I’m leaving my partner for someone else.

[confession247]

I need to vent to someone and I can’t do it irl.

Long term poster, posted before re abusive partner, long term relationship of 8 years.

Has been financially, emotionally and at times physically abusive.
Allowed his family to financially abuse me, called me names, hounded me for money and has assaulted me on several occasions

Around 9 months ago - my partner went out on a night out and didn’t come home. This has been a recurrent theme. Every argument has culminated in a “break up” and he frequently tells me he doesn’t want to be with me blah blah blah.
The night he went out I stupidly downloaded OLD. I’ve worked on myself the past 2 years and got chatting to someone on there.
I have never in my dating life known calm like it, no love bombing, kind, funny and consistent. No bullshit or shouting or swearing. Just an overall lovely man.

I have fallen for this man. Not infatuation or limerence, genuine slow burning and healthy.

This is where it gets tricky.
Me and my partner have not slept together or even acted like a couple since 2022.
He is an angry man with a lot of childhood trauma, horrific mood swings, doesn’t pay his way nor has he ever.
The house is all in my name, he isn’t listed on the tenancy nor does he contribute.

Why do I feel so bad?
I feel genuine guilt for leaving, this is the first time in so long that I have actually been happy.
My partner is absolutely vile, uses cocaine, goes on drink benders every time there is any stress in his life and would not be able to function without me I don’t think.

Why do I feel so fucking bad?
He has spent the past 8 years being so nasty and degrading towards me without even a shred of guilt, yet I feel horrifically guilty for leaving this relationship.

You feel bad because you’re cheating on him.

Stop thinking you need a man to be happy and lining up the next one before you leave the last one…

The last thing you need is another man

Please say there are no children involved in this mess.

Bouncing from one man to the other really isn’t cool.

You’ve stayed with an abuser for 8 years when the property is in your name, you pay for everything and you could kick him out? Definitely need to work on yourself and make better choices. I do feel for your lovely man though, he deserves better than being with someone who is cheating. Does he even know? A relationship on a foundation of lies isn’t going to end well.

Don't leave him for another man, leave him for yourself. You need time on your own before jumping headlong into another relationship.

I can't tell you why you feel guilty. But I can tell you that you can leave a bad relationship without having someone else waiting in the wings. In fact it is far preferable to leave and stand on your own two feet, and don't start anything new until you're emotionally stronger. Otherwise you risk trapping yourself in another equally unsuitable relationship.

100% agree - the absolute worst thing to do after a shit relationship is to jump straight into bed with another man.

OP you need to tell him to leave but you need to die d time on your own working on your boundaries and self esteem before even thinking about dating. And do the freedom programme too

You have not healed. The new man is a distraction, a sticking plaster over a deep cut that needs to breathe.

Big mistake.

Leave him for yourself because he's an abusive wanker but don't leave him for another man.

You need time alone to work on yourself after the last 8 years.

Does this new man know what you're doing?

You can justify it all you like but you’re unfaithful and leaving him for another man. Why don’t you think about having time alone and working on yourself.

I sort of agree with the pps, that it's better to leave to be on your own and to stand on your own two feet. But I also know that the dynamics of an abusive relationship makes that feel almost impossible. You've been driven to feel like you deserve nothing at all, so why WOULD you leave? So I think, if it gets you out of the relationship, go for it.

I also think that the new man sounds completely normal, which is great but his normality, not his character, might be what is attracting you. I wouldn't rely on this relationship lasting forever, so you should still go to therapy, do the freedom programme, keep bits of your life just for you, with no man. So if it does last- bonus!

Good luck to you OP 💐

some harsh posts here.
But I agree you need to leave your current partner for YOU not because you met someone else. I would also be honest to the nice man you have met and say you will be leaving an abusive relationship and need time to get yourself together.

then do a shit ton of research about leaving an abusive partner safely OP- get support lined up in every direction because you will be at the highest risk of harm when leaving him.

good luck, I hope things get better for you x

Why do you call him your partner? He’s anything but.

Have you actually met this online man? Or just chatted to him?

I agree with all of this.

It’s not easy to get out of hell. No judgement from me. Just don’t put too much into this man, like the PP said, a normal, non-abusive man can seem like Prince Charming in comparison to what you’ve been putting up with. Keep a part of yourself open to the fact he could be love-bombing you too and might change down the line. Hopefully not, but you don’t know yet.

Can people chill the fuck out on the judgement and vilification please? No it's not a good idea to jump from an abusive relationship to another one but if it's what gets OP out of the shit she's in then so be it. Berating her for cheating is stupid. Abusive men don't deserve fidelity or any respect really. They do need to be left, by any means necessary.

Agreed

I was you in 2017, I had lived with a weed addiction who couldn't keep a job and used my wages to pay for his addiction, had to make excuses for the bruises I had when I couldn't afford to give him money for weed, he barely showered and was a disgusting creature.

I left him for an old flame who I bumped into on a night out I wasn't supposed to be out on, we have been together since and I can't believe what a different life I have now (don't judge the thread I started earlier 😂).

Fuck him and do what makes you happy, I am excited for you. Go and get the life you deserve!! PM if you would like to chat.

Does the OM know that you’re not single?
Do you think that someone really nice, sensible, secure would be entertaining someone who is in a long term relationship? If he’s a wonderful man, with healthy boundaries and expectations he’d probably not be interested in the situation.

Why on earth didn't you leave before you lined up a new man?
It would have done you good to realise you do not need a man to be happy, you would have learned about yourself and what you want after years of abuse, processed the abuse and worked on yourself on your own, all before you entered a new relationship.

The dynamic of this new relationship will be unequal and unhealthy, he will be in the role of rescuer and saviour and you in the role of the victim who was saved. That's not an equal relationship or a good foundation for a long term long relationship either.

You feel bad because he's taken away your confidence, your sense of self-worth and has given you a skewered view on what's what in a relationship. Otherwise you'd have got rid of him years ago.

Don't feel bad, get him out. Change the locks. Go slow with this other man, please. You're going to be vulnerable, adjusting to life without an abuser, listen to any red flags.. Don't let him move in or anything too soon!

I agree with many comments on hear.
Op you need to learn to be on your own.
And stop bouncing from man to man.
You cheated end of.
Being with one bad man for 8 years now you have the netx lined up, really op you need to stop.

For those having a go at the OP, sometimes it can take another person, a normal person to show someone who is in an abusive partnership what life can be like, remind them of 'normal'. It could be just the push that the OP needs to finally take out the rubbish. That is a win in my book, and providing she is careful and looks after herself first and foremost, it may just be good.

Get therapy whatever happens to both relationships. If you couldn’t leave an abusive relationship without someone to go to, you still need to work on your self worth and boundaries.