Relationship issues kids/step kids

[89Mumof3]

So me and my husband are having issues, he's constantly moaning and generally very negative towards me and the kids. Apparently I don't support him, but not sure what I'm meant to do, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Here's a bit of a background, my husband has 2 kids from a previous, when we got together he saw them every other weekend for a day, which to begin with was on his own and eventually with me and my son from a previous as well. I organised birthday parties for them with all the family, bought the food and got the house decorated to make it special.
All was going well until 2020 (COVID), I worked in a care home so his ex wouldn't let the kids come round as it was too risky, by the time it was ok we'd had our daughter, the kids showed little interest which is completely understandable. We still went on days out although contact did start to dwindle as we never got back into the routine before COVID. We got married 2021, his daughter was bridesmaid, his son wasn't very well so didn't come, was meant to be page boy but it was fine.
Roll on to 2023, we had our other daughter and contact was roughly two to three a year birthdays and Christmas, Easter eggs got dropped round the house.
Present day, things have changed, very sadly their mother passed away suddenly in August and they now live with their grandparents (his daughter practically lived round there anyway). The kids seem ok, although I've not seen them as I feel it's important that they develop their relationship with their Dad first and the house is so busy with a 5 year old and a 2 year old their would be no time to talk properly. Last time they came round in the summer (July) his son was crying because I told him to come off the playstation for dinner, I didn't mean to upset him it's just I have a no technology rule when eating.
I have told my husband they can come round for 4 hours on a weekend, but 7 hours (like he normally has them) is too long as my daughter's will want the TV, there's not a lot of room and depending on the weather going to be shut indoors, we only have a 5 seater so can't fit everyone in the car. I have zero issues in him taking them to the cinema or bowling afterwards, but our 2 and 5 year old are too young at the moment. They're not bonded and forcing a long drawn out day on them seems a recipe for disaster. Last time I tried to make cakes and biscuits with them but they weren't interested. I keep getting told I'm unsupportive and being unhelpful. At the moment he takes them to his Mum's and she makes them food and drink, if they come here it's me running around after 4 kids, my son is 16 now and works weekends otherwise he'd help. I'm really not sure what I'm meant to do? Sorry for the long post I feel like my marriage is hanging by a thread, there's so many issues and I feel he'll walk away just like he did his ex, the kids are the same ages and he's really unhappy.
Thanks any suggestions welcome

Your children literally have their only living parent 100% of the time. You are not right

It is sexist when people ignore the useless DH and spew all their scorn on to OP, when she works OOH and does everything for the kids too.

Oh and revisit the extension - even if the DSCs don't move in with you, having another room (so that eg 9 year old can play PS with his dad or sister, or CBeebies on in one and a film for teens/tweens in the other) will help a lot.

For what it's worth @89Mumof3 , seeing as we don't have a time machine for you to go back and not get involved with this man in the first place (which would be the preference, your two DD aside) you need to accept some facts.

You got involved with a man who had just walked away from 2 very young children, making no effort to maintain a relationship with them. You didn't see anything wrong with that - problem 1.

You then decided to procreate with this man not once, but twice knowing the way he treated both you and his kids (yes, I have seen your previous thread) and also the fact that you didn't have space for the existing children in your life, let alone the new ones - problem 2.

You need to take some ownership for the stupid decisions made before you will get compassion, and therefore help, from the people on here. You might not be the villain here (that's your DH) but you have facilitated all of these occurances with no thought for these young children.

Even without the travesty of their mother dying both your and your DHs disdain for them is clear. You find them an inconvenience. You're not dim enough (hopefully) to think that that a 13 year old who has just lost her mum would really be interested in entertaining small children that she doesn't know because when she doesn't, it hurts your feelings - you can't really be that self absorbed.

As for practical advice, honestly, you need to walk away from this shitshow of a man. While ever you're being made to feel like they're your responsibility, you're never going to do anything because you actually care about their wellbeing - you're doing it to keep him quiet.

You say you suffer from anxiety - imagine your worst day with that dark pit feeling in your stomach - that's how empty these children will be feeling all of the time.

Talk to them. They're grieving children. Don't expect them to care about you or your kids' feelings - they don't have capacity for that. Little things mean the most. Favourite foods bought just for them, a frappe from Starbucks, ask the 9 year old to show you how to play. Anything that shows an interest in them as young people rather than an interest in keeping your dick of a husband quiet and absolving the fuckton of guilt he should be feeling (but probably isn't)

Don't worry I know exactly what will happen if this marriage breaks down. I know he won't see my 2, and he'll see his others even less. I push for him to see them, he forgets how often I ask him when is he next seeing them, the moment I stop asking, he stops seeing them. I'm just losing energy and I know if I can't make this work, even if it is 7 hours, I know I'd sooner suck it up than be blamed for it all falling again. The point is we've done the 7 hours, why did it stop because it didn't work, I was just trying to find a different approach but that's wrong too. I like his kids, they're nice kids but have no idea how to interact with their younger siblings and I would love for them to play together but it feels like a fairytale.

Thanks, I am trying my best but falling short it seems

"it's not about the TV, more about the fact that the 13 year blanks our daughters which leads to tantrums as they don't understand why they don't want to play with them, she's not used to being ignored, which I believe could damage her self esteem."

FFS your child isn't going to be scarred for life because an older half sibling is ignoring them. If it becomes an issue then you actually parent, you tell your child that maybe x will play another time but mummy will play with you or you direct onto something else. I seriously can't believe that you are putting the needs of two small children above a 9 year old and teenager who are grieving and need attention. Your eldest has been these ages before, you know how their development works. I don't get how you are so blind?

Can't afford the extension, it was just an idea but that's gone now

Honestly, a 13 year old girl and a 9 year old boy won't "play together", let alone with a 2 and 5 year old that they hardly know (and probably not much more even if they all lived together all the time). The age gap is just too big, even without all the other issues of bereavement, limited space etc.

I have zero issues with my husband spending time with his kids, in this house 7 hours is too long, we tried it and it never happened again. Nothing has changed in that time to make this time any better. Obviously if a 7 hours one off is better than 4 hours which may work every other weekend is better then I'll do the one off 7 hours if you think that's better

She doesn't do anything for her stepkids, which is what the thread is about. And her comments so far - particularly about how her children are 'ignored' by their half-siblings and the stuff about the TV - are so tone-deaf I am semi-convinced that this thread has to be a wind-up.

My stepdaughter also blanked her little brother, because she’s a teenager. They’re weird little beings at that age.

(just caught up on all of your replies)

A lot of your issues are DH issues. My husband fought tooth and nail to keep access to his children. It’s odd how your DH doesn’t seem remotely bothered. You’re trying to force something he doesn’t seem interested in doing. All you can do is help to keep that door open for your children and their siblings. Don’t set a time frame, let them be there the whole day, just roll with it. Your 2yr old will have tantrums regardless, I know mine does 😅

Can DH not increase contact? Even going over one week night per week for dinner to slowly build it back up.

When it became tough for me at times, I’d put myself in that same situation. How would I feel if these were my children? How would I expect and want them to be treated?

She has literally said that then the step-kids are here she has to care for them, her DH doesn’t.

Why are you ignoring that?

When you say "7 hours was too long" - were the DSCs asking to go home before the time was up, or was it that your DCs were finding it hard?

No absolutely not.

This is not one those poor misunderstood hardest role in the world whilst the least appreciated SP threads.

There are other SPs on this thread that have acknowledged how absolutely selfish, immature and crap the both of them have been.

The OP is like plenty of other SMs who happily sit by and watch a man be a piss poor parent to their existing children but quite happily moves on to create "their" own little family is as complicit in how these kids have been treated.

No space, no time, no money and yet happily having more kids in this dysfunction.

They don't even know your kids. They're practically strangers, why wouldn't they blank them?

How can you even bare to look at that useless lump of shit you married?

Of course he should be stepping up, that's never been in doubt. He's a useless cretin. But she's not much better. She's not actually doing anything to facilitate a smooth relationship with her stepkids or make life easier for them - she seems fixated on the fact they 'ignore' her children (and I bet she makes sure that they know about that) which is clearly her justification for not having them in the house. She's on here looking for 'help' which doesn't and never will exist. It can't. She actually just wants someone to say 'there there you're trying your best well done you' so she doesn't have to change anything. And here you are!

You are going to need to get through hard moments like that to blend as a family. When my stepsons came to live with us full time, they were used to living with very different rules and were absolutely addicted to screens. We had many tantrums as the beginning but you need to get through those difficult times to get to the good ones. Your posts are making me think that neither you nor your husband are prepared to deal with any kind of difficulty or uncomfort to be there for those kids. You are the adults ans their lives have been torn apart, you need to suck it up and deal with the uncomfortable and difficult times because it's nothing compared to what they're going through. I know how hard that is and as I said in my previous comment, it took a lot of work for me to get to that point myself and in all honesty it led to me having a breakdown. But we now have incredibly happy children and a bonded, close family so it has been worth the effort.

If you know he wouldn’t give two shits about your daughters if you broke up why the hell are you still with him?

Walk away and have some dignity.

My take on it is that OP is trying to make fetch happen. It’s not going to happen.

Their father wasn’t interested in them before and now he is sort of forced to parent, he is resenting OP for not facilitating it, taking charge of it and making it easier on him. OP is trying to meet his expectations on her own terms and he is gaslighting her for not doing enough. Just stop trying to find a compromise and let him crack on with parenting.

Stop worrying about keeping everyone happy and focus your energy in your own kids. Let the step kids come for 7 hours and do their thing, while you are occupying your own kids. Spend a hour together eating, the rest can be quality time with their dad.

They’re not just strangers - to the step kids they are the things that replaced them. They have to stay wit grandparents because their own dad was busy making new babies rather than having any kind of small connection with them. Now he will insist there is no room at the inn as if that wasn’t entirely his and OP’s decision. They chose together to have more children knowing there would no space for his existing children to even visit for more than an afternoon.

Yes, this is on OP too. Her decisions have brought the situation where it is and while it’s his responsibility as a father to show up and parent (which he seemingly hasn’t done one day of their lives) OP has to take responsibility for helping create this mess to begin with. She knew he was an absent father to the children he already had and convinced him to make two more with her.

I agree that OP is focusing on the wrong thing.

But she’s stuck in a house with a useless man in a house only big enough for her and her DC.

When the poor DSC come to visit, they don’t have a room of their their own so they obviously stay in the living room, which then causes some conflict as the kids are effectively visitors for 7 hours so everyone must be stir-crazy.

I don’t know what the solution is but the situation sounds extremely stressful and my sympathy is for the step-kids foremost but also for OP too.

Absolutely vile.

7 hours is inconvenient. That doesn't mean it's too long. It remains woefully inadequate