To wonder why DH has two different versions?

[Whyisitlikethis5]

NC'd.

We have been married a long time. Generally happy, we have had ups and downs like anyone. We have no family support and never had with our children, so up until them being teens, we didn't really have any kind of joint social life. DH would occasionally go out (but I do mean very, very occasionally)-me, never. Finances were always very tight and there was always something else more important to spend money on.

Now, the children are older teens/adults who can definitely be left to look after themselves. I am the main earner working full time, DH part time earns about a third of what I earn. I mention this as finances are not the reasonhere.

I do all the life admin, 99% of the housework (teens have chores for allowance), all the cooking. DH will come food shopping under duress.

DH never wants to do or go anywhere, unless really pushed. For example, food shopping-will come up with a million delay tactics, worried will lose parking space on our road, it will be too busy, the weather is shit, my favourite "do I have to come in with you".

I would really like to try and enjoy life a bit, not necessarily zipping about everywhere all the time, but I would like to maybe go to Florence, or Paris, or even go out in our home city, maybe go to a museum or do a fun activity. A pub quiz. Anything. Sometimes DH will seem up to for doing something, but then as the time gets closer, the excuses start and we either don't go or we do go and it feels like I have forced him.

Latest example is Christmas. Constant complaining, tutting, huffing. I "do" Christmas, you will see below why I am getting narked about this. For example, I made some special Christmas hampers for the teens, him and some friends. He counted the baskets and said where is yours? I said I am not doing my own present! I will get a gift, as I have already ordered it, like I do every year.

All that being said, I could completely understand having my arse handed to me and I need to just go out and do my thing on my own and leave DH be-and this is probably true-but-

He describes himself as a "social creature" and portrays himself to his work colleagues as this really fun person who wants to go out all the time, wants to go on nights out and do fun things. They are doing a secret santa, which although he did come to the shops, I have done for him and he is bragging at work how much he loves Christmas, going in work with silly Christmas attire and generally turning into Mr Joy to the fucking world, whereas I get basically scrooge.

I am feeling really upset that there are two versions apparently of DH and apparently me and the kids get the grumpy, doesn't want to enjoy anything version, whereas he projects this other version publicly.

Before anyone says go out and do what you want to do alone-I do, he then gets FOMO and complains, so then I feel guilty about having done it.

Sorry for the long post. I am just feeling worn out and fed up.

AIBU to wonder why there are two versions and why I can't have the fun one sometimes?

So he's pretending at work? Does he actually go put qnd socialise with them outside of work or is it all a front?

My sister was widowed about 8 years ago after a 40 year marriage, she married at just 19. Her DH came across to the outside world as very sociable. His job involved lots of talking to people on the phone and he was the life and soul. He did almost nothing with her and would only leave the house if he had to. Even his time consuming hobby was trading and buying and selling stuff all online to add to a collection. It was obvious to me he had social anxiety.

My sister is so much happier now he has died, she does such a lot and even remarried in her early sixties to a man who likes to do stuff. They are in a band together.

You have 3 choices

It stays as it is
You divorce
You live a life completely separate, join hobby groups and go out socially.

My sister was more unhappy than she released, she used to comfort eat, after he died she lost 5 stone as she didn’t need to eat her misery anymore. When DH saw her after a 3 year gap at a family get together he didn’t recognise her.

Works part time, doesn't do anything at home, can't even get his own secret santa present, never mind a Xmas gift for you (I won't even ask about DC, pretty sure he has had 0 input there).
Won't go out with you, but complains and ruins your experience if you go without him.

You may love him but he does not seem to even..like you much.

I read posts like yours, OP, and I think it has to be a wind up. Why are you being such a doormat? Why are you doing all the housework? Why are you putting up with his crap? Just WHY???

Doesn't earn his fair share, doesn't compensate for this by being a good dad/husband/house administrator/housekeeper/fun to be around, gives his best self to strangers. I'm not sure what it is you are holding onto other than FOG.

I realised I hadn’t answered your question. You don’t have two different versions OP. You have a parent - child dynamic in your relationship.
My children are also different at school than at home. More independent, more proactive with friends, more responsible with their tasks at school. Because at home we (me and DH) are responsible for the heavy lifting, they are the children, we are the parents after all.

You have the same dynamic with your DH. You manage everything, including regulating his emotions. He can be a grown up at work and a child at home.

Take him to the pub (tell don’t ask) and say you want to reset your marriage. Does he still want to be with you? If he wants that, you start fresh from that moment. Everything is up for grabs. Jobs, finances, home arrangements, family routines and contacts. Make a list of things you want to do. Either you do them together, he goes alone/with someone else or you go alone/with someone else, but either way, MOANING IS OUT. It is time to seize the day and be happy.

Maybe he does have some anxiety. Maybe HE could think about that and read up, go to the doctor etc. It’s not your responsibility to think about that. If he wants to tell you some strategies that help him, fine.

You need to overcome your feelings of guilt - let them ride, they pass eventually. And go and do it alone. You have to. There is no other solution to this. I know you have kids and that must be great for you, but I have watched friends allow their lives to pass them by like this and, when the children leave home, they end up bitter and jealous to the point of rage of those who made the best of the lives they were given. I don't know any men this has happened to because they seem to do as they damn well please and drag the women along with them. This is what your husband has done. And you have allowed him to.

When I was young I so wanted to be coupled up. Especially around Christmas. Fast forward and my experience of being coupled up has made me so grateful that I no longer am, that I can do as I damn well please with my life. Many posts on MN confirm that I have made the right decision to stay single. I don't think there is any man alive who could make the quality of my life any better than it already is.

Why is he working part time and doing nothing in the house? Even your teens do more.

Sadly you have and are still allowing this to happen, like getting the secret santa. Unless something changes, this will be it for life. Even if you get divorced, as the higher earner you could well end up getting a shock. At the very least he needs to get a full time job and you need to stop enabling him.

Just why are you putting up with this grumpy lazy twat and all his shit?

Why are you working full time and doing everything else? Why is he only working part time and doing nothing at home?

You can do better than this @Whyisitlikethis5 .Start by giving the lazy git a list of jobs to do while you're at work.

And make a resolution that 2026 is the year you get out and do what you want. Book a holiday or short break to Paris/Rome/Florence/wherever either on your own or with a friend. Go to the museum, the theatre, the seaside etc etc. If he complains, tell him to either join you happily or lump it. You aren't going to put up with his misery any longer.

Quite frankly I'd be sending him divorce papers. I'm sure you'd be much happier without him dragging you down all the time.

I would say that I'm an ambivert and I'm really sociable at work and have a very sociable job, but that takes a lot out of me and then I need a lot of down time to recharge for that. But it's something I'm aware of and need to keep balance with because my dc still needs the best version of me at home too. So even if that's the case for your dh it's not a pass to be a misery at home for you all.

I think there's a few things here that need to be spoken about with him.

I'd want to know if he feels mentally well and if he feels physically well to rule issues with either his mental or physical health out as a starting point. Second to that I'd ask him how he feels about your marriage and how he's feeling about being an empty nester soon and what does he want that to be like? I'd also share what you want that to be like and you need to discuss any difference in approaches - it's fine to be content at home but you either need to push yourself to go out with a partner who wants to and genuinely try to be positive about it, or you need to support them to do that independently of you.

I think you need to also address the imbalance of responsibility in the home. If he's working less hours than you then he needs to be stepping up more in the house and taking on more with the kids and life admin. He doesn't need to go food shopping with you, he can take responsibility for ordering it and being there to take it in and put it away. He can be responsible for making dinner for you coming in from work and he can take responsibility for cleaning in the house. If it is social anxiety, the worst thing he can do for himself is stay at home - he must challenge himself regularly and consistently to keep that in check and if he is spending a lot of time at home then that will absolutely affect his confidence and tolerances going out and about.

I would tell him that this year is the last year that you are buying yourself a present of any kind and that from now on he needs to step up. You do a lot for him and for your family and you also deserve to be taken care of and be shown love. Then op you need to step back and things need to either not get done or get done by him. I would also lower your expectations so as not to feed into weaponised incompetence. There's an element of laziness here because he knows you'll step in if he doesn't so you need to take that safety net away.

Those friends you have thoughtfully bought hampers for?
Go out with them.

You cannot go on trapped in this work / domestic work / no fun treadmill in the service of your lazy DH.

Tell him what's what - give him a chance to talk to you about his behaviour - listen to what he says, and then calmly tell him how it makes you feel.

If he doesn't change, just stop. On his non-work days come in from work and don't cook.

He is setting a terrible example to your teens and you will wear yourself to the bone.

This is stifling to read OP ... I can't understand why you didn't meet with friends when your kids were young. You mention money, which I understand, but a walk or a cuppa, doesn't need to cost much/anything.

Don't drag him food shopping, get a delivery. Then plan lots of fun things without him. He sounds a misery.

What was he like when you were dating, before kids? Surely he used to go out and do stuff then or you wouldn't have married him!

Tell him what you've told us.

You do all the chores and earn the lion's share of the money. All he brings is miseryguts.

Ask him what he thinks he's contributing to this relationship.

Tell him you're planning to start enjoying your life.

See if he reads between the lines. If not, wave goodbye.

Agree wholeheartedly.

yes, I was wondering about this sentence: We have no family support and never had with our children, so up until them being teens, we didn't really have any kind of joint social life.

We don't have any family support and had a very busy social life when DC were small - you socialise with other parents of young kids? So easy to meet new people and organise things. Was it because he always found some excuses not to socialise, or would he sulk afterwards?

I'm not surprised.

If he won't try and change you need to consider your options

Did you do any family things when your children were younger?

And why does he only work part -time? What does he do the rest of the time?

I wholeheartedly agree with @TwoTuesday and was going to say this myself. Get your shop delivered. Why waste an hour of your life going around a supermarket.

And absolutely no more choosing his secret Santa gifts. His colleagues can end up with the shit I used to get.

Op, soon your DC may leave home and you'll just have him, if that idea fills you with dread then do something about it. You'll be retired one day but you'll still be doing everything and going nowhere with him, time to change before that happens

Now you've seen it...

I waited for a long time for my lovely DH to want to do the things I want to do. He does his own thing and isn't going to change, so this last year I've got on with stuff and it's worked out well.

Even inspired DH just a little bit. 😀

Yours does sound pretty lazy and you sound like his mum.

DH is not quite that bad but has his moments. Can't drag him out to the local pub for a catch up with local people he knows as well as me, though we do have nice weekends away together. I just get on and do stuff I want to do on my own.

Generally he has always been quite a low energy bulb compared with me, but someone more energetic than me would annoy me.

Have you actually say down and had a conversation about this? If not, do that.

There are many solutions that don't involve leaving him or even becoming passive aggressive.

Don't do secret santa for him. If he asked foe your input, help him but don't do it for him.

If he gets famo, that is his problem. Think to yourself if it is sowmthing you want to do with him or eith someone else. If with him, ask. If he says yes, ask if he will want to cancell also minute or if he is committed.

My bf sometimes agrees to do stuff because I want to and he looks miserable. He can't fake it if he doesn't . I flat out say to him when I'm booking tickets that it is something I want to see and him being there when he doesn't want to will ruin it for me. Then he will let me know if he wants to come or not.

Join a pub quiz group. That way it is your hobby and he can't complain about you going to your hobby.

As for holidays. Is there anything he wants to see? If he can't really get excited then find someone else to go with. Same with restaurants.

My dad is a grumpy like yiur husband so I go to things with her. Sometimes dad complains that he would have enjoyed the concert and then remembers he said no.

So basically just do your thing, don't let him slow down your life.

This.
And I would sit him down today and tell him so. Don't drop it on him in January. You do love him [though god knows why] - give him the wallop in the face he needs with the opportunity to actually do something for the next month [and obviously thereafter] about it.

In January if it's not started, or not lasted at all then you need to replan the next phase of life and sod his FOMO if you two are even still together.