To wonder why DH has two different versions?

[Whyisitlikethis5]

NC'd.

We have been married a long time. Generally happy, we have had ups and downs like anyone. We have no family support and never had with our children, so up until them being teens, we didn't really have any kind of joint social life. DH would occasionally go out (but I do mean very, very occasionally)-me, never. Finances were always very tight and there was always something else more important to spend money on.

Now, the children are older teens/adults who can definitely be left to look after themselves. I am the main earner working full time, DH part time earns about a third of what I earn. I mention this as finances are not the reasonhere.

I do all the life admin, 99% of the housework (teens have chores for allowance), all the cooking. DH will come food shopping under duress.

DH never wants to do or go anywhere, unless really pushed. For example, food shopping-will come up with a million delay tactics, worried will lose parking space on our road, it will be too busy, the weather is shit, my favourite "do I have to come in with you".

I would really like to try and enjoy life a bit, not necessarily zipping about everywhere all the time, but I would like to maybe go to Florence, or Paris, or even go out in our home city, maybe go to a museum or do a fun activity. A pub quiz. Anything. Sometimes DH will seem up to for doing something, but then as the time gets closer, the excuses start and we either don't go or we do go and it feels like I have forced him.

Latest example is Christmas. Constant complaining, tutting, huffing. I "do" Christmas, you will see below why I am getting narked about this. For example, I made some special Christmas hampers for the teens, him and some friends. He counted the baskets and said where is yours? I said I am not doing my own present! I will get a gift, as I have already ordered it, like I do every year.

All that being said, I could completely understand having my arse handed to me and I need to just go out and do my thing on my own and leave DH be-and this is probably true-but-

He describes himself as a "social creature" and portrays himself to his work colleagues as this really fun person who wants to go out all the time, wants to go on nights out and do fun things. They are doing a secret santa, which although he did come to the shops, I have done for him and he is bragging at work how much he loves Christmas, going in work with silly Christmas attire and generally turning into Mr Joy to the fucking world, whereas I get basically scrooge.

I am feeling really upset that there are two versions apparently of DH and apparently me and the kids get the grumpy, doesn't want to enjoy anything version, whereas he projects this other version publicly.

Before anyone says go out and do what you want to do alone-I do, he then gets FOMO and complains, so then I feel guilty about having done it.

Sorry for the long post. I am just feeling worn out and fed up.

AIBU to wonder why there are two versions and why I can't have the fun one sometimes?

It sounds like your DH is socially masking for work, then the mask comes off in the safety of home. If this is the case he needs to understand this and work out why.

Thank you for all the replies, kindness and also doses of reality that I think I needed. I was at work so couldn't reply in the day, but having so much advice and other people's perspectives has really helped.

I obviously need time to think about whether this is something that can improve, or I will put up with, or to leave.

But, I am going to book myself a trip in the New Year. Even if it is just one night. Sod him. I will go on my own!

I really feel for you...I have a friend who's similar.... you moan about your husband but facilitate most of his failings!!
You treat him like another of your kids.
I worry that one day when you're about 65 you'll look back on your life and wonder why you did what you did.
Go live life now... there are no second chances!!
. Good luck xx

If you're a bit nervous about going away on your own, look up one of those travel companies which specialise in people travelling solo. I've travelled with "Just You" and with "One Traveller". All the worry is taken out, fellow travellers are usually women. With "Just You" people tend to be a bit younger. On a number of the holidays I met (really lovely) women who'd left their husbands at home. Go for it! And stop feeling guilty about sorting your own social life. If your D(stayathomegrump)H won't come with you, leave him behind. Good luck.

I really feel for you...I have a friend who's similar.... you moan about your husband but facilitate most of his failings!!
You treat him like another of your kids.
I worry that one day when you're about 65 you'll look back on your life and wonder why you did what you did.
Go live life now... there are no second chances!!
. Good luck xx

One day OP you will wake up in your 60's, your kids will be gone out the house and you'll be left with this miserable bugger. Doing nothing and going nowhere. We only get one life, enjoy it. He can either enjoy it with you or stay at home moaning. And stop doing stuff like bloody secret santa for him. Men behave like children if permitted. Good luck.

Your husband is autistic and the other him is him doing what is called ‘masking’.

That exactly, I have Adhd and at work I am so happy and love everyone, at home? I am surly and grumpy and will complain about everyone, the most miserable person ever. Why not do Florence or Paris with a friend or adult child? Start a hobby?

Mhmm
And he can’t help out at home because…

He’s a fake, lazy prick. No more. No less.

If you want to stay together then do the things you want to either with friends, the kids or on your own. When he starts guilt tripping you just say nothing, completely ignore him. He’ll soon get the message. I thought he might have social anxiety too but maybe not if he can switch personalities once he’s out and about?

Hi op call him out on his 2 versions just tell straight why are you such fun at work and a miserable git at home. Do you not want to be with me? Just tell him it’s exhausting being with someone who doesn’t want to do things as a couple. Also definitely do more with friends and if he comments you just say I’m not spending the rest of my live staying in anymore you either join me or I will make my own fun.

For a start, stop doing his jobs for him. Never get his secret santa again. By all means buy yourself a present to ensure you get one but don't wrap it or tell him about it (or give it to the kids to give you).

I’ve read through this a couple of times and can’t see where Op mentions his diagnosis?

I remember a few years ago witnessing a woman do exactly this at a big flashy Christmas party we were attending.
A lovely young woman remarked in her hearing what fun her husband was in the office, a really fun nice guy.
She dead panned how utterly miserable he was at home how he ruined every single family occasion for her and the children.
Obviously there was really awful embarrassed silence.
Hs face was something I won't forget.
A mixture of pure shock, fury, and then waving dismissal of her.
He was separated after Christmas.
It certainly made my husband and other colleagues, very particularly the woman, look at him completely differently.

My Mum took me to Florence in my first year after graduating, which was great for me as I got to see her and couldn't afford a foreign holiday myself, and good for her as I was thrilled to go to art galleries, old churches and cafes (unlike my Dad). Take your children to Florence!

My disclaimer. I'm only this far into the thread, but I picked up on 'I do love him,
of course I do'

There's no of course about it really is there, you either do or you don't, you're not obligated to feel a certain way and feelings don't automatically stay the same throughout a long term relationship. Frankly it sounds from that as though you do feel obligated due to time invested and the life you've built together.

It's absolutely fine if you carry most of the load, financially or otherwise, but it's equally important that you feel on the same page. It also comes across that you're martyring yourself by helping him maintain the facade of the life and soul. I certainly wouldn't be assisting by doing things like his work secret santa when you say he has so much excess time on his hands.

It's a personal thing, but I couldn't have any respect for a partner who coasted through home life and whose attitude made me miserable. A night or two away by myself wouldn't redress that balance - and balance is what long term relationships need. Life is checks and balances, you play to your strengths and you pay in to the relationship as you're able. As long as you both do that you're grand, but you need to be seeing the same kind of input, whatever form that takes.

If I were you @Whyisitlikethis5 I'd spend some time in serious analysis and I wish you the very best.

My husband is similar but is a workaholic who won’t prioritise our social life/ relationship. I now tell him my plans when going to visit my daughter overseas and asks if he wants to come. Twice he said no, expecting me not to go. He had a lot of fomo so now comes.
The other night I asked if he wanted to come to a concert. He ummed and ahhhed and I said don’t bother. Asked my son, bought the tickets and the other day DH said “aren’t I going with you”. I had great delight in saying “ no I asked you and you said no”
I use to feel guilty now I don’t. He makes his choices and they are different to mine.
He is getting better. Good luck.

He needs to actually provide, do the shopping, clean the house for example. What he sits on his arse all day, doing stuff he wants to do whilst you do everything?

If you want to go to the cinema, go. Enjoy holidays on your own or with a friend. Don't waste your life because old misery guts does sod all with his. You need to stop doing everything. Why not suggest he cooks dinner on Saturday nights for instance and leave him to it. Go and get a facial or a woodland walk, just do anything but let him drag you down.

By doing it all you are accommodating his lardy arse ways. He might notice when you stop otherwise it will be like this, always. You have been warned lovely lady.

sounds like anxiety for me. Really wants to go and is up for it all the way up to the minute he actually has to leave the house and then can’t do it. This makes even more sense to me when you then go on to say he feels fomo when you’ve been out yourself, he’s probably annoyed with himself he couldn’t do it and taking it out on you. This also makes sense with work as he’s masking it all and going over the top, when this happens is he then really withdrawn that night at home with you all?

My ex was the same.
Narcissist. Please read up on covert Narcissisism.

Absolutely!

It sounds like he’s masking at work, you are sadly getting the true, exhausted, overwhelmed, depressed, in need of therapy, version.

Defo call him out on it, but with examples, not in an aggressive way, but an assertive one.

Defo stop rescuing him. He really should be doing ouch lore around the domestic stuff. That really needs to be addressed and re-balanced asap!

He needs some firm conversations, a reality check on what consequences he will face unless he sorts his attitude, and, behaviour out.

Let him get FOMO. Not your problem. He’s not a child.

Get out and enjoy life more. You may inspire him, you may not. That’s in him.

Couple’s therapy? 🤷‍♀️

Good luck!

Take a big step back OP, stop doing stuff for him, then see if he still has the energy to play Mr Xmas out of the house.
Hand over some responsibility. And yes keep on going and enjoying yourself with out him, DONT feel guilty! He’s an adult. Don’t enable him.

Oh and, yes, I believe it’s anxiety. His world is shrinking through avoidance (and lack of insight?!). Unless he challenges his anxiety it will continue to do so…. Please don’t enable it.

From my experience (I have couples like this in my extended family, wife playing the mother’s role) this situation is very difficult to improve. The usual solutions such as “talk to him”, “help him”, “give him a plan” don’t work because they perfectly fit into and reinforce this dysfunctional parent - child dynamic.

You are his wife, not his mother. It’s not your job to bring up another adult. This dynamic happens for a reason and both sides are getting something out of it. If you want out of this vicious circle you need to understand what you are getting out of this and why you are enabling him. The change should start with you, because trying to change your husband is just another way of parenting him. Ultimately you can only control and change your own behaviour.