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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell our daughter we can’t manage the childcare anymore?

603 replies

five5five · 09/12/2025 09:53

Our daughter 43 has 3 children the older two are in primary school and when she returned to work I did say I would have the girls while she worked to save with costs.
This was 10 years ago and while I have kept to my promise she now has another baby and I don’t think I am the best person to be looking after a baby.
I will be 80 next year and my husband has mobility difficulties and early onset dementia so I am also caring for him so it’s only me who really looks after them but I know she relies on me as childcare will cripple them.
I was very happy to have them when I offered and I don’t want to sound like I’m dropping her now with a baby but the older girls are in school so I only need to pick them up and have them here a couple of hours but we are older now and I am starting to feel it and really I’m finding it a lot and a baby is a lot more work than a 6 and 10.
I also have other grandchildren I look after although not on a regular basis so more as and when needed so sometimes I have had all 6 in.
AIBU to go back on my offer now there is 3 as I don’t honestly think I am the best choice of care for a baby and I would struggle full time.
I know it doesn’t suit my husband to have a baby around the house all day.

OP posts:
FollowSpot · 09/12/2025 11:45

@five5five
How are you feeling about these responses?

They are coming mostly from Mums like your daughter. we have all been there, struggling for money due to childcare, some of us have been lucky (very lucky) enough to have help from our own Mums and MILs.

Many of us (Me!) juggled supporting our own Mums and Dad's through mobility difficulty and dementia whilst also managing our young families.

Are these responses giving you a new perspective?

Netcurtainnelly · 09/12/2025 11:45

Yanbu. Tell her.shes taking the piss. Not your problem is she wants a baby.

HereintheloveofChristIstand · 09/12/2025 11:45

gamerchick · 09/12/2025 11:08

There's still a level of expectation in your post that I would be pushing against.

Still as long as you don't take it for granted and have a back up plan when they don't want to do childcare then..

Show quote history

Of course if they are away or have another engagement we would sort that out. But they are pretty flexible. MIL knew she very rarely had anything on on Fridays so that would be her day and same for my mum on Mondays. They wanted that time with them but not all the time which we agreed with. We wanted them in nursery too. As for the illness cover, it's a case of whoever is available and fortunately it isn't often, so we always manage.

Bamfram · 09/12/2025 11:47

Your daughter is a cheeky fxxker of the highest order.
This is why in my circle, parents are now refusing to do any caring unless in an emergency situation.
Childcare is expensive and needs to bd considered carefully when having children.

Certainly not assuming that it will be provided for free by parents

Full-time caring at 80 is obscene.
Shame on your daughter.

Thephantom · 09/12/2025 11:47

Your daughter is a CF to keep producing children and expecting her 80 year old mother to look after them. YANBU to tell her that you can't look after the baby, or any of them for that matter, anymore. She is extremely selfish to expect you to do so.

Poppyfun1 · 09/12/2025 11:48

No not at all. I had to go part

Enigma54 · 09/12/2025 11:48

five5five · 09/12/2025 10:10

I offered the child care so she could go back to work as I love having them and wanted them to save their money and then along came another and I’d just got used to a couple of hours after school by then so it’s just a big change.
What makes it worse for them is that they are no longer in contact with his family at all so I am all they’ve got.
He works shifts so it’s all very hectic.

The fact that they don’t get on with his family, is neither here or there OP. Your daughter and her husband, need to find childcare pronto. They are being outrageously selfish and entitled. Sorry.

whitewinefriday · 09/12/2025 11:48

OP, you are NOT being unreasonable

Enigma54 · 09/12/2025 11:49

Thephantom · 09/12/2025 11:47

Your daughter is a CF to keep producing children and expecting her 80 year old mother to look after them. YANBU to tell her that you can't look after the baby, or any of them for that matter, anymore. She is extremely selfish to expect you to do so.

This 10000%

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/12/2025 11:49

This is madness OP. No one should rely on just one elderly family member for free childcare with no backup plan. What if you fell out? Or got ill? Or your husband was unsafe around a baby? Or (sorry this isn't nice to hear) you'd both passed away?

And why do you think that agreeing to have her child 10 years ago means that you have to carry on forever, irrespective of health and how many babies they have when? What if she has another as a play mate for the youngest?

You've already saved them tens of thousands of pounds but think you should pay them to sort out their own childcare? Absolutely insane.

OP they're taking advantage.

Nanny0gg · 09/12/2025 11:52

five5five · 09/12/2025 09:59

She is 14 months and is with me all day mon - fri until 5:30 and I had the older girls after school, they are no bother at all and I’d be happy to continue to have them.

Show quote history

Your daughter is taking the proverbial.

You need a nice civilised conversation - unless she gets difficult

I'm a bit younger than you and I couldn't/wouldn't do it

Sunndays43226 · 09/12/2025 11:55

There’s free childcare for the baby from 9 months! Yanbu at all

KittyFinlay · 09/12/2025 11:56

I'll preface this by saying that you don't have to do anything and you are within your rights to just say you can't do it anymore, but I'm assuming you want to help as much as possible.

Will the 14 month old be eligible for funded hours soon? In which case, if you could keep it up for a few more months, the baby would have 30 hours and you could possibly do one or two days to cover the shortfall?

If you are in a position to as well, you could offer to pay towards afterschool club for 6 and 10- or continue to have the after school if you can manage that.

AnxietySloth · 09/12/2025 11:56

Wow you basically look after her baby more than she does! It's hugely unreasonable that she didn't at the very very least ask you how you felt about taking it on and offer a no-guilt opt out and regularly check in - 'How's it going? Is it too much now dad's unwell?' etc She's very selfish.

Don't run yourself into the ground my love. You matter too.

SchrodingersParrot · 09/12/2025 11:57

I haven't RTFT so apologies if this has already been mentioned, but was the third child planned or unplanned?

jellybellyready · 09/12/2025 11:59

I actually think your daughter is taking the royal piss out of you.

You agreed to childcare 10 years ago and you have done that. The kids have got easier and you now only have them a couple of hours a day.

To have a baby 10 years later while you are 80 and expect full time childcare is piss taking, she should of asked you when she was thinking of having a baby would you be able to look after a baby and you could of said no. Then she could of factored that in to her budget that she would need childcare.

Personally Id be giving warning that you just cant do it anymore. My nan is 82 and no way on this planet would I expect her to run around after a baby of mine and my nan is in fairly good physical health herself.

imfabul0us · 09/12/2025 11:59

I am 64 and get tired looking after one grandchild for a day so I have to pace myself and yet you’re also looking after your husband too. You have really helped her family out with childcare but your daughter and the children’s other parent should think about the impact on both you and your husband now. I would write out the points that you wish to make before chatting with her so that you are clear. Best wishes.

DeftGoldHedgehog · 09/12/2025 12:00

You've done so much already. My PIL used to have DDs and DN one day a week only, which was manageable for them and us. But they were 70 and well.

Emeraldforest · 09/12/2025 12:01

Babies are hard work at that age, you need eyes in the back of your head...I think that's too much! You've more than done your best for so long, you need to be taking it easier!

ZoeCM · 09/12/2025 12:05

Expecting an eighty-year-old who's also caring for her husband to care for a baby is utterly ridiculous.

semideponent · 09/12/2025 12:05

A further reassurance from me - you're not going back on anything, just reminding her that your capabilities (and maybe priorities too) have changed. The thing I'd guess that you both share is a sense of caring for your grandchild's/husband's wellbeing. I haven't RTFT so I hope I'm not way off beam here - apologies if I am.

Figgygal · 09/12/2025 12:07

She's totally out of order op but kindly given your ages and circumstance you should have said something when she returned after the most recent one
Where is your retirement if you've been doing full time childcare for 10 years? So unreasonable for her to expect this of you all this time

TheatricalLife · 09/12/2025 12:08

I'm boggling at the nerve of your daughter OP. Please give her notice that you will be stopping and start putting yourself and your husband first. You've done so much and they should be forever grateful -having a third baby was frankly bloody stupid in their position.
It's totally up to you if you offer some financial assistance with childcare. I wouldn't. Her and her husband are fully grown working adults with three kids they chose to make. They can pay their own bills. They've benefited hugely from your help over the years, it's time for them to sort themselves out.

rainingsnoring · 09/12/2025 12:08

Your daughter is incredibly selfish. I can't believe she just assumed, without any discussion at all, that you would provide full time childcare for a baby at 80 with an unwell husband to consider too. You sound incredibly guilty, @five5five. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about at all. Your daughter should be extremely grateful for everything that you have done for her and should start to step in to support you and her dad now that you are older and less well.

rainingsnoring · 09/12/2025 12:12

Just to add, I'm much more often on the side of the parents and grandchildren compared to many on MN, who seem to feel that grandparents should do exactly as they please and that spending any time with their grandchildren is an awful chore. In this situation, I am 100% on the grandparent's side and shocked at your daughter's selfishness and lack of care for her parents.