I’m leaving my partner for someone else.

[confession247]

I need to vent to someone and I can’t do it irl.

Long term poster, posted before re abusive partner, long term relationship of 8 years.

Has been financially, emotionally and at times physically abusive.
Allowed his family to financially abuse me, called me names, hounded me for money and has assaulted me on several occasions

Around 9 months ago - my partner went out on a night out and didn’t come home. This has been a recurrent theme. Every argument has culminated in a “break up” and he frequently tells me he doesn’t want to be with me blah blah blah.
The night he went out I stupidly downloaded OLD. I’ve worked on myself the past 2 years and got chatting to someone on there.
I have never in my dating life known calm like it, no love bombing, kind, funny and consistent. No bullshit or shouting or swearing. Just an overall lovely man.

I have fallen for this man. Not infatuation or limerence, genuine slow burning and healthy.

This is where it gets tricky.
Me and my partner have not slept together or even acted like a couple since 2022.
He is an angry man with a lot of childhood trauma, horrific mood swings, doesn’t pay his way nor has he ever.
The house is all in my name, he isn’t listed on the tenancy nor does he contribute.

Why do I feel so bad?
I feel genuine guilt for leaving, this is the first time in so long that I have actually been happy.
My partner is absolutely vile, uses cocaine, goes on drink benders every time there is any stress in his life and would not be able to function without me I don’t think.

Why do I feel so fucking bad?
He has spent the past 8 years being so nasty and degrading towards me without even a shred of guilt, yet I feel horrifically guilty for leaving this relationship.

No I haven’t got children
I didn’t think he was great, I thought he had trauma that I could help him through. I think at the time (I was 21) I thought I could fix him

Years and years of his chaos and abuse has taught me one thing, I am not a rehab centre for traumatised men.

Easy - You feel bad because you're deceiving your partner. But really he isn't your partner. He's a dead weight failure who latched into you when you were 21, several years before you could be considered fully adult, and you grew into the belief that you were responsible for him and that became your normal.

You need to tell your partner asap that you don't want to continue this relationship and that he needs to leave.

Have someone with you, family or friends (NOT your new boyfriend), when you do this because it's going to be difficult.

Cut off all financial support.

What you need now is to be single.

A man who takes up with a woman in a relationship that is abusive may himself be a red flag. Some men sniff out vulnerable women to control and abuse themselves when they reveal their true colours.

So take time to recover and heal from this car crash of a relationship, find yourself.

DO NOT let the boyfriend move in before you even changed the sheets.

Op you are doing the absolute best thing by leaving and well done for doing CBT and the freedom programme you are a strong person who is noticed the pattern of abuse and addressing it I have been where you are and it took me years and years to leave I did meet someone after he wasn't a replacement he was a friend to be begin with and we began dating about 3 months after I left just mentioning this because we are still together 9 nearly 10 years later so it might work out however sit him down the person you like and make sure he knows your full situation and go from their I wish you the best of luck op ,

I've asked this already, but have you actually met this online amazing man in person?

You say the new man has shown you that there is a better way to live and given you the strength to do something about it which most people would say is a good thing.

But

Your thread title is that you are leaving your partner for someone else. That would indicate that you are not going to spend time on your own but that you are, in fact going to go from one man to another. That is not a good thing.

You are too vulnerable for that, you need to be on your own for a good long time, months and months.

Have you actually met the new boyfriend?

You don’t need to start a new relationship to get out of the last one, in fact, that sounds like an incredibly bad idea. This is going to sound harsh, but I think you’re reading too much into the new relationship anyway. If you’re messaging back and forth, while that’s all very romantic, it could all disappear in a puff of smoke. Odds are you’re projecting and seeing him as you want him to be - don’t put all your eggs in that basket.

You need to get this loser out of your life and if he’s violent and abusive, that won’t be easy. I was in a similar situation, but it was easier because the flat was his so I just left (albeit with hundreds of threatening, abusive then later begging phone calls and texts).

You need back up to get him out. Could be family. It may be you need to get the police involved. I think you need to prepare yourself for him not going quietly.

Amen to that!

Get rid of him OP, and as soon as possible. Once you can see it, there’s no going back.

I needed the kick up the arse of meeting a nice, normal, loving man to make me leave my abusive, leeching exH. If I hadn't met this other man it might have taken me many more years to leave.

Is your situation ideal? - probably not, but if it gets you away from the shit show of your current life, it isn't all bad either.

I've now been married to the man I left the exH for, for 30 years. Your life can indeed turn around. Very best of luck OP.

Oh and you feel guilty because your POS current partner has brainwashed and conditioned you to feel that way and to make you believe you are somehow responsible for his wellbeing and happiness. Run from him and never look back!

I don’t see why it’s tricky and I don’t see why you still call your abuser a partner if the relationship is well over. Why is he still lingering in your home ?

You are a free woman in your head, but in reality, you aren’t free until your abuser has gone from your home. Do your housekeeping now OP.
Yes, by all means make the abuser leave your home. Get him out.
There is no relationship left with him, you have moved on from being attached to him. You understand yourself much better now, and there is no reason why he should still be living rent free in your home while all the time being abusive towards you.
So get help to finally get him out of your life -physically out. Never see him or his family again. Be sure he has really gone from you.

Once you have properly untangled that toxic presence from your home and life, you can breathe easy and use your freedom wisely this time.

Take your time.
Don’t rush somebody else into your life. You need time to heal.
You are young and still evolving.
So don’t make any new promises to anybody but yourself OP.
Give yourself time to experience the joy of having just yourself to rely on. That feeling will serve you well for your future.

I'm amazed at all the responses saying how it's not a good idea to "bounce" from one man to another. She says this:

I have never in my dating life known calm like it, no love bombing, kind, funny and consistent. No bullshit or shouting or swearing.

It's not at all uncommon for someone in a really bad relationship to extricate themselves if they find someone much better. I am happy for OP. What she has found sounds really healthy and a total contrast to her current dreadful relationship.

Honestly, the stratospheric moral standards on MN are crazy sometimes. How ridiculous to say that she should not be with this man because she should have a gap first. You can't time when someone right comes into your life! Her current partner sounds horrific. Who cares if she's cheating on someone like that. I read an article once about the different types of affairs, and one was the psychologically healthy one, which is this kind of thing, where the relationship is abusive and a much better partner happens.

I have no time for abusive men. They all deserve to get cheated on imo.

This is typical mn. A woman is literally in a violent and abusive relationship, but as soon as she cheated nothing else matters.

If it was as simple as “just leave” no-one would be in abusive relationships would they? Nope. Didn’t think so.
is cheating justified? No. But it can sometimes be explained.

I would absolutely advise the OP to wait before rushing into being with the other man, if he’s decent he’ll still be around in six months.

What's LAVA, OP?

I am so happy for you that you've found a healthy relationship. Just have to get rid of the pest in your house, and you'll be all set!

Re. your first paragraph, absolutely. The moral standards on here are draconian and insane. Totally OTT. I don't think I've ever seen so many black-and-white thinkers on any internet forum as there are on MN.

It usually takes a while to recover from an abusive relationship. Unfortunately that is work that one needs to do solo in my experience. You just end up being so vulnerable. I am not saying this is true for op, but some men are drawn to that vulnerability for their own reasons. Op, does the new man own his own home? You really don’t want to get involved with another cocklodger.

If this is what you need to do to get out of your abusive relationship, go for it. Who knows if the new relationship is genuine, but please just get out of the old one as soon as you can.

JFC, the cheating isn't great but OP's partner is vile and abusive in every single way yet people are basically taking his side and heaping the entire blame onto OP. As well as the financial abuse, OP has been physically abused by her partner and his family.

@confession247 Don't feel an iota of guilt about getting rid of your partner. Speak to a domestic abuse charity about how to get rid of him safely. If you aren't married and the house is yours, you can change the locks. You owe him no loyalty or care.

You probably need some time living alone so I wouldn't move in with your new partner straight away.

Please get out of this relationship today - stop delaying it and just change the locks. No guilt required.

OP, just tell the abusive man he’s leaving. Have you any friends/family who can be around while he packs? He needs gone.

OP I am a domestic abuse please ignore some of the posts on here. Your feelings are normal for the ending of an abusive relationship. The trauma bond is very intense and you will have worked on that issue on the Freedom Programme and with your therapist hopefully. Your decision to end this relationship is the best one nobody should be treated like that. Wish you well

Domestic abuse worker I meant to say for 20 years

I agree with you, OP is trauma bonded to her abuser and he will use guilt bingo to try to cling to her.

This.

Totally agree with this!

Go by any means possible @confession247 and very best of luck to you xx

You should be leaving the relationship because it is abusive. Clinging on to a new relationship to drag you out, isn't the answer.