To wonder why DH has two different versions?

[Whyisitlikethis5]

NC'd.

We have been married a long time. Generally happy, we have had ups and downs like anyone. We have no family support and never had with our children, so up until them being teens, we didn't really have any kind of joint social life. DH would occasionally go out (but I do mean very, very occasionally)-me, never. Finances were always very tight and there was always something else more important to spend money on.

Now, the children are older teens/adults who can definitely be left to look after themselves. I am the main earner working full time, DH part time earns about a third of what I earn. I mention this as finances are not the reasonhere.

I do all the life admin, 99% of the housework (teens have chores for allowance), all the cooking. DH will come food shopping under duress.

DH never wants to do or go anywhere, unless really pushed. For example, food shopping-will come up with a million delay tactics, worried will lose parking space on our road, it will be too busy, the weather is shit, my favourite "do I have to come in with you".

I would really like to try and enjoy life a bit, not necessarily zipping about everywhere all the time, but I would like to maybe go to Florence, or Paris, or even go out in our home city, maybe go to a museum or do a fun activity. A pub quiz. Anything. Sometimes DH will seem up to for doing something, but then as the time gets closer, the excuses start and we either don't go or we do go and it feels like I have forced him.

Latest example is Christmas. Constant complaining, tutting, huffing. I "do" Christmas, you will see below why I am getting narked about this. For example, I made some special Christmas hampers for the teens, him and some friends. He counted the baskets and said where is yours? I said I am not doing my own present! I will get a gift, as I have already ordered it, like I do every year.

All that being said, I could completely understand having my arse handed to me and I need to just go out and do my thing on my own and leave DH be-and this is probably true-but-

He describes himself as a "social creature" and portrays himself to his work colleagues as this really fun person who wants to go out all the time, wants to go on nights out and do fun things. They are doing a secret santa, which although he did come to the shops, I have done for him and he is bragging at work how much he loves Christmas, going in work with silly Christmas attire and generally turning into Mr Joy to the fucking world, whereas I get basically scrooge.

I am feeling really upset that there are two versions apparently of DH and apparently me and the kids get the grumpy, doesn't want to enjoy anything version, whereas he projects this other version publicly.

Before anyone says go out and do what you want to do alone-I do, he then gets FOMO and complains, so then I feel guilty about having done it.

Sorry for the long post. I am just feeling worn out and fed up.

AIBU to wonder why there are two versions and why I can't have the fun one sometimes?

Is he considerably older than you?

To quote my therapist (who is the wisest person ever to live) - you can only fully understand and change your own behaviour. So the first thing to do is ask 'why am I accepting this - what is it about me, or my past, that makes me feel this is what I deserve?' You are putting up with truly shit treatment and you're afraid to do anything about it - why? Are you worried he'll react badly - aggressively? Or are you worried that if you challenge him, he will tell you very clearly that he doesn't care you and you won't be able to ignore it any more?

Why does he work part time and do nothing at home??

I'm the DH in our relationship...apart from the split personality.
This year DH started leaving me at home and going out with friends.
It's kind of heartbreaking thinking of him out having fun with friends (female ones as well), but I really don't enjoy socialising at the moment.

Sounds like a narcissist, appears to others one way and to you another. His real self is the one you see, the other he makes up and probably copied from someone else.

My DH is sort of like this (he does all of the housework though so more than pulls his weight in household management).

His colleagues think he’s Mr Fun, and he is quite fun at home, but he doesn’t really like going out or socialising, which I think would surprise his colleagues. I’m not a big on socialising either but I like to go to things and do things, so we often have conversations around “I’m going to do X, do you want to come” and I go with or without him. He is thankful that I just go ahead and book things so he has to go as he has a good time, but anxiety means he wouldn’t do it without me being the driving force.

He gets short shrift if he complains about FOMO for something he’s declined, so he knows not to complain as he had the chance to come, and we have sometimes had the conversation about his comments ruining something I’m excited about and he does respect this once it’s pointed out.

I just sort of manage it and absolutely do not let his reticence ruin my life. He adds to my life, I tell him if his behaviour is detracting from my life, he changes his behaviour. I’d like to think he says the same about me. I would reconsider the relationship though if he was so disrespectful as to continue to ruin what I wanted to do after he was aware he was going that.

We also don’t do Christmas presents for each other - we just splurge on ourselves around Christmas. But neither of us particularly enjoyed gift giving and once our finances was combined, it was a waste to guess what each other wanted and miss the mark instead of just spending the money on what we actually wanted.

Probably missing the point here, but why do you both need to do the food shop together? I can't think of anything worse. I want to get in, get out, and having someone with me would drive me bonkers. I never understand families who treat it as an outing either.

@Whyisitlikethis5 what do you get out of having this lump of a man-child swinging round your neck?
He doesn’t earn much, he doesn’t help, he stops you going out and having fun and he reserves the best of himself for other people.
Do you think it’s time you started knowing your worth and spending time with people who act as if they like you?

So what does he actually bring to the relationship? Sounds like not a lot. Go out, go on holiday, do your thing. Life is so short.

I came to say this too. Look up masking OP.

Well I'd say he's doing it because he can. He clearly cares about how he's perceived in "the outside world" so can, and does, make the effort to ensure he comes across well, when it matters to him. But at home he knows he doesn't have to bother, you'll work round him, pick up the slack, make adjustments. It's not just laziness it's abject disrespect. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? It sounds very draining.

Why are you still with a misery of a man who leaches off you financially and practically and gives you - not just nothing, but sort of minus nothing, because you can see he's deliberately withholding love and cheer and joy?

He sounds genuinely repulsive.

He sounds like a nervous, quiet person pretending to the outside world that he is outgoing and fun. He can relax at home and be the real him boring though that may be for you.

YANBU. It would be one thing if he was like this with everyone. Then I'd say that just who he is. But the different personas for different people would be enraging.

I'd have a serious talk about his attitude. He can either get into trying to do some things with you (with a smile on his face, or what's the point) or he can let you go do them alone or with friends/the kids and commit to biting his tongue about the FOMO. He doesn't get to have it both ways.

But unfortunately, it can be difficult to change who you are on such a basic level, so he may not be able to shift his attitude for more than brief periods, even if he's willing to try. In that case, you have to learn to ignore his FOMO reaction or take more drastic measures. Or settle for your current restricted lifestyle.

This is so true!

What do you love? Sounds to me that he is a bit of a prat. WTF do you do everything? HE works part time.

Give your head a wobble.

He is taking you for granted here.You are the higher earner! TBH I would say to DC you fancy a trip to Florence .And Dads staying behind to look after the cat./ dog /house whichever ! As far as a trip to the theatre, or locally just ask a friend to come. I think many men are like this though .They only have a wake up call when its too late and they are being divorced!

Just grim, he works PT for not much money and does SFA around the house. Are you married to Jim Royle?

You could get the food shopping online and time it for a day he’d be home to unpack..it sounds a very disheartening situation OP 💐

I'm struggling to see the point of this relationship. You earn all the money, do all the non-financial work, avoid social things because he gets upset if you do them, and don't get any joint social activities in place.

Ick.

Please please book some trips for yourself, go with a friend, go with your kids, go by yourself! Just get out of the house and enjoy life while you can, he is seriously holding you back.

He wants you to leave him alone.
And you should.
Do you need him in your life?
People do become incompatible and that's ok.

Why do you enable him by doing everything for him?

This. Why are you doing everything?! I still can't believe you sorted his Secret Santa. He needs to step up. Plus be less miserable and boring

you're describing my H to a tee except we don't have children. Away from home he acts like he's so busy, on the go, etc etc while in reality it takes so much effort to get him out of the house then half the time he bails out last second. He has good qualities and I love him but I had to tell him last year that I was nearly done with him.

I told him exactly what I needed from him to make me stay, spelled it out like he was a child. We will go out to dinner every other week. We'll go to the movies monthly. We'll go on vacation annually (doesn't have to be expensive but we must pack and leave the house for a week). We can afford it, we worked damn hard when we were young and saved so I'm not asking to go to the poorhouse here.

He didn't really react until I told him I was ready to leave and divorce and yes I'd be taking my half too dear so make up your mind, your choices are-
1-we divorce and I take half, we sell the house, I get half the retirement pot and I go do all those things on my own.
2-you get on board and we do these things together. Bonus being you get to keep your life the way it is and enjoy outings and travel occasionally.
3-We stay together and I do all this alone but fair warning I will shit talk you to all those people you've carefully portrayed a false face to and I won't hold back. They'll know you're not a good man who treasures his wife, you're a sad introvert who has no self confidence or any interest in the world.

We've gone on vacations that he enjoyed, we go out to eat, we enjoy going out a lot more now but I do have to be the one planning it all. I was mad about that at first but I decided that if we broke up I'd be doing all my own planning anyway so I do it. I think in my case my H is depressed and insecure but we're doing much better now. I hope you can come to some resolution, its lonely when your spouse refuses to go anywhere.