and being able to, are two different things and that you have realised, its not something you can now do now, despite wanting to. I have worded this as a letter but it can easily be said in person:

"I love being part of the children’s lives and I’m glad I can help with school pickups and caring for them after school. However, I need to be honest about my limits. At my age, and with the responsibility of caring for your Dad as we manage dementia, I simply don’t have the energy or strength to take on full‑time care of a baby for X hours a day. I am a lot less able than when I looked after your first two and I don't think any f us considered this and its just two much for me.

Looking after a baby requires constant attention, lifting, and recovery, which is too demanding for me now. I want to continue being a supportive grandmother, but I also need to protect my health and ensure I can keep caring for your dad and the older grandchildren without becoming overwhelmed. and even this may change if our health changes as its likely to do as we are at that age now, where our abilities maybe be restricted whether we like it or not. Dementia can change quickly as it develops and I don't know what the future holds.

I hope you understand that this decision comes from love and practicality. I want to remain present in the children’s lives in ways that are sustainable for me—such as continuing with school pickups and spending time with them when I can. For baby are, I need you to explore other childcare options that will give you peace of mind and ensure the baby gets the attention they need. I'm willing to give you a few months to sort this but I need you to understand its just becoming too much for me.

Thank you for understanding and respecting my boundaries. I know we all want what’s best for the children and for our family as a whole."

Obviously tweek this with names and make it more personal but I am sure you get the idea, this is you looking after th welfare of your family and your daughter has been very lucky that you have been in a positionn to fully support her historically as its not a small ask.

giddyaunt19 · 09/12/2025 12:27

And here’s me worrying that my mum does one day a week after school with my 11 and 8 yr old.

whymadam · 09/12/2025 12:28

You've done your bit and yanbu at all to tell your daughter you need to step back.

Hithismyname · 09/12/2025 12:28

Not unreasonable at all. I am 43 with a 3 year old and I do not expect my mother who is 73 to watch her, sometimes she will offer for an hour here and there because she wants to but otherwise she is in child care whilst I'm at work. It's your free time now to relax. Looking after children is hard and you should never feel bad or guilty about it as its not your responsibility.

DisruptiveCumin · 09/12/2025 12:29

YANBU at all! You gave her years of child care!

MO0N · 09/12/2025 12:29

Iloveshihtzus · 09/12/2025 09:59

I honestly cannot believe any woman with an ounce of empathy would ask her 80 year old mother to mind her baby and 2 other children full time. This is apart from the aspect of your caring duties for your husband! I mean, I’m always amazed at how people on here take their parents for granted with childcare, having never had childcare from my parents or PIL (apart from the odd time when they visited us , but never fir more than a couple of hours).

It's not just her lack of empathy for her 80 year old mother that shocks me it's the fact that she is prepared to leave a baby with someone who is 80. I mean no offence to you whatsoever op but I would regard this as being unsafe for the baby as well as unfair for the person who is 80.

B1anche · 09/12/2025 12:30

five5five · 09/12/2025 10:17

She didn’t think she needed to as she thought she had me.
I will be throwing a spanner in the works.
I could offer a financial contribution towards childcare for the youngest until she is at school if that’s a fair compromise.
The eldest won’t need child care much by then.

Show quote history

You're not throwing a spanner in the works. She is for getting pregnant again. Her choice. Just tell her no. Or put up with it. She's in her 40s for FFS. How are they still not earning enough to raise the family they chose to have?

Greyhound98 · 09/12/2025 12:30

Oh wow you have more than done your bit!
They chose to have a 3rd child and now need to make suitable arrangements. Picking up kids from school and looking after primary age children is a lot different to toddler wrangling!! That’s hard work for anyone. When are you going to get a break?!

NoisyViewer · 09/12/2025 12:31

I think you need to have a word. Your DH care is only going to become more intense. A baby is hard work for young people to look after. I’m sure she’ll understand

B1anche · 09/12/2025 12:32

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 09/12/2025 12:21

Your daughter is quite selfish expecting you to do this.

I agree. Absolutely shameless.

Emptynester67 · 09/12/2025 12:35

I'm sorry but she's very selfish. No one should expect a lady of your age with a husband who has declining health to care for an infant. They're hard work and it's exhausting. Please have a talk with your daughter about this, although you shouldn't have to in the first place!

KnowledgeableAvocado · 09/12/2025 12:37

PrettyPickle · 09/12/2025 12:24

Sometimes, adult children don't realise how their parents health is changing and just don't think. And to be blunt, sometimes they don't want to acknowledge it, as its inconvenient.

You are 80, no matter how fit and active, your energy levels and capabilities will have changed and your daughter has been a little selfish and blinkered here and you should have spoken up. That's before we look at caring for your husband.

You need to have a sit down chat with your daughter and her husband. Just explain that wanting to look after your baby grandchild and being able to, are two different things and that you have realised, its not something you can now do now, despite wanting to. I have worded this as a letter but it can easily be said in person:

"I love being part of the children’s lives and I’m glad I can help with school pickups and caring for them after school. However, I need to be honest about my limits. At my age, and with the responsibility of caring for your Dad as we manage dementia, I simply don’t have the energy or strength to take on full‑time care of a baby for X hours a day. I am a lot less able than when I looked after your first two and I don't think any f us considered this and its just two much for me.

Looking after a baby requires constant attention, lifting, and recovery, which is too demanding for me now. I want to continue being a supportive grandmother, but I also need to protect my health and ensure I can keep caring for your dad and the older grandchildren without becoming overwhelmed. and even this may change if our health changes as its likely to do as we are at that age now, where our abilities maybe be restricted whether we like it or not. Dementia can change quickly as it develops and I don't know what the future holds.

I hope you understand that this decision comes from love and practicality. I want to remain present in the children’s lives in ways that are sustainable for me—such as continuing with school pickups and spending time with them when I can. For baby are, I need you to explore other childcare options that will give you peace of mind and ensure the baby gets the attention they need. I'm willing to give you a few months to sort this but I need you to understand its just becoming too much for me.

Thank you for understanding and respecting my boundaries. I know we all want what’s best for the children and for our family as a whole."

Obviously tweek this with names and make it more personal but I am sure you get the idea, this is you looking after th welfare of your family and your daughter has been very lucky that you have been in a positionn to fully support her historically as its not a small ask.

This is honestly such a kind and well thought out response. It covers everything, without having a go at the daughter.

I would struggle to look after a baby now at 41, we got a puppy a few months ago and it's aged me! My mum was a grandma quite young. She looked after my nephews and nieces in her late 40s/early50s and was fine, it was a different kettle of fish once my daughter was born 10 years later.

OP, you went above and beyond for your daughter, but its time to put yourself and her father first. Good luck 👍🏻

LancashireButterPie · 09/12/2025 12:37

WasThatACorner · 09/12/2025 09:57

You're not going back on your offer, you offered to have the older kids and have done that.

Are you even sure your daughter is expecting you to care for the baby? Who would expect that of an almost 80 year old who is caring for their husband?

Oh you'd be surprised! I've seen 90 year olds who have their great grandkids left with them on a regular basis.
OP your DD would be very unwise to leave a baby with someone who has dementia. I have known of dementia patients lose control when in the presence of a crying baby and lash out. It's not a good situation for anyone.