To wonder why DH has two different versions?

[Whyisitlikethis5]

NC'd.

We have been married a long time. Generally happy, we have had ups and downs like anyone. We have no family support and never had with our children, so up until them being teens, we didn't really have any kind of joint social life. DH would occasionally go out (but I do mean very, very occasionally)-me, never. Finances were always very tight and there was always something else more important to spend money on.

Now, the children are older teens/adults who can definitely be left to look after themselves. I am the main earner working full time, DH part time earns about a third of what I earn. I mention this as finances are not the reasonhere.

I do all the life admin, 99% of the housework (teens have chores for allowance), all the cooking. DH will come food shopping under duress.

DH never wants to do or go anywhere, unless really pushed. For example, food shopping-will come up with a million delay tactics, worried will lose parking space on our road, it will be too busy, the weather is shit, my favourite "do I have to come in with you".

I would really like to try and enjoy life a bit, not necessarily zipping about everywhere all the time, but I would like to maybe go to Florence, or Paris, or even go out in our home city, maybe go to a museum or do a fun activity. A pub quiz. Anything. Sometimes DH will seem up to for doing something, but then as the time gets closer, the excuses start and we either don't go or we do go and it feels like I have forced him.

Latest example is Christmas. Constant complaining, tutting, huffing. I "do" Christmas, you will see below why I am getting narked about this. For example, I made some special Christmas hampers for the teens, him and some friends. He counted the baskets and said where is yours? I said I am not doing my own present! I will get a gift, as I have already ordered it, like I do every year.

All that being said, I could completely understand having my arse handed to me and I need to just go out and do my thing on my own and leave DH be-and this is probably true-but-

He describes himself as a "social creature" and portrays himself to his work colleagues as this really fun person who wants to go out all the time, wants to go on nights out and do fun things. They are doing a secret santa, which although he did come to the shops, I have done for him and he is bragging at work how much he loves Christmas, going in work with silly Christmas attire and generally turning into Mr Joy to the fucking world, whereas I get basically scrooge.

I am feeling really upset that there are two versions apparently of DH and apparently me and the kids get the grumpy, doesn't want to enjoy anything version, whereas he projects this other version publicly.

Before anyone says go out and do what you want to do alone-I do, he then gets FOMO and complains, so then I feel guilty about having done it.

Sorry for the long post. I am just feeling worn out and fed up.

AIBU to wonder why there are two versions and why I can't have the fun one sometimes?

This would drive me loopy and I would definantly have to say something to him about it. Also if I met his workmates I would probably say something too.
"Bert danced on the table at the christmas do? Are you sure that's my h? [laughing] He's a real fun sponge at home and never does anything crazy or fun. Grumpy git comes to mind."
H is fantastic around the home, funny and totally involved with our home life, but he has social anxiety and I'm his carer for medical reasons. It's difficult to get him out sometimes, he's not grumpy but becomes quite nervous until he 'gets into the swing of things' then says he's had a great time and enjoyed it.

He does nothing around the house yet only works part time? Sounds like a miserable waste of space to me.

He behaves like this because he doesn't respect you.
He doesn't respect you enough to fairly share the labour of your household. He doesn't respect you enough to support you in doing activities that you enjoy. In fact,.his undermining of your attempts to have some Joy in your life suggests he actually disdains you.

Why do you love him when it's fairly clear that he doesn't love you? Love is not disrespect and disdain.

Can he change? Yes. Clearly he respects his co-workers enough to be polite, engaging, friendly and respects them enough to care that they are him as a positive outgoing person. So he is definitely capable of doing that.
But he just doesn't respect you enough to do it.

The two different versions is down to masking of some kind. He's using his social energy externally to fit in and be viewed as socially acceptable. You get the real version, who's used up his limited social battery.

Make a plan of what you want to do. Tell him what you'll be doing. Yell him you'd love for him to join you. If he does great, if he doesn't you go and do it by yourself/with a friend/one of your kids. He doesn't get to be grumpy or upset about it. If he is you remind him he was the first person you invited. Don't engage beyond that.

In terms of you treating him like a child...that's for you to question with yourself. Why are you doing everything at home? Why are you doing his shopping for him? Why are you making the choice to infantalise your DH?

Thanks, you just reminded me how much better my life is since I divorced someone EXACTLY like your H. It was 6 years ago, so sometimes I forget how bad it was and how much happier I am now.

He likes going out with work, but he doesn't like going out with you or you going out by yourself. Ask yourself honestly - it is that he doesn't like going out and having fun, or that he doesn't like you going out and having fun?

You've had to buy your own xmas present. Does he buy his own xmas.presenrt too, or do you buy one for him? (I know the answer) . Stop. Same with the hampers. Let him see the consequence of his inaction.

And why, why did you buy his work secret santa present? WTF were you thinking?

Stop propping him up. Stop helping him present an acceptable face to his children and the rest of the world when he does fuck all to behave acceptably towards you.

Why are you doing everything around the house whilst working full time when he only works part time?

Why is he controlling you to the point you feel you can’t go out and enjoy yourself without him?

Why do you love him?

What does he bring to the table?

What is the point of him?

Answer these questions honestly OP.

This man has zero respect for you, you are just a skivvy to him. He doesn’t want you to have a life outside him. He doesn’t want you to be happy. Get rid of this dead weight OP and live your life.

He describes himself as a "social creature" and portrays himself to his work colleagues as this really fun person who wants to go out all the time, wants to go on nights out and do fun things.

I'm not completely clear OP - at work, does he just talk about doing these things (giving the false impression that he is a party animal outside of work), or does he actually do them with work colleagues?

Why are you enabling him? You are helping him appear differently to everyone else because you are doing the work and letting him take the credit!

Stop doing secret Santa's for him
Stop doing thoughtful gifts for him

Maybe even think about if you even want to be with him. He sounds incredibly uncaring and thoughtless.

Please don't waste even more of your life in total martyrdom to everyone around you. It sounds like absolute drudgery, no holidays or social life throughout the entirety of your children's childhoods.

So he only works part time but you do all the housework and cooking you buy your own Christmas present and then, enabling his patheticness, you also go and buy his secret santa for him? Just why?!

This needs to stop.

Easy ones are:

He does his own clothes washing. Just stop doing his. He works less and earns less and has more free time.
I'd also delegate the dishwasher. Running and unloading.

Do you find him attractive OP? also, you say you love him, what is it that you love?

I wonder if he dislikes you going out alone not because of FOMO but because he knows that people will wonder why he wasn't there? If he's 'Mr Life And Soul' in his head and to his workmates, surely they must wonder why you are always out alone?

But if you want to stay married you have to go. Do what you want to do and stop asking him to accompany you. Lead a totally separate life. For whatever reason, he doesn't want to leave the house unless HE wants to. So leave him to fester but stop facilitating his life. If he needs something, HE sorts it. Go to Florence with a friend. travel with a friend. Bring back stories of how wonderful life is out there. He's the one missing out.

Why doesn't he shop & do some housework?

Don't feel guilty for going out when he was invited & declined.

Is his whinging a tactic to stop you going out?

Why on earth did you do his secret Santa for him? Let him prove his Christmas spirit to his colleagues if it’s that important to him!

Does he really have FOMO or does he just want to guilt you into staying home and keep you down?
I think there is a drive in some men to see their wife weakened and living small.

He has two versions of himself because he gets away with it.

There are lots of things you can do:

Drop the rope. Don't do his Secret Santa, don't buy his Christmas presents for him, stop doing his life work, just stop all this extra work.

When he complains, grey rock him.

You could tell him how fed up you are with this all. You're at breaking point and he needs to change. You could insert an ultimatum if you're prepared to follow it through.

I'm struggling to see why you love him tbh as he sounds absolutely awful. Your kids must see his lack of involvement too.

You've been a martyr for years doing everything for everyone and your little prince of a husband lets you do it.

You made him a Christmas hamper? What does he usually do for you? Fuck all, I bet.

You bought his work Secret Santa gift, why would you do that? He’s an adult! If he can’t take responsibility to buy a basic gift for someone he works with, it’s time to give up!

I can imagine you lying on the floor by the front door so your darling prince can wipe his feet on you when he comes home from work.

Bloody stop it! You are a person just like he is. You do not do most of the housework, earn most of the money, etc - if you find you’re not part of a team and are the only one doing everything, you get rid of him.

Why do women do this? Genuinely believing they are worth less than these pathetic men? Not going out for years, sacrificing everything amd facilitating a comfortable life for some idiot who doesn’t appreciate it or contribute anything.

Start living your life OP. Book that holiday but for the love of god, don’t take that selfish arse of a man with you.

Sounds like social anxiety you get the real him
at work it’s all a front does he actually go out with his work colleagues and do all these fun things
does he’s socialise and do fun things with friends

Can you tell us why he works part-time yet does very little housework? That would make me so resentful. Does he think that when your children have left home this will continue? What's his justification for this?

Do you really want to spend your precious life with someone as miserable, selfish and lazy?

He is CHOOSING to be these versions with different people. and the people he is supposed to love he's choosing to be this person.

Also why is he working part time and you full time but you are doing most of the household load and mental load too?? How did that come about and why is it the status quo?

Food shopping either go on your own if you like doing it, or get it done online and delivered.

This sounds really crappy.

I'd start asking him once would he like to do this, if he does don't whinge when you come, if you dont, also fine but don't whinge that I'll still be going.

Start making some changes OP. Life is short.

What’s he doing all day if you’re doing almost everything and he has a lot more free time too? I’d get that rebalanced for a start. Tell him he needs to start pulling his weight. He’s the one who spends the most time at home, after all. Write him a list if you must, though it’s crap we have to treat fully grown men like idiot 8 year olds.

Re: the adventure and socialising. Tell him you’re going and if he wants to go he has to let you know. Don’t invite him, don’t plead or beg. Just go and do what you want. If he gets FOMO just reply, ‘Well, you were asked. You’re not a child and I’m not your mother. If you’re not wholeheartedly up for xyz then that’s fine. It’s not my job to persuade you, and it’s not my job to drag you there so you can moan about everything and ruin it for everyone else’.

Can you just to him and explain to him exactly what you’ve said to us
and tell him he’s got to change

and if he doesn’t then things are going to be v v different and act on that

This would be my position too. If he works PT he should be doing at least 50% of the household drudgery - willingly. He brings nothing to the table - financially or emotionally. Ask yourself, is this the man you want to be with when your kids leave home, when you eventually retire? Is this life the one you want then - or now. I really think you need to sit down and discuss what you want from your marriage and if you are not on the same page, you ask him to leave.

Life is too short - I once knew a woman with a DH like this. She wasn’t free until he passed away and she was nearly 70. She resented the hell out of him for the last 15 or so years and it actually made her difficult to be around because (there being no kids involved) I just wanted to yell - stop moaning about him and leave! She didn’t have half the life she could have had.