To think that if we’re making all this money but not showing it off… what’s the point?

[TheTaupeMoose]

I’m not saying you have to be tacky but I do sometimes wonder if we work this hard, earn more, level up and still don’t celebrate it or show it in any way… what’s the point? There’s this modern guilt around “boasting” or “showing off,” especially online but honestly, why shouldn’t people wear the designer bag, post the trip or drive the nice car if they earned it? You get told to hustle but then shamed for enjoying the results.

I get that quiet wealth is a thing. But sometimes, I think the visibility is part of the reward. Especially if you come from a background where having anything at all once felt impossible.

AIBU to think that maybe showing off a little isn’t shallow, maybe it’s the point?

Why is visibility part of the reward? Why do you need to flaunt your ‘success’? Is it not enough to know you’ve done well and have a financially comfortable life?

Is your house mortgage free? Is your pension fully topped up? Do you have a chunk in savings to help your children through university or as the deposit on a house? If the answer to any of these is no, stop splurging, a designer bag is a just an overpriced accessory.

i agree with the others OP, you sound insecure and shallow.

Our household income is substantial. We don’t care for cars or bags. Such ostentatious displays of wealth are indeed tacky. We have 4 children and we aim to get them all through uni debt free and with a £100k house deposit, and still have enough to retire at 55. We consider that a far better use of our money.

there's a difference between people noticing your rich and making sure people can see you're rich. the last reeks of insecurity

This is just stereotypical nonsense, I know quite a few old money and I can assure you they dress very well. Real life is not a jilly cooper novel.

if anything, and I will make my own stereo type, and that is those who are not actually wealthy, just not skint, maybe straddling the line between working class and lower middle, want to show it off. Those who are actually wealthy usually do not show it off, irrelevant if they earned it themselves or its generational.

as said, up thread, I earned it myself, you’d likely make an assumption if you knew me, due to where I live and how I dress, the car I drive, the privately educated child. But I’ve never ever showed it off, neither has my husband, nor would we ever consider it. So as we earned it ourselves and it’s not generational. We would be classed as nouveau riche. Everyone I know in my bracket is similar. We also live close to old money, our neighbours, in multi million pound houses. They also don’t show it off. But neither do they walk about in hand me down clothing, they are very well dressed indeed, and their homes beautiful, but they are also high earners in their own right.

if I had to make a stereotypical assumption, it’s the op is far from what most people would consider remotely wealthy.. Shes simply not in that bracket, She’s just got enough disposable income to buy some nice things, maybe a nice car on a loan repayment, house on a new build estate, can afford a decent but not extravagent holiday, but it feels wealthy to her, compared to what she’s used to, and she wants to show off she’s no longer in the poor bracket.

so my stereotype is she’s not remotely wealthy, by most people’s standards. She’s just done better than her up bringing, of which she felt ashamed, and now she can afford a few nice bits she wants to spend on them and show off.

I think it's really sad that you give any weight to how much money people think you have.

I am an in an incredibly fortunate to be relatively financially secure, with savings, retirement, and provision for my children all sorted. I have a comfortable life and money worries aren't one of the things that keep me awake at night. I couldn't give a shiny shit about how much money people do or don't think I have. It's the least relevant or interesting thing about anyone - or at least, it should be.

Why does it matter to you? Do you believe that having money makes you better than someone who doesn't, or more worthy of respect? Exactly what do you get from 'showing off'?

Not a brag, but a statement of fact: My husband and I are each individually multi-millionaires. We are very fortunate.

I have never owned nor wanted a designer bag. The only bag I want is one that is functional and perhaps, as a bonus, looks nice. I couldn't care less what brand it is, or whether people notice what brand it is.

We both drive basic cars, which are now 9 and 11 years old. We bought them new which I know not everyone is able to do, but we had no interest in buying cars that show off our wealth. We wanted practical, reliable, safe cars and that's what we got.

We don't hide that fact that we are relatively wealthy, but we certainly have no interest in showing it off. It never occurred to me that this would be the most important reason to have money!

I don't get your point.
If our income suddenly doubled, we would enjoy the holidays, we might upgrade from our 16 year old car, we might even move to a larger house.

We would certainly enjoy the buffer that our good fortune would provide and I think in many situations money can soften life's blows.

I don't feel that we'd get any benefit from needing to be seen to be better off though.
I doubt care for bags and designer clothes and id be very happy with a car that got us from a to b comfortably without caring particularly about the brand (I like Japanese cars but that's because we've found them to be both comfortable and reliable). My priority would be heated seats and parking sensors, not the badge on it.

I probably have those things. Don’t show them off nor would I get pleasure from that but if someone sees me wearing a nice bag or whatever so be it. I certainly wouldn’t post stuff like that online! I don’t have anything to prove to anyone.

Where's the criticism?

Social media is a race to the bottom of one-upmanship and making everyone look like they're living such amazing lives. I'd guess the massive majority of people trying to look successful on social media do not have their retirement and their childrens' futures sorted unfortunately.

So yes, I think take care of those things first, or at least prioritise them very highly alongside showing off.

I'll freely admin I am not a social media or a showing off person. So I don't really get it. But I spend money on other things that most people would think is a stupid waste of money. But I put retirement and my family's futures first.

"Showing off" to whom, and why? It wouldn't impress me because I'm not interested in cars or designer bags and neither know nor care how much they cost.

I'm not wanting to impress anyone with my personal belongings, and the people who are anxious to impress others in that way do strike me as being vulgar and yes, quite laughably shallow.

You show off by retiring early and never having to work ever again.

Honestly, I think people who 'show off' about money must be insecure somehow.
Theres liking and buying nice things and then there's making it known to everyone how much money you spend and on what. The latter type of person, I try to avoid ( and I do know a few) because I find it so shallow and empty.

It's the 'look at me!' element that is tacky. By all means spend money on stuff that makes you happy or feel more secure, but not because you think someone else will be impressed.

Dh had a friend who whenever he bought something new mentioned how much it cost. Didn't matter what it was. Car, trainers, holiday. We always had to know how much it cost and it always cost A LOT. Because he could afford to buy expensive things. He was showing off and it made him look a twat. I didn't begrudge him the fact he could afford whatever he wanted. Fantastic! I just didn't need to know about it. If he was trying to impress he failed miserably.

As you might.

What do you mean exactly by showing off? Taking their friends out to dinner and paying the bill? Flashing the cash at the school charity auction?
Most wealthy people I know have bigger houses and/or in nicer areas, go on more and/or expensive holidays. Perhaps have a nice car. Is that what you mean? But they don’t go around saying ‘oh we’re off to our chalet in Gstaad at the weekend- we go as often as we can’ unless talking to others with chalets. Like wearing designers clothes - no labels, if you know you know!
There’s quietly wealthy and vulgarity. I know which side I’d be on.

It's funny as today I'm seeing this everywhere and it's from the US - Jack Black and Kevin Gates.

I'm not saying very rich people don't dress well - they can and it's easier but often they feel much less need to than people with something to still prove .

It’s not odd for it to be taboo when we are in the middle of a Cost of Living crisis!

I really wanted a Birkin bag, but at more than the cost of a vehicle, I couldn’t justify it, so I searched for a dupe. I’m completely happy with the dupe, which is real leather (not “buttery soft” though) but gives the look I was searching for - at £80.00. If anyone were to ask, I would come clean that it’s a dupe - wouldn’t want to infer that I’d blown £25,000 on a bag, as that would be rather distasteful in current climes!

But then I tend to be more of a person for showing off a bargain than how much I spent… People are amazed that I spend so little on my appearance!

I don't need other people to be aware of my enjoyment of my prosperity?

Some things will of course be obvious to others but that would not be a reason i would buy it. Eg i might choose a handbag due to its size, function, durability. It may happen to be from an expensive brand but the price is likely to be due to quality.

I will not be carrying one of those lower quality "entry level" bags expensive brands like LV make covered in the logo which are primarily about you advertising that you've bought that brand.

If you want to tell everyone how much you earn you do you. No one is stopping you.

What I don't understand is WHY. I don't know anyone remotely interested in how much my partner and I earn 😂hell, I dont even know how much he earns rn 😂

Sounds like you're insecure op, just know, you're worth more than the money. You're amazing regardless of what's in your bank account. Hopefully one day you'll find peace in yourself and you'll be truly happy, regardless of material possessions.

I think this is such a strange attitude- that it's important to you that other can visibly see you doing well or having lots of money. I get the having a nice home/holidays etc because it makes your life nicer but why does the visibility matter? Do you want people to comment on it? Or just notice? Not being goady I have just never felt the need for external validation around my finances in that way.

it’s questioning why showing any visible enjoyment is automatically framed as shallow or inferior

Its because its selfish, it makes the many many struggling people around you feel bad.

This is the same person (/bot) who won’t tell people at work what they did at the weekend. Not sure why anyone bothers engaging.

What do you mean by show off? Are you saying you could live in a mansion but live in a tiny terrace with an outdoor toilet ?

By all means, enjoy life, live in a big house, drive a nice car, wear designer clothes and spend Christmas in the Caribbean or wherever you want. Nobody cares…there’s always someone more wealthy (and more impressive if that’s your standard).

But what do you mean by show off? You want to make people envious, or worse about their own circumstances? Or think they’ll somehow think you’re somehow a superior being? Or something else?

Why do I need to show anyone what I buy or do? I just enjoy it myself.

We are pretty well off to the point of probably being rich. I have and do lovely things for the sheer pleasure of them not to show off. Other people probably don't realise how much my handbags/jewelley costs (I don't buy things covered in ostentatious logos) or know I fly club class on planes or eat out several times a week. I do these things for fun and luxury not to be a boasty boaster.

And we only started to feel rich once our old age plans were in order. Until then we were still saving and investing not splashing out on luxuries.