Relationship issues kids/step kids

[89Mumof3]

So me and my husband are having issues, he's constantly moaning and generally very negative towards me and the kids. Apparently I don't support him, but not sure what I'm meant to do, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Here's a bit of a background, my husband has 2 kids from a previous, when we got together he saw them every other weekend for a day, which to begin with was on his own and eventually with me and my son from a previous as well. I organised birthday parties for them with all the family, bought the food and got the house decorated to make it special.
All was going well until 2020 (COVID), I worked in a care home so his ex wouldn't let the kids come round as it was too risky, by the time it was ok we'd had our daughter, the kids showed little interest which is completely understandable. We still went on days out although contact did start to dwindle as we never got back into the routine before COVID. We got married 2021, his daughter was bridesmaid, his son wasn't very well so didn't come, was meant to be page boy but it was fine.
Roll on to 2023, we had our other daughter and contact was roughly two to three a year birthdays and Christmas, Easter eggs got dropped round the house.
Present day, things have changed, very sadly their mother passed away suddenly in August and they now live with their grandparents (his daughter practically lived round there anyway). The kids seem ok, although I've not seen them as I feel it's important that they develop their relationship with their Dad first and the house is so busy with a 5 year old and a 2 year old their would be no time to talk properly. Last time they came round in the summer (July) his son was crying because I told him to come off the playstation for dinner, I didn't mean to upset him it's just I have a no technology rule when eating.
I have told my husband they can come round for 4 hours on a weekend, but 7 hours (like he normally has them) is too long as my daughter's will want the TV, there's not a lot of room and depending on the weather going to be shut indoors, we only have a 5 seater so can't fit everyone in the car. I have zero issues in him taking them to the cinema or bowling afterwards, but our 2 and 5 year old are too young at the moment. They're not bonded and forcing a long drawn out day on them seems a recipe for disaster. Last time I tried to make cakes and biscuits with them but they weren't interested. I keep getting told I'm unsupportive and being unhelpful. At the moment he takes them to his Mum's and she makes them food and drink, if they come here it's me running around after 4 kids, my son is 16 now and works weekends otherwise he'd help. I'm really not sure what I'm meant to do? Sorry for the long post I feel like my marriage is hanging by a thread, there's so many issues and I feel he'll walk away just like he did his ex, the kids are the same ages and he's really unhappy.
Thanks any suggestions welcome

Teenage girls are going to be on their phones, that’s what they do,

A 9 year old boy who has lost his mum can cry whenever he likes and as much as he wants.

Your DH should be spending as much time as he possibly can with them at their grandparents house, or taking them out from there, so they get to know him, first and foremost.

Can you hear yourself?

Your working, he's minding 2 of his kids so he can't see his other motherless kids.

Your 2 gr old would be bored? So what?! She's 2 for God sake, like her big brother was when his dad completely abandoned him.

You keep saying you are looking for suggestions to make it work but adding “my DH wouldn’t do that”

He doesn’t want to put the effort in to make it work. He is a failure as a father and clearly hasn’t been a very good partner to you either.

The way you make this situation work is by leaving.

OP - you need to stop factoring your own kids into this. Find someone else to babysit if need be. The older kids are the priority as THEY HAVE JUST LOST THEIR MUM. You also can't expect them to have a relationship with your kids, or particularly want to spend time with them. Teens/tweens rarely enjoy hanging out with little kids, particularly ones they barely know. And that just isn't a priority right now.

You need to make the stepkids feel welcome in your home - which would be THEIR home in a less dysfunctional family. But you're obviously just not going to do this.

You had more kids when he wasn’t even being a decent parent to the children he already had and now you want t dictate how long these bereaved children can be in their own fathers home?

Look at yourself and ask yourself if that’s the person you really want to be. Your step children deserve so much better.

“I’m sorry my husband can’t parent his children because my precious baby might be bored for a little while, or may have to switch off her cartoons to let someone else watch the tv. But give me suggestions on below to make it work.”

If you can’t ask your precious child to even give up control of the television then you aren’t willing to make it work yourself.

It’s clear neither of you want this to work. You want to be alone as your new family. Your DSC will see this as plain as we can all see it. The new children are priority and anything that might disturb how they want things is unacceptable. You are actively contributing to the abandonment of these children.

You are not a nice person - 4 hrs per week because you and your children are the focus and not two grieving children - sorry this ahs to be a piss take.

They should eb living with their father, not with their grandparents but with your attitude who could blame them.

Take a step back, look at yourself and realise how vile what you ahve just written is. If you would not accept this for your own children - god forbid they are in the same place as your stepchildren - then it is not acceptable for your step kids. How old are these children?

The OP appears to be so tone-deaf that I am starting to believe this whole thread is a wind-up. It's the TV comment - the older kids have lost their mum, but that's not nearly as much of a problem as a 2 or 5 year old not being able to watch telly for a few hours. Surely nobody human would even think such a thing?

I have two children with DH and he has three older children from his previous marriage. The youngest two don’t bother with him anymore (looong story and some serious alienation)

His eldest comes over regularly. Our shared DC are under two. Under no circumstances would I ever put a timeframe on how long his children could stay. If it’s disruptive, it’s up to you as parents to manage that, not stopping his children from coming! Our routines continue as normal when my stepson stays, with the toddler occasionally allowed to stay up a bit later to spend time with his brother. If the younger two were still coming over, same thing. They’re siblings, not a random friends kids! They’re allowed and welcome to come over and stay over as long as they want. They’ll always have space here.

As a stepmother, yes, part of your role is to help facilitate and be supportive. If that means sucking it up for a bit and being mildly put out for a few hours, so be it. A change in routine for a day is not a big deal. Your daughter not getting what she wants to watch on TV isn’t going to impact her in the long run is it. Not like two motherless children not getting to spend time with their remaining loving parent, who they also have to share. Who have to see their Dad being a full time parent to other children, but not them.

Honestly, I think your husband is right on this one. You do sound very unsupportive and you’re also being a bit of a blocker.

If I wanted to say what I really think of you and your husband I would get banned from mumsnet. Them poor, poor children.

I know your right he's not an "effort" guy as you put it. All the blame goes on me, he's gaslighted me so many times I've lost count. I feel enormous pressure to make this work, but it's an uphill battle with not a lot of help from him. They are his children, I expect him to at least help and come up with some ideas, but he has none.
Some days he's great with our kids, but I have to admit they're a rarity, he's good at telling them off not so good on the praise. Practical wise, he'll make them drinks sometimes has to moan about it and dinner occasionally. He's not good at the playing with them or engaging with them, I'm guessing that's because he's miserable and just wants to sit on his phone. I think this situation has just opened up cracks that were already there, but every time I try my ideas are ripped apart or told I'm not being supportive.

I think you need to realise you've backed a bad horse!

You chose to marry and have children with a man, who simply doesn't care about his children. He never did and if the death of their mother didn't change that nothing will.

How do you think he would treat your children, in the unlikely event something happened you? Would they also be given to their grandparents?

I think you need to reconsider your relationship -
Is it good enough for you?
Is it good enough for your children?
Is he the type of man you want & deserve on your lives?

No, no, don't be silly. She is totally happy to do whatever it takes to help her recently bereaved stepchildren. Anything. As long as it doesn't inconvenience her or her children in any way whatsoever. And of course, suggestions which include her DH doing anything at all are no use to her because he won't.

So, suggestions for things that you can do to help a child whose mother is dead, whose father is useless and whose SM and siblings see them as an inconvenience, that can be done with no effort or lifestyle changes, only, please. OP has been very clear that she's not willing to make any changes at all to the current set-up.

WOW!

You are the problem here.

Their mother just died.
If my step kids mum had just died I would be stepping up! Their Father should be stepping up.

I feel you caused them not to see him as much in the first place, he should of moved heaven and earth to be with them right now and be rebuilding those bonds that have been broken.

4 hours because of tv! Jesus

They should be living with their Father.

Absolute shame on both of you.

100% this post.

When they are all in the lounge fighting over one TV on a weekend, what is your DH doing? Out at the gym? Down the pub?

Those poor children. Take a good look at yourself. Horrible!

I work, keep the house functioning, and the kids looking nice. I don't get much help.

I think this is the bit that most posters are ignoring in their rush to point out how awful OP is.

OP works outside the home, and also does everything for her own kids inside the home and is also expected to do everything for her step-kids by her useless husband when they’re there.

That isn’t sustainable for anyone.

🖕

What's going to happen when the grandparents can no longer raise his kids, send them off to social services and foster care because your 2 year old gets bored?

🖕

RTFT

Umm...maybe you need to RTFT. She is correct. Those poor children.

I can't even bring myself to respond to this, except to say that the OP and husband are behaving atrociously considering these poor children's mother has died.
Shame on you both, I really hope the children are okay.

Honestly, @89Mumof3 OP, I would start making plans to leave. The DSC should be your STBXH's responsibility and he clearly wants to foist this on you, when you are already submerged. Can you and your DS manage to get a place with your joint income, child maintenance (...), funded hours and DS (if he is out of school) doing some childcare for his half siblings? I think we know STBXH won't do any of the childcare for your younger two.

Ok, so firstly your step kids came over regularly, that's great, but not our situation. Our kids aren't bonded, nor are his kids bonded with their Dad, if they was it would not be an issue.
No time frame on how long they see their Dad, just how long we all spend in the house, it's not about the TV, more about the fact that the 13 year blanks our daughters which leads to tantrums as they don't understand why they don't want to play with them, she's not used to being ignored, which I believe could damage her self esteem.
Secondly I have sucked it up and enjoyed them when they were younger and have taken them out, bought them games and toys took them on Easter egg hunts and made our own. Now they're older )and we've got 2 younger ones, our choice I know but can hardly send them back) I find it harder, hence why I've come here, any helpful suggestions welcome.

Maybe you need to read the thread. Calling a woman who does everything ‘horrible’ whilst ignoring the actual father’s responsibility is pretty sexist.

That's an interesting interpretation.