To wonder why DH has two different versions?

[Whyisitlikethis5]

NC'd.

We have been married a long time. Generally happy, we have had ups and downs like anyone. We have no family support and never had with our children, so up until them being teens, we didn't really have any kind of joint social life. DH would occasionally go out (but I do mean very, very occasionally)-me, never. Finances were always very tight and there was always something else more important to spend money on.

Now, the children are older teens/adults who can definitely be left to look after themselves. I am the main earner working full time, DH part time earns about a third of what I earn. I mention this as finances are not the reasonhere.

I do all the life admin, 99% of the housework (teens have chores for allowance), all the cooking. DH will come food shopping under duress.

DH never wants to do or go anywhere, unless really pushed. For example, food shopping-will come up with a million delay tactics, worried will lose parking space on our road, it will be too busy, the weather is shit, my favourite "do I have to come in with you".

I would really like to try and enjoy life a bit, not necessarily zipping about everywhere all the time, but I would like to maybe go to Florence, or Paris, or even go out in our home city, maybe go to a museum or do a fun activity. A pub quiz. Anything. Sometimes DH will seem up to for doing something, but then as the time gets closer, the excuses start and we either don't go or we do go and it feels like I have forced him.

Latest example is Christmas. Constant complaining, tutting, huffing. I "do" Christmas, you will see below why I am getting narked about this. For example, I made some special Christmas hampers for the teens, him and some friends. He counted the baskets and said where is yours? I said I am not doing my own present! I will get a gift, as I have already ordered it, like I do every year.

All that being said, I could completely understand having my arse handed to me and I need to just go out and do my thing on my own and leave DH be-and this is probably true-but-

He describes himself as a "social creature" and portrays himself to his work colleagues as this really fun person who wants to go out all the time, wants to go on nights out and do fun things. They are doing a secret santa, which although he did come to the shops, I have done for him and he is bragging at work how much he loves Christmas, going in work with silly Christmas attire and generally turning into Mr Joy to the fucking world, whereas I get basically scrooge.

I am feeling really upset that there are two versions apparently of DH and apparently me and the kids get the grumpy, doesn't want to enjoy anything version, whereas he projects this other version publicly.

Before anyone says go out and do what you want to do alone-I do, he then gets FOMO and complains, so then I feel guilty about having done it.

Sorry for the long post. I am just feeling worn out and fed up.

AIBU to wonder why there are two versions and why I can't have the fun one sometimes?

Why did you get his Secret Santa? And why feel guilty if you arrange something for yourself? That's mad!

Possibly autistic and spending all energy masking at work etc?

If he works PT he should be doing at least 50% of the household drudgery

Not really! Unless by "at least" you mean 90% or so!

He sounds quite anxious. I think you get the real him. At work he is masking to fit in. You are doing a huge amount for him, almost like you're his carer. Has this always been the case?

This is my stepdad!

He is Mr Christmas publicly. Blasting Christmas songs from his car from 1st December. A daily update on the Christmas film he watched last night from 1st November etc.

No one sees him on Christmas Day, shit faced at 11am and storming off to bed when he loses at a board game.

I hate these men.

Stop facilitating him OP! Why are you doing it to yourself? You need to start building some boundaries. He's a grown man and you don't need to treat him like a child at home. He won't change unless you stop making life so easy for him, why would he?
Also, if you want to stay with him start living your own life, go where you want to go and don't even bother to include him. He sounds an utter misery... except when he's with his work mates! Oh and doing his secret Santa for him is beyond a joke. You have 3 children here, not two!

My thoughts exactly. WHY, OP, are you not only financially supporting this lazy, useless lump, but doing EVERYTHING - including buying his feckin' secret Santa gift for him??

Seriously - DROP THE ROPE.

Sounds like he just cant be arsed with you and the kids, which is pretty shit.

Also why are you sorting his secret santa present out, let him fail.

Honestly, do you actually want him to stay? I can’t see why you would. If you’re happy for him to leave, tell him to go.

This was my exact thought!

OP, you said you'd made hampers for everyone except yourself, then when he questioned why you hadn't done one for yourself (cheeky fucker): I said I am not doing my own present! I will get a gift, as I have already ordered it, like I do every year.

So you DO get your own present every year. Are you saying he never buys you a Christmas present? What about birthdays? Do your children buy you presents?

If your husband works part-time and you full-time, why isn't he doing more of the household tasks?! I think you need to start by telling him, that he needs to start pulling his weight at home, and telling him, going forward xzy will be your responsibility not mine. You need to step back from doing absolutely everything. Your husband has zero incentive to do anything, because you do it all. His life is pretty cushy, working part-time and has plenty of 'siting on his arse' time too! He's essentially lazy. As for not wanting to go out...you go out yourself, if he complains say to him 'You could have come with me, but you chose to stay at home being a grump. That's your fault, not mine'. You need to call him out on his behaviour. 'You are being negative and grumpy, and it's unpleasant to listen too'. You can't force him to join in with things, but you can absolutely put the fault onto him if he doesn't and call out his negativity.

With kindness op, why are you carrying him so much?
This man is meant to be a partner, an equal but he’s like a teenager. Working part time, socialising with friends, lazy and inconsiderate at home and then moody when you go out.
And as well as all that, you’re letting him stifle you. You want travel, experiences and some expansion to your world. Don’t dim that part of your personality. You deserve freedom to be true to yourself.
I understand this because dh doesn’t want to travel like I do. He’ll go on holiday but that’s it.
For some of us trips are important to us. They give our lives meaning and oxygen.
Forget your dh’s FOMO. He mostly does this so you won’t go off and enjoy yourself while he has to do everything for himself.

I’ve just booked 2 nights away in a cosy cottage during the Xmas break for myself and dc and I’ve booked a trip to Austria for a long weekend with a friend early next year.

Please don’t let him hold you back any longer. I feel you’ve been manipulated quite enough and it’s time to open your eyes a bit and change the dynamics in this relationship.

Why are you doing his secret Santa for him?

Why are you working full time doing almost everything, whilst he works part time and does barely anything??

Forget about wanting to go on holiday etc you need to sort the inequality out in your relationship first.

Stop acting like his mother - he can get his own secret Santa.

Tell him he needs to do 80% of the chores.

Let me get this right…you work full time and do 99% of life admin and he works part time and does 1%

Change this now.

Stop tip toeing around him and ask why he thinks this is acceptable and that if he isn’t willing to do more at home he can go and work more hours to fund paying for someone to do the jobs he want.

Hes a lazy pig.

You are working ft and he works part time. So you are the main breadwinner. But how come you do 99% of housework and admin? Usually it's the person who works part time that takes on the majority of all that. You have enabled him way too much "do I have to come food shopping?" - this would be something a teenage boy would say. Why aren't you treating him like an adult?

Since he's so useless around the house make him work ft ++ and you go down to pt. I just don't get why you let your dh treat you like a mum/maid/slave. I'm a sahm so I do 99% of housework/cooking/anything related to the kids. My DH works ft but still does the weekly shopping for us by himself.

What do you love about him, OP? Because he sounds like a miserable, selfish shithead who ruins everyone else's fun and doesn't contribute his share to the finances and running of the house.

I would be having a serious think about what you want the next part of your life to look like. Your kids are grown up, you have a bit of money and freedom - choose for yourself what you want your days to look like. That may mean there's no space for a miserable, controlling manchild - either he changes, or you do.

@Whyisitlikethis5 what do you love about him? You say "of course" you love him. Why? Why do you?

This.

@Whyisitlikethis5 you ask in your op:
AIBU to wonder why there are two versions and why I can't have the fun one sometimes?

The answer is, because YOU enable it.

STOP doing stuff for him. And tell him you're not prepared to put up with his grumpy behaviour.

If he works part time and barely contributes what tf does he do with his time? He is giving you crumbs on all fronts. I’d be out.

This.
Stop waiting for him to become somebody he isn't, this is him.
And how DARE he complain about going into the supermarket. What does he actually do?
What use is he?

You know you've got the 'real' version of him. He's putting on a front at work and not bothering with you and the kids.

This would drive me insane tbh. I couldn't live with a fun sponge. But I am not you! I would just get on with living your own life and doing all the travelling etc - you only get one life so live it.

Sometimes when I am on MN I feel like I’m reading a novel, the kind Kazuo Ishiguro would have written, where everybody eats a fugu fish at the end and dies.

OP, what you call DH is in fact a parasitic life form. You have not described a single positive thing about this person. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, doing life admin and financially supporting a child can be a source of great satisfaction. Doing all that for a grown up man? Not so much.

DH never wants to do or go anywhere, unless really pushed. For example, food shopping

The LAST thing I want to do is go food shopping with my DH, either he does it or I do it, it's not a fun couples activity and never has been IMO.

Don't you do anything together aside from house/child related things? Maybe you're both just used to how it has always been and can't find a way back to having fun together but tbh it does sound like you mother him, you literally do everything while he just sits around doing nothing, how on earth has it come to that?? Even buying his secret santa gift for him? Why?!

It honestly doesn't sound like you have a marriage anymore, it has evolved into you having one extra child to take care of, you have assumed the role of mother and he has assumed the role of child, nagging him to change won't help as you need to change your perspective too.

Maybe marriage counselling is your only option now.

What does he bring to your marriage? It's a serious question.

And why do you have to go with him to food shop - surely he's old enough to be a big boy and do it on his own? You only have one life - tell him that you have plans to go out / go to Florence etc. Either he comes without complaint, or you'll be going without him. And if he goes but whines, he's not coming again. Please give him some home truths and stop carrying him - it'll be good for both of you.