To wonder why DH has two different versions?

[Whyisitlikethis5]

NC'd.

We have been married a long time. Generally happy, we have had ups and downs like anyone. We have no family support and never had with our children, so up until them being teens, we didn't really have any kind of joint social life. DH would occasionally go out (but I do mean very, very occasionally)-me, never. Finances were always very tight and there was always something else more important to spend money on.

Now, the children are older teens/adults who can definitely be left to look after themselves. I am the main earner working full time, DH part time earns about a third of what I earn. I mention this as finances are not the reasonhere.

I do all the life admin, 99% of the housework (teens have chores for allowance), all the cooking. DH will come food shopping under duress.

DH never wants to do or go anywhere, unless really pushed. For example, food shopping-will come up with a million delay tactics, worried will lose parking space on our road, it will be too busy, the weather is shit, my favourite "do I have to come in with you".

I would really like to try and enjoy life a bit, not necessarily zipping about everywhere all the time, but I would like to maybe go to Florence, or Paris, or even go out in our home city, maybe go to a museum or do a fun activity. A pub quiz. Anything. Sometimes DH will seem up to for doing something, but then as the time gets closer, the excuses start and we either don't go or we do go and it feels like I have forced him.

Latest example is Christmas. Constant complaining, tutting, huffing. I "do" Christmas, you will see below why I am getting narked about this. For example, I made some special Christmas hampers for the teens, him and some friends. He counted the baskets and said where is yours? I said I am not doing my own present! I will get a gift, as I have already ordered it, like I do every year.

All that being said, I could completely understand having my arse handed to me and I need to just go out and do my thing on my own and leave DH be-and this is probably true-but-

He describes himself as a "social creature" and portrays himself to his work colleagues as this really fun person who wants to go out all the time, wants to go on nights out and do fun things. They are doing a secret santa, which although he did come to the shops, I have done for him and he is bragging at work how much he loves Christmas, going in work with silly Christmas attire and generally turning into Mr Joy to the fucking world, whereas I get basically scrooge.

I am feeling really upset that there are two versions apparently of DH and apparently me and the kids get the grumpy, doesn't want to enjoy anything version, whereas he projects this other version publicly.

Before anyone says go out and do what you want to do alone-I do, he then gets FOMO and complains, so then I feel guilty about having done it.

Sorry for the long post. I am just feeling worn out and fed up.

AIBU to wonder why there are two versions and why I can't have the fun one sometimes?

I think I'd start by noting down some examples. 'Fred, do you know that the last 3 times we've been out, you said something negative around 20 times leading up to it and suggested we don't go. It really ruins the experience for me. I could go myself but you don't like that either. Please can you agree you're happy for me to go myself, or agree that you'll stop complaining. I want to go here on x date.'. And then every time call him out for being negative.

More generally though what does he bring to the relationship and do you want to stay in it? It sounds like you carry the financial, practical and emotional load. Are you actually happy for this? Why the fact does he only do a fraction of the housework despite working full time?

I had some time off recently and went to the theatre and cinema solo. Its been nice!
I also used to go on solo holidays before and for the first few years with dh.

I mean if you love him I dont think you need to divorce him but the kids are bigger so I'd certainly just start "doing things".
Do you love him still?

On the going out. I dont get that bit..
Why do you feel guilty? He declined to come!

I'd let him complain and be grumpy and dont feel guilty (you can control that) why would you?
" I asked you to come you wanted to be a miserable bastard and stay home. i dont understand what your problem is?"

Is this new or has he always been like this?
I'd be inclined to sit him down and say I don't want to live like this.
You have become very negative and it drains me and the kids.
And see what he says

Honestly, he’s not going to change. He presents that fun side to his work / friends, because he wants to impress them - with you he doesn’t feel that need.

Go out and do the things! Screw his FOMO - you can’t be controlled forever by his whims, so what if he complains? It’s the consequences of his own actions. He’ll never learn otherwise!

Its all an act isnt it?
Do you think he has social anxiety?

Stop sacrificing yourself on this altar of a marriage.
Book yourself onto a weekend away next spring to Florence. (Take a friend if you’re nervous about solo travel.) Just do it.

Theres probs not much you can do about “Mr Wonderful” he portrays to the world so stop looking for it and then any chinks of that side of him will be a bonus.

Plough your own furrow because for sure he ain’t gonna help make your life with him more fulfilling. When the kids finally leave home, make that your time to do what you want to do but without him because you’re flogging a dead horse with him.

Good luck. He sounds a right misery.

He sounds awful. And what exactly is he bringing to the family that he couldn't bring to it from a two bedded flat twenty minutes away?
Am sure he'd get to tell his very important workmates how devastated he is and how hard he worked to make things work yet simultaneously "never saw the break up coming"

I think that you're facilitating a very nice life for your DH. You more or less support him and everyone else financially, he does just about zero around the house and he makes zero effort with you. He will continue like this, unless you spell a few truths out to him. Are you really happy to continue like this OP, with a man who doesn't seem to want to do anything with you?

It may seem drastic at this stage but considering the little he brings to the party, I would seriously flirt with the idea of divorce. And tell him this, too.

I'd drop the rope. Seriously. I'm tired just reading your post. You have gone above and beyond while he...... does nothing for you. Why? This is what you should be asking yourself.

Start going where you want and doing what you like.

He may wise up (unlikely) but at least your world won't be as small.

Genuine question, if you left him,would you life/workload change at all? It sounds like you do everything anyway. What does he bring to the table?

He is what is known as a fun sponge.

How very dare he sulk and complain when you go out?? I would not tolerate that at all and would blow my top.

As for him not doing any household chores, again, absolutely not acceptable. Stop cooking for him, washing for him, cleaning up his shit and buying his secret Santa presents.

He’s happy for you to be his mother, effectively.

How does he not give you the ick? Works part time and does fuck all else? Gross.

You need to change the dynamic in your favour. Stop covering for him, for a start. He can sort himself out.

Use the FOMO to get him to come with you- but he isn’t allowed to complain.

“I’m going to X, you can come if you don’t moan all day.”
“I’m doing Y, but you aren’t invited. I have more fun on my own. If you want to come next time, pull your socks up!”

I really appreciate the replies I think I needed a bit of kick to open my eyes a bit.

Re social anxiety-if he does, it must be around me and the kids rather than anyone else he encounters. Honestly, he comes acroas as a completely different person "out there". People would not believe how he is at home.

You are all right, I need to do a lot of thinking. I do love him, of course I do, but I can feel time ticking away and if I don't go and do things I want to do now, I will never get to do them. I'm not sure I want to carry on bearing the load for a whole other person once the teens leave. I'm exhausted with it.

Ugh he’s putting in NO effort at home. He’s one of those blokes who will have no idea why his marriage broke down under his nose.

And he may well have social anxiety etc but so what - since when is his discomfort more of a priority than literally anything else in your lives? What a dullard. Was he always like this or has he just slid into such a crap attitude?

Why in god’s name did you do his Secret santa for him??

Leave him to be boring and miserable on the sofa by himself. Go out and do stuff. Join clubs, make plans, book flights. It sounds like you’d have more fun on your own than with him, and definitely more fun with a friend.

You have some selfish, lazy, miserable loser living off you.
What's the point of him?

Have a hard think.
You have wasted enough years with him.
He sounds absolutely dreadful.
Your poor children.

You are facilitating too much and being a bit of a martyr. Cant help at home but needs you to do his secret santa? I would have told him to piss off. Yanbu that his behaviour stinks, yabvu for enabling it. Think about the appalling example he is setting for your kids!

You deserve better, I'd rather be alone than live with someone like him.

I would leave now before the financial disparities become too great. He’s not going to change and can you even imagine being retired and married to him???

Then he gets fomo and complains??? Tell him he’s a grumpy sod and if he’s lucky he will get another chance next time but if he keeps up this shit you might not want him going out with you and won’t invite him. Then book something else fun, and go, with or without him. Guilt free. When you do go out message him what a great time you’re having and he made the wrong decision to grump out.

Whilst there is no guarantee and you have to be truly ok with whatever outcome nothing changed for me and my marriage untill I just started proceeding ahead with divorce. Only then a switch flicked in him. Only when he faced true consequences did he think oh shit she is serious.

I had reached a point where life would just be far better without someone grumpy moany sucking the joy and life out of us and every family occasion. I spent a few years thinking he was depressed or stressed etc his mum and dad's relationship is really unhealthy- oh he doesn't know how to be /has only ever learnt to be grumpy from grumpy men in his life. Blah blah. Yes some of that influenced him, but ultimately
It's all a choice. He changed it all as soon as he wanted to. He did go to therapy and now helps other men too. He is so much happier now. As am I. I can't believe we lived like it for so long. Although it can creep up on you.

So I would suggest therapy for him especially as there is a few issues he needs to change. However unless he wants to change he won't. I would suggest peace and freedom for you. It's no life to live. You deserve a best friend of a partner who wants to share with you,build you up not drag you down. Someone who wants to be on your team!

Why are you dragging him to the supermarket? Get a weekly delivery and get him to receive it/ unpack it. Should be easy to schedule as he is always in.
Start going out more yourself, he'll get used to it. Take no notice if he tries to guilt you.
Is there anything he likes to go to, or are you planning joint outings to things only you like? Understandably as you are doing the planning etc. but maybe you could coax him out if it's something he likes as well.
Stop doing his jobs for him, he can do his own secret santa surely? I'd guess the work persona is an act and you get the real him. If you can no longer be bothered with it all then make plans to split. But you'll need to be prepared for a guilt trip.. you haven't even tried.. what about the kids.. etc.

You work full time, bring in three times his salary and yet you do 99% of the chores (your kids do the rest) and all the cooking?

He is lazy, selfish and inconsiderate. The fact that he presents himself as the life and soul of the party at work just adds insult to injury.

He should be doing most of the chores and the cooking. Why are you so accepting of this situation. You don't sound angry, just a bit sad. You need to find your anger and put an end to his extremely cushy and selfish lifestyle.

Edited to amend 'life' to 'lifestyle' as it sounded as though I was recommending you murdering him. Even I wouldn't go that far!

It sounds like your talking about two different things though.

Does he enjoy putting any effort into Christmas organising? Food shopping, presents for you etc? No. Does he resent the tiny demand on him even though you are picking up 99% of the slack? Yes.

Does he enjoy rocking up to things which have already been organised by someone else and the limit of his contribution is wearing a Christmas jumper and saying hohoho? Potentially - or at least it requires less of him so he can mask more effectively.

I think the issue largely comes down to him being a lazy manchild who wants you to do everything for him.

Why do you love him? And it needs to be more than just because that is how you are supposed to feel and so assume that you must feel it.

What you describe isn't love, it's a millstone around your neck.

Did you stay together? And if so, how did you deal with the knowledge that he had the capacity to change but he didn't do it because he was making you miserable, he only did it when it was going to have a negative impact on him?