I’m leaving my partner for someone else.

[confession247]

I need to vent to someone and I can’t do it irl.

Long term poster, posted before re abusive partner, long term relationship of 8 years.

Has been financially, emotionally and at times physically abusive.
Allowed his family to financially abuse me, called me names, hounded me for money and has assaulted me on several occasions

Around 9 months ago - my partner went out on a night out and didn’t come home. This has been a recurrent theme. Every argument has culminated in a “break up” and he frequently tells me he doesn’t want to be with me blah blah blah.
The night he went out I stupidly downloaded OLD. I’ve worked on myself the past 2 years and got chatting to someone on there.
I have never in my dating life known calm like it, no love bombing, kind, funny and consistent. No bullshit or shouting or swearing. Just an overall lovely man.

I have fallen for this man. Not infatuation or limerence, genuine slow burning and healthy.

This is where it gets tricky.
Me and my partner have not slept together or even acted like a couple since 2022.
He is an angry man with a lot of childhood trauma, horrific mood swings, doesn’t pay his way nor has he ever.
The house is all in my name, he isn’t listed on the tenancy nor does he contribute.

Why do I feel so bad?
I feel genuine guilt for leaving, this is the first time in so long that I have actually been happy.
My partner is absolutely vile, uses cocaine, goes on drink benders every time there is any stress in his life and would not be able to function without me I don’t think.

Why do I feel so fucking bad?
He has spent the past 8 years being so nasty and degrading towards me without even a shred of guilt, yet I feel horrifically guilty for leaving this relationship.

Get rid of him and worry about the other man later. These are two separate things. No you shouldn’t feel about getting rid of him.

Sorry you’re getting so much flak, OP. I think it’s quite often the case, especially in long relationships, that you don’t realise how much everything worthwhile has gone out of them until you meet a new person and are reminded of what a relationship is actually meant to be like. I would have thought that this was especially true of abusive relationships with the partner has convinced you that you are the problem.

Hope you can build a new life for yourself.

Personally, I'd concentrate on getting away from your current partner, safely. Getting another man involved at this stage could overcomplicate things.

I think you need to be careful when leaving. I read a stat that a woman is most in danger after leaving an abusive relationship. I’d also say he’s likely to be even angrier if he catches wind of your new relationship.

Honestly don’t think you should be heading into something new, you need time alone to heal.

I hope you are meaning HE is leaving - its your home - Also please please call the police if you see abuse from him. How will you get him out? He's used to you putting up with this crap so you may need support - he may say he's sorry 😞 boo hoo!!!! He maybe say he's suicidal - (call an ambulance if he ramps it up) he may say you've met someone else - none of his business - Another bully bites the dust - get him out - you may sneakily need to get his key - or get the locks changed and make sure you DO NOT let him back in - look after yourself.

Actually I've had another thought... in an ideal world you'd leave him, work on yourself and then find someone else. That said, if this other man is the decent fella you think he is then he could be someone to lean on, to help with the pressure and stress. To go it alone may not be the best thing to do, but only you know that.

It sounds like the relationship was long long over. I am glad you are leaving him

@confession247 just wondering does your 'partner' know you are kicking him out? He sounds pretty volatile so I'd be very careful with that part. Do not mention having starting talking to someone else, just leave it out it would cause so much drama. And if he is like other alcoholics I know he will take hold of the drama/ victimhood and cling to it

But when you tell him I would have someone else with you, a male. Your father/ brother/ brother in law/ uncle/ uncle in law/ your female friend and her male partner. Don't confront him alone

Are you leaving your home? Or do you mean you'll be asking him to leave?

Leave him even if it doesn’t work out with the new guy, you have a bum living off you who doesn’t even want to touch you. This is no life he is a drain you aren’t his mother fuck him and his feelings

Thirded.

Well done on deciding to leave your abuser. I think it’s normal to have many mixed feelings but you’re doing the right thing. I agree a trauma bond can leave you feeling bad and confused but you know what the right course of action is.

Sending you peace and strength and whether the new man works out or not, no judgment here from me. Good luck.

@confession247 please be careful when you tell your stbx to leave. If he’s been violent towards you in the past, it could be a dangerous time for you.

What a terrible reply. OP please ignore all these simple-minded fools who feels the need to say "but your cheating". You feel guilty, but it's not earned guilt. There are two types of guilt... earned and unearned. Being in an abusive relationship constantly burdens you with unearned guilt. You've become used to accepting it as yours to own but it's not. Naming it is a good start. Earned guilt tells us we should change or apologise. Unearned guilt just needs to be named and let go. And in time try to find the triggers for unearned guilt and unpick them so you feel it less.

You are not responsible for your abusive current partner and you don't need to stay to mother him. You need to look out for yourself and find a safe way to exit this abusive relationship... perhaps that means ending the lease to move somewhere he doesn't know the address. If he's been physical in the past he easily can again. There are loads of online resources & I know very little on this. But google and figure out a plan to end things in a safe way for you.

It's nice you have a new romance to give you hope and joy. Do this romance a favour and don't rush things. Get away from your abusive current relationship and you can date this new man in the open soon. But avoid living together for at least a year. If you can afford, get some therapy to help you process all this. Good luck.

What an exciting time- get rid and enjoy and find yourself!

The man on OLD, does he know that you were still in a relationship and the context?
It is very unfair on him otherwise and it is dishonest. It’s certainly not a good foundation to start something.

If you are feeling guilty, it is because are still stuck in a trauma bond with the abusive partner and it takes a hell of a lot of time, space and self work to get over that.
I’m sorry that you were a victim of abuse. You ought to invest in working through your trauma independently, before starting a new relationship.
I recommend coming off OLD and focusing on building self love and resilience, rather than relying on men for validation.

"The house is all in my name, he isn’t listed on the tenancy nor does he contribute."

When you say you're leaving him - it's your house, so aren't you staying and throwing him out? Will he go quietly, or put up a fight and need the police called on him?

As to feeling bad - for the same reason that you got with him in the first place, and the same reason you put up with his abuse for so long. Look what you wrote:

1. "I thought he had trauma that I could help him through. I think at the time (I was 21) I thought I could fix him"
2. "I didn’t realise until 2021 that I was actually being abused. I thought it was something I was doing wrong."

The combination of Suicidal Empathy and Sunken Costs Fallacy has ruled your life for the whole of this relationship. Give your head a wobble, you owe this abuser nothing, zero, fuck all.

Oh my goodness! Your story almost exactly mirrors mine, first H 17-23, 2nd H 23-62. Still happy after almost 39 years.

Definitely get away.
But take time to heal too.
Rushing into a relationship after an abusive one, makes you vulnerable.

This. All the best.

Agree with others you should be careful when you tell him to move out. There is strength in numbers so possibly arrange for friends or family to be there and stay with you when this happens and during the stages of removing his personal belongings. Then change the locks as soon as you can.

Never get so thirsty that you drink from any cup presented to you.

That’s how you get poisoned.

💕(that’s not my quote btw) maybe read the book ‘women who love too much’ and good luck to you!

I agree with this.

@confession247 I mean this with deep compassion. The likelihood of you moving from one abusive relationship to another is very very very high. The only way to change that, is to take time to heal without a man on the scene. You need support and counselling, to rebuild your confidence, to learn red flags and why they are easily ignored.

Almost all abusive relationships start with these great feelings of this one is different, he worships me/cares for me etc. The statistics are very against you if you don't make some different decisions now.

I wish you only the very best.