Relationship issues kids/step kids

[89Mumof3]

So me and my husband are having issues, he's constantly moaning and generally very negative towards me and the kids. Apparently I don't support him, but not sure what I'm meant to do, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Here's a bit of a background, my husband has 2 kids from a previous, when we got together he saw them every other weekend for a day, which to begin with was on his own and eventually with me and my son from a previous as well. I organised birthday parties for them with all the family, bought the food and got the house decorated to make it special.
All was going well until 2020 (COVID), I worked in a care home so his ex wouldn't let the kids come round as it was too risky, by the time it was ok we'd had our daughter, the kids showed little interest which is completely understandable. We still went on days out although contact did start to dwindle as we never got back into the routine before COVID. We got married 2021, his daughter was bridesmaid, his son wasn't very well so didn't come, was meant to be page boy but it was fine.
Roll on to 2023, we had our other daughter and contact was roughly two to three a year birthdays and Christmas, Easter eggs got dropped round the house.
Present day, things have changed, very sadly their mother passed away suddenly in August and they now live with their grandparents (his daughter practically lived round there anyway). The kids seem ok, although I've not seen them as I feel it's important that they develop their relationship with their Dad first and the house is so busy with a 5 year old and a 2 year old their would be no time to talk properly. Last time they came round in the summer (July) his son was crying because I told him to come off the playstation for dinner, I didn't mean to upset him it's just I have a no technology rule when eating.
I have told my husband they can come round for 4 hours on a weekend, but 7 hours (like he normally has them) is too long as my daughter's will want the TV, there's not a lot of room and depending on the weather going to be shut indoors, we only have a 5 seater so can't fit everyone in the car. I have zero issues in him taking them to the cinema or bowling afterwards, but our 2 and 5 year old are too young at the moment. They're not bonded and forcing a long drawn out day on them seems a recipe for disaster. Last time I tried to make cakes and biscuits with them but they weren't interested. I keep getting told I'm unsupportive and being unhelpful. At the moment he takes them to his Mum's and she makes them food and drink, if they come here it's me running around after 4 kids, my son is 16 now and works weekends otherwise he'd help. I'm really not sure what I'm meant to do? Sorry for the long post I feel like my marriage is hanging by a thread, there's so many issues and I feel he'll walk away just like he did his ex, the kids are the same ages and he's really unhappy.
Thanks any suggestions welcome

Very similar situation to what my Bil was in around 10 years ago, apart from his kids mother went to prison. He lived in a 2 bed house with his partner and 2 kids so no room for anymore. He did the right thing, thankfully, he moved out, rented a house, gave up his job, and claimed benefits for a year so that he could be there to support them. He’d have his other 2 kids and partner over at the weekend and they’d all do things as a family.

Amazingly his relationship with his partner survived, his 2 kids are both at uni now and come home in the holidays. They have a good relationship with their siblings and stepmum.

This.

I don’t say this often on MN but maybe you should have had some consideration for the older children before having more kids you can’t house/afford. How convenient that you have more children than bedrooms now and you can’t possibly have the teenagers living with you.

I can’t believe they are living with grandparents when they have a father.

This is utterly dreadful.

whikst everyone seems to have opinions on your DH and you my understanding is you came on for suggestions of how to make things work.

my suggestions for what it’s worth:
at least one evening a week your DH goes over and either has tea with or takes his kids out for tea - McDonald’s or similar. He can use that time to 1:1 bond play monopoly etc

eow when he sees them maybe on one of those days a month he goes to his mums and maybe you and your children could pop in with a cake you and your kids have made. The other weekend day a month you all do something together - could you borrow their dog and all go out for a walk together and take a picnic? I have no idea where you live but ice skating isn’t that expensive and is fun for everyone - I see really small kids with the push along penguin things. Are you near a train line/bus route with family discount tickets to go to a city with a free museum/bit of looking around the shops. Bowling - little kids could use the buffer thungs. There are parks with the exercise trails which are fun for the older ones. Then you could head home for a few hours afterwards to your house for tea. Having them in your house all day will be hard but there are plenty of cheap things to do.

the kids are not going to rekindle a relationship without fun and effort but fun doesn’t have to cost money.
my children are older now but even now if we all get some fresh air and out with the dog it’s normally quite fun.

if you let us know whereabouts you are in the country and can try and offer some better suggestions.

your husband needs to be taking an active role in school performances assemblies etc and I really think he could do with spending one evening a week with them atleast too.

It would be a disaster for everyone if the older kids moved back in with their dad. He doesn't want them. The SM doesn't want them. I doubt they'd want to be there anyway as it sounds like he barely knows them, or cares.

I thought this thread was going to be about the dad being angry the SM hadn't stepped up to support him as he was putting a huge effort in following the death of their mum. Turns out this was wishful thinking on my part, and he's just angry he's having to parent at all.

I wouldn't bother, honestly.

I wish I had a bond with them and feel I could make an impact in their lives, but I don't. I'm not bigging myself as a great step parent, it's a role I know nothing about, I was hoping for something constructive but so far no help.
I can't imagine losing my mother, I cried when I found out and I encouraged him to go and see them which he did eventually. No he's not the best, I probably shouldn't have married him or had kids with him, but you have to live with your life choices and I don't regret my girls one bit. I'm just trying to make the situation a tiny bit better for everyone. I find it incredibly sad, I don't believe they share their true feelings with us, they tell their Dad their fine and it's no different because they lived at the grandparents house anyway. I know that's a defence mechanism, it has to have affected them, how couldn't it, I hope they get counselling, I hope my husband steps up, but pretending we're one big happy family I don't think is the answer. Putting more pressure on them to blend in and see out family unit when there's has been blown apart seems heartless. I'd like them to build their bond with their Dad first and we get built in gradually, it's what happened when my son lost contact with his Dad it was built up slowly. I don't mind how long he spends with them, if we're on the house 4-5 hours seems enough, he can take his kids for dinner after on the way home or something. If he takes them to his mum's he can do whatever he likes obviously. It's only in winter when the weather isn't the best that I have reservations

It’s both their fault.

OP was the OW so was in part responsible for the breakup of the marriage in the first place.

The father was clearly already an awful father and person. Not only did he leave his children, but he barely maintained a relationship with them, and then when their mother died he left them living with their grandmother. So his shortcomings don’t need to be emphasised, they’re glaringly obvious.

But the OP, who could have welcomed these children into their home has instead chosen to limit the time they spend there because their being there interrupts her children’s viewing of CBeebies.

Presumably this means the OP would then have to parent her own children, but instead they need those hours in front of the television.

every single one of these children will be in therapy one day.

Imagine growing up knowing your father had children he barely bothered to see and that your mother facilitated this fact.

Kids don’t judge their parents purely on how they are treated. They learn to see how they treat others as well. And they then learn to judge them accordingly.

Another complete shit show of a relationship with the children being collateral damage to two selfish people.

Hahaha.

I think we all know the answer to this

Wow, I hate to be nasty but my gosh. These kids live with their grandparents! These kids are restricted from your home because of tv time! These kids haven’t got a relationship with their half siblings! Covid has been over for years now. Why? Why? Why? Has this happened. The kids havent been supported once by their dad & you have done nothing to support your H for the minimum his doing. You put really weak obstacles in the way. I lost my mom at 28 & that was the most traumatic time of my life & can’t imagine how bad that is for their age to deal with. If they don’t think it now they will have big issues on why their dad didn’t take them in.

I feel so sad for those kids. It’s heartbreaking. I have zero sympathy for your predicament. You’re the making of it & I pray their father steps up.

Good god. So the bloke who only saw his kids one day out of 14, doesn’t want them full time now their other parent is dead.
Those poor kids, their mum died, their dad can’t be arsed with them and their ‘stepmum’ has no interest. They are lucky their grandparents are doing their dad’s job for him. What a poor quality man he is.

I did say we could build an extension, but my husband didn't want it and said they're better off with the grandparents

Well he's rather a bellend isn't he.

What would happen if the grandparents got poorly / died @89Mumof3 ?

OP you need to start reframing your whole family dynamic in your head. You are treating your home as YOUR space and your own DC’s home and your SC as intruders into that space. It is (or should be) as much their home as yours. They should have space in it and they have as much entitlement to your husband’s time and attention as your own children. You both have 5 children not 3 and all of your decisions need to take that into consideration whether the SC happen to be in your home at the time or not.

Secondly, you need to have a serious conversation with your DH about his responsibilities. He can’t sit back and tell you he wants all the children bonding and being together at the weekend without taking responsibility for what happens. Your approach needs to be ‘Those children need you more than ever, they are primarily your responsibility, not their GPS and I will do whatever it takes to support you to build a relationship with them and make them
feel at home, but they are your flesh and blood and you need to step up and give them what they need. That means seeing them often and engaging with them each time, it means taking responsibility for their visits, talking to them about what they want to do and making it happen and it means doing whatever it takes to make room for them in this house so they know that their dad’s home is their home. Anything less is a dereliction of your duties as a parent.’ Then you need to get those debts cleared and somehow find a way to give them some space in your home. If necessary that means you giving up some of your space for them. What is happening at the moment is not ok in any way and you both need to get your heads around that sharpish.

Imagine if you'd died and your ex had treated your son like this.

I don't mind how long he spends with them, if we're on the house 4-5 hours seems enough, he can take his kids for dinner after on the way home or something.

Sorry but why on earth is it HIS kids being punished?! It's their home too (or at least it should be given that he is their father). Yet they're only "allowed" to spend 4-5 hours there as it's difficult for your children?!?!

is this real? If it is you are heartless!

Even if they don't live with you, you need to stop seeing them as visitors. They are his children and should be welcome as if it is their home. You don't need to force activities on them, let them relax and do what they want. If their younger siblings have a tantrum then let them. Or take them to the park, or do some art or baking with them (the little ones), whatever you would normally do. A relationship between the siblings will come naturally with familiarity.

I’m a step mum and I can’t even finish reading your posts as it’s a whole lot of excuses…regardless of whatever has happened in the past, those children have lost their mum and should be with their dad, shame on both of you for not moving heaven and earth to make that possible - if you have to sleep in the living room for a while then so be it, imagine that was your children 🤢 bloody hell I’d take in children I didn’t even know. Please give your head a wobble.

No she deserves the bashing too. Why have children with a man who clearly is a shit father already?

Reading this hurts my heart. Those poor, poor children. I doubt they’ll forgive this when they’re adults. I wouldn’t.
When their mother died, their father should have moved heaven and earth to have them live with him. Even if that meant moving house to a more affordable part of the country or whatever else. This is the stuff of a Victorian novel. Thank god for their grandparents as others have said, but we all need our parents even as adults. I worry they’ll be left with no support at a very young age when their grandparents pass or require support themselves.

I cried when I found out and I encouraged him to go and see them which he did eventually.

Wait, what? He didn't go to see them straight away after their Mum died and needed prompting?

That's the crux of it, they are unwanted.

OP knows on some level that it's wrong that their Dad doesn't want them, but it suits her as it means she can prioritise her own children.

She probably also knows deep down that should anything happen to her her kids will get the same treatment.

The plan I outlined above is what SHOULD happen if they actually cared about the children, but as they don't, I suppose the question she's really asking is, "How can I feel less guilty about the children my husband abandoned without doing anything to resolve the situation?"

So their mum has died and you are choosing to limit their already meagre time with their father.
And by your account he in turn is failing to support you in caring for all these children.

Awful, I feel sorry for these children. You are both absolutely letting them down when they need help the most

This. Unfortunately though I very much doubt that these kids see this as their home, rather they're made to feel unwelcome from the second they set foot in the door and are desperate to leave.