AIBU to tell my kids I won’t be able to buy them anything for Christmas?

[imsoverytired82]

Because I’ll lose my job.

dd9 and 11 simply won’t get up and dressed for school. I’ve tried everything. Clothes ready and waiting, nothing for them to do other than get dressed. It’s been like this for months. Dd11 shrugs and says she doesn’t care: it doesn’t matter what time I get them up it’s impossible. I physically have to dress them whilst they go rigid. I’m at my wits end as it’s a battle. They go to bed at a reasonable time but it’s a battle to get them to sleep.

im late every day for work. My boss has noticed. Im beginning to resent them as it’s so stressful and my job is my income, sanity etc

this is the only consequences they might care about. Any other ideas gratefully received.

Glad I'm not the only one who read that and instantly thought mine would be going to school in their pyjamas, I'd pick a morning the 11 year old has on the most childish ones she owns or whatever they'd be most embarrassed by and tell her thats how you feel rushing into work late.

I took mine in once with just pants, polo shirt and shoes because thats all she would put on. She hasnt done it again.

I disagree. Old enough to vote, get a mortgage, drive a car, fight in a war, rent a flat and have a family and live completely inedependantly.
The fact that his parents are helping him by living at home while he chooses to do an apprenticeship is a luxury not afforded to many people in todays world and certainly even less through past generations and should be treated as such.
Old enough to know better than to bite the hand that feeds him.

Absolutely, I have been on the school side supporting parents through this before.

He's 19 not 9. A grown man by all accounts.

This very much depends on the reason they are not going. Is there underlying anxiety or issues. Threats won't help if if its emotional based school avoidance neither will promises so it depends whsts going on ?

Take them in their PJ'S, take their phone chargers, change the internet password, take the plugs off of all TV's, then take them to the GP because the 11yr old sounds depressed.

What do they do all day ? I definitely would be making it as boring as possible! No screens etc
Unusual that its both children ?
Is EWO involved? I’d also be mentioning you could go to jail ! Also consequences of them not going to school , no qualifications, no job etc

It amazes me how you get to that point. Why is it an option. My kids tried it once and never again. He sat in the living room all day no tv phone or gadgets I didn't engage at all. His packed school lunch was on unit so he could get food. He was so bored that it never happened again.

Well it would teach them to get bloody dressed then. My DS was 3 when I did it. I've not heard of it happening above reception class age.

It really sounds like you’re drowning right now, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this, you’re trying to keep a roof over their heads, get them to school, and hold your job together, and you’re doing it all on your own strength. Anyone would be struggling in your shoes.

What you’re describing doesn’t sound like “naughtiness.”

Kids who go rigid, refuse to get dressed for months, and say they “don’t care” are usually overwhelmed, anxious, or struggling with an unmet need. Punishing/ threateningChristmas won’t fix that for you or them, it’ll just add more stress to an already heavy load.

Try

Speaking to the school.
Tell them exactly what’s happening in the mornings. Schools have family support workers, pastoral staff, and attendance teams who can help take some pressure off you and may even be seeing the same struggles during the day. In Wales we have Sure Start, there may be a similar team where you are. Taken them in their PJ's! I promise the school won't mind. I've done it.

Ask for a GP appointment.
Persistent refusal and going rigid can sometimes be linked to anxiety, sensory issues, ASD/ADHD, or emotional overload. Getting support early could change everything.

Remove the “battlefield” from the schedule.
Instead of “get dressed now or we’re late,” try (some won't like this but meh!)

Let them sleep in school clothes (lots of parents do this just to survive).

Put clothes by the heater/radiator so they feel soft and warm when they put them on.

Move the morning routine to a quiet, low-sensory environment, graduated wake up, go in 20 mins before, put on a light, no TV, fewer instructions at once. Give polite orders rather than request, not "please put your shoes on" try "put your shoes on, thank you".

Save your energy for the non-negotiable: getting out of the door. If brushing hair, socks, or shoes cause meltdowns, carry them and sort details at school if absolutely necessary. Survival mode is allowed.

Please don’t threaten Christmas, explain about work instead, try and get them to understand.

You’re a good mum. You’re exhausted, not failing, and there’s help available. You don’t need to carry this alone.

I was a kid like that. It turns out I have Ehlers Danlos Hypermobility, Fibromyalgia, severe depression and Bipolar. I couldn't articulate what was wrong with me so just rebelled and refused. What I needed was a diagnosis, therapy, a treatment plan and someone to take notice of the pain I was in (both mentally and physically).
My parents began to resent me and my dad then bullied me mercilessly. Which only added to everything.
It took a complete breakdown at 20 before I was able to get diagnosed and treatment. Im 39 now.
It might not be any of these things, of course, but there is something going on. One might be influenced by the other that is struggling, thinking "if they're not going then I'm not going either".

Yanbu. I've told dd aged 9 that and explained why. She totally understands and won't go without as grandparents are getting her some bits. Christmas is about spending time together not what you buy.

As for being late due to being in pj's ..just take child in pj's with school clothes in a bag. I suspect that lesson will only be needed once. Prewarn the school but I'm sure that be on board with that.

Took DD to nursery in her PJs quite often. It didn't work for her. What helped was a sticker chart (she was 4!). No crying in the morning got a sticker. 4 stickers in a week got a small present. For her it was transition that was the problem. I don't know how you could translate that to older DC?

Sounds like emotional based school avoidance to me. Threatening them with that won’t help. I suggest checking out the not fine in school facebook group.

All this talk of concequences and punishments. I would be cautious of going in with the frame of mind that they are simply being naughty.
There has to be something more going on here. I think you need to get to the root of the problem as to why they avoiding school.

Have school noticed anything? Bullying? Possible neurodivergence?

This is coming from a mum who has been dealing with emotionally based school avoidance (EBSA) for 10 years with 3 different children, I get how frustrating it is, we've been to hell and back.
There is a great Facebook group you can join called Not Fine In school and you will see just how big of a problem this is and how you are definatley not alone in your struggles, so much support in that group.

I think, if you were everybody's parent we would live in a better world. 💜

I know someone who took the doors off the kids' bedrooms and put them in the shed. Took everything that wasn't a basic necessity out of their bedrooms too.

It didn't happen a second time.

I guess you could threaten them with home schooling, OP, and do a practice day all day one weekend. Which might demonstrate to them why they don't want that.

One of my DS who has ASD was cycled to an appointment (not school) in just his pants as he didnt want to go so refused to get dresed. Well it was a rather cold day and he promptly got dressed on arrival. He often threw his shoes too as a way of avoiding leaving the house so had to walk to the car on the gravel surface. Both situations were really upsetting and unpleasant but another experienced ASD parent drummed it into me how essential it was to have boundaries otherwise life will be an utter nightmare. Hes 19 now.

i had that done to me, i would never do it to my kids, it is such a massive violation of privacy and safe space that a child is entitled to.

Setting boundaries as a parent, and making it clear they should be adhered to or a reasonable consequence will occur, with space to talk about fears/anxieties/worries is NOT the same as stripping a child of all dignity, privacy and their belongings, leaving them with nothing to even try and work up from.

(edit to replace a wrong word)

I think it’s definitely okay to say that. Last year mine were 17, 11, and 9 and not helping with chores or pulling their weight around the house whatsoever. I said if I had to reduce my work hours just to make sure the house was habitable, they’d be out a LOT of the fun treats and classes and “just because” money they’ve come to rely on. No more expensive sports and clothes and trips.

It’s not perfect, but they shaped up quite a lot.

Take away their beds for starters. Sleeping bag on a hard floor might make them more inclined not to lie around.
Also you're not giving enough info , which one started it? When? Why?
What have you tried in terms of punishment?

Hi OP. Looks like most of the responses fall into two camps 1) just make them and 2) try to find out the underlying cause.

I would go with 2 every time, trying to build relationships rather than humiliate and distress them. Because you'd be devastated if there was an underlying reason but you'd just forced them.

Suggestions of talking to school, Early Help Hub, School Nurse and GP all worth exploring.

As an interim measure, do you have any scope to put in a flexible working request for a later start (but don't tell the children!) maybe reducing lunch time if over 30 mins or finishing a bit later, so you're not out of pocket?

And maybe explain the implications of being late ongoing may mean losing your job/not getting Christmas presents. If you do this, I'd recommend doing it "over dinner" or some other calm time, so they're able to hear and listen, rather than think it's a threat and knee jerk reaction.

These suggestions are from my experience, but all families are different. Good luck. I do understand the difficulties with work. X

I would follow through with them going in their pj's. I would take their uniform with me in a carrier bag.