AIBU to tell my kids I won’t be able to buy them anything for Christmas?

[imsoverytired82]

Because I’ll lose my job.

dd9 and 11 simply won’t get up and dressed for school. I’ve tried everything. Clothes ready and waiting, nothing for them to do other than get dressed. It’s been like this for months. Dd11 shrugs and says she doesn’t care: it doesn’t matter what time I get them up it’s impossible. I physically have to dress them whilst they go rigid. I’m at my wits end as it’s a battle. They go to bed at a reasonable time but it’s a battle to get them to sleep.

im late every day for work. My boss has noticed. Im beginning to resent them as it’s so stressful and my job is my income, sanity etc

this is the only consequences they might care about. Any other ideas gratefully received.

Yep. And stick their clothes in a bag and drop them at school in their pj's.

They’re not on phones and games in the evening are they? If they are, remove them.

I’d say SEND support is needed more than "consequences" which in my experience will just escalate things further. An investigation of what's happening/happened at school to cause this. I'm about 6 weeks into EBSA with my 10 year old and we're now on day 7 of calm after working with school to get a new morning and arrival routine set up. Work is an issue and I was very stressed about it as a single parent but they have been understanding. Is your employer approachable?

At 11 and 9 your girls are more than old enough to understand that their behaviours have consequences. I mean cancelling Christmas isn't an immediate thing to happen but it may make them think if they believe you'll follow through and actually get them nothing. They're also old enough to understand what it means financially if you lose your job because their actions make you constantly late for work.

Is there anything bothering them about school?

We had a lot of trouble getting DC2 into school last year, which included refusals to get out of bed, get dressed or eat breakfast, and we were often late. He was also often visibly distressed for the first half hour to an hour of school once we got him there.

DC2 is not good at expressing his feelings and worries, but to cut a long story short, there were a number of things around school that were worrying him or that he was finding hard to cope with.
Once we’d (that’s we as in both us and the school) managed to identify some of those things bothering DC2, and put some support in place around those things, the difficulties around getting DC2 out of bed and into school got much, much better.

So anyway, it might be helpful to talk to the school and see if there’s anything they can do to help, or if there’s any signs of things bothering them at school.

I’d try ruling that sort of thing out before moving onto punishments or threats about no Christmas etc.

Unbelievably stressful for you op so i understand why you're thinking about this but I would be very hesitant with this unless you are actually prepared to follow through and give them nothing for Christmas. And I agree with pps that Christmas is still far away and I'd be wanting to lean on immediate and direct consequences. You're going in your Pj's then because I am done chasing you - get in the car. You messed around so much and now you've no time for breakfast - you're going to have to wait to lunch. Zero tolerance and no getting into arguments or back and forth with them. You do this, x happens end of discussion follow through and stick to it every single time. Consistency is key.

I would look at things like a blanket tech ban for a specific period of time for every day they are late for school. And I'd remove tv, WiFi, phones, tablets or gaming consoles.

I'd also maybe think about your evenings, is there anything you can change up to help them wind down better for sleeping?

What's their routine from school to bed with timings and what's your morning routine like? You say they struggle to actually go to sleep despite bedtime being reasonable- what's happening there and what are they doing to stay awake?

Things I would also do would be speak to the school and get a clear picture of how they are when in school, how they're interacting with peers, any concerns and how they're engaging in class and ask for guidance on motivating them. I'd also go to the gp and request a check up to make sure there's no underlying health issues making it hard for them (eg diabetes meaning they are totally dysregulated in the morning due to low sugar type of thing).

I did this and took my son to school with no shoes on once (I had taken them in a bag he hadn't seen). By the time we go to the school he has begging for his shoes and crying so I said it was lucky I had a spare pair in the car that were the same as his other. He was about 7 but never happened again.
Teacher laughed and said well done mum, that'll teach him not to listen!!

This. My cousin once had to take her son to school in his pyjamas - fact. He was a bit younger admittedly, but not massively (around 8). Only happened once. She simply picked bundled him up and put him in the car. (She brought clothes and he had the choice to change in car before going into school which he did).

Also, can you give them pocket money but fine them (hugely) every day they are not ready and dressed for school on time.

Try to, not make empty threats.

Make a full explanation of “or I’ll loose my job”.
So:——
1)xmas gifts cost money.
2)your job is the only place where money comes from.

Therefore children’s parent needs to get to work, & children’s job is to enable parent to get there at least on time!
I hope you all have a great xmas 🙂.

I think it would be entirely reasonable of you to tell your dds that they are risking you losing your job - and not only would that mean no Christmas, it would possibly mean no home, or a much smaller home, and maybe a move to a different, cheaper area, plus a drastic reduction in their quality of life - clubs, Netflix, hobbies, fun trips out etc.

I do also think you need a calm talk with them about why the ups are doing this - so if there is a problem like bullying at school, you can deal with it.

And I would also be tempted to follow the advice to take them to school in their pyjamas, if all else fails.

Have they got phones or devices in their rooms with them that is keeping them up? At that age (primary school?) it's mot super common to have school refusal and because it's both I wonder if they're just exhausted from being up too late, albeit in their bedrooms?

I know somebody who did this ie she brought her child to school (primary) in his pjs and dressing gown and slippers as he constantly refused to get ready in the mornings.

My parents would have removed every toy, game, gadget from the house. Banned me from watching TV. No sweets, desserts or treats of any kind. I'd be given dinner and sent straight to my empty room and told to stay there. Then in the morning they would drag me out of bed. If I refused to get dressed they would take me as is.
I wouldn't be playing up for long.
You need to get tougher.

Every day they are not ready by the time you need they get no WiFi that night (or similar). It needs to be something that resets every day so every day is a fresh start and chance to do the right thing.

If you cancel Christmas, they have no reason to comply going forward.

A bit of a wild card here, but seems like you've tried everything. Could they go to sleep in their uniform? If it's still like a polo shirt type thing and not like a shirt that would look crumpled. Just an idea.

I read once that someone sleeps in their running gear as motivation in the morning - obviously that's squishy and comfy though.

Otherwise, could you take them in their pj's like a pp suggested?

How close is the school? Could they start to walk??

Talk to the school as soon as possible. My friends daughter, 15 at the time, refused to get out of bed. Like yourself a battle every morning. Friends rang the school one morning and explained the situation. Didn't want to be fined for non attendance. Twenty minutes later doorbell rang, principal was standing there. Asked which was daughters room, went up and bawled her out of it. Left with daughter ten minutes later. Brought her home and told her to be ready when she called the next morning. The funny part was daughter had to be ready nearly an hour early because principal liked to get work done before school started. Told anyone who asked the reason she was collecting daughter. Collected her for two weeks then allowed her get herself into school but had to check in with principal. Cured her of staying in bed

Sadly not it’s a full on white shirt, blazer, kilt, tie and jumper.

thank you. Time to get tough I think. I will sit them down tonight and explain that if not ready for 7.45 then in their pjs it is!

Water pistol?

Tempting

There's always a jug of icy cold water with some ice. Folk will call that child abuse but that's something you'll only do once before the threat will suffice. Might want mattress protectors on the bed though.

Personally I find loud music that only I like is particularly motivating. Or there's this.... I had a school trip and the hostel had speakers in the hall. First morning at 6am they played this across the speaker system so loud we had to shout at each other

I really don't think no Christmas presents is an answer.
The not getting dressed has become an odd habit. That needs to be broken.
I certainly wouldn't try to dress them. Not at that age.
Nor would I check whether they are asleep. I would change what your reaction to it is. Talk to your boss.
I would talk to the school. You won't be the first parent who has experienced this. And talk to your children to get to the bottom of this behaviour. Calmly. Agree a plan with the school. Is Dad not about ?

Brilliant.

Hope you’re turning the wifi off too!!

My brother tried this a few mornings when we were little then my dad was home doing a late start he picked him up over his shoulder stood him outside and said right you go like that then and my dad started walking down the path my brother yelled and banged on the door begging to be let in to get dressed never tried that again

Dear headteacher,

Since (insert month here) both (child a) and (child b) have been refusing to get up and dressed for school.

I have tried getting everything out the night before, sending them to bed earlier, waking them earlier and ensuring that all that they need to do in the morning is get dressed and eat breakfast.

Despite this, the only way that I am getting them out of the door is to physically dress them both whilst they stand there, rigid. I’m at my wits end as it is a daily battle.

I have broached this with both children and Dd11 shrugs and says she does not care. Child b is the same.

This is a daily battle not only completely unmanagable but it is resulting in me regularly being late for work. My boss have noto ed and and my job is now at risk.

Please would it be possible to arrange a meeting with the relevant members of staff to discuss ideas to support this. I welcome any referrals to agencies that can help such as social services or the neuro diversity team.

In the meantime, I cannot risk my job any more. With this in mind, from Monday I will now be packing the children's clothes in a bag with a packed breakfast, toothbrush and toothpaste.

Please may I have your permission and support in the short term to deliver the children to school in their pyjamas if they are not dressing themselves until we can find help to move this forward. I hope that a week of this before the end of term may help.

Kind regards

Mum who needs some help.