Relationship issues kids/step kids

[89Mumof3]

So me and my husband are having issues, he's constantly moaning and generally very negative towards me and the kids. Apparently I don't support him, but not sure what I'm meant to do, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Here's a bit of a background, my husband has 2 kids from a previous, when we got together he saw them every other weekend for a day, which to begin with was on his own and eventually with me and my son from a previous as well. I organised birthday parties for them with all the family, bought the food and got the house decorated to make it special.
All was going well until 2020 (COVID), I worked in a care home so his ex wouldn't let the kids come round as it was too risky, by the time it was ok we'd had our daughter, the kids showed little interest which is completely understandable. We still went on days out although contact did start to dwindle as we never got back into the routine before COVID. We got married 2021, his daughter was bridesmaid, his son wasn't very well so didn't come, was meant to be page boy but it was fine.
Roll on to 2023, we had our other daughter and contact was roughly two to three a year birthdays and Christmas, Easter eggs got dropped round the house.
Present day, things have changed, very sadly their mother passed away suddenly in August and they now live with their grandparents (his daughter practically lived round there anyway). The kids seem ok, although I've not seen them as I feel it's important that they develop their relationship with their Dad first and the house is so busy with a 5 year old and a 2 year old their would be no time to talk properly. Last time they came round in the summer (July) his son was crying because I told him to come off the playstation for dinner, I didn't mean to upset him it's just I have a no technology rule when eating.
I have told my husband they can come round for 4 hours on a weekend, but 7 hours (like he normally has them) is too long as my daughter's will want the TV, there's not a lot of room and depending on the weather going to be shut indoors, we only have a 5 seater so can't fit everyone in the car. I have zero issues in him taking them to the cinema or bowling afterwards, but our 2 and 5 year old are too young at the moment. They're not bonded and forcing a long drawn out day on them seems a recipe for disaster. Last time I tried to make cakes and biscuits with them but they weren't interested. I keep getting told I'm unsupportive and being unhelpful. At the moment he takes them to his Mum's and she makes them food and drink, if they come here it's me running around after 4 kids, my son is 16 now and works weekends otherwise he'd help. I'm really not sure what I'm meant to do? Sorry for the long post I feel like my marriage is hanging by a thread, there's so many issues and I feel he'll walk away just like he did his ex, the kids are the same ages and he's really unhappy.
Thanks any suggestions welcome

Bloody hell, missed this one. I don’t think I could stand the sight of him after that. Disgraceful

Yep! Your last paragraph nails it. All she's doing is performatively hand-wringing. No intention of actually stepping up in any meaningful way at all.

I hope the kids have youngish grandparents who stick around for a good while yet.

The summer is months off, not reasonable or acceptable. His boy is a sensitive 9yo & that breaks my heart that the their isn’t any consideration to the extra love & time he needs. The girl is a teen & her behaviour is expected especially when she’ll have more understanding of being dropped like a hot potato. The son crying should be an indicator of how bad things got & not a justification to suspend contact or restrict. Your kids have a 2 parent family. It’s completely reasonable to expect him to invest a little more in repairing the damage caused by both your decisions. I find this abhorrent. There is no justification to what has happened but that of it was easier to let them drift off. Covid or not, restrictions on meeting outside in the best summer we had in years where quickly lifted. He could have drove to their house & rtook them out for a walkseveral times a week to keep up contact. It wasn’t like we had anything else to do whilst at home

I wonder if they are the maternal or paternal grandparents. If they are his parents, they must be so ashamed of their son.

He eventually saw his children after their mother died. Wow.

What have I just read? Some people shouldn’t be allowed to have children. Those poor kids, and I mean all of them. Men having more kids than they can house or look after and hardly seeing some of them. Adults not realising the enormity of losing a parent when you’re a child and instead feeling sorry for themselves and shirking their responsibilities. Thank goodness that the older children have their grandparents but god help the younger ones.

just didn't go to McDonald's with them because [...], he still holds it against me that I wasn't my usual self.

Just seen this.
He is angry with you because he had to take his own two DC to McDonalds without you being there to 'help' him, i.e. do all the parenting for him while he sat back and watched.

He is an absolutely useless father.
There is nothing you can do to change this.

Do what you can for his two older DC, but know that
A) it is not actually your job to be their parent and
B) you can't step into that role anyway.

So many posters here are so angry with you - I think that the blame lies 100% with him. You have your hands full trying to manage and balance the needs of 5 children, while he does fuck all and then gets angry with you if you expect anything at all from him.
Your mistake was to choose him as the father of your younger two DC - but what is done is done.

This!
OP where is your empathy for the poor dsc?

I get that you are resentful of having to entertain and take care of all the kids but your step kids aren’t the issue. The problem is that you got with a deadbeat who barely saw his kids, allowed the contact to dwindle to almost nothing and is still now completely unwilling to put in any work to rebuild his relationship with his kids and wants you to do it for him but on his terms. You can’t restrict the time they spend at yours but you can expect him to take responsibility for them and make clear the consequences if he doesn’t. Also, why would the tv be inaccessible for 7 hours, or is he planning to improve the bond with his kids by sitting them in front of it for the entire time they are there?

Ultimately he’s a waste of space as a father, and I suspect as a partner and is unlikely to change. The only thing not clear is why you are worried he will leave.

Honestly the kids deserve to stay with their grandparents. They sound loved by them and treated as people. Your DH on the other hand is a vile cretin. He should have been in the car starting the engine the minute he heard about their mum. He should be there minimum of 2 / 3 nights a week having dinner with them, playing PlayStation or just being present. He should be spending a decent amount of time with them every weekend. He should be dealing with school communications and attending parents evenings. He doesn't need to take them anywhere expensive, a hike or camping or a walk around a city centre at Christmas. None of these things cost money and if things are that tight he should be taking on a second job.

With respect you need to step back. These kids do not need 'family' time of being forced to play with young siblings that they do don't care for. They don't need to feel like they are forced to spend 4 hours in your home and for everyone to clock watch until it's time to go home.

I honestly hope the grandparents are fit and young. They will be looking after the 9 year old for at least another ten years. God forbid they both pass away soon.

Very important question.

If the tv is such a big thing, why don't you get more tvs. We have tvs in our kids bedrooms and ours and use the bedrooms as living rooms. You can easily put timing and reatrictions on tvs in bedrooms.
Quite often the kids camp out in our bed and watch a film as its cozy.
I don't understand the tv thing.
And the 7 hours thing is not understandable either. surely you would be out for part of the day with your kids.
Take them to the park in the mornings, kills 3 hours. Then an hour back to all have lunch. Dh can be doing a separate thing with his kids too to break up the day. I took my boys to the park every saturday while DH played golf. Or a club, or softplay.
You could easily coordinate a 7 hour day with some thought.
I have no idea why you all would sit indoors for 7 hours every weekend. No wonder you are all miserable.

Hallelujah, Jesus! There is sooooo much wrong in your posts that I could actually fight you and your husband on these children's behalf.

COVID - You were high risk, so they couldn't come round. What ACTUAL effort did the twat make to maintain the connection with his children?

NEW BABIES - As usual, the twat figured two new babies would be a good idea - reducing the space previously used by his existing children, from whom he's already disconnected.

BEREAVEMENT- the children lose one parent and instead of the other useless parent taking them to his home and ensuring their every need is met during this awful and confusing time - in typical twattish fashion, he leaves them to the grandparents.

Now he hides behind the excuse of his equally awful wife dictating his bereaved children can only visit foe a few hours, as there's just not enough space, connection, blah blah blah.

I'd be ashamed to be related to him in any fashion. I feel terrible wishing it, but I truly hope you both have no peace in your relationship while you both continue treating these children so abysmally.

I have had an absolute gut full of women who meet shitty fathers, then have more kids with these shitty fathers.

These poor kids. I just hope the grandparents are sensible and love these kids and can care for them despite grieving for their own child.

Yet another shit show.

It is different. Their mom isn’t there. If anything they live with the constant reminder she isn’t there. They live with grandparents who are constantly reminded their daughter isn’t there & you are concerned about how all this affects you.

what advice are you after. You’ve already said you want to kick the can down the road in sorting it because your daughter needs her tv time, that the poor lad cries when he’s at yours so that must mean to give up.

he should be seeing his kids a few times a week. If money is available to extend that should be done as a priority. Because even if they don’t come to live with you. There should be the option of them at least staying the night.

Their father was so totally wrong in not keeping up contact. He could have gone to the courts after Covid but life was obviously easier for him with the few times a year. He's lazy and inconsiderate and lots of other words I can't think of at the moment

I have no answers, I have no experience of blended (well in your case UN-blended) families

Does your useless H even know what interests they have? If they do after school activities?

I don't know what is best for these poor children, in some respects I think they are better off without the useless lump you are married to and to be honest I think you would be better off without him as well. He is not father material even though he's managed to create 4 of them

Doing things with lots of mixed ages can be difficult.

Just ask and keep asking what things they like to do Or give them the option of 2 things to do and they pick out of them and you all can do them

Make it a once a month activity rather than weekly. DHs parents are also your kids grandparents can you do somethings there so you have an extra pair of hands with the 4 children?

What about adding in a family walk park visit as part of their weekend visits. take a ball so they can have a kick around, go on some swings get the teenager a hot drink and have a little chat. thats 45 minutes including the walk there and back.

going to the leisure centre for a swimming for a bit.

Have a look at what local free activities there are in your area. It sounds hard, and these are children going through grief. but honestly none of your DSCs behaviour sounds especially bad, they're on their devices and don't play with the babies. thats all pretty normal.

Your DH needs to be doing more, not you. he needs to be organising things, seeing his children more regularly, can he go for dinner at DSCs GPs one evening a week. he needs to be more active in their day to day life. not just 1 day on the weekend.

It does seem like you are in a hard spot, but most of this breakdown is on DH, not you.

Your husband has a non-existent relationship with his children. He needs to build that relationship up by spending time with them on his own. He needs to massively step-up here, and understand that he's the only parent his children now have. I do understand why your step-children are living with their grandparents at the moment - you physically don't have room and they barely know their Dad.

However, going forward, your husband needs to make plans on how, once a relationship has been built, his children can live with him. So yes, you may need to move or have an extension built to accommodate them. At the moment it seems that your husband is happy to let his children stay with their grandparents for the foreseeable, is resistant to building an extension and still doesn't really see them much. Why?? He should be doing everything in his power to build a relationship - he's not going to build much of one seeing them for 1 day EOW. All this is on your husband.

Once a relationship with his children is built, then start to bring in family days out including your children. Unfortunately, you need to accept that your step-children barely have a relationship with their Dad, it's way too much to expect them to have a relationship with their younger siblings at this point. They are 9 and 13 years old and not interested in two children they don't know. You may also need to accept, your step-children may never bond with their siblings. Your biggest priority is for your husband to build a relationship with his children, and put some effort into it, because at the moment he seems to have a lot of excuses and not much else. You can encourage, but you can't force him to engage.

This is the most shocking post I have ever read on mumsnet. How can anyone let contact with their children dwindle to a few times a year. It’s appalling. How can a couple have such a lack of compassion for bereaved children. Disgusting. Thank god these poor children have their grandparents. I hope they live long happy lives.

your husband is shit. and happy to farm off parenting to whoever he can.

his mum, you, dsc grandparents

rubbish

I always wanted more children and he never showed any interest in wanting them overnight.

And you thought - 'Excellent! This is the man I'll make two more children with. Ya know - he knows the deal, so I'll idiotically make more babies with an already, evidently useless sperm donor '.

Give me strength 🤦🏾‍♀️.

No. When you talking about co signing and having more children with a neglectful and emotionally abusive parent you definitely shoulder some of the blame.

I understand from personal experience how difficult it can be in a situation like this but I think that you are allowing certain things such as a lack of a bond due to time spend apart to create barriers and you're not allowing yourself to find any solution to those barriers.

My stepchildren were brought to our house by social work one day. I had never met them before and DH hadn't seen them for almost 3 years, but had been going through court for access and despite them granting it his ex continued to refuse until eventually things came to light that led to the children being removed from her. I had zero bond and had never even met them and had just had a baby, our house was too small for us all but it was a case of being thrown in the deep end and being for to sink or swim. We had no choice but to find a way through, it was really really hard work but 5 years on we are doing great and a really bonded family (we've since had another child too). It was a few years before we could afford a bigger house for us all but we muddled through until we could. The kids haven't always had the best of gear- clothes, holidays, etc, but we have done our best and they know they are loved which has made more difference than anything we could have bought them. My stepkids and bio kids don't see each other as 'half', they are just brothers and sisters. It was actually hardest for me to let go of the feelings that they weren't my kids, that took me a lot of inner work and reflection but I honestly love them and see them as my kids now.

I can understand why they would live with their grandparents if they had a stronger relationship and more room, but at the same time they need to know that their dad is there for them as a proper dad, they need to know their siblings and feel part of your family and lives. A few hours a week seriously isn't going to cut it. It might be hard work but you need to get them round for full days and sleepovers. It's up to you and their dad to build that bond, not them. I get you want to try do it slowly but unless they are actively saying they want it that that pace, you are only going to create more distance by taking it too slow because they will feel unwanted and unloved by you. You need to start behaving like they are part of your family who should be there and logistics have just stopped that from happening until now but your goal is to be a proper family unit.

Very clearly, your DH (and their DF) is the problem here. He's not making the effort when he's visiting them to have bonding experiences. Kids won't come and just sit and do nothing with you - you have to make an effort and it doesn't sound like he's an 'effort' guy. There is very little you can do - he's got bizarre expectations of you and is trying to get you to do the hard work and then blames you for how inadequate he is. He's a lazy shite. How is he with your joint children?

Thanks, suggestions and help to make it work is definitely what I'm after as this isn't working obviously.
Ok so the one evening a week idea, is ok apart from the fact I work in the evenings so he's looking after our 5 and 2 year old until I get home at 8. I don't think he'd have done it anyway in all honesty.
Unfortunately his mum lives over an hour a way from us, so if goes over he is on his own with them, there's not enough parking for 2 cars or enough room for all of us.
We live in a village in Lincolnshire, the bus service isn't great they live in a town about 25 minutes away there's not loads to do there, cinema and bowling, which I don't think my 2 year old would be interested in and would get bored. If he goes to his mum's she goes bowling/ cinema as she lives near Nottingham so plenty of things to do. I don't think the grandparents would let us borrow their dog, and to be honest when I've borrowed my neighbours dog for our kids my husband wasn't happy, he's not an animal person despite living in a house with cats that are mine.
Our family dynamic is hard, he works in the day, I work every evening Monday-Friday he could see them every weekend maybe one weekend it's an evening the following one for the day? It sounds horrible but I can't see him keeping it up very long. It used to be pushing him to see them, then we had some big rows about something else but I knew I wasn't his priority and neither are our kids so I know I backed off and everything slipped, but I was having a mental breakdown and I didn't have his support and there's not a lot left in my tank 2 years on. Keep picking him up when you're drowning yourself is really hard and I was hoping for something constructive, thanks for your help there's certainly things to think about