Relationship issues kids/step kids

[89Mumof3]

So me and my husband are having issues, he's constantly moaning and generally very negative towards me and the kids. Apparently I don't support him, but not sure what I'm meant to do, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Here's a bit of a background, my husband has 2 kids from a previous, when we got together he saw them every other weekend for a day, which to begin with was on his own and eventually with me and my son from a previous as well. I organised birthday parties for them with all the family, bought the food and got the house decorated to make it special.
All was going well until 2020 (COVID), I worked in a care home so his ex wouldn't let the kids come round as it was too risky, by the time it was ok we'd had our daughter, the kids showed little interest which is completely understandable. We still went on days out although contact did start to dwindle as we never got back into the routine before COVID. We got married 2021, his daughter was bridesmaid, his son wasn't very well so didn't come, was meant to be page boy but it was fine.
Roll on to 2023, we had our other daughter and contact was roughly two to three a year birthdays and Christmas, Easter eggs got dropped round the house.
Present day, things have changed, very sadly their mother passed away suddenly in August and they now live with their grandparents (his daughter practically lived round there anyway). The kids seem ok, although I've not seen them as I feel it's important that they develop their relationship with their Dad first and the house is so busy with a 5 year old and a 2 year old their would be no time to talk properly. Last time they came round in the summer (July) his son was crying because I told him to come off the playstation for dinner, I didn't mean to upset him it's just I have a no technology rule when eating.
I have told my husband they can come round for 4 hours on a weekend, but 7 hours (like he normally has them) is too long as my daughter's will want the TV, there's not a lot of room and depending on the weather going to be shut indoors, we only have a 5 seater so can't fit everyone in the car. I have zero issues in him taking them to the cinema or bowling afterwards, but our 2 and 5 year old are too young at the moment. They're not bonded and forcing a long drawn out day on them seems a recipe for disaster. Last time I tried to make cakes and biscuits with them but they weren't interested. I keep getting told I'm unsupportive and being unhelpful. At the moment he takes them to his Mum's and she makes them food and drink, if they come here it's me running around after 4 kids, my son is 16 now and works weekends otherwise he'd help. I'm really not sure what I'm meant to do? Sorry for the long post I feel like my marriage is hanging by a thread, there's so many issues and I feel he'll walk away just like he did his ex, the kids are the same ages and he's really unhappy.
Thanks any suggestions welcome

I don’t think either of them are covering themselves in glory here

Yes I know, but when they're blanking their younger siblings it's hard to watch.
Last time they came over was before his mum died, I don't think he's used to rules which is why he cried when I told him to come off the playstation for dinner. It's the same rules for my 16 year old and the TV goes off for the girls or whatever they're playing with goes away
I want him to get to know them, and he is doing, just trying to figure out the next step so it works mostly for everyone

I think you've shot yourself in the foot by talking about your kids TV time and them getting bored at bowling, or them being ignored by th step kids. None of that matters. At all. The sooner you realise that the better.

Not really, when you pay attention to nuance rather than just getting out the pitchforks for a step-mother.

Your husband is a useless dick. I'd be preparing for him to behave exactly the same way to your children when he fucks off in the future or when you realise he is pathetic and you've had enough. Make sure you've got yourself organised.

I said it reinforces the notion, not my notion. It has been a trending discussion in the past.

I don't have any strong views myself. I think it's certainly possible to love and care deeply for children that are not yours. I don't have experience to be able to claim with certainty the extent you can feel such love for step kids, as much as your biological kids.

Your small children may have tantrums. You've put them in this situation. You chose their father. You brought them into a home that had no capacity for them. You've created space by ignoring his previous children

You are why the children have no bond

NOW you're blaming that lack of bond for continuing to mistreat these children.

It's so deplorable.

For god's sake, they don't owe your children a relationship. Their mum has JUST DIED. This isn't about you or your kids. Anyway - your kids are fine, they've got their beloved TV to watch.

Another interesting interpretation.

The word 'horrible' - if we're going to split hairs here - was standalone and could refer to the thread or situation as much as the stepmother.

Who, FWIW, I think is pretty ghastly, alongside her even more ghastly and useless husband.

No time frame on how long they see their Dad, just how long we all spend in the house, it's not about the TV, more about the fact that the 13 year blanks our daughters which leads to tantrums as they don't understand why they don't want to play with them, she's not used to being ignored, which I believe could damage her self esteem.

The 13 year old year old has just lost her mum and has been rejected by her dad!!!!! How the fuck do you think her self esteem is?!?!

She's clearly grieving, feels lost and absolutely not welcome in your home and all you are bothered about is your precious child who might feel a bit ignored for a few hours and can't watch TV.

💯

So many people giving the dad a free pass whilst blaming OP for everything.

Yes I know, but when they're blanking their younger siblings it's hard to watch

But they aren't siblings, in any meaningful sense. They haven't shared a house with them 24/7 (or even seven hours a week!) like your 16 year old.

So tantruming kids is fine for hours on end, because they can't watch the TV, the kids ignore them, they can't get loads of toys out because there's less room is all ok? I care about my 2 year old and 5 year old well being. The TV doesn't have to be on, but the 9 year old will want it, so I just say no TV then no one is happy, does that work? I'm not taking a 2 year old bowling that just sounds stressful, I don't mind not going and he goes bowling with the 13, 9 and 5 year old who might actually enjoy it and not ruin it for everyone, does that work?

If your kids tantrum when they can't watch TV for hours whenever they want, then there's a parenting problem.

I don't mind not going and he goes bowling with the 13, 9 and 5 year old who might actually enjoy it and not ruin it for everyone, does that work?

If your DH will actually do this, that sounds like a good idea, yes.

It clearly is aimed at OP, she’s telling OP to have a look at herself.

You are really reaching.

So those are the options? TV or bowling? Nothing else?

And your kids tantruming for hours on end because they can't watch TV is really, really not normal and shows really shit parenting.

I have a 17 year old daughter I also have 2 much younger siblings.

If they spent time together just within the house all the time you will find yes some days they ignore them all bloody day. Other days they don't they play and joke around together. You are seeing a snippet of this (between 4 and 7 hours per week)
Unfortunately they are not there long enough to show an interest in what they think are annoying little kids (sorry but that's what most teenagers think of little kids even if yours are little angels)

If you had them full time or more than a few hours a week you would see a change.
But you don't.

This thread is so frustrating. It's really clear that the SM doesn't want her stepkids round because they 'ignore' her kids and disrupt their busy TV watching schedule. No point responding because there are no 'helpful suggestions' that she will find acceptable.

Those poor kids/stepkids.

Ok I'm beginning to think this is a wind up. If your kid is tantrumming for hours just because they're not getting their own way then that is a parenting problem at this point. I've taken plenty of 2 year olds bowling and it really isn't an issue. You are putting so many imaginary blocks in the way.

OP, I’d repost this in Step parenting or Relationships and focus more on the fact that your DH does nothing.

You are being taken for an absolute mug and this is causing you to resent his kids rather than your husband.

You need proper advice which you’re not going to get in pitchfork-ready AIBU.

That's your interpretation. But this wouldn't be Mumsnet if someone didn't come along to tell people they're being sexist for criticising the OP in any way.

forcing them to spend time in our house with people they hardly know seems a bit mean.

Fucking hell. They're FAMILY! Your husband has other children besides the two he has with you. Your children have siblings. That's why they should spend time together.

Your husband sounds like an avoidant arsehole. What was his reason for not wanting an extension built to give them space to stay?

He obviously can't be bothered with his older children, they know it and that's why they can't be bothered with him.

Also you now know what to expect of your husband should you ever split up.

OP, do you have anywhere you can take your 2 and 5 year old - to your parents or to a mum friend's house, say? Then DH could hang out at yours on a weekend afternoon with his kids.

I do appreciate you are tight for space, so there needs to be times when some of you are out of the house and some of you in it, but that the DSCs are with (at least) their dad, if not their half siblings.

Not at all, he's horrific but that doesn't mean she isn't.